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My wife and I have had a trip planned since January. My mom is in poor health and recently had bowel surgery. They live 5 states away. There was uncertainty around if the surgery would happen and that it would be risky. My dad asked me to come down there. I own my own business and because there was no certain timeline I said I would check my schedule. I was going to go but the issue was when. He said if something happened and I didn’t get to see her I would regret it forever and that he didn’t think he could forgive me. She went in for emergency surgery as her bowel ruptured. She pulled through and I flew down as soon as I could. She survived and I spent a few days with her while she was in the hospital. I went home and she went to rehab. She may be discharged from rehab soon but my Dad is unable to take care of her on his own. He asked me if I could come down there for a few weeks to help him. I told him that was my trip with my wife. He said, “Well, what’s more important?” I said, “Don’t put that on me.” He said, “Well, you gotta do what you gotta do and so do I.” As well, he will be provided with counsel and resources for her post rehab care. He also recently bought a home where I live but choose to live away half the year. He told me yesterday he is selling the house up here.


In both instances He contacted a relative who lives in my state and said they could be there and guilt tripped me with it. I don’t feel wrong on choosing to go on the trip with my wife. Just wondering how to navigate this with my dad.

First let me thank everyone who took time to answer on my original post and update. I appreciate all of the encouragement and support. 

My Dad admitted he was being selfish and that he was wrong to be so angry. He said it was tearing him apart to have this between us and that he was sorry.
He said he just wanted it to be done and water under the bridge.

I told him I did not like it either and That we are good but that we have some stuff to workout. We don’t have to talk about it now but there is some rebuilding we have to do in our relationship. Even as angry as I was I never stopped telling him I loved him but I get to set boundaries and I get to live my life and any help I decide to give has to be on my terms.

He thinks he may permanently move near me. 

I believe he was sincere and that he is ashamed and wants things to be different.

I will make sure he realizes that things have to be different moving forward and over time we can figure that out as we heal.

I am guarded though. Not gonna act like it is all sunshine and rainbows. But for now I think we can at least continue to communicate and focus on the most important thing…what is best for my Mom.

I forgive him

I will not hold it over his head but I will remember so that if it happens again I will call him out on it and maintain firm boundaries.
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waytomisery Jun 26, 2024
You’ve got this !!
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Update..

My Dad called me today and apologized
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Fawnby Jun 25, 2024
And your response was……?
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So, FWIW, I cannot overstate this: I'm an 87 Y/O woman and pretty much "old school" about personal care and hygiene. I would be HORRIFIED--yes, horrified!--to contemplate calling upon my family (especially my son) to provide hands-on physical care. Question: when Dragon's mom was able to think clearly, what were her views on such matters?
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Keep it simple. Take your vacation, send a card. Ignore his manipulation and GO.

The reality is Mom is HIS responsibility, not yours. Unless he's totally helpless, he needs to behave like a man, call and hire caregivers. Or calls her Doctor to order who he needs to help him out. He hires trained medical personnel, so his wife has the proper care. How can he expect his adult son to help play nursemaid? What medical experience do you have? Mom would be horrified.

I have Homecare nurses for a leg wound the last 6 months, and they are EXCELLENT. They text the night before with their arrival time. They make sure I get what I need, calm me down and give me strength. Exactly what Mom needs.

Then Dad orders groceries, has them delivered. Or gets her favorite takeout, calls a caterer, whatever. He hires a cleaning lady for the bedding and laundry. He supervises the hired crew on site, like he should. He makes sure things are handled correctly and efficiently. He obviously has the money, plus Doctor's orders are covered by Medicare. He should stop his whining and take care of business! His wife is depending on him for this! If you need to give Dad some tough love, then do it. When Mom was in labor and giving birth, did he run off? Sure it's scary stuff, exactly why you get pros to come in, that know what they are doing.

If he can handle the stress of buying a second house, spare me the guilt trips. Unless he's wheelchair bound or has Alzheimers, his job is to take care of his own wife, whatever it takes. Just like your job is to take care of YOUR wife. He needs to STEP UP and do his job as a husband, and get it all organized! Then he can WATCH AND LEARN.
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I don't think you need any advice on how to navigate this because from what I'm reading, you're pretty much handling the situation perfectly.

You've done well not letting anyone work you over with the guilt-trip BS because that does not help anyone.
Most likely your father is afraid to have your mother at home alone with him if she needs care. So he wants you to handle it for him.
Of course this is understandable. Your father wants help but it must be on his terms or not at all. It work like that.

You're doing the right thing. You have a business to run and a life of your own. Remember, your father is the one who refuses to relocate to the home they own near you. That's not your fault. Offer to help them get set up with homecare for when your mother gets out of rehab. If he says no, that's on him not you.
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Dragon92771 Jun 23, 2024
Thank you for your reply. I agree and can empathize with him being scared. That is why there are professionals to help and I have tried to give him all that information on getting that set up. I made calls and sent web links for him and would even make the calls for him if needed. I called the hospital and they said before mom is discharged a social worker will meet with them to line it all up. I am doing what I can but it seems it not enough.
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I am fairly new to this forum and dealing with the lack of help (no help!) with elder care and support for my Dad. From what I have read, you have made the effort to visit your Mom when she had the surgery. That is important to your Mom, your father and you. I think your Dad is being unfair expecting you to give up a vacation to help with rehab. You are not a nurse or trained home health aid. It sounds like he has the means to hire someone who could come in and help and you had a relative offer to come and help. How great is that!?! Go on your vacation and don't let your Dad guilt trip you.
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Dragon92771 Jun 23, 2024
Thank you for your reply! Looking forward to my trip just sad about my Dad.
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Go on your trip. Ignore Dad for now and his manipulative guilt tactics. I remember one thing someone said here some time ago is that you cannot fix old. The time you spend with your wife is important.

Don't put your life on hold for others or stop living to solve someone else's problem.
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Dragon92771 Jun 23, 2024
Thank you for your reply. I am very much looking forward to it!
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Enjoy your trip.

Having aging parents is a marathon not a sprint.

If Dad owns two homes he can pay for in home caregivers to help with Mom.
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Dragon92771 Jun 23, 2024
Thank you for your reply.
It’s like he is miserable and wants me to be as well.
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You need to show up for you and your wife first, similar to putting on your own oxygen mask before assisting others on a troubled air flight. It sounds like you are very supportive. If and only if it would help you feel better, share with your dad what you CAN do. Can you check in by phone, email, or text at a specific time every day or every other day? Can you tell him you’ll be thinking of them both every day? Can you offer to visit at a later date if your mom is still recovering ?

Expect pushback no matter what you do. Even if you skipped your vacation, your dad will ask for more. Even the most experienced hospice nurse can’t predict the exact time someone is dying, although they can come pretty close sometimes. Your dad is scared and your parents’ world is shrinking. It’s an unrealistic expectation to demand that you be there at “the end” & it’s regrettable your father said he could never forgive. Having been through this with all 4 of my parents/in-laws passing , I will say that we humans seem to be really good at inflicting guilt on others and really bad at asking for assistance and bad at seeing how much others are sacrificing for us. There are so many ways we can be there for each other in dying and in living. We each just do our very best and I hope we can all come away with love in our hearts- for each other and ourselves.

Give yourself lots of grace. Peace to you on all of your life journeys.
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Dragon92771 Jun 22, 2024
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your perspective. Blessings to you as well.
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Regarding the issue of not being there, that you “would regret it forever and that he didn’t think he could forgive me”. We have had people ‘regretting it’ because they had gone home ‘too early’ after waiting for 36 hours, even though at the end, the person dying is rarely totally conscious about exactly who is there. We have had parents ‘not forgiving’ things that happened years and decades ago, and bringing it up over and over again – or alternatively forgetting about the whole thing a couple of days later. Some parents are manipulating masters in guilt tripping, particularly to play off siblings or relatives.

Reality is that the best you can do, is what seems best at the time. Commonsense has to come into all those difficult decisions. You ‘navigate it’ by saying ‘yes Dad’, and moving on.
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Dragon92771 Jun 22, 2024
Thank you for your reply. Can you elaborate more on what you mean by “yes Dad”? Maybe it is obvious but it is early and haven’t had coffee yet 🙂
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Let the relative who volunteered to go cover that time. Its rare for a relative to volunteer, so let them do it
Believe me, you will have plenty of time going to spend time with Mom.
Take your trip. Let relatives come in and cover. Stand your ground with dad. It will be worth it in the long run...

(I'm good at advice but not that great at followiing my own advice, but I'm working on it and making progress! its not always easy standing up to dad. from your comments I think you and me share that vulnerability)
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Dragon92771 Jun 22, 2024
Thank you for your reply. If my relative is willing that is fine but it is still the issue of she isn’t a qualified caregiver either and he is just using it to make me feel guilty.
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"feels like he is playing the victim and blaming me"

Check out our thread on the Drama Triangle;

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/the-karpman-drama-triangle-487086.htm

A Victim can look for a Rescuer, if met with refusal, may label the Bad Guy.
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Dragon92771 Jun 22, 2024
Thank you again Beatty. That was a great article! Appreciate it.
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Dragon, your parents are only in their early 70s. By today's standards, that's not old. They could live another 20 years. That needs to be taken into consideration as you move forward. Don't get backed into a corner so that it's all on you for 20 more years! Dad can self-educate and learn to do things for himself. No one should have to cook for an able-bodied adult male. He can order from a restaurant, from factor.com, or buy frozen dinners to pop in the microwave. He can clean a bathroom, vacuum a floor, wash the clothes.

I'm way older than he is. I take care of my husband, who has dementia, all of the housework, all buying of food and supplies online, all dealing with home repair issues (lots of which I can do myself), and hiring people to do what I can't (drywall repair). I do all the laundry and upkeep of cars. I would never expect my children to take care of me like he expects of you. Don't put up with it.

Maintain your independence. Once surrendered, it's almost impossible to regain.

Give a thought to dad if your mother should pass away. Where will he go, what will he do? Make sure he doesn't move in with you. Start thinking of alternatives NOW.
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Dragon92771 Jun 21, 2024
Thank you for your reply. Yes indeed what would my Dad do when my mom goes. Or worse…if he goes first. That is why I want them up here. His health is no better. He has had a heart attack and Vfib…has a defibrillator that most recently went off late last month! His cardiologist always says he should have been dead years ago.
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Your dad is looking more for someone to come and take care of him. Even if you weren't going on a trip, I seriously doubt you could give up several weeks of your time to basically take care of your father while your mother recuperates.

My father tried to do the same when I was going on a trip...I got asked who I had scheduled to 'take care of him'. I told him it was not my responsibility.

Your parents chose to move away. It is even more shocking that they have a home in your area but did not choose to stay there when issues were surfacing.
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Dragon92771 Jun 21, 2024
Thank you for your reply. My wife would agree with you. Even more shocking that now he is listing the home near me after only owning it for 8 mos and only living in it for one. His life but still.
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If dad can not care for her after she leaves rehab at what point WILL he be able to care for her? The point of rehab is to be able to get the patient so that they can safely be cared for at home or self care as much as possible.

Depending on the surgery and the care that she needs after it might be best if she stay a week or two in Assisted Living or even Long Term Care/ Skilled Nursing.
Or mom and dad hire caregivers that will come in and help when help is mostly needed. Probably morning and evening. (If you can get an agency to do a split shift.) Or hire someone for a day shift, come in in the morning then before they leave get mom ready for the evening just to make it easier for dad.

It is possible that he might not be able to care for her on his own at all and a move to Assisted Living might be the safest thing for her (and him as well)
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Dragon92771 Jun 21, 2024
Thank you for your reply. That was the hope when we were having them move up here. We toured some local assisted living and they felt it wasn’t necessary. They bought a place across the street from us and spent a month but then went back for the rest of the winter. Too cold up here for my Dad. Now we are where we are and he has decided to sell the house here…part of me thinks out of spite but that is just conjecture.
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Dragon,

Every once in a while, we get a poster who says, “Your parents took care of you when you were little. Now they need you to take care of them.”

Oh my gosh! There is a huge difference between caring for a child and caring for a parent.

Trust me. I know what I am talking about. I raised two children. I also took care of my parents, which was so much harder than raising my kids!

So many of us led with our hearts instead of our heads, not realizing how difficult caregiving would become as time went on.

Don’t ever feel like you owe your parents anything because they raised you.

I am so proud of you for not caving when your dad tried to lay a huge guilt trip on you. Bravo 👏! I am not worried about you!

You may need to vent. You might be concerned about how this will affect your relationship with your dad, but you have already shown your wife, all of us and yourself what you’re made of.

I am hoping that your dad will respect you for standing up for yourself and your wife.

You seem to be a kind person who cares about others, but you certainly aren’t a pushover. Your wife is a lucky woman. I have a feeling that she is very special in your life too.
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Dragon92771 Jun 21, 2024
Again…much appreciated 🙂 I don’t know that I am not a pushover…I am a people pleaser by nature and I think that is the button he is pushing. Every time I am around him I feel like I am 12 and I have long felt like I need to stand up to him but never have. Maybe the Universe is trying to tell me it’s now or never. I am concerned as it feels like the relationship is at stake. I have been calling him daily since Nov and the past few days he isn’t answering. My wife is helping me see the manipulation that I miss because she has been through it in her own life. I dearly love and am so grateful for her. She is the best!
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Dragon92771,
As I'm reading more, your dad sounds a lot like mine. He has also tried to control me since I was a child. For years I let him because I was afraid of him but now, I have to put myself and my daughter first. He does not even want me to work so that I can be his full time caregiver. He is now in a facility because that is where he needs to be. I agree with others who have told you not to tell him when you and your wife are going out of town. I started not telling my dad until the last minute because he would start talking about not feeling good and etc. Also, they will guilt trip you. It is HARD but you have to stand up for yourself. Do not waste a moment with your wife. If your mother needs a high level of care, she needs professionals.
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Dragon92771 Jun 21, 2024
Thank you for your reply. The guilt tripping is hard…especially from a father. I don’t want to sound self righteous because I know my many shortcomings but I cannot imagine doing that to my son. I specifically remember when I had him that I was going to do things differently as a Dad.
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Dragon,

Just read your response to my first post to you.

What a joke, huh? That your dad would come back with the remark.

“I was working three jobs, but found the time to be with you, when you were out of town and in the hospital at age 13.”

First of all, it is wonderful that your dad was there for you when you were in the hospital. I will give him that, but you were a kid!

It was your dad’s responsibility to see that you were cared for properly.

So, is he keeping score now? Seriously? You don’t owe him anything for doing his job as a parent!

I don’t expect my kids to pay me back for being a parent. They didn’t ask to be born.

Your father isn’t thinking logically. It’s really hard to communicate with someone who is being irrational.

I’m sorry that he feels like you owe him. How sad for you and for him. You were treated like crap when you didn’t do anything wrong.

Now, he has to live with his bad behavior. That is, if he even recognizes that he was wrong.

The fact that he may cover his own butt by telling your mom that you won’t be there is pretty pathetic as well. Wow!

I respect people who ‘own it’ when they screw up. I won’t hold it against them if they sincerely apologize. If they try to blame me for it. Oh, no, that won’t fly with me.

When people don’t own their irrational behavior, plus they try to throw someone else under the bus for it, I lose all respect for them.
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Anxietynacy Jun 21, 2024
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After I started the caregiving journey with my mom, I found the forum. What I learned way too late is that boundaries are critical. Boundaries that preserve your life and your "immediate" family and boundaries for the care you can do for your "extended" family...dad and mom. It is absolutely not easy....almost impossible but you have to do it to maintain a balance in your life.
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Dragon92771 Jun 21, 2024
Thank you for your reply. It definitely feels like what he is asking is unbalanced in his favor.
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Go on your planned trip. My dad use to always try to discourage me from going anywhere and still does. He should be able to get some type of services to help him with her. Please do not cancel your plans. Your dad should not make you feel guilty.
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Dragon92771 Jun 21, 2024
Thank you for your reply. I truly am looking forward to getting away.
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Tell Dad your mother will not want you doing hands on physical care .

Dad can hire a female aide to come ,
If Dad is the one in need of “ a wife” ,
he can hire a housekeeper .

Enjoy your trip . From now on don’t tell him when you are doing something fun. That tends to set off someone who is at the point they can’t do fun things. If you need to be vague you say “ I’m not available that week “. Or “ That’s not a good week for me to come down “.

Get them used to getting help from resources other than you. Do not prop up a false independence by doing for them. Let them see that they need help , you maybe getting closer to assisted living for Mom . You didn’t make them old , Dad is wanting you to fix their problems .
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Dragon92771 Jun 21, 2024
Thank you for your reply. It does feel like he wants me to do it for him and maybe…in his mind…he feels justified for what he did in providing for me as I was growing up. But he is not helpless nor powerless…feels like he is playing the victim and blaming me.
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You don't say how old your parents are. If you Dad has always been an unreasonable person, or he is recently becoming more unreasonable, it's possible he is having cognitive/memory issues himself. Loss of reason, logic, judgment, memory and empathy for others are the early symptoms. It would be no surprise that caring for your Mom may be totally overwhelming him and now he doesn't have the ability to finesse help from people. He goes right to shaming.

If this is the case, there won't be any way to navigate this with him in an adult and mature way since he may not be able to use his emotional and executive cognitive skills like he hopefully did in the past. Now you may have a different problem: how to know what's actually going on with your Dad and whether he himself needs help as well.
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Dragon92771 Jun 21, 2024
Thank you for your reply. My parents are in their late 70’s. He has always been this way…my whole life has been feeling like I am under the microscope with him trying to control. I can completely understand and have compassion for him feeling scared and overwhelmed…anyone would feel that way. He day trades…he is cognitively sharp…just emotionally disconnected.
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Distance yourself. The manipulation is insidious.
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Dragon92771 Jun 21, 2024
Thank you for your reply. That is what my wife says.
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It may not be the set of parents, it may just be Dad. I know men, where the wives took care of them in sickness but it was a whole different thing when the wife got sick. It was like "how dare you get sick". My Dad was one of those men. My FIL after my MILs surgery, never asked anything of his sons or wives. They were about 70 and she had 10in of her intestines removed and had a bag. They lived 15 hrs from us.

If ur a son, not sure why Dad would think you could do anything for Mom. He can have the doctor order "in home" care. They, also, could evaluate the home and see if there was anything that could be used to make Dads care easier. Like a shower chair. A hand held shower head. Temporary bars in the tub. If Mom is going to have a bag, both he and Mom need to be trained in how to care for it.

You work hard. You and wife take that planned vacation. Dad will be OK. Would love to know what this relative is expected to do and if it is something that Dad could have done? Please update us.
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Dragon92771 Jun 21, 2024
Thank you for your reply. I am a son. Will try to remember to update
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Another set of parents that thinks that their kids should give up their lives to wipes their butts.

Classic case of absolutely no planning being done on the parent's part.
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Anxietynacy Jun 21, 2024
Dragon I think you got are unified answer to your question.
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You visited your mom when she had surgery, so you have nothing to feel guilty about for not wanting to stay several weeks more. That's not something a working person can do, even if you own the company - especially if you own the company.

In the future, don't share details with your dad about upcoming vacations.

I remember my parents figuring this out with their own parents, because it reached a point where one of them would inevitably start to "feel sick" like clockwork as the departure date approached.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 21, 2024
My husband’s grandmother would do this with my MIL. As soon as she knew about an upcoming trip, she would fabricate some type of emergency.

It was a form of control. There was never a genuine emergency.

My mother in law, an only child who was a wonderful woman, caught onto her behavior and she didn’t tell her mother about her trips until the time of departure.

My husband’s grandmother was so awful that if she knew that my MIL had a lunch date with her friend she would try to sabotage it.

All of her schemes backfired because my MIL started telling her mom that she had dentist or doctor appointments instead of lunch dates out.

Her mom was jealous because she didn’t have any friends. She didn’t have friends because she was such a busybody!
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One poster on this forum told us that her dad said that he didn’t want his children to be his caregiver. He had seen that situation tear families apart.

What a wise, kind and loving father! Right?

I can’t remember which poster said this but I was so impressed with her dad.
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Dragon92771 Jun 21, 2024
Thank you for your reply.
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I agree that the “care” he wants is for himself since his wife, who “took care” of him now can’t and he’s acting all helpless.
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Dragon92771 Jun 21, 2024
Thank you for your reply. That seems right but confuses me because there are plenty of helpful resources for him and I will help in whatever way I can. I have even called around and provided numbers and info for him regarding in home care. Will even make the calls for him if he needs. He just seems to want me to do it to the point of my physical presence. 3 weeks…what about after that? Am I supposed to move to where they live…the kid comes to the parent?
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