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My Dad has been in a dementia care facility for one month. He hasn’t settled in yet. I would like to bring him to my home for Father’s Day for a few hours. I have mixed feelings about it being the right time or is it too soon? My hope is it would help him realize he can go on outings, and become more accepting of his new home.

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Too soon.

The MC will almost certainly have a Fathers Day party. Celebrate it there
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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It depends . Does he understand , and remember that he has to live there ? Or does he keep asking when he can go back home ?

If he’s not settled in yet and he asks to go home , not understanding he has to stay there, then it’s too soon to take him to your house . Also if he used to live with you I think it’s a bad idea to bring him home so soon .
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Reply to waytomisery
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No. His home is now the facility, and you can go there for Father’s Day. It’ll be a whole planned event and way more fun than going to your house. What you want and expect him to think almost certainly won’t be what he actually thinks!
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Reply to Fawnby
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NO...NO
Particularly if he has not "settled in" yet.
If you want to take him on an outing bring him to lunch. Or to a park.
In the process of going to lunch or to the park do NOT drive anywhere near his old residence.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Disaster waiting to happen. Leave him where he belongs.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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I am crushed to read the answers. Does this mean we are trying to make them forget any homes they have been to? Just placed my father in a memory care as he was always walking out the front door, at any time of day or night or early morning. It was for safety as having me and my sister as caregivers along w a live-in and still with lack of sleep was burning everyone out. Now it is day 2 and all i can think is how he must feel abandoned. They said to wait a week or two, however, is that the norm. I am so sad not to be able to go see him on Father's Day, they do not recommend it for he will ask to go home with us OR be angry for leaving him there. how do you navigate this hard process?
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Reply to loripoppy
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ZippyZee Jun 13, 2024
They thrive on routine. Such a drastic change could set him back significantly.
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Wow, what a great discussion with is facility and his caregivers.
Definitely ask the facility caregivers what they think. I mean literally WAYLAY them in their daily duties and say "I am __________________daughter and wonder. What do you think. I would love your input".
I am betting they would love to speak with you. At any good facility they would. They might say "Gee, I just serve lunch! Ask Esmy down the line. She knows your Dad real well".

When my brother went into ALS care his caregivers knew him IN A WEEK.
They are wondrous resources. They will share.

Good luck.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I trust you.
You already KNOW the answer to this.
You know who his is.
And how to tell him so.
Wow. Do I ever trust you.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I would follow the protocol of wherever you placed your dad. They have experience in these matters.

It’s confusing to you now because this is a learning curve for you and your father.

As time goes by, it will start to make more sense to you.

Wishing you and your dad all the best.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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If you take him home, the risk is that it might backfire badly. If you go to him at the facility, the risk is that it might seem a bit flat.

If you chose to go to him, find out from the staff what usually happens, and see if you can add your bit – partly so that it makes him feel special. His 'new family' will have something to talk to him about later, which may help him in settling in.

Remember that some residents may have no children, or none that can visit, so you can help to make it a bit less ‘flat’ for everyone. I may have had unusual older male relatives and friends, but all of mine just LOVE crystalised ginger dipped in chocolate. That’s an easy option to share!
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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I tried a mini-version of this about a month after placing my mom. Just like you I wanted her to know she was not stuck there 24/7 and could still enjoy time away elsewhere.

I have property and there is a driveway that leads to the back where I have fruit trees, blueberry bushes and vegetable garden. I drove her around back and we stayed in the vehicle with the windows open in the orchard and over by the garden and I told her when the blueberries came in I could set up a chair and umbrella and she could pick blueberries for me. She loved gardening when she was younger so naturally she was thrilled! It came to bite me on the butt later.

That one little trip in March caused confusion and crying about going "home" to pick blueberries. I'm telling you, it was a complete mistake. It's now the middle of June and I believe we've finally gotten past it. These good intentions on my part set into motion months of not accepting her B&C was now "home." After her last hospitalization she came back to her room, looked at all her family photos on the wall and said "Ohhhhh it's so good to be back home." My eyes filled because I felt my mistake would never get us there and it was so good to hear.

My advice based on personal experience is to wait. Some others may have different (and better) experiences though.
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Reply to Sha1911
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AlvaDeer Jun 14, 2024
Sha, sorry it went South for you, but your writing this is great, I think, for your OP. Thanks for this experience. I could FEEL it.
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Since your dad hasn't settled in yet, I would just bring the Father's day celebration to him at his facility, as you certainly don't need him taking steps backwards.
Give him more time to adjust. And down the road, you can start by taking him to either a restaurant or city park for a picnic, and see how he does when you bring him back.
I would stay away from bringing him to any home that might trigger him and make it harder for him to return to his facility.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Please read Sha's post to you below.
I think it is so beautifully written, and would definitely be my fear for you.
Such beautiful intentions. So much sadness.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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When your dealing with someone with Demenia, logic goes out the door. They no longer understand why they can't do. You can't reason with them. Think of trying to explain something to a small child. There little brains can only comprehend so much. Same with Dementia, the brain though is dying. The person does not look at themselves as old with limitations. Their minds go backwards as they lose longterm memory.

Once my Mom was in her AL, I never took her out. Never took her to see the "old homestead". Their world becomes small. To take them out of it causes confusion and can be overwhelming. Church was familiar to Mom but became overwhelming with the people that came over to give her a hug and just say hi. She was better in her room at my house watching the service on my laptop.

So, do not bring Dad home. The facility will have something there you can join in on. Sometimes its not so much doing for them, we are really doing it for us. Dad probably will not even realize Sunday is fathers day. And if told, he may not retain the info.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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