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STOP ENABLING GRAMPS TO RUIN YOUR LIFE. TALK TURKEY....Tell him to Stop Bitching or He will be Twitching ALONE AT HOME. Happy Holidays, Hope no Storm your Way that Day....
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Why not just go visit him for a few hours.? Bring him some pie or a plate of ledtovers.
If he asks what's up, simply say your visiting/ed friends or family from spouses side or tell him youre just trying something different.
You can figure some excuse out.
Just make sure you stick to the plan.
Sure you may need to sacrifice part of your day but not all.
Give him a choice. You come over or dont come over. Up to him.

Good luck and Happy Holidays.
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Harpcat Nov 2019
No I do not think he needs to sacrifice any part of his day.
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I read stories like this one and they make me so angry. Your godfather has a lot of entitlement and mean spirited. The elder Japanese do demand respect but they aren’t all hateful like him. Anyway, no one has a right to behave like a bratty two year old and ruin everything for everyone. If you acquiesce and invite him over for any holiday then you need to work on boundaries, recognize enabling and learn how to grow a spine. This man may be a godfather but he is as god-less, selfish, and ungrateful as they come. Tell him to make plans at the casino for the holidays this year and offer no reason. You don’t owe him one. But if he asks just be vague and say that you are being untraditional this year. End of story. How do you allow yourself to be ok with being treated like this?
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
It’s just progressively gotten worse and once I remembered how bad he was last Xmas I panicked, and posted. I will not be spending Christmas with him anymore, since he got sick earlier this year he’s become more rude so I’m sure it’d be worse. I’ll try Thanksgiving ONE MORE TIME and seat him strategically... regardless, Christmas won’t be happening ever again.
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You cant change him but you can change YOU. Change the way you do thi GSM, manipulate his surroundings to manipulate his , change your attitude. It make a world of difference when you take control of the reactions of him and yourself. It literally is less work.
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Id tell him this year he is not invited, make other plans. He ruined the holidays last year. Maybe he can be left out on Thanksgiving, then given a reprieve for Xmas. If he complains, rushes you, or makes it horrible, he goes home immediately. End of story.
I had to do that with my mom for a few years. She learned, then she was good. Actually delightful. My sibling also reminded her. I think she didnt like being alone. You have to treat them like a kid. Being invited is a privilege not a given. Good luck. No one likes their holiday ruined.
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Unfortunately, we also have this. I appreciate reading these responses. My husband is the grump. He absolutely won’t speak to anyone, and for last two years I’ve gone to daughters home this year a lot is going on and she asked me to have it here. I’m dreading how to keep him being nice. In the past, it’s been horribly awkward and I’m surprised they’ll even come back. No discussing no begging changes it.
Wish there was a casino. Lol.
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my2cents Nov 2019
Sad that your husband has to act like that, but if daughter asked you to have it at your house, she has learned to move on around his behavior. Don't worry yourself with making him be nice because you really can't. He's going to do what he's going to do. If there is a way to move most of your visiting to a room away from him, move if he starts acting badly. I think every family has that one person who has to show their ass during family events - so just be sure it's their ass that was shining and not your own by refusing to engage in the nastiness.
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Why not do a little dinner for him and your family a week or so before Christmas. Get some sort of small gift for him, eat together, and take him back home. If he asks about Christmas day, remind him about last year (without being confrontational) that it didn't seem he had that great of a time because you had to rush so much to get it all together and you thought the calmer, more personal setting, would be better for both of you to enjoy a Christmas meal. Cook some of his favorites - doesn't have to be a huge Christmas meal. Use small cornish hen instead of a huge turkey, etc.
You won't have to fib, which could come back and haunt you later, it won't ruin a day for others, and he had the opportunity to celebrate with his family. Wrap up leftovers he could eat on the real holiday - or the gift to him could be a restaurant or cafeteria coupon to use on Christmas day - or a bus ticket to go gamble for the day. Minimal complaining for him/embarrassment to you, no guilt for snubbing him during the holiday, everyone has a better day on Christmas
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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2019
1 cornish game hen. Only one and get those single servings pies and get only one. Then cut everything up and share.

Christmas miniatures! The new tradition.

Sorry, I could just see this tiny table with a whole miniature dinner. I think that would be fun.
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There would be no way I would take any chances of having him back over and being on pins and needles to see if he decides to act up and ruin the day, NO WAY. I would simply let him know in advance you're having a different kind of untraditional holiday & not having a house full of people over, so he can make other plans for the day but you can drop off a plate of food or some pie in the evening if he'd like. Less details the better, coming over is not his entitlement or even owed an explanation. Feel no guilt & enjoy your company with people who appreciate your hospitality. Happy holidays.
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My God....this man does NOT deserve to be included in anything with you people and YOU do NOT deserve this. If you can't be tough enough to NOT invite him, then you are cooked. Tell him you are visiting friends outside of the state, they invited you and you are going. Offer to bring him a good meal the day afterwards but do NOT let this man come near you to destroy your time. He is not worth it. He should be on his own and lie in the bed he makes. You must be tough.
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If he doesn't appreciate your kindness and he is nasty about it, then have yourself a merry little christmas without him. And don't feel bad about it.
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Definitely no, plan a daytrip if nothing else to keep it honest...but no.
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If you feel you must invite him to Thanksgiving this year, I suggest you play it by ear. If he starts calling you and ranting about having to wait to be picked up, I'd say "Sorry, I changed my mind. Thanksgiving is off." And stick to it. If you pick him up and he is in a foul mood, walk away and leave him at home. If he waits to misbehave after you take him to your home, take him right back home or call a Taxi to take him home. No one should be held to a deathbed promise. No one. You tried, but he messed it up. No guilt.
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My feeling to handle this would be....#1 Do not argue with him or bring up past issues. He will not change, be it old age or always getting his way. Save your breath and nerves. I have gone through similar with a parent all my life. I would only visit him at his home, for a short visit. I would drop off a holiday meal for him, maybe the day prior, be it home made or take out. Serve it to him even if you will not be partaking in it or sit down and enjoy it with him. Only happy talk! Don't let anything else come into the day. And be on your way with a smile.
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He's probably telling his friends at the casino,
"Ugh. The holidays are coming up and I am dreading the heck out of it. My Goddaughter is probably gonna try to drag me out to someone's house again because she feels guilty and worried that I will be alone. I'd rather spend my day here gambling!"
:-)

Do not invite him. Take him a plate of food.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
xenajada you could be right. It’s doesn’t seem the case but things change as I’ve learned here. He and his wife never had children, she was a mail order bride sent back to Japan because she was infertile. They had a long life of travel, entertaining guests, and enjoyed gambling. Perhaps children get under his skin now? The sound of laughter and excitement may envoke feelings I’m not aware of.
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I agree with the advice of others. Go visit him on the Eve of the day (Thanksgiving AND Christmas). Take him some kind of meal and a card or small gift. Say that this year you are only celebrating "low key" and not having anyone in. Holidays are "just a day" but they are important memories for your mutual children, no matter how old they are. Maybe look into whether there are any senior center activities on that day or in some area near by. Or maybe your gift could be to pay for him to Uber to another friend's home who may also be alone. But don't ruin your day for him. It's not mean. It's protecting the kids.
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Hello PowerOf3,
You've gotten many great answers. But the one that resonates is from "my2cents".
From what you described, he didn't enjoy himself and thus, it seemed, needed to bring others to his level of misery. What a good idea to have a small, "special" meal, and even go so far as to accommodate his actual holiday with a gift certificate. Well, I don't need to recap m2c's answer, as he/she is clearly a diplomatic genius.
I wish you well.
R27
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If there is no genuine diagnosed medical reason for this person's bad manners (ie dementia), I would use tough love. I would remind him how unhappy he was at the last family function, that you have heard about a community event or events that would seem to be more suited to his age group, pay for the events including community transport there and back. He may well find some soul mates with similar grievances, they will have a great time complaining together. They may even end up friends. If he does not attend, it is no different to you giving him a heap of parcels he does not appreciate nor use.
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Let him be by himself.
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For years our family put up with my mom's alcoholism and the resulting bad behavior. It was the proverbial elephant in the living room. After she died of a stroke related to her drinking, I resolved never to be silent on such family issues ever again. Consequently, we stopped allowing my bullying father-in-law to visit and we no longer visited him.

My advice is to confront this man before the holidays arrive. Tell him in no uncertain terms that if he is either going to be civil and kind, or he is no longer welcome in your home. If he agrees to that, but then reverts to form, tell him you are done and you will no longer have any contact with him. Alternatively, you could cut off all contact with him now, and be perfectly at peace. Do not let anyone abuse you and your family this way! I learned the hard way after our entire family pretended my mom was not a mean drunk. It's not worth it. The worst that could happen is that he gets angry. Bullies use anger to control people. Let him be angry with somebody else.
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Talk with your girlfriend about what would make the holidays wonderful for your little family; it probably doesn't include a whiny godfather to contend with all day.

Since he is mobile and able; make a trip to see him separately (maybe in his place before or after each holiday) as you can afford. Make it a no gifts, no meal visit and make it short. Enjoy some conversation and maybe some cookies and drinks and call it a done deal. If he complains that you don't spend the holidays with him, then explain that you don't have the finances or the time to deal with a bigger get together.
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You sound like you already made up your mind. If you had a close bond, I would say never abandon family. But destructive or abusive relationships can arise between parent and child. If it messed you up, do your kids a favor and don’t expose them to him. You have a responsibility to yourself.

As for telling him WHY you can’t be together at the holiday, of course not! That’s cruel. You absolutely lie. I’m against lying in general, but at that age, he’s not going to grow or change. Send him a dinner, don’t explain yourself beyond “there’s always next year” and make some happy memories.
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Take him some food and a small gift and leave. At least you won't be playing his game, but you don't have to take his rudeness.
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Do what I did a few years back. I quit doing holidays for everyone but my immediate family. Just quit!

You are not mean! Your children and girlfriend matter the most to you. They will be grateful to you.

You don’t owe him anything. I’m sorry but he is rude.

I cooked for three days before the holidays. My house was sparkling clean. My family would gobble up my food. When my brother was about to leave he would turn to my husband and thank him for the dinner and not one word to me.

My husband would tell him that I cooked everything and to thank me. It would ‘pain’ him to show any gratitude whatsoever to me. So, it started to ‘pain’ me to cook for ungrateful idiots! My husband and kids were relieved.

My mother lived with us. She thought I was awful. Too bad. Why torture yourself? Holidays were not made to be tortured.

Last I checked Thanksgiving was about giving thanks. Are you thankful for that kind of behavior? Nope! So eliminate it. Last I heard Christmas was about the birth of Jesus. It’s not about being annoyed!

Start a new tradition! Bring him a small dinner the day before, if you like. Doesn’t even have to be homemade. There are plenty of places that you can pick up a ready cooked meal. He will never know the difference!
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Beatty Nov 2019
Just quit. Love it!

You'd like my Aunt...

A family member (plus his tribe) kept insisting they would visit her. Expected to stay & be cooked for. She had said no.

So she went on a cruise for Christmas.
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Just be upfront and tell him how you feel. Tell him that the things he does really brings you down. Then let him know that if he continues, you will not spend Christmas with him. It's okay to tell him since he is still in his right m mind. If he continues to be rude, don't pick him up for Christmas so he knows that you warned him. He may apologize and be nicer to everyone.
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Why can’t there be a ‘drop off’ spot for all of the crazy relatives for the holidays? LOL. Kind of like boarding for dogs and cats.

My BIL used to get a kick out of my husband’s crazy grandma. She would say the craziest things!

My BIL didn’t live here. He moved to San Francisco for college and stayed there.

When he would visit he would sit next to me and whisper the funniest stuff in my ear. Sure, he didn’t have to put up with her crap year round like the rest of us, but he was pretty funny. He always said, “This is free entertainment. I could use this stuff to do a stand up comedy routine!”

I would tell him to work on his timing and then invite me to the show! Hahaha

We would crack up! Of course, we couldn’t tell my MIL what we were laughing at because she was so embarrassed by her mother’s behavior.

The woman couldn’t get through an evening without discussing her bowel movements. Geeeeez, slowly but surely, everyone would lose their appetite!
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Beatty Nov 2019
He he :)

My DH's Uncle was also a scream... He would gather all for a speech & toast & then swear until the older aunts & grandmas left the room - he just loved to make a scene! He would swear in front of the kids too - my son had never heard the c-word until he met this *gentleman*. Downed his cancer & pain meds in a saucer of gin chased by a bottle of wine last year. So no swearing like that will be heard now.
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If you break the long held habit this year, you can set a new tradition & be free in the future. Could you tell him you are going out, going away, whatever, just not doing a big thing at your house.

I like that suggestion of delivering him a plate the day before - still caring & respectful but a separate visit. Even go out if you want. Then relax & enjoy your family your way.

Each holiday repeat.

I had to separate out my family from DHs family years & years ago. Now attempting to separate my parents/siblings from my DH & children so I can have some time to enjoy my little family while not being on elder/disability care duties the whole time.

Last year after cooking & bringing all the food, wheeling them around, setting them up, filling their plates etc I just sat down & raised the first forkful to my mouth. Fork mid air Sis says "I need to go to the toilet". No-one moved. No other able body even looked up, just kept eating. Resentment is building again thinking of it. Family slave quit right then.

Having my own Christmas this year.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
Good for you, smart lady!
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Why does he have to sit at home alone?  He volunteers at the VA hospital so why doesn't he help them out on holidays?  And the residents are closer to his own age, right?  Probably have much more in common. If I were you I'd just go ahead and have the holidays with my preferred family and if he asks why, just tell him what you told this forum.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
That’s out after today... see my most recent posting here.
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-SOMEONE POSTED REGARDING VA POLICE CAN HANDLE HIM so he could spend holidays there since he’s not THAT bad- AND TODAY ...It got worse much worse😭😭😭😭😭 VA Volunteer Director called me as last resort to take godfathers access pass or he'll be met with resistance by VA police for trespassing starting tomorrow morning at the hospital. They've told him for a year he needs a different position outside ER but he keeps showing up😧 and he’s in much poorer slower condition now. They tried giving him easy slower positions though still dealing with the public but he doesn't want it so he's been ignoring them all this time, as of tomorrow he'll be removed by force. Drs and nurses have been complaining for a year that he’s in the way, not fit to move fast enough to work in Emergency Room atmosphere and he’s got a cane or walker now so they cannot get to patients quickly when he’s there 🤬 omg, he's arguing, lying to my face, dismissive, and saying they’re lying and only “mentioned it twice” but the Head of ER AND Volunteer Coordinator sat down just this morning (5th official time) and he refused to give up his access pass! I had to physically take his pass and relinquish it at hospital just now. I think something very bad is coming on 😢
Id hoped it was just me he was dismissive towards, ignored or was rude to, i even wanted to lol the comment about VA police but here we are, no consideration for people who need emergency care or the professionals trying to help the patients, he’s a liability. This is it. He told PCP he was great and back to 40 hr week so she excused his geriatric neurologist appt. I’m hitting her office so hard tomorrow it’s gonna make my own head spin! The show has just begun ladies and gentlemen!
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
That was a lie too, he’s cancelled all appts. I found out this morning
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Needhelpwithmom, I agree with you!! A few years ago we quit going to our brother n laws house. Too much dysfunction. Who needs it? We just quit going. I told them ahead of time. That’s it. No fuss no muss. You don’t owe anybody anything!! I’m talking about Christmas Eve, but this can be done for ANY holiday. Just quit!!!
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
That’s right, Elaine! Good for you! It’s liberating. Why add to our stress? I wish I had done it much sooner.
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I would let him sit at home alone. That probably sounds harsh but I have had many a special occasion ruined by a pouty so and so and refuse to tolerate it anymore.

People who are pouty, high maintenance, and ungrateful deserve to be ignored in my opinion. Especially if it's not even due to a medical condition. Stop at Macdonald's, pick him up a big mac and throw it at the door.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
Gershun,

Okay, you have me cracking up with the Big Mac remark! Shame on you! Hahaha. Thanks for the giggle 🤣
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