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Hello. My mother is 72 years old and she has been drinking (alcoholic) for the last 40 years and smokes marijuana for many years. She’s lived with my family and I for the past five years. She and I don’t have a very great relationship and she’s verbally combative towards me, manipulative and just thinks that even though she lives in my house she doesn’t need to follow my rules. She was recently in the hospital for something unrelated to drinking, but drinking for so many years didn’t help. She was told she needs to stop drinking so heavily (five 16oz cans of beer a day). I told her if she still wants to live with us she needs to stop drinking, make me a manager of her health care and she’s not allowed to get a dog for the next few months (her dog just passed) because she needs to focus on her health and getting better. She was fine with all but the dog part and started yelling at me “we will see about that” and “you and your rules” and “you don’t know anything, you think you have all the answers”. She barely showers anymore (once a week) she stinks, she’s not eating, she’s weak and frail. She couldn’t take care of her animals well before. Part of me is wondering if it’s a beginning dementia thing. But here’s the thing...I’m so exhausted taking care of her I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want her around my kids anymore. I’m depressed when she’s around. She’s on Medicare and social security. She threatens to move out and do section 8 housing and I said if that’s what you want and she said “no it’s not but you’re pushing me out! I have no choice!” But I don’t think she can take care of herself. I don’t know where to start. I don’t want to just kick her out. I want to help her find a place but I can’t pay for it. Any suggestions? I live in California.

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It sounds like mom's brain is fried from a combination of alcohol and perhaps a personality disorder/mental illness thrown in. She is not thinking rationally and needs assistance with getting a place to live.

Call the local Area Agency on Aging and get her into their "case management" system. She needs a social worker who can help her figure out what benefits she qualifies for and how to access them.

Get yourself to AlAnon.
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Colorlessmoods May 2021
Thank you that is helpful.
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Sounds like her moving out is in your best interest; and more importantly your children's best interest. If section 8 is all she can afford, then that's on her. Housing her and caregiving for her is not your responsibility.

Good Luck
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?

What's wrong with her idea of affordable housing? I know from work that older people (your mother isn't that old, but she's over retirement age) who live alone tend to get more and better input from health and social care agencies than people who live with family (especially daughters, especially those with demonstrable caregiving skills e.g. mothers of children). Your mother will be fine, and with encouragement, praise and support she will also have the opportunity to regain her independence and self-respect.

This is a chance to end the stress and conflict for all of you. I should grab it with both hands!

Why did she move in with you originally? What happened when she was in her mid to late sixties?
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Colorlessmoods May 2021
Yeah I’m thinking with the section 8 she can at least get out of our house as a start. It seems like maybe Medicaid may provide services like someone coming to her place once a week to clean and take out her trash and stuff so maybe that’s enough for now. I mentioned in a reply earlier why she ended up living with us.
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I'm sorry to think so, but it sounds as though your mother stopped being a functional alcoholic and became a nightmare pain in the behind alcoholic who put her co-workers and neighbours through the mill until they could cover for her and take no more.

I'm especially sorry to think this might be so because it leaves you with bleak prospects. Alcoholics escape their reality by drinking, and it is astonishing how much reality they can ignore. It's the people who love them who endure the misery of the journey.

If she stays with you and you take responsibility for her wellbeing you will be volunteering for a hellish mission. This job is better done by people who are not emotionally attached to the person in need of support. You don't sound hard-hearted enough to survive it.
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Gosh, I don’t know how much longer you can put up with her. Her behavior is making your life miserable. I am sure that you care about her welfare but you can’t force her to do the right thing.

Speak to a social worker that may be able to help guide you about her health care issues. Also call Council on Aging in your area.

I would ask her to move out. I can’t imagine how heartbreaking this is for you. I’m so sorry that you are in this situation.

Best wishes to you.
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Colorlessmoods May 2021
Thank you, yes someone else has mentioned a social worker to me. Maybe they can also guide me to the right housing situation for her.
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There is no rescuing the un-rescuables.

Let her go. She is responsible for her own well being. Sad, but there isn't anything you can or should do. It's up to her to want help, seek help and accept help.
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Colorlessmoods May 2021
Yes I’m starting to understand that. Right now we are in the process of moving back to California so she is in a different state loving in our house there. We have friends checking on her and the friends (who have experience with trama involved people, substance abuse, and also fostering) said that she mentioned that she said her sobriety “probably won’t last”. It’s just sad because when I told her she needs to stop if she wants to live with us she said she knows. So now I have no choice but to not let her live with us again until she finds something else because I just don’t believe or trust her. She also may try to squat in my back house.
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder 😁 #Win

If you support her goal of independence & encourage her, maybe she will do just fine.

"But I don’t think she can take care of herself". Fair enough. You know her well.

If not, well.. as CountryMouse says, living on her own may actually gain her access to more services. Lots & lots of services (ie NOT you!) #win/win

Of course she may be the 'lock 'em all out' type, have a drink too many & a possible new untrained dog... if so, it will be a problem - but - not in your home. #win/win/win ?
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Update- the next day i told her she needs to move out. She freaked out snd said “your not the daughter i raised” and “you’re treating me like dirt. I can’t believe you” ans “who is telling you to do this” etc. she said she was going to move out but that I’d never see her again. She reached out to us two days later to tell us she respects our decision but she’s super hurt and damaged by it. She asked for a few weeks to figure out what she needs to do. We told her she has five weeks before we sell the house. Anyway then today she texts us to tell us her plan is to live in her car and she asked to use our address for her Medicare. She plans to live in her car and still come visit my kids. My guess is that she’s going to come over every day to use our bathroom too? She hasn’t asked for our help to find a place even though we have offered twice. It seems like she’s trying to manipulate. She said things are getting scary. Our plan is to find an assisted living place for her to go to and tell her she needs to either go there or go back to Louisiana. I can’t have her coming over to see my kids when she’s living in her car, my five year old will be so confused and it will cause drama. She’s not going to want to live anywhere thst she can’t have a dog and that she can’t smoke pot so I’m afraid she’s going to say no. She can’t move anywhere without us because she doesn’t have the money and she needs us to move/drive her car. This is all so complicated and it makes me incredibly sad. Section 8 is an 11 year waiting list here in Southern California so that’s not an option.
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Your Mother will need to make a housing decision for herself based on her available options in the *real world*.

So far she won't do this. Or is it she CAN'T do this? (Many long term drinkers have short term memory, processing & reasoning problems).

Her *real world* options do not include 1. Your home 2. Section 8, as not available yet. 3. Hotel - too $$$.

What does this leave her?

She says her car. Maybe to be manipulative? Or maybe she really has no clue?

She will benefit from a Professional looking into her case & locating her real world options. Laying them out nice & simple. XYZ or homeless. A needs assessment should be part of this. A cognitive assessment may be too.

Have I mentioned *real world*? Coz many times folk want some kind of magic... want their kids/other family to provide all, pay for all, like a magic doll's house with free food & amenities. They wish to live in the magic doll's house. Drink, smoke, watch tv, enjoy their hobbies. Zero responsibilities. Live like a 5yr old if left home alone, eating cookies all day till they run out. Then cry for more.

Colorlessmoods, have you moved yet?
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Colorlessmoods May 2021
Thank you. When you say professional help, how do I find this to get the process going. A social worker? I believe she really can’t figure this out on her own, but my husband wants us to wait for her to ask for help because he doesn’t want to make her do anything. He says it’s needs to be her decision. So we’ve been waiting doe her to ask. I’m just not sure cognitively how she’s doing.

So currently I have two homes. The one she lives in is in Oregon. My other home is in Cali and that’s where I am now. But my home in Cali is being renovated so I’m not in that home yet. I don’t think it’s going to be ready when I thought it was, so My family and I will be moving into our back house once that is done being renovated (it’s about two weeks from being finished). So once our house in Oregon sells, I literally won’t have a place for her to go to. She used to live in our back house in California before we all moved to Oregon for an year. Now we are coming back. How do I convince her that she needs to take one of these two options? She can’t live in her car. Not in California, not in Louisiana. It’s too cold. She gets cold when it’s 80 degrees inside, not even joking. I’m just so stressed out. I really don’t know who to ask for help.
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Can't get assistance because she gets Medicare?

Do you see what I mean when I say her brain is fried?

"Did someone tell you that mom?". "Why do you think that is so, mom?"

She need a case manager. Have you called the local Area Agency on Aging to get her that?

If not, yes, you need to call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult.
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