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My brain is telling me yes, it was the right choice. He was wandering, sometimes would get angry, did get physical w my brother, regardless of if the situation was handled correctly. No one was hurt. He is there, it's been 2 days, we have a ring camera in the room. They didn't do what we asked as far as laying clothes out the night before for the morning. He is strong, can walk, can dress himself etc. Yes, he needs to be cued. I worry he feels abandoned. He has slept 4 hours the first night and 3 hours the 2nd night. They have asked us to stay away for a week or two. This is so hard. Just trying to navigate as me and my sibling have cared for him, had a 24 hour live in and a day person from 11-5. We didn't live in but were very involved. I understand the transition period, but I guess there is one for me too. I hate this disease. When does it get better?

Why would staff lay out dad's clothes the night before? My mother's suite was pretty small, so they'd have had to lay out her clothes on her recliner were they to do such a thing. Instead, in the morning, the gals would ask mom what SHE felt like wearing and dress her accordingly (or help her dress).

A camera can be a mixed blessing. It can drive you crazy if you're going to watch it all day and expect staff to do things your way vs. their way. It's hard not to want to micromanage things in MC because you've cared for dad for a long while. But MC has a way of doing things that seems to work for the elders, a schedule they follow, etc. It's a good idea to let dad get acclimated to their ways, because structure is vital for dementia residents.

When I moved mom into Memory Care from regular AL, I visited her daily for the first few weeks. I didn't want her to feel abandoned, and I wanted to make sure she was okay. The admin makes a suggestion to not visit for a week or two, you don't have to follow that suggestion if it's upsetting you or you feel like dad is upset. Do what YOU feel is best. Then play it by ear afterward.

Things tend to get better when dad settles in. Mom was always a huge complainer, especially for ME, so to hear her tell it, she was being starved and ignored and yada yada, none of it true. A person doesn't gain weight steadily while being starved, or look clean and well dressed while being ignored. Some elders save up all their angst for US, the Bad Guys, while enjoying themselves with activities and crafts in MC. It's different for everyone, but don't jump at every complaint dad makes, or think you have to fix everything FOR him. Give him time to settle in.

Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
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loripoppy Jun 17, 2024
Hi, I think the camera is to make sure we are getting what was promised the first few weeks. its part of the reason we selected this particular memory care facility. They did recommend visiting alone, not all together (theres 3 of us in state and one out of state). So my brother would typically visit him at home and then stay an hour and leave. So he went to see him and stayed about an hour and then said he had to pick up his kids. My Dad first asked him to take him home, but then said OK, do what you need to do and come back later. So I guess it was good. My sister went yesterday alone and as sundowning began, it was suggested for me NOT to go, I will be going tomorrow. He is eating fine, and follows directions, I know it will get better as he settles in, fingers crossed. Thank you for your message. I appreciate it!
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We all hate this disease, and yes, there’s definitely a transition period for you as well. Call the place your dad is living and speak with a staff member. They may be able to calm some of your concerns. More importantly remember what you stated, dad was wandering, how terrifying for both him and the family, he’s safe from that now. He was unreasonably angry, he’s in a place where professionals are used to caring for people with that issue appropriately, what a relief for you both. You’ve done well in looking out for him
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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You didn't cause this disease and you can't fix it. Unfortunately, it is not yet curable or preventable, and once it progresses your father isn't safe on his own at all. This wasn't really a choice. This was a necessity. And no, it will not go without a hitch. It will always carry with it problems and heartbreak, and expecting anything other would be magical thinking.

Allow yourself to mourn this loss. Allow him to as well.
You will expect adjustments. Give admins reminders of what to put in his care plan about his clothing layout, for instance.

This is heartbreaking stuff. Know you aren't alone. Know not everything can be fixed. You are not responsible to make it all "fine" for your Dad. No one can do that. It isn't fine. The end of life seldom is; rather it is a time of losses. I am so sorry. You are doing the right thing, the ONLY thing that can be done now.
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loripoppy Jun 17, 2024
I needed to read your message and then share w my sister as we both are having a hard time even though we know it was necessary. Thank you so much! xx
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This is touchy. You are already monitoring his sleep and freaking out. Is he crying out? Some places say visit them constantly, others say stay away. Are you more upset with guilt? He is used to caregiver overload, with a 24 hr live-in PLUS a Day person 11-5? Wow.
Stay strong and let the professionals handle it. He doesn't need clothes laid out. He needs to be fed, clean and safe.

Maybe a quick call to say hello and you will see him soon? Call and ask the staff how he is. Try hard to stay away.
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loripoppy Jun 17, 2024
Hi Dawn88, He isn't crying out, but I can see that he is confused as to what to do, what to change into, looking for lights etc. Yes we had a lot going on the last month w the help as we were trying to see if it was sustainable to try to keep him in his home. I think that was the hardest decision, as he always wanted to die in his home and we aren't able to keep his wishes (not that he remembers). I am def trying to let them do their job, and I know that the transition for him and me too! I have not gone to visit as he was having a hard time asking to go home all the time, they said if me or my sister went, he may get agitated or be angry and to based on their experience to wait a little while longer. The director did think that I can probably go visit him tomorrow and make it a short visit before a scheduled activity so that he enjoys the visit and then goes to next thing. The staff has been great w communicating and listening. They told me not to feel badly about repeating things to them and it will get better. That is my hope! THank you for responding. It's nice to not feel so alone.
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Please don’t second guess your decision. If your dad was wandering around, he needs more supervision.

You’re a wonderful daughter to recognize this and you have made the right decision for placement.

This is new for your dad and it’s new for you. Both of you are going to adjust. Give it time.

Please listen to Lea’s comments. She found a lovely community for her own parents to live in. Lea’s mom was well cared for in her memory care.

She also worked in an assisted living community. She saw residents and their family members on a daily basis.

Wishing you peace.
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loripoppy: As your father was wandering, you made the right decision.
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I just moved my mom into a memory care unit 4 weeks ago. It is quite an adjustment. She doesn’t have the strength to walk by herself and tries to get up, then falls. That is our big challenge. But they have gotten her participating in activities. She is not asking to go home as much. But there are times when they are busy and she is just left alone. It’s hard. There is no perfect answer. She is sun downing also. That makes her more of a challenge in the later afternoon. Harder to calm her down. They are trying. I have to be patient.
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loripoppy

Did you visit yet?
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I would like to move my dad to a similar facility, but my siblings disagree. I think my father would be safer and have more social contacts. I strive for win-win moments when I visit. Perhaps you could create a Memory Book of good times to share with him when you visit. My dad likes facts—he enjoyed trivia questions about geography. When you do visit, try to make it enjoyable for both of you. Know that you’ve made a safe decision for your dad before his situation worsens.
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