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Recap: 91 yrs old, recovered from knee replacement and subsequent MRSA and sepsis. Still no diagnosis of dementia or onset, lives alone and he’s back volunteering 40 hrs a week at VA hospital and his weekly bus trip to gamble (not an addiction but a pastime he can afford and enjoys greatly) I see a difference in his behavior/personality but it’s chalked up as age appropriate so far.
Last year was THE WORST so I’m really dreading this year. I have 1 son and my girlfriend has 1 daughter so we spend holidays together because our families are out of town or estranged. I always invite him over, take him with us, but he’s been wrecking it. Last Christmas I was sick, had very little money but still managed. Cooked Italian food for 3 days, Christmas morning I’m wrapping the few presents and packing everything up and called told him I’d be later than noon to pick him up. (My friend was hosting since she decorated and I didn’t cuz I was sick mid December so I did food) she knew he preferred white meat so she spent her food stamps and cooked all day Xmas eve so he had a completely different meal to cater to his preference, NOT a dietary need. He started calling me at 12:15 every 15 minutes with snarky messages. I just couldn’t wrap, finish cooking, shower, and pack up everything fast enough for him! Upon our arrival when I saw she cooked an entire day/meal I told him how wonderful and how special he is treated and he just sat there pouting that he had waited for me to pick him up. We put on sports channel got him situated on couch and proceeded to get dinner together, 2 different dinners. He bitched, pouted, and was so rude and unappreciative I was so embarrassed, ashamed of him and angry I couldn’t see straight. I couldn’t get him fed, throw presents at our children and leave her home fast enough. He offered no gifts or even cash or cards to our children, he always carries over $500 on him, he has plenty of money and he’s completely mobile. SHE SPENT HER KIDS FOOD STAMPS JUST TO FEED THE MAN!!!!!
I’m dreading both Thanksgiving and Christmas and that’s not fair when he would otherwise sit home alone instead of being catered to, fed, and a pile of presents knee high (we try so hard to pull off holidays with meager means but we do it every time). I thought about fibbing that we’d be spending Xmas out of state with family, it seems so mean though. Do I let him ruin both holidays again or let him sit home alone?

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Ah--the dreaded holidays!

Take a year off. Call him and say you're sorry but you aren't going to 'observe' Christmas or Thanksgiving this year, or you're leaving town. Make up some fib and let him rant, rave and be a pill.

It won't kill him to sit home alone. As long as you all cater to him, the more he'll expect it.

My MIL would come to our house, stay a half hour and demand to be chauffered back home. DH would have already picked her up, but he would accede to her wishes and take her home. He's miss out on pretty much the whole day. Finally I put MY foot down and told her "we get together at 11. We will open gifts after brunch. Then, NO SOONER THAN 2 pm will DH leave HIS family to run you home. That's the way it's going to be."

Well, of course I was the bad guy and DH got angry with me and I said he could then spend the day with her, and I'd get the grandkids.

Probably wouldn't make any difference, but you could tell this sponge that your friend used her FOOD STAMPS to make a meal for HIM. He probably can't 'contribute' to a meal but he could slip you $200 to help out.

People treat us the way we let them treat us. I know that's easily said and hard to do.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
Thank you for your response, I’m in hopes you don’t have to spend your holidays without DH, do you? I agree about the meal and contributing, he gambles $500 per trip and has pension, retirement, and social security incomes. He is Japanese so I tend to deem certain behaviors as cultural, like waiting till he takes a bite of food to start talking and spitting his food on my plate🤢
I worry what if it’s his last Christmas? Plus I’m over here giving other people advice I cannot follow🥴 then my little voice says WHY SHOULD HE RUIN IT EVEN IF ITS HIS LAST???
I guess a bigger concern is my son isn’t going to be a child who gets excited about Xmas much longer! Why should I isolate my son and myself to spend a thankless holiday with a crotchety ungrateful terd?
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I vote for canceling the holidays this year and letting the old fart fend for himself 100%. He can easily go hang out at the VA hospital or ride the bus to go gamble, which he enjoys so much. Betcha dollars to donuts he doesn't treat THOSE people like the garbage he treats his own family. Let THEM deal with him, you've done enough.

ENJOY the holidays this year, you deserve to!
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
You’re always a realistic, and I’ve decided it’s best for ME to not spend Christmas with him in exchange he can eat here for thanksgiving (seated strategically of course) is facing the wall rude? HAHAHAAAA
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Why are you catering to this man? My former step dad decided he was going to watch hockey playoffs on my aunt's TV at a surprise party for me.

1 He did not even ask if he could turn on their TV.
2 He was incredibly rude about it. Said he wanted to watch the game.

I told him he was either turning off the TV or leaving. I was not putting up with his behaviour. He reluctantly turned off the TV.

You tell your godfather that based on his behaviour last year, he is not invited to spend the holidays with you. Period.

I do not understand why someone who is on food stamps would put their children's nutrition after that of a man who can afford to go to the casino?
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
she and I have done most holidays in the past, she is a bleeding heart and was sharing the holiday spirit and it was out of the kindness. She didn’t know I did not approve and saw I was ashamed of his lack of regard. I’m sparing everyone Xmas this year!
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I, too, often feel I give advice then can't look at my own problems with any kind of dispassion.

HE SPITS FOOD ON YOUR PLATE????????? WTH?? This would last ONE meal at my house and he'd be history.

So what if it's his last Christmas? I'm praying it's my MIL's last one. You know what she gave all the adults for a gift last year? A $100 bill in an envelope. You know what she gave me? NOTHING. An empty envelope.

Pretty much sums up our relationship. Dh was there when I opened it, and a neighbor, so I had WITNESSES.

Tell this old junker you will be unavailable over the holidays, blacklist his number and enjoy being with people you care about. (You know, just because he calls, you don't have to answer. Just sayin')
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JoAnn29 Nov 2019
🙁Been there. Its so embarrassing. My SIL was about 15 yrs younger than me so thart may be the problem. She was always nice to me but there was something "off". Over a period of time, my family was kind of "forgotten". One Xmas, after my Dad died, we drove Mom over for Xmas dinner. Mom had been showing signs of Dementia. She and DH were in the family rm watching a ball game. I was in the kitchen with the ladies and my SIL started passing out gifts. A purse to her Stepmom, giftcard to her Dad, something to her best friend, sister and great niece and nephew. Nope, nothing to me, not even a box of candy. Her SM was a nice lady and just gave me a look like sympathetic and couldn't believe it. I never understood what I or my family never did to deserve this. They r now divorced so don't have to worry about it.
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Can you actually spend Christmas out of town?
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
Working on it now! Trust me!
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I'm hoping "spitting his food on my plate" is a typo for "splitting his food on my plate". The image of this guy literally spitting at you is pretty horrific!

Where I live there are many people of Japanese ancestry around, including one extended family I know fairly well. They are some of the most courteous people you could ever meet! As far as "culture" influences how members of a particular ethnic group behave, Japanese culture here in America at least as I have observed it is very polite. Don't let "is it a cultural thing?" sidetrack you from seeing his behavior for what it is. If it helps, imagine some plain ol' white guy behaving as he does.

Also, Christmas for me is primarily a religious holiday celebrating religious concepts, but beyond that Christmas should be for kids! Not self-centered elderly people who can't behave. I vote for putting the kids' enjoyment of Christmas first.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
Thank you for your vote. No you didn’t read it wrong, he literally starts conversing AFTER he puts a bite in his mouth. The spitting is him talking and chewing at the same time:( ok so it’s NOT cultural. Well isn’t this a sh*tshow of excuses I’ve made for him🥴 I was hoping that “culturally” he wouldn’t mind spending it alone but I don’t need anymore excuses.
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Well, neither letting him ruin the holidays with his gracelessness nor leaving him home alone seems ideal.

What about talking to him man to man and saying "listen up. We would love to have you, but - " and frankly explaining that if he won't throw himself into the spirit of the occasion you see little point in ruining everybody's time together.

Or, do that, but also consider Thanksgiving a test. If he plays up, then at Christmas plan to see him and give him his share of Christmas cheer, but don't inflict him on the family. Perhaps there are churches or retirement communities he could spend the actual holiday with, instead?
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
CM, I’m going to give in for Thanksgiving but not Christmas. I split no hairs about his rudeness last year when we left. So he’s already knows how inconsiderate he was, I was quite clear the whole 30 minute drive home. That is the memory that struck the fear in me as I see Thanksgiving decor all around... and why I posted, sheer dread washed over me😢. I’ll sacrifice TG and not Xmas. If he’s intolerable on TG I’ll make personal plans with him in the future perhaps lunch the day before AT A RESTAURANT I think is best. Christmas I refuse to give up, he’s had 91 of them, my son and her daughter have not!
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i agree with the advice to have a man to man talk with him. And if he’s not receptive to what you tell him & wont agree to behave himself, I wouldn’t invite him to spend the holidays with you. Doesn’t matter if it’s his last Christmas either. That doesn’t give him the right to behave the way you described and treat you badly.

I’ll tell you this. I did not host thanksgiving for family 2 years ago when we knew it would be my MILs last thanksgiving and I don’t feel guilty at all. No one behaves likes your Godfather (thank God). But no one every helps out, no offers to come over early to help cook or get the house ready and no one ever helps me to clean up afterward. The most I get is my SIL asking if I need her to bring anything, the NIGHT BEFORE after I’ve already done all the shopping! We had a nice thanksgiving at home with my parents and my husbands best friend and I don’t have a single regret. I did welcome my MIL to join us but she declined. We did not invite the rest of the family and again....zero regrets.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
I will hold my ground and I give you my word I’m not going to feel guilty, thank you. It’s my son’s Xmas not his, he’s had 91 of them. It was me and Natalie being kind to a lonely old man with no family or friends but it’s got to a point that he ruins it for more than me?, then that’s not fair to my or our children.
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i block my moms calls she can only call me 1 daily ... set up some boundaries he's manipulating you. if the va can handle him without calling security he's not "that" bad. learn about boundaries on the internet set up rules & abide he wont be able to ruin your holidays. give him his own seat & things to do to keep him busy & warn him 3 strikes he's out
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Where does it say SPITTING HIS FOOD ON MY PLATE???? I keep looking for that but I don't see it on here anywhere?? I must have missed something!! Anyway, let him be by himself for the holidays!! Don't let him ruin yours or your familys. My Mother always ruined Christmas Eve for me every single year that I was growing up!! My brother was alot older than me and he didn't even come home for Christmas or Christmas eve. So it was just me, my mother and father. Every year, my father would come home drunk and my mother would scream obscenities at him all friggin night long. No thanks, when I grew up, I did not have them over for Christmas eve. Forget that!!
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Sendhelp Nov 2019
People have misinterpreted:
like waiting till he takes a bite of food to start talking and spitting his food on my plate🤢
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Perhaps he is deeply disturbed about something which he is not revealing to you ? Which may be the true cause of his aggression ? Perhaps celebrations and merry-making are beyond his CAPACITY to handle ? Perhaps you could gently explain this to that lady (who used her kids' food stamps) ? Perhaps Old people NEED peace and quiet ? I know YOU (and her) have GOOD INTENT. Perhaps sumptuous meals are NOT what he NEEDS ? Old people have totally different SENSORY PERCEPTIONS than us (hearing, sight, touch, taste, smell). Perhaps what is enjoyable for us may be unbearably repulsive for him ?
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worriedinCali Nov 2019
there is no excuse for his behavior. If he has a problem, if he is deeply disturbed he doesn’t get a free pass to spit on people’s food and abuse them!
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She shouldn't have to spend money that she doesn't have on the guy because he's picky about food. He has to learn to enjoy the holidays for what it is: A celebration of family and life. He is ruining it for others by being nasty and rude. If he can't behave around people, then you don't have to invite him to your gatherings. Have the talk with him; if he can't agree to the rules of holiday gatherings, then say "I am sorry but we can't invite you to this gathering. Your rudeness and nastiness hurts our feelings and ruins the holiday for the kids. " You have my sympathies: My mom's ex husband hated Christmas and went as far as to threaten to take away Christmas from me if I misbehaved.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
That’s sad for children 😢 I’m sorry that was allowed to happen. Unfortunately we are past sitting down and placing rules. It’s how he is he’s not going to change (I realize now as well as probably getting worse as he ages) so I will change! Changed my damn mind about letting him ruin another Xmas. I don’t see that our kindness of opening our homes and including him makes a difference so I won’t be rude but he won’t be attending anymore Christmas’s. Thank you and again I’m sorry your Christmas was threatened as a child, so cruel 😢
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Dear godfather, since you don't appreciate the effort made on your behalf enough to behave civilized, I have decided that you should spend the holidays wherever you want, except with me and my family and friends. I refuse to subject them to your rude, inconsiderate behavior one more time.

Happy holidays.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
On the Christmas card? Or no...too much? Lol. I don’t know what I would do without you people here🙏
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Yes, tell him you would like him to have dinner with you, but there can be no repeat performances like in past years. His disregard for other people was atrocious. I would tell him your friend went out of her way to make sure he had a nice meal and used her food stamps to make it so. For me, this man would never enter my house again. Unless he has Dementia his actions were uncalled for.

Are you still friends with this woman. If so, ask if she would mind having dinner again and this time u will provide the food. Ask if it can be at her house. This way u can tell Godfather, sorry we have been invited to, lets say Shirley's house, and after last year, I can't in my right mind ask if u can come.

I think the name Godfather has lost its meaning. Has nothing to do with taking on the responsibility of raising a child if something should happen to the parents. It means that the person picked by the parents to be a God parent is to make sure the child is raised in the religion of the parents if for some reason they can't. Godparents are usually in the child's life as they grow up. They acknowledge birthdays and holidays. Are there for first Communion, Confirmation, graduations and weddings. Has this man done this for you? If not, I wouldn't call him a Godfather.

My DH had an Aunt, by marriage, who was invited to TG dinner at my in-laws. There was maybe 6 or 8 of us. My MIL put on a great meal. After we were done, the Aunt got up and went to the bathroom, which was right off the dining room, and threw up what she had eaten. We could hear her. She then came back and said "lets have dessert". I told my DH not to expect me to go to another dinner where the Aunt was present. Seems my MIL was not happy with her either because the next year Aunt wasn't invited.

As suggested, try TG but give him a warning. If he tries his stuff, tell him time to go. Japanese are big on respect, tell him its the last time he will disrespect u. Even if TG works out, I would just do Christmas with ur GF. And, you should tell him ahead that this year you have agreed to spend Christmas with each other and the kids. So, he will need to make other plans.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
It would be more simple to blame it on her and not inviting him but I’m kinda past that part. He obviously got 30 minutes of how ashamed I was for him treating her that way and wrecking things for the kids last year. No more chances, he’s not going to change.
It sounds like your Aunt has that binge and purge disorder? Some people consider leftovers a real treat so I’m glad your family doesn’t invite her, that’s rude to the person cooking and especially foul when you all heard it from the table... yikes
id take my pie to the front porch lol
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Don't include him. You do not need to let him ruin your holidays. He won't like it but TOO BAD.

You and your family and friends deserve better.
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I would try Thanksgiving. Cook nothing special just for him. The minute he makes a fuss and you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed, call him on his behavior. If he does not immediately cut it out, back in the car and home he would go. And that will answer your question about Christmas. Don’t tolerate him ruining the holidays. Only you can ALLOW it. Some people just need to be called on their bad behavior. Good luck.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
That’s my plan, Thanksgiving I’ll let him come over, Christmas no! He comprehended my being repulsed last year so this will be his last thanksgiving as well if he so much as scowls.
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If Christmas and Thanksgiving are meaningful holidays for you, don't allow other family members to ruin them for you. You have every right to spend the holiday with or without anyone you choose. The first year you establish a new "routine" for the holidays is the hardest; after that it is much easier. "We are going out of town for Christmas," if need be to get you started with the separation. If you feel that you must, invite him over for lunch a week or two beforehand to "celebrate" early since you will be "out of town."
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
I don’t have him over my home casually, just these 2 holidays unless we go to her place. That’s it. But we’re having a new tradition called “rude ungrateful people can be alone” this year.
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Let him sit at home alone.
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He is 91 and some of his behavior is probably due to his aged filters being broken. Nonetheless, you don't need to feel responsible or guilty about entertaining him. I agree with others who suggest taking him out to lunch or taking a meal to him prior to the holiday and explaining that you won't be able to get together on the actual holiday. You don't need to explain why or that this is how it will be for the next holiday and all the following ones. But if he does ask, then you can choose to tell him how his behavior last holiday was inappropriate and Scrooge-ish.
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Let him sit home alone! Your only young once!
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As someone who determines eligibility for food stamps I can tell you it is inappropriate (illegal) to use them for anyone other than the people on the food stamp case....so it's also not appropriate to complain that someone didn't appreciate this effort to use the children's food money on them.
With all the complaints about the guest, don't invite him this year.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
Ok I didn’t see that coming! Thank you, and I reimbursed her as well!
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He's a grumpy old man. He's been rude & ungrateful in the past. That makes you feel uncomfortable/embarresed/angry.

Invite him - he will be himself - you know what he's like - what you're in for. It's only a few days.

Or if you think it's too much to put up with - cancel on him. Just sorry, going elsewhere this year.

Either way, you can decide that his behaviour, rude or not is his & has no influence on your day. "Oh him, yes he's like that".
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Sometimes we allow ourselves to get trapped by all the hype that surrounds the holidays - have you ever considered that maybe he also feels pressured to attend these family gatherings (from social expectations or perhaps a sense of duty to you) and would really much rather sit home alone? If you put it to him that he doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with your family and that you have decided you'll take him out for lunch another day, just the two of you, what do you think his reaction would be?
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
I said previously I don’t consider myself to force holidays on him. He normally drives over on these holidays (or I pickup if her house) I mean he asks what I’m doing weeks prior so he’s been invited for a decade or so since his wife passed and always attends.
It was indeed brought to my attention that could be the case as I read the responses... Perhaps he doesn’t enjoy them.
Regardless... we’re “not celebrating in town this year” so He has enough time to make arrangements at the casino, he definitely enjoys that place.
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Um...No.
Don't invite him.
If you want to do something nice, drop off a plate to him that evening.
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Make a plate and drop it off for him later, leave it at that. Why ruin everyone elses Holiday because of him, make no sense to me.
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With a big effort, one could take him breakfast that morning, so he is not last.
One could go out with him alone, the day before for a Turkey lunch or dinner...to Dennys or another coffee shop. Sit far enough away that his spit does not reach your plate, or put up a barrier to protect your plate.

Or, drop off a special lunch before you go where you are going.

If one is having dinner at the home of a food stamps recipient, instead of bringing a completely different meal to her dinner, give her a grocery gift card
in advance so she can prepare. Then ask if she would like you to bring something for dessert, and what would that be?
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There are Churches and other organizations that make meals for people who are homeless or/and alone. Compile a list and give it to him.

I feel for him, but he should appreciate that someone opens their home to him. Cudos to u for telling him how you felt last year. Stick by ur guns. He has made his bed. He either changes or remains on his own.
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IF you decide to invite him can you set "ground rules"
First being that he will be picked up at...and not to call, you will have your phone off and will not answer.
Second. If at ANY time he is rude or complains you will take him home. At the first rude or mean comment you get your coat, get his and drive him home. You can then return to your gathering. (If you don't want to do that then call a Cab, they can take him)
If he does not agree to any of this then he is not welcome and he can enjoy his holiday at the VA helping to serve Veterans and Active Service men and women that can not get home.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
Theres no “setting rules” with him. He’s old and stubborn and healthy enough so I’m not giving him the children’s holiday! Honestly I don’t owe him anything. It’s a time for sharing and caring and cheer so since he’s not THAT way, he’s not coming. If he was nonchalant or quiet about things I could tolerate him no problem but to demean people and ruin an entire holiday when he’s had 91 of them? No and No!
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First off...WOW! 90 years old, driving, volunteering, casinos...this man sounds healthy unlike everyone elses' LO they are caring for. Exclude him this year and after holidays, take him a plate of food and a present. Tell him exactly why you are not inviting him this tear. Be blunt if necessary and hopefully he will get the message. He's very independent and will figure out another way to spend the holidays.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
Essie that’s my intention to a T. I’ll remind him of last year and give him gifts at a restaurant a day or 2 before. And for crying out loud yessss, crazy healthy 91 yr old. After being on this forum here since he got sick, I dread so much more what this looks like in the future. He does have LTC though(even though he didn’t want me to know that) I’ve gotten so much help and sound advice I’m so grateful I’d rather have ALL YOU for Thanksgiving truth be told. Lotta work but what a grand time we’d all have!
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Seriously give up on doing this for him, at best he is unaware of the efforts that you are obviously making ( either intentionally hes doing this or unintentionally due to some sort of disease process - despite any non diagnosis yet ). Either way the man is not there , not present and not what you want or need. Give yourself a break go somewhere for you leave him with his own tv and sports channel and a pre-prepared xmas meal of sorts. Sorry if this sounds heartless but I just cant stand the sulky pouty childish behaviour that often accompanies our aged loved ones. Either way he is either oblivious to what he is doing or is being a royal ungreatful so and so!
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jacobsonbob Nov 2019
As a few other comments have suggested, maybe he would be happier going to the casino or wherever for holidays. Not everyone "gets into" Thanksgiving and Christmas.
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