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As the only daughter left alive, I convinced my husband to sell our home and move 1000 miles to live with my parents. He said yes, on one condition, that we would go away for the winter months. I agreed. It has been 4 years of living half the year with my parents and the other half we go away in the winter. Now my parents health is increasingly worse. My dad has heart failure and has difficulty walking anywhere because he can't breathe properly along with a few other ailments. My mom has her own health issues, mostly depression and has no energy. Both of them are experiencing some memory loss. When I am at home, I take care of both of them, take them to constant Dr.'s appointments, groceries, cooking, etc. Now, we recently departed for our 6 months away and I Skype with my parents every few days. They both are in their early 80's. I always told them while I'm away if there is a need, I will be back home on the next flight. I did get a cleaning service to come in twice a month to do the floors at least while we are away.


The last time I skyped with them, they both were saying that they were not feeling well at all. I'm having extreme guilty feelings for not being there, my dad can still drive but can't really walk to do groceries, which means my mom has to go in the store to buy food (she hates grocery shopping).


The problem is that when I am home with them, I get very stressed out because my parents constantly fight and argue. Also, they are European background and very old school. As the eldest and only child left, I always took care of my parents rather than my parents taking care of me. Now that I am 60 years old and my husband is 70 years old, we just don't have the same energy and patience that we used to have.


I don't know what to do, whether to fly back home and leave my husband for a few months alone and go help my parents or just wait till there is an emergency and then take it from there. I have such conflicting emotions on how to deal with it.

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You have been given some great advice here. I'm thinking you are going to be much better off and so is your husband and your parents when you act on some of this advice. You must feel very conflicted most of the time. Your husband probably feels bad about making you choose and if your parents are well mentally, they probably feel bad for worrying you and also knowing that their status is changing. They know an adjustment is needed. Although I haven't heard of this type arrangement before, I can see the merits. You've given your parents a great gift of extending their lives outside of facilities and I'm sure you all knew that it was for a time and not forever. Sometimes when we have to make changes we forget that whatever changes we make are just for a time. Some times are longer than others. This next stage can be anyone of those mentioned or perhaps something else you come up with. It too will be for a limited time. Whichever your family chooses, let it be a group decision where everyone's life and feelings are considered. You are the catalyst. Your reaction and action is important and long lasting to all. One thing I haven't seen mentioned is that since you are so fortunate to have both parents still living, it might be best for them both to take the next step together into AL or IL. Then when one is left without the other, they have already made that transition from home. I'm sure you will make the right decision.
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Your responsibility is to make sure they are safe, clean and fed. This doesn't mean you need to live with them or them with you. My Mom lives with me because there is no money for AL at this time. Have her house up for sale but in the meantime she is here. TG for Daycare. She is there 3x a week. After a year, I still don't want to be doing this. It was always me out of 4 kids. Feel at 66 and DH will be 69 this should be our time. I do think its time for a decision. Your husband did his share. Good Luck.
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Get them into an AL. But do not use your own funds. I can't stress that enough!
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All good suggestions! Each must evaluate their situation, and parents. For me, my mother with AD was not coping well at home, was delusional about what was happening around her.
Turns out she had a bladder infection, that landed her in the hospital. But even before she was treated, it was as if someone had slapped her across the face and reason returned. At least for a while. She admitted she was not thinking clearly.
So, she was so much better after they cleared that up, that even after we made arrangements to put her into assisted living, I thought I can do this. At least for a while. She did not want to move out of state to be with us, or leave her home, but when it was put to her, these are your choices, she chose me.
We have a home 450 miles away, much more comfortable than her old drafty farmhouse, and an active life and friends here. I was willing to offer care here, but I was not willing to move back to my home town to do it there. And I have done so. I eat a very healthy diet, she was living on PB sandwiches. We also take lots of supplements, and stay active. Just today, a friend told me how the change was so noticeable, and how Mother "blossomed" here.
Its been 11 years now. She is 85 in April. She still gets around with a rollator, goes 5 days a week to the Adult Day Care Center, that she just loves. Friends, food, and activities. That has helped too.
So, as long as she can do very basic things, albeit now with much prompting, I can continue her care here. But as I have said all along, I have no children. I can not break down my own health, when it is physically beyond our capabilities. I have shown my love and care for 11 yrs. But when it reaches a certain point, difficult though it will be, it would be time for NH. And we did have to admit her for a week to follow a hospital stay for PT. Yes, it was a difficult decision, even just for that. But we can only do so much for so long without help. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
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I totally agree with Fitzgerald in the fact that if they can't live without you then they are NOT independent. I lived with my dad for 6 mos. while he recouped from heart attack. I'm back home, he is in retirement facility (mom is in dem/alz facility) but the other wing is AL and that is the best of both worlds. so when he's ready, he will already be acclimated to everyone and facility. He is 93, lots of on going drs. appts also that I go to with him, financial things I take care of and other day to day errands that I do for both. I am also the only child left. I don't know how you do it leaving for 6 mos. Is your mom able to cook after she goes to store or do they eat out a lot. You might find 3 retirement/AL facilities, have lunch or dinner with them and then let them choose which one they like. That's what I did while in the process of selling my parents house. I didn't want him to live alone. You can point out how much their house is costing them in taxes, up keep, food, etc. Then point out that they would get 3 meals a day, no up keep (just call someone to change a bulb) cleaning, and transportation to drs. appt., cleaners, Walmart, grocery store. My dad is still driving but shortly will stop and I know it will be hard to give it up but at least he knows that he can get to walmart, the grocery store and has me to pick him up for appts. When they see it in black and white how much they can save by moving they might be more open to it. Believe me I understand how guilty you feel although you shouldn't because you havent done anything wrong to hurt them. I feel bad going away for 5 days but I do it. If they won't move or allow someone to come in and help them then that's on them and something will happen and cause them to move one way or the other. Good Luck and God Bless. And P.S.....if they are having "some" memory problems it might not be too long that they won't remember how to skype and then what??
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Inquire what arrangements your parent's friends have made for when they are too frail to care for themselves. The answer might surprise you (such as their friends have already booked a facility). See what their church or synagogue offers and where members of their generation are living. When you return go visit these people. Once the discussion has started ask them to outline their criteria for when they are to frail to live alone and should move to a facility. Make sure you have proper legal documentation in place to handle finances if they are too disabled to decide for themselves. Start planning with an elder law attorney to deal with the financial aspects as well.
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You might be the last surviving child, but you're not the world's only source of help for your parents. What would your flying back there accomplish? You can't stop them feeling unwell, and nor can anyone else. Other people can help with shopping, laundry, transport, the usual household chores. Presumably they have a GP and local health services. In short, anything you can do for them can be done by others - it's a matter of researching their local resources and :( paying for them. Your parents paying for them, that is, by the way, for the avoidance of doubt.
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Put your parents in an assisted living facility. Your husband is a saint! Your part is now to do the best for them and leave them with professionals.
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You don't have any legal responsibility. Is that what you're asking? Your only responsibility is self-imposed moral responsibility.
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Exactly the time to move is as akdaughter said..... While they are cognizant enough to settle in, make friends and learn the ropes. They think they can live on their own because they have you. They knew the arrangement when you moved there, that you would be away during the winter. Just because they don't feel well and hate gocery shopping is not reason enough to fly back. As my sister always asks me when I get bunched up about my dad not feeling well..."is he dying or bleeding from an orifrice?"....a bit shocking perhaps but it does put it in perspective. If they need hospitalization that's one thing but not because they don't feel well. Sometimes all they want is to be heard. There are other ways to keep them functioning for now. An in home service that will shop, there are taxis, there is grocery delivery, meals on wheels etc. a care community was suggested where they start in independent living and transition to higher levels of care as needed. This is where my dad is. If you think AL is needed best do it now...but they have to qualify for some sort of assistance and often take a cognitive type of assessment test. Better early than later. I am ready to transfer my dad to assisted living to help him have care available as he's getting frailer and has fallen. I can't be there 24/7 nor is that my job as a daughter. Setting boundaries are important to sanity and marriage.
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Your first obligation is to your husband.
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I am also the child of European immigrants; while I'm not the only surviving child, as you are, I am the only one living in the Western Hemisphere. Many of my friends are first-generation, also.
What this means is that many people in our circumstances have eldercare responsibilities that can be complicated by multiple sets of cultural values.
What it also means is that we have loads of contact with European cultures. And you know what? European cultures -- German, in my case -- are not stuck in a timewarp! Eldercare facilities -- AL, CC, etc. -- are even more common in Europe than they are here. "Old school" is apt, but the European aspect is moot.
Bottom line: you must protect your marriage and your life FIRST. Your parents are an important DUTY, but your husband and your own life are your PRIORITY. Do not renege on a promise to your husband just because your parents are stubborn. If they're not capable or comfortable or safe living independently (without you), then they're not independent. Period. Time for a change in their living arrangements.
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In regard to responsibility, the way I looked at it was if my parents continued to live in the single family house, then my parents needed to take on the responsibility of their choice.

I don't know how many times my parents would complain about something and I would bring up "it was your choice to keep living here" [regarding their large home].
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Carebuni, Most assisted living places will take them for two months while you are wintering elsewhere. Look into that, please.
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Look into continuing care communities that have Independent Living as a first tier.
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I suggest that you fly home and make arrangements for them to move into an assisted living facility. If they object, explain that it is just for the winter months while you are away and that this is a better solution than finding in-home help. Of course, it would be great if they love AL and decide to stay. This does actually happen, especially with people who are still healthy and cognizant enough to make friends and participate in activities. They get safety, help and entertainment, and you get peace of mind and the ability to keep your promise to your husband.
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Just saw your post about driving. Best check him out. Getting lost? Car all scratched up? Would you let grandkids ride with him. Tons of stuff on this forum about elders driving. Do some research. Take measures if necessary.
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What is our resposibilty to our parents? Very good discussion.

I'm also the last child, 600 miles from my mid 80s parents who are in a similar condition as yours. I feel our responsibility is certainly to provide care for our parents, whether in home or in an appropriate facility. But we also have a responsibilty to not destroy our lives and neglect our families in the process. One is equally important as the other.

In this balance there will be doubt, guilt, second guessing, weepy parents and the whole nine yards. It won't be perfect. Old folks get sick, have falls, the mind goes and there is only so much that can be done to mitigate these truths. This goes on whether you're with them 24/7 or they're in a facility.

So find the best way for your family to balance the care of EVERYONE.
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My father still drives when I am not there. That's part of the guilt I have, what if something happens to him while he's driving. We live out in the suburbs (almost country side) of a small city. The plan has been to sell the house (but the real estate market is very depressed where we are) and they want to move into the city in an apartment. When I bring up the subject of assisted living, they seem to think they can still live on their own but they really can't. I will look into getting their groceries delivered.
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Scratch that out. I agree with what the posters above me said while I was busy writing a novella.
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I totally relate to your situation. I moved closer to my Mom 5 years ago to a state with a climate I can't stand (in this case, Florida), and have tried for 5 summers to get away from Florida. It hasn't happened yet, for reasons similar to your parents' situation.

On the shopping front, can your Mom walk well enough to get one of the motorized carts from the front of the store and bring it back for your father? That's what I do for my Mom when we go, because she can't walk around stores, either.

Next, can your parents afford more help? Some of the tasks at least could be covered by a home care companion/housekeeper if the funds are available. In addition, that person could take care of those occasional mini-emergencies such as a beeping smoke alarm, a burned out light bulb, etc.

Who takes them to drs appointments when you're not available? I'm assuming that these are spread out over the course of the year, not concentrated within the spring and summer months.

Generally, I would think that if parents are impaired enough to need a live-in helper, they're going to need that year-round, not just half the year. That doesn't make it your responsibility. Maybe they should be in assisted living. That may be the only option unless you can be with them more or less year-round without damaging your marriage of destroying your sanity.

Next, do your parents need supervision
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Until you can get them settled in assisted living, order their groceries online for delivery. Kroger stores offer this service and I'm sure there are others.
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Exactly, Kimber.

To live independently, at the very least, they need someone in town they can rely on. Someone who checks in by phone at least every few days and stops in once a week.

It's time for assisted living if you plan on spending six months away.
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Help your parents find assisted living.
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