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My 82-year-old mother is dying in the hospital and her spouse of 33 years, also in bad health, won't leave her side even to eat. I've been taking him meals, during the past two weeks.


Today he told me that after she dies, he wants me to bring him meals each day and stay there at his apartment while he eats.


This request is a problem. I can't possibly take him meals each day. I'm vision impaired, and I can't drive. Right now, I'm depending on my son to take me to the hospital to be with my mother.


I also have chronic health problems, including severe asthma and emphysema and sometimes, I go through bad spells in which I don't have the energy to do much of anything.


Another issue is the weather. In the Midwest, we could have times where the winter is severe, and it would be dangerous, if not impossible, for us to go out.


What's more, my mother and stepfather were hoarders. Their apartment is an environmental hazard with stuff stacked to the ceilings and bed bugs, roaches, and other insects crawling through it. I hate going there for even a short amount of time.


I think the best option for him would be a nursing home or assisted living. But he told me that he would not go to a nursing home. I don't even know if he has the means to go to a nursing home.


He apparently has no close family. He only has a son who wants nothing to do with him.


Do you have any suggestions about how to deal with this problem?

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Contact the local Area Agency on Aging and request Meals on Wheels to bring your step-father a daily meal (usually it's only M-F but ask if there's any weekend coverage) and a needs assessment. AAA's SWs can help determine what in home services step-father could qualify to receive. They can also help finding a placement for him, including the finances.

Tell your step-father why you cannot fulfill his request. Tell him you wish you could, but your own issues just won't allow it.
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There is a social work department at the hospital. Take a brief break and visit them introduce your stepfather's issues.

I'm so sorry that your mom is dying. Do you have hospice service? They are another good organization to involve.
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It sounds as though he might be eligible for Medicaid but he would probably need to hire a lawyer.

I think you need to be very honest and indicate your health issues and concerns. You could mention Meals on Wheels. I understand certainly how you feel about his house. My mother's apartment wasn't nearly that bad but I too couldn't stand to visit. She had a cleaning woman who took terrible advantage of her which was easy to do. Basically I would call her a non cleaning person.

You might start in small ways to indicate your limitations. You certainly should not put yourself at risk to your health and general well being. I am sorry about your mother. I wish you strength in times ahead.
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