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Hi all, new to forum- I have a unique situation in that my father is elderly, but my mother is not, and dad is alone. Many of my friends don't understand because their parents aren't elderly, so I am seeking advice here.


My father married late in life to my mother, who is nearly 25 years younger. I am their only child, and they split when I was a teen. The divorce left me traumatized and depressed. Against my mother's wishes, I chose to live with my dad. Soon after my mom moved out, I began to understand why she had a hard time getting along with my dad. He can be very controlling and occasionally meets the criteria of emotional abuse. He has anxiety, especially when things don't go the way he pictured.


I'm similar to him in that I'm prone to anxiety and depression, with perfectionist tendencies. Our similar personalities can cause problems, especially when we have differing opinions. Overall, he loves me unconditionally and has devoted the last 30 years since I was born to making sure that I am set up well for the future. He took on the role of mother and father when I pushed my mom away. As a teen, I struggled with him greatly due to our differing opinions, but I have grown to understand him and truly believe that he means well and just lets his emotions get the best of him at times. He has always been there for me. I love him deeply.


I got married 6 years ago and moved out of state. My dad and I have maintained our close relationship over the phone every day. We do occasionally argue, but that is generally when one of us is under stress. I feel like our relationship has strengthened since I moved, partially because I have matured into an adult, but it could also be because we aren't living under the same roof.


Now that my husband and I have a baby, we feel inclined to move back to our hometown. All of our family and many friends still live there. We have no help with the baby here, and my husband works a lot. I'm currently unemployed, and since our baby isn't yet in school, the timing feels right for a move. My dad has offered for us to move into my childhood home. It is twice as big as our current home, and the mortgage is paid off. Financially, this seems like a great idea; the catch is that my dad would be living downstairs. I assume that the changes would be difficult for him but easier than moving him to another home or city. I like the idea that I could be there to help him (and he could help me while he's still in good health). I fear that he can't care for his large house much longer, and (selfishly) I know that I will be left to deal with the house when he's gone. His vision is poor, so it comforts me to know that I could be there for him. My husband is excited to be closer to his family again too, and giving our baby the opportunity to grow up near family is priceless. I'd like to think this could be a win-win for all; however, I have concerns about privacy/independence and my dad's controlling tendencies. I do think he would respect our privacy for the most part, but I don't want to isolate him in the basement. It is a finished basement with a full bathroom and mini kitchen, so he could stay there if we have guests and he doesn't wish to join the group, but I wouldn't expect him to stay down there 24/7. I want nothing more than to raise my child in a loving and happy home, and I know that we will have to move if things don't go well. I am scared to give up my husband's job and everything we have built for ourselves here, but I fear what will happen if we don't go back. My dad is 85, and I am his only surviving immediate family member. He has nobody except a couple of neighbors to check on him, and it isn't fair to expect them to do so. He doesn't want us to make our decision based on him and has been adamant that he wants us to do what will make us happy. I am very grateful for that. The rest of our family feels the same. I am torn and unsure what to do. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate any advice.

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So, when your dad starts to treat your child in an emotionally abusive manner, what will you do?

When your dad ( with controlling tendencies) tells you that you're spoiling your child, "this is how it's done, let me show you, I'll spank him for you", what will you do?

When dad develops dementia and becomes convinced you're freeloading no-goodniks and calls the cops to arrest you because you've broken into his house, what will you do?

These are all scenarios that have appeared on this forum.

If you'd always gotten along famously with your father, you wouldn't be seeking our advice.. I see red flags.

Moving in with your dad does not follow logically from " he's getting older, it's not fair to rely on neighbors".

If you are starting to think dad needs help, start by getting a professional " needs assessment" Find out what assistance is available in his community. Visit Independent Living facilities, Continuing Care Campuses, explore with him what choices are available near you and near him. Approach this in a planful, thoughtful way.

It will also give you the opportunity to see his ability to roll with the punches of the aging process. If his reaction to your suggestion that it might be a consideration for him to move to be near you is one of rage and vituperation, you'll have a pretty clear answer.
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WFW10312 Nov 2018
Thank you also for your advice regarding an eldercare attorney as well as nursing home expenses. That got my thoughts stirring, and I am taking notes.
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Thank you for your response. I greatly appreciate that you took the time to answer. I have thought about your questions. I am not concerned about my dad spanking my baby, as he never did that to me. He actually wasn't very good at disciplining me at all. Usually I learned my lesson after hearing a lecture for several hours. We have stayed with him for a couple of weeks at a time, and he hasn't once told us how to raise our child. He's actually been very supportive and doesn't want to do anything against my wishes (this was honestly shocking to me since I assumed that he'd be very opinionated). I'm optimistic that this would continue, but I also know that it COULD change if we are living with him.
The freeloading/dementia question is a valid concern, but this would be remedied in that he wants to add me to the deed, I already have power of attorney on all of his accounts, etc. He is currently sharp as a tack.
I understand the red flags. I will keep your comment in mind. We plan to do a trial run to see how things go over the holidays, as my baby and I will be staying with him for a few weeks. I'm hoping this will help us in our decision.
It is the complication of me attempting to make this work while raising my child and giving up what we have here, coupled with his personality that have left me seeking advice.
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BarbBrooklyn Nov 2018
I added some more to my response. Please consult with an eldercare attorney ( not just dad's attorney) before making any changes to the deed. It sounds as though Medicaid may never come into play, but it's always better to be prepared for worse case scenarios. My mom, with pretty substantial assets, spent 4 1/2 years in a NH at 12k per month. We didn't get to the point of needing Medicaid, but we were prepared for it.
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This answer is going to sound cold and mercenary and is therefore extremely embarrassing to me personally, as well as to you I don't doubt. But I am going to plough on with it, having thought about it pretending that I am your father (as I imagine him, based on your description).

I would sell my house, get myself established in a retirement community with continuing care services, and use the capital I had liquidated to support my daughter and her husband in relocating their home and career back to the town, probably through some sort of trust or loan, outright gifts being both financially problematic and morally questionable. I would seek the advice of a reputable lawyer with appropriate experience of elder care and estate planning on the best way to do this.

I can appreciate the difficulty of putting this proposal to your father. In fact, I can't think how you would. But on the other hand, if you research the sort of communities that might suit him, and if you further research the sort of legal services he will need, and if you suggest he talk it over with practical, professional people, I would expect them to guide him towards reaching this conclusion himself.

He is, isn't he, above all tidy in his thoughts and preferences. A plan that is predictable yet adaptable to contingencies should appeal to him - especially if it offers the right kind of practical support to the daughter he loves and will help bring her and her young family home.
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WFW10312 Nov 2018
Thank you for your input. He has mentioned that he would support our relocation; however, he doesn't seem interested in selling his house any time soon. It sounds like he wants to live there until he's no longer able to care for the house and/or himself. The house will eventually be mine, and I think he's afraid to let go of it because his dream is that I will move back into it one day. I will try to keep the lines of communication open to see if he is willing to consider other options. I do want him to be happy, safe, comfortable, and well taken care of, and I don't want to encourage him down a path that he doesn't want to go down. I like what you said about helping him reach his own conclusion. That way, whatever decision he makes will be what he feels comfortable with and not what he feels pressured to do.
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It seems to me that you have your mind pretty much made up about moving in with your dad. Sure you have some concerns, but it sounds like this is the way your going to go.

If you do decide that your going to move in with your dad than I would have some action plans in place if it should not work out.

As BarbBrooklyn stated talk to an Elder Lawyer, money doesn't seem to be an issue, but care for a LO can be expensive. Beside it would make sense to just make sure that all the paperwork is in order and what assets should be save, for example, the house you plan to share with dad.

Another plan I would have is if dad becomes incompetent how are you going to handle that? Dad gets dementia become mean abusive, when what? And if you think, "oh my dad wouldn't be that way". Let me tell you with dementia anything is possible. My mother who I lived with and who never said a bad word as I was growing up and not aware of, there are days she sounds like a truck driver (as the saying goes). She would never talk bad about people, and she in most parts was nice. Now she wants to fight over the dumbest things!
What if things don't work out living with dad, when what are you going to do?

You really should put action plan together for such cases.

We all want to think our parents love us and they won't do anything to hurt us. But the reality is people change especially if they get dementia. I am in no way implying that your dad doesn't love you, but again things happen.

You said something about helping dad with the house. What if you & you family moves in and you and your hubby wants to change somethings in the house and your dad says, "no"! I'm talking about like furniture. Or you want to fix something and dad says, "no"! When what?

This all may sound so small and impossible to you but I ensure you it does happen.

My BF & I moved in with my mother, and like you I thought hey the house is to big for her to take care of, it needed a little maintenance nothing to big, and because my parents lived in it for 50+ yrs it needed to be cleaned out. And like you thougt hey, the house is paid off which is a bonus.

My mother was all for this. I have moved in & out of this house more times than I can remember and never had any problems. Until this last time of moving in with her. My dad passed away 4 yrs ago so, it was just her. I have to say, "I have never seen this side of her that I have been seeing. All of a sudden she didn't want me to change anything or fix anything. My mother didn't always showed me love but we talked a lot on the phone before I moved in, now we barily say 2 words in a day. All the time that I had to move in she welcome me with open arms, but not this time. She wanted help to pay some bills but she didn't want nothing to be removed out of the house didn't matter if she didn't see it for 4 decades didn't matter if it was broken. What I didn't realize that she had dementia she was in early stages so she was able to hid it for a good year or so. Had I found this forum before hand I would have made a different decision.

I just want you to be aware of the possibility that it just might not workout as you planned and have another plan in place. Protect yourself and your family.

I wish you the best of luck!
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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2018
Good advise Shell, my grandmother that was prim and proper and as lovely as could be, beat up 6 nurses and talked like a sailor at sea (before woman pushed their way on board).

The changes that can happen are truly mind boggling and all the worst case scenarios should be considered and prepared for with an exit plan.

I think knowing what your deal breakers are up front is vitally important.
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I think you are going into it with an opened mind. I would make sure the lawyer you use knows Medicaid. Your Dad could live to be in his 90s with health problems you can't handle. Me, I wouldn't be joint owner. I would be owner with Dad having the right to live there till his death or illness is such he needs more care than u can give. Hopefully u won't need Medicaid in next 5 yrs.

I like that Dad will have an area to himself. To make this work, you all need to be on the same page. You have to respect his privacy, you yours. Agree he can eat dinner with you, lets say. But breakfast and lunch he is on his own. With a baby, you won't have much time to spend with Dad during the day and evenings are downtime. Boundries need to be set day one.

I see the advantages as maybe u not having to work so you can raise the baby. Dad being there to babysit if you need to run to the store or have dinner out with husband. Which by the way is a plus that husband wants to move home. But remember, there has to be some compromise here. Dad is giving you his home in return you owe him some "Dad" time. Let husband babysit while u and Dad have lunch out. Maybe make it a certain day a week, something for him to look forward to. If he makes a suggestion or advices, just say you'll think about it. He may be right.

You and hubby will need to understand by doing this, you need to work Dad into the equation. He may want to spend time with the baby or not. My Dad wasn't big on infants but loved toddlers. Its all going to take getting used to with some bumps but it may work. I know a man who is 99. Hard of hearing, a little slower but with it. He lives alone in his house with daughter next door. Of course she and her husband are retired.

Just remember COMPROMISE on both your parts.
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WFW10312 Nov 2018
Thank you for your positive outlook and insights. I agree about compromising and making sure everyone in the household is happy and getting quality time together.
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Okay, I kinda read between the lines that you are pretty set on doing this. That's okay but I have one thing to add.

My husband is the head of our home, he has worked to provide my every need, when I worked all my money was mine. This entitles him to being the head of the house. Enter dad, who is controlling, emotionally abusive and self-centered.

No way was my husband willing to submit to my dad, who figured he was the oldest man, thereby he was the head of the house. His needs, wants and desires trumped my husband, in his head mind you.

My husband could not stand by and watch my dad treat me as his woman, doing his bidding and putting my husband 2nd.

Emotional and psychological abuse is nothing to justify away, when people have those tendencies when they don't get their way you are asking for problems, none of us always get our own way.

We talked about all of this openly and it was a deal breaker. I wasn't going to emasculate my husband for my dad. Period. When I married, my husband became my priority over every one.

Just something to consider, since you say he is controlling, I can't see him stepping aside and letting your husband be head of house, especially since its dads house. Please talk to your husband about these potential issues before you move, he doesn't have a life time history and unconditional love to help him get through your dads personality.

Your child needs both parents, together and stable to grow healthy and secure, this means making your marriage a priority.
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WFW10312 Nov 2018
Thank you for sharing your experience. I guess that's something I hadn't really thought about. I had thought about my father and husband disagreeing, and I was concerned about how that would play out since my husband is pretty non-confrontational and tends to keep things to himself. I hadn't fully thought through the battle over who is the head of the home. That's very important to consider, and I absolutely want to put my husband first. You are spot on about the concern that my husband hasn't ever lived there and experienced my dad's personality day in and day out (we've stayed with him for a week or two at a time, but my dad can hold it together pretty well while my husband is around--I'm not sure what would happen if he got too comfortable with my husband being there), nor does he share my dad's blood and unconditional love. Thank you for reminding me of that. And no, my mind isn't made up...that's why I'm posting here for advice. I'm really torn. To be honest, my husband seems more set on it than me, and I felt like I was getting more and more okay with the idea until I had a meltdown last week when the anxiety of going home soon to get started cleaning out the house hit me.
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if you can get him in a nursing home, do it. Caring for an elder parent who has later stages of Alzheimer's is a very stressful, soul destroying process and it will decimate your life savings and completely destroy your life. See an eldercare attorney regarding Power Of Attorney and estate planning. You REALLY need to do that.
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Countrymouse Nov 2018
Cetude, this lady's father doesn't have dementia. I still agree with you that he needs professional guidance, but he is entirely independent in his choices.
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As people age their bad personality traits generally become amplified whether or not dementia is in the mix. Dad will not change his personality and it’s quite likely to get worse. Although it sounds like you have a loving relationship, you admit to having arguments. Remember the old statement that fish and company begin to stink after 3 days. Your holiday trip will not really be "real life". If you move in with him the 3 days will go into months and I expect tension will develop.
You wouldn’t be asking us this question if you didn’t have a gut feeling this might not be right. Things sound rosy on paper but when reality hits it will be different. Personally I also see a bit of enabling in your relationship. Also the fact that you bring up money as a motivator is troubling. I’m a firm believer in young couples that have taken on the responsibility of being independent adults...be just that. Call me old fashioned but you should be independent of his money. Meaning live on your own within your own means. Your husband should have a new job lined up before you move. If you ultimately decide to move in with dad you need to pay rent. How do you learn to be an adult if you are still living off a parent??
Move to the hometown, let your child have relationships with family there but establish your own home. Dad should get his social needs met with others as well. If he chooses not to, that is his decision and he suffers those consequences. You can not be his whole world.
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MaryKathleen Nov 2018
Harpcat, I think you hit the nail on the head.
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From what I've read online, privacy can be a big issue in multi-general homes, but it appears to me that depends on your personal definition of privacy. As the youngest child raised in a modest home with older siblings getting married and bringing their children into the home during my teen years, privacy was only found in limited quantities in the bedroom or bath. Quiet could be found under a shade tree in the back yard, but anyone sitting on the porch could see you and a nephew or niece could certainly join you. My extended family had at least a couple of gatherings a year, usually during the summer and around Christmas. They were "bring everyone" gatherings of babies to octogenarians. The concept of excluding children or babies from a family gathering - even a formal wedding - is completely foreign to my family, but that's also very accepted practice in many families.

My only real privacy is my bedroom when the door is shut and locked. Because the younger kids often watch TV on my bed and I frequently close the door when the TV located just outside my door in the living room is playing, kids enter my room pretty much at will during the day/evening unless the door is locked. So I lock it when I want true privacy. It doesn't bother me to walk into open common room (living, dining and kitchen) and find someone there. Not everyone feels that way.

Posters have complained about the older generation not staying in "their" part of the home like following them in the kitchen or sitting in the living room until bedtime. Many younger folks want the common areas of the house exclusively for a part of the day or evening or when entertaining. I don't think there is a right or wrong here, only problems when people trying to live in the same home have different expectations. My 4 year old grand-nephew has learned he needs to ask others if he wants the channel changed on the living room TV when its already playing. If it's off, he gets to pick the show/movie.

You and your husband need to be very honest with yourselves and your father. What are your expectations/agreements for the "common" areas of the house? Does your father agree?

BTW: Is there a way into the basement area your father would occupy without stairs? Or is the stairway wide enough to accommodate a chair lift if it was ever needed? Please consider future possibilities and discuss with your father before you move in.
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WFW10312 Nov 2018
TNtechie, very good points about our definition of privacy! That's definitely something I need to discuss with my husband and father, as I can see it being an issue if my dad wants to watch sports on the living room tv upstairs all day while I'm trying to spend time with my child and teach my child the importance of limiting screen time. I think this would be respected initially, but I'm not sure about the long run. I also don't want to restrict my dad to the basement. I'm afraid too much darkness would put him in a worse emotional state.
We have discussed the stairs as a potential obstacle, but he was offended that I would bring that up since he doesn't currently have an issue using them to get to his car in the garage. The chair lift is something I've already considered should he ever need it. I do fear him not admitting that he can't see well enough and falling down the stairs. I previously begged him to move somewhere without stairs, but he didn't want to move.
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I am an only child, a daughter, and had a great relationship with my parents. My mother passed away from Alzheimer’s and I moved my 93 year old Dad in with us. He has his own en-suite room with a huge tv and a sitting area. I was worried about him living on his own far away and getting lonely. He has lived with us for 2 years now and the stress has been tremendous - our once serene, private lives no longer exist. I love my father, but now wish that I had considered other arrangements where we could have more privacy.
It’s the little things that will drive you crazy - and you can’t escape them - things you might encounter:
He has hearing aids, yet the TV is constantly on at a high volume. He must have the speaker feature on to talk on the phone and he screams into it b/c he cannot hear himself.
He is constantly cold and the temperature is uncomfortable for us (not to mention the gas/electric bill is so much higher).
We have had to curtail our socialization in our home because he is always there and we have no privacy with our friends.
We cannot plan any trips without first arranging someone to stay with him and pre-prepping meals for him.
We are his only socialization - all of his friends are dead - this is a big burden to bear.
When our grandchildren come over, he gets anxiety about their play habits and constantly worries that they will “hurt themselves”.
When I suggest that he might want to go into his room - he states that he likes to be with other people. (The fact that he “lives” downstairs might not give you the privacy you’re expecting.
He doesn’t like to try new foods and complains about the food I make.
His personal habits have become such that he hates to shave, showers are rare, and he eats with his mouth full and smacks his lips.
I have become a full time caretaker doing his laundry, changing bed sheets, cleaning his room, preparing his meals, driving him to doctors, etc.
You mentioned that you have a new baby and your first priority will want to be for the baby - that is not always the case when you have an elderly person living with you. Your father may be somewhat healthy now, but things can go downhill quickly when you least expect it. I’m sure the financial aspects are appealing, but (trust me) no amount of money is worth losing your independence and privacy. Good luck.
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HVsdaughter Nov 2018
This! Yes! Well said! Take heed! My newly married niece and her husband lived with my elderly dad for 4yrs, during which they gave birth to their first 3 children before moving to their own home. She can so relate to this!
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Your situation is at best, very difficult. I think it would, however, be a mistake to move in w ur dad. I think it would just open up a "can of worms". Your old problems of butting heads would resurface. But, as u said, moving back to that area and being able to help ur dad, is "priceless". Is there any way u could financially swing moving to an apartment in that area? I didn't really catch how ur father's health is, but even if he lives another 10 years, then the house would be yours. I don't know. That's all I can think of.
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MaryKathleen Nov 2018
suzy, the house also could not be available, if he has to go on Medicaid, the house might have to be sold after he dies in order to pay them back. This is why I totally agree with other posters, an elder care attorney with medicaid experience needs to be consulted.
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You have gotten some good advice, I would reinforce the idea of getting an Elder Lawyer, not with the intent of him going into a LTC facility, but have things in order if that need would come up. My father almost lost his farm going through his estate lawyer, when my mom ended up in a memory care unit for several years. The elder lawyer worked things out for him.
Many have mentioned dementia, everyone is different, but many times people do become aggressive, when they feel vulnerable or inadequate. My mother and now my MIL ( who is starting to have I think vascular dementia), blames someone else for misunderstandings, or incidents that occur. You, will be the brunt of them. My mom told everyone that I took her driver's license for no reason at all, although she failed her driver's test, twice. At that point she could still hide from most people that she had ALZ. I should have had the doctor give her the news. ( Only after that incident did I get the advice that when possible allow someone else be the person to point out their failure. So I would try to gain knowledge of at least early dementia. It is an exhausting, disease for the caregiver, even when they are cooperative.
Even without dementia, older people's dominant traits tend to become more pronounced. And for almost all older adults, structure and routine become very important in their daily lives. (This is also good for small children, so it may be good, in your case). So as mentioned it is important to set up boundaries, prior to moving in, so everyone knows their roles. At the same time, think of yourself in 5 years, will you want to go back to work, how will you keep a social life, (very important for mental health at your season of life), how do you keep your marriage and family healthy. Your father is only 85, these days you could be caring for him for another 10-15 years, in home and/or at a LTC facility.
Then not mentioned is just physical demise. To what point of incapacity do you feel comfortable giving care, and how much would he expect or allow you to give? If he is just unsteady, had a few falls, do you make the house more handicap accessible, or is it time to go to LTC. would he allow you to see him naked to help him bathe...
A big benefit of being there is it may be less stressful, because you can rely on his social circle to help, where from a distance you may not know them nor their present capabilities. It sounds like you still have social ties yourself. Your child will hopefully have a good experience of what it is to be family and care for the elderly, and gain wisdom from your father.
The biggest pitfall I see is the stress on your marriage. Make time for dates, and routine time for communicating feelings. In a college family and marriage class the teacher said most people go to counseling after one has already decided it is done. Marriage takes attention and open communication. Also, be aware we will find issues with your father before you do, not because he wants to, but he does not have the blinding bond. I think my sister-in-laws were saying things to me 3 years before I accepted that my mom had dementia. My mom was always able to give me a logical explanation as to why things occurred the way they did. (Strange how the brain did not function correctly at the time, but could come up with a rational explanation). I found there were many things they did not tell me, because they saw I was not accepting what they did say. Now I am telling my sister-in-law, and she is trying to figure out an ulterior motive, as to why I would say these things. She lives 1000s of miles away. It can't be that I am concerned. My husband is only starting to see it after 3 years and will not share it with his sister as she is very stubborn. The other week she called me to ask if the meatballs I bought for her were raw or already cooked. My SIL who just spent a week with her says she just has normal cognitive changes of aging.

I wish you well.
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WFW10312 Nov 2018
fantasmagorical, thank you for bringing up so many good points to consider. You make a good point about routine. I do think my dad keeps a pretty consistent schedule from day to day; however, I'm not confident that my baby's schedule would match his! My dad wouldn't easily change, nor would my baby, so a set schedule that I am involved in but may or may not match up for the two of them could go very well or terribly wrong.
I will definitely have to discuss care with my dad regardless of what we decide to do and before he gets to the point that he needs it so that we could decide what we feel comfortable with and at what point we'd be in agreement that he needs to go into a facility with assistance.
I like what you said about having his social circle there; however, he doesn't have one. My mom (his ex-wife) lives relatively close, along with her mother and sister. They would be there for him if he was in an emergency state, but they obviously aren't there to care for him daily (otherwise my mom wouldn't have divorced him). The same goes for my husband's family, who are also in the same town. My dad's old friends have mostly all passed away. He hasn't tried to make new ones. He has a handful of friends and relatives that he talks to on the phone and sees about once per year, but he doesn't make social contact daily or even weekly and rarely even monthly. The highlights of most weeks are his errands and appointments, and of course when we come to visit a few times per year. Nothing has changed since I lived there post-college about 6 years ago. He has the same neighbors that I grew up with. They are very nice and willing to help, but again...in emergency situations. They have their own lives and children and even grandchildren to care for. He frequently mentions to me that it's hard taking care of such a big house by himself. I've encouraged him numerous times to downsize, but I think he's hanging on to his last hope that I'll want to keep the house.
Yes, fortunately I have many social ties there...many more so in fact than I do where I currently live. I've lived in our current town for about 2 years and the area for about six. I lived in our hometown for 23 years, so I know hundreds if not thousands of people in his area once you include the family ties, but I know that won't solve all of our problems.
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More things to consider: Is the basement a walkout type for easy access should an ambulance need to be called? Does your dad do stairs easily? For how much longer? Isolation can lead to depression for both the Loved One and the caregiver. Is there a bedroom on the main floor into which he could move if the need arises? Handicap accessible bathroom nearby? Are you planning on him watching the baby while you "step out" for an errand? Probably not a good idea. I cared for my grand niece (whom my 90yr old dad adores) for 9mo here with my dad. Just gave that up when she turned one, started walking, could move fast, and had to be watched constantly when not in the confines of her play yard. My dad has used a walker for the past 2.5yrs now and has nearly fallen several times trying to maneuver around her or reach down to her. Both could have been injured seriously. I never left her alone with just my dad. Also, caring for both an elderly man (of sound mind but beginning to have dressing, mobility, and incontinence issues) and a toddler was rather challenging. Are you planning to have more children over the next few years? Nothing about caring for an elderly LO is "normal" or predictable. It takes love, compassion, patience, a sense of humor, physical and emotional strength and energy, a strong stomach...ALL of which will be challenged to one degree or another, especially while raising a family. It could be wonderful for you and your family and/or it could be terrible. Keep us posted and refer to this website often. This is a great support and advice community.
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WFW10312 Nov 2018
HVsdaughter, thank you for these good questions to ask myself. No, it doesn't seem that the basement would be easily accessible for an ambulance. There is a garage off the basement, and of course a driveway that leads to the garage, but the driveway is possibly too steep for an ambulance to maneuver. I brought up the stair issue a few weeks ago, and that led to an argument :/ I didn't get a good feeling from that conversation. He was offended that I mentioned the stairs since he currently uses them daily with no issue. But they are hardwood stairs that are slippery and obviously could be very dangerous if he were to fall. He also complains of depth perception since he has poor vision, and some days are better than others for his vision (he's legally blind in one eye and has glaucoma in both eyes). Most days, he can see well enough to read the newspaper, drive, etc. but it may not be that way for long. He prepares himself well and only drives when he feels comfortable, has extra food on hand, etc. so I'm not concerned about his current abilities to care for himself. I am concerned about his abilities should his condition worsen, which I assume it will. Bathroom isn't currently handicap accessible and would have to be made that way, which I anticipate leading to more confrontation with him over that conversation and expense. No extra bedroom on the main floor. The house is nice but was made in quite an odd way if you ask me. There are two bedrooms on both floors, 2.5 baths on the top floor and one full bath in the basement, a living room on each floor, a kitchen upstairs and a mini kitchen/bar downstairs. My parents built the house when I was a small child, and it was a custom home. They went through many layouts with the builder, and I think they chose that one so that I could have my own teenage suite downstairs. That never happened because my mom moved out, and I was scared to go downstairs alone.
As far as isolation goes, I am definitely concerned about him being in a dark basement alone since he is prone to depressive emotions; however, he would have more human interaction with us living in the house than he currently does. He rarely sees anyone he knows unless he runs into an old acquaintance at the store.
I hadn't anticipated allowing him to watch the baby while I am out, only while I run to take a shower...however, that may not be a good idea either since they would still be unattended. I hadn't considered my dad getting knocked over by my toddler...that's a very good point. My dad is very strong and walks well, but with his vision, he may not be able to respond quickly enough. I'm sitting here with light bulbs going off because my dad has repeatedly asked me over the years to stop leaving my shoes and random items on the floor because he doesn't see well and might trip over them. My toddler is notorious for unloading every drawer/cabinet he can, dragging shoes across the floor, toys strewn everywhere...that could be a minefield for my dad if I wasn't there to watch over both of them. Yikes.
We do plan to have more children, and that is a concern of mine as well, both as the house isn't laid out well for that despite its generous size, and caring for my dad should he end up needing care could hinder our plans for more children, which doesn't sit well with me. I don't think my dad would want that for us either, as he has expressed in many conversations that he does not want me to make any decisions based on him, and he doesn't want me to have to take care of him. I want to be prepared though as all of you are suggesting because there's always a chance that someone can change their mind when problems arise. I am making a pros and cons list as I type this. Thank you.
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As I sit here writing this...I’m listening to my 103 year old aunt hallucinating in her bedroom...that used to be my husbands office. Tho she has only lived with us 4 months. It seems like a lifetime. We have NO life of our own or any privacy. We have caregivers, nurses, aids and guests wanting to see my aunt in and out almost every day. What times I don’t have caregivers and we have some privacy...I spend constantly on edge that I’m doing everything I can to make her comfortable. I love her dearly and will continue to take care of her till the end...which could be a while because all vitals are strong in spite of the fact that she is in taking very little sustenance. My “golden child” brother is currently with my 90 year old mom, but is already making noises that he can’t handle it much longer since he has wiped her out financially. I will tell you that I realize I won’t be able to have my mom in my home. I’m 60 and my husband is 65. I was single for 29 years before we got married 4 years ago because I gave up my life to care for and make these 2 ladies lives as comfortable...only to hear my mom disparage me for hours on end to my aunt and brother on a security camera they ALL knew was there. I would highly recommend getting your own home if u care to continue to have a life with your family. Caregiving is tough to say the least..
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JoAnn29 Nov 2018
Sorry, but I think at this point I would put Aunt in a NH. Sounds like she is at the stage she is in her own little world. I found a really nice place for my Mom. The staff loved her.
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Just reread your original post. Your dad's vision is poor. That adds an entirely new dimension to the mix. I hope someone here will address that issue.
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Not every situation where generations live together are disastrous. After all, generations ago, it was the norm. The Amish even build little houses on their property for their elders. There was not much concern about dementia. When the elders became hard to handle, more family members pitched in to help. Sadly, from touring the posts in this site, it’s not that way today.

My first concern would be for your child as should your’s be. I’m not wishing this on you, but at some point, Dad’s emotional issues may take a downturn. All us grandparents think we know more about raising children than our kids do. You say you have hopes he won’t interfer but it does seem like he has not many filters when it comes to voicing his opinions. Would this tend to negate your joy to be back “home?” As your child grows, will you want him/her exposed to Grandpa’s emotional issues? You indicate you’re prepared to move if things don’t work out, but those plans, as well as plans for Dad’s care if you cannot care for him should absolutely be part of your pre-planning before you make a final decision. His vision loss is permanent. Can you handle being a guide for him? Has he accepted this handicap? Or, will it add to his emotional concerns? Consider that if you want to move back home, perhaps a smaller house close to Dad where you could live on your own might work.

I wish you success with this endeavor. I really hope it’s a very positive one.
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WFW10312 Nov 2018
Ahmijoy, I completely agree. I am not so afraid of multi-generational living. After all the "nuclear family" is a relatively new thing as you mentioned. We had a family move in across the street from us when I was little, and the grandmother lived with them and was the "nanny" while the mom and dad worked full time. I always saw it as a beautiful thing; however, I do think there were some discipline issues, as the grandma was quite lenient and would get taken advantage of by her not-so-honest granddaughter with a quick wit at a very very young age, only to be confronted by the angry parents when they returned home to learn that their precious daughter had lied and done something she knew she wasn't allowed to do.
I never imagined sending either of my parents to a NH, but I also never imagined having them move in with me. I guess we all want that perfect "pass away peacefully in their sleep" experience.
Thank you for your kind words and good points.
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Please, whether you decide to move in with him or not, see an Elder Law attorney or at least an attorney who specializes in Estate Planning, BEFORE he puts your name on the real estate.
There are probate considerations and tax implications.
Examples:
1) We bought a modest house from a young woman whose dad had added her name to the title a few months before he died. As a result, she owed thousands in taxes on the gain between his purchase price and what we paid her. If she had got title at his death, either by inheritance or a Transfer on Death deed, she would not have owed taxes at all.
2) With excellent estate planning, I inherited real estate by Transfer on Death deed. This avoids the above problem, and also keeps the property from having to go through probate. Often, probate fees are based on the value of the probate estate. Other assets can be titled as TOD also, such as vehicles; and financial assets like bank accounts, retirement funds, etc., can be titled as Pay on Death or have beneficiaries named, all avoiding probate.
Since you are, presumably, your dad's only heir, and he wants to provide well for you, he will want to have these plans in place, and an Elder Law attorney can save you a lot of grief and expense, and might even have some insight and recommendations about your current dilemma about moving in with dad.
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WFW10312 Nov 2018
Agingmyself, thank you so much for the legal and financial advice. He does have TODs in place, Power of Attorney, etc for many of his accounts and assets, but I'm not sure if he's done anything for the house yet. I will look into all of this. I can't thank you enough, as these issues are where I am very inexperienced and need to educate myself and seek assistance.
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Please seriously consider whether moving in together is the best option. I have moved my mother in with me and I believe we do (did) have a great relationship but it is extremely hard, especially when they are declining. Personally, I wish I had looked at other options before jumping into this one. Best wishes in whatever you decide.
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We lived with my mother for almost a year. I thought that it would work out perfectly for all of us, since our relationship was similar to yours. BIGGEST mistake ever! We ended up never having a moment of peace, or any privacy. She interfered with our parenting, was demanding, and treated us very disrespectfully. We also ended up financially responsible for everything, even a phone line that we never used. Financially, it became a loss for us. To add insult to injury, she ended up telling family members that we had never paid for anything...thank goodness that I kept receipts!

I would strongly advise you to move into your own place. Once we moved out from my mother's home, our relationship went back to normal. What I thought would be a win-win situation, turned out to be a nightmare! I wish you the very best, and please keep us posted!
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WFW10312 Nov 2018
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm glad you were able to recover your relationship. Marriage is very important to me, as I don't want to end up divorced like my parents (and my husband's parents).
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WFW- Here are my opinion and advice. You most likely won't like either, but I will put them out there anyway. Your dad will likely do the same, give his unwanted advice and opinion, once you all move in with him.

In my opinion, your dad's house, money, assets, etc. are all HIS, and are to be used for him and his care for life. IF there's any left over after his death, then you may inherit it IF he wants you to have it. It's within his right to give it to a charity, or anyone else besides you. You should not expect to inherit anything from anyone. You and your husband, as independent adults should build your own wealth, buy your own place, and support yourselves.

Remember the adage: There's no such thing as a free lunch. When you move into HIS house living rent free, you will pay some other ways and trust me you will. You will no longer be independent. You will no longer have your privacy, your living space is not yours because it's not. It is unreasonable to expect your dad to keep to the basement 24/7. The whole house is HIS. He will have his say about anything and everything that is his. What are his expectations in lieu of you living rent free? Keep him company, take him places, cook and clean for him, do things for him, and do things his way, pay utilities, pay for food, pay for upkeep of the house, etc.? And those are reasonable expectations.

At the first argument you or your husband will have with your dad, he can easily tell you: "If you don't like it here, you can always move." Then what? Your most basic security, the roof over your head, your husband's and your child's, is shaken and at risk. Your relationship with your dad will be strained to say the least whether you stay or move.

As for his health, he is still able and independent but he will get older and weaker, and will need more care. Please DO read the many questions posted by others in the AgingCare forum and you will get a feel for what age related issues others face with their elderly: immobility, incontinence, dependency, loss of socialization, forgetfulness, falls, driving dangerously, etc.

Not now, but two, or three or five years down the road, will you be able to cope with the above issues? Can you be with him 24/7 to make sure he's not alone and won't fall, and help him to the bathroom, clean him up, change him? If he gets dementia, can you put up with him telling you the same thing 20 times a day? Or him being violent? Or him having night terrors and calling the cops a few times a week? These are all issues others have posted here.

Right now, you mostly think: free rent, big house that will be mine, being close to relatives, being near dad to help him. If your dad didn't have a big house, would you move back?

Your dad most likely thinks: they can come and live here and keep me company in MY house so I am not lonely, they can help me as I age, they can help with the upkeep of MY house, and when I'm gone, they can have it (but not before.)

My advice: if you want to move back, move to your own place. You can come and help dad when you can. Your dad should seek advice of an elder attorney to guide him on how/what he should do for his care in the near future. Maybe he should sell the house, put money in a trust for his care. It will cost $10K-$15K a month at an assisted living facility or a nursing home. His money and assets are his to be used for his care.
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Mary9999 Nov 2018
I agree with polarbear 100%. Please think very very carefully about this. The price you pay for getting "free" accommodation will be the effect on your husband, your child, and your marriage. As polarbear wisely stated, "There's no such thing as a free lunch."
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I implore you to please not do this. I know you love your dad, but you said he has a controlling personality... believe me it will get worse as he ages and when you, tour husband and child are under the same roof. It will be great to be back st home and be near both sides of the family, but please get your own place. I know rent free and no mortgage sounds great, but at what price. Eventually your husband will get aggravated and want you to choose. Plus you and your husband raise your child not him. I know this sounds harsh but it will happen. Please make sure while dad is of sound mind he has everything in order. He should have a will and you should have POA for financial and medical. Consult with an elder care attorney. Best of luck.
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I'll offer another perspective. My elderly mother (82) moved in with us this year, and we have never had a totally easy and loving relationship. But, it is really working out great! Her mental health has improved since she is not alone all the time, and I don't have to drive to her house everyday to help with medications. I have a toddler, and she really enjoys being around her as she grows up, and I love that my kiddo is getting some great first-hand experience with compassion.

As Mom's needs increase, we'll likely have to add an in-home nurse to the mix, or explore a different arrangement, but we are taking things one step at a time. It's just impossible to know what will happen with her health or if there is something else that will get in the way of things working so well. For now, it is remarkable how similar my Mom's and my toddler's needs are! We sit down together every night for dinner, and alternate bath nights. ;)

The only wrinkle we've had so far is my siblings, who are somehow convinced that I've stolen money from my Mom (I haven't). I'd say in this case not having sibs is a blessing! I encourage you to try it, and if it doesn't work, you can make different arrangements. But at least you won't have regrets.
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WFW10312 Nov 2018
Thank you for sharing your positive experience. I appreciate the different perspective. I'm glad it's working out well! I do think that there's a chance things could go great for us too, but I also have many concerns like the other posters. Like your mom, my dad seems much more chipper with his grandbaby around!
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No No No don't do this, to yourself and your family.

Your Father's basic character will become dominant in your home-life, in HIS house. He will not allow you to forget that, ever.
Controlling people will act within character, even living in other people's homes, let alone their own. I know this from experience and I am broken because of it.

It will always be HIS house and living there will fracture your own family structure, independence, marriage. You risk bringing your child into an invisibly controlled atmosphere that turns family life on it's head.

Think:. Lose Lose. NOT Win Win

Please, don't do it.
Polar Bear is so right.
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WFW10312 Nov 2018
Lisa22, thank you for your reply. I too have been broken by the control, and I refuse to let my child experience the same upbringing that I did. I'm starting to think my intuition was right. I initially thought this was a bad idea, but my husband thought it was a great idea, and he's actually the one who talked me into considering it. I'll share these posts with him. I'm actually afraid that moving in with my dad could be worse for him than he realizes, too. He won't be able to have things perfectly his way with a baby. As we all know, babies have minds of their own!
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I hope you will help your dad find a caregiver, or at least a housekeeper, so you don't become his slave. I agree with the others who say you should not move in with him. You must put your husband and child first.
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I will be hoping you make the decision based on what is best for YOU, your child, and your husband. What is the best environment to raise your child in? What is the best environment for you and your husband's relationship to flourish in?
It seems common that the needs and moods of an aging parent take over the home. No price can be put on having your emotional health, your peace of mind, and a happy home for your child. If your dad is sincere about wanting you to do what is best for you - he will understand if you want to live in your own house independently. You could always get a house nearby, and spend most of the days together.
As a kid, my grandmother stayed with us each summer. I still remember her nagging cough and negative attitude and how much better it was when she left. If you move in, it will be difficult to shield your child from the effects of your father's inevitable decline.
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WFW10312 Nov 2018
GingerMay, I completely agree that my husband and child come first and that a happy home is priceless. Thank you.
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If you can, do NOT make changes in ownership of property! The difference can be enormous in if the house has been owned long enough to have significant increase in value--as someone mentioned, if you inherit property, the taxable base resets to the value as when you inherit; if you become an owner before that, the taxable gain is based on the initial buyer's cost. Check with a tax person with experience in inheritances. A suitable trust can often be the smartest way to go, but be sure you are talking to a recognized expert, not the folks that do promotional lunch "seminars".
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WFW10312 Nov 2018
Great advice. Thank you.
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I am going to add my "no" to the others. My mother moved in with us in a new home. (Not ours or hers). She had an apartment downstairs. It was not a good fit. In fact, it helped break up our marriage. She had no boundaries and wasn't interested in getting any. At one point, she said she had hoped we could all be one big happy family. I said we could, but she couldn't be the boss. Didn't go over well. As Dave Ramsey puts it, it is the powdered butt syndrome. If they have powdered your butt, they still think of you as a child and they are the adult.
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polarbear Nov 2018
MaryKathleen - Hahaha. The powdered butt syndrom - that's funny. I haven't heard that from Dave Ramsey before and I do listen to his program periodically though. He does say often that adult children who have their own place and support themselves tend to walk taller, feel more confident, become more capable and all that translates often to better jobs, more opportunities. Compare that to those who still live in their parents' basements and are tied to their purse string.
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Some of the words you have used jumped out at me. "Controlling tendencies, privacy/independence, just like me, baby, I will be left to deal with the house when he's gone, moving back," This is a lot to have on your plate!

I am in the same boat with my dad regarding the 'controlling tendencies' and 'just like me'. As my dad progresses, (dementia) I have found that our relationship has suffered. He can be downright abusive. Living with your father may not be the experience you expect. He will have health issues that you will need to help with. You are all ready a caregiver, now adding another person...

A new baby. Babies require a lot of love and attention. My father became very impatient and demanding. Being the only person to care for your father is going to take a physical toll. Emotionally it drains you too. Nothing in my life ever prepared me to see the loving, super intelligent person I used to know lose his way as he ages. Can you handle the temperament changes your father might have?

Right now my dad is fighting to go into assisted care. He is too abusive and I could never attend to him because of his medical problems. I will soon be the only caregiver as everyone else has checked out. I have decided that my father will do better in an environment where he has access to doctors and there is some space between us. We are too much alike. I think in my situation, my father living with me would destroy my marriage and put too much stress on my family.

You appear to have options. You could sell this large house and buy a smaller one nearby and then put your father in a place where he can live independently but still be close enough to see your family. I'm not sure of his needs entirely, but I do know a few blind people who live alone and love their independence. If you move in together everyone will be giving up their privacy.

Sorry to sound negative. I wish you the best. I'm a realist and if someone had told me years ago how difficult these situations are I might be doing better now.
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WFW10312 Nov 2018
TwinRivers, thank you for your response. My dad calls himself a realist too and raised me as one, so I appreciate your insight. My dad was 55 when I was born. As his only child, people thought I was his grandchild when he picked me up from elementary school. His attitude hasn't changed much over the years. If anything, I think he's gotten slightly tamer, probably because he doesn't have as much energy. He's been an old grouch ever since I can remember! But he's also been a loving father that I don't want to see get hurt. He may be better off keeping his independence as you said, even if he doesn't realize that now.
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WFW, I think your gut is telling you something.

Have you ever sought the advice of a counselor or therapist? I think the time might be right for you and your husband to visit someone and lay this plan out and find out where the holes are.

Personally, I wouldn't/couldn't do this. I was talking last night at a family wedding with a cousin who took her blind and demented mother in law into her home (with many hours of aide help per week). She and her husband laughed hysterically about what blessed innocents they were in their assumptions that this would work out. One highlight was the moment when "Auntie" stood at the top of the stairs, stark naked and called out that she was looking for the "lady of the house".

Please think about your choices carefully. I have lots and lots of friends with elderly parents. I can't think of a single situation in which family moved the elder in with them or the family moved in with the elder where it has ended well.
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WFW10312 Nov 2018
BarbBrooklyn, yes, I think you are right. My intuition told me it was a bad idea initially. No, we haven't sought therapy, but I think it's time for multiple reasons beyond this one. Having a baby takes a toll as it is! Plus, I needed therapy 15 years ago when the Hell started. My mom pulled me out of school one day in 8th grade without telling me where we were going (I thought she was treating me to an afternoon off to spend time bonding together since I was so upset over the divorce). Instead, she dropped me off at a family counselor's office and insisted that I stay for a session. I was traumatized and felt betrayed by my mom. I resented her for going about it that way, and I refused to speak with the counselor. I think I would have considered therapy had she approached it in a different manner.
Oh my, I hate to say that I laughed about your auntie. Funny story, but not a funny situation. I know that must be very stressful and uncomfortable situation for your cousin and many others going through similar situations.
My husband's grandmother has dementia and previously put herself and her husband in several dangerous situations before any of us realized how bad she was (he was hiding it because he didn't want to lose her).
I hope and pray that none of us ever have to go through that, but I know it's a reality for many. I'll share all of this with my husband. Thank you again for your support. It means so much.
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Be careful what you think would be a "win - win." I think you would be setting yourself for failure. A no, don't do it.
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