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My mother is 96. She had a stroke 4+ years ago which she recovered remarkably from. It did affect her and she lost her driving privileges, but you would not realize she had a stroke. After 2 more years in independent living, she had a fall and has been in assisted living since. This is not a Medicaid facility. We pay fully for her to be there. She has hated it from the get-go. She is always telling me how the food is not good, the attendants are not nice to her, they give her meds she doesn't need (and she often refuses them anyway). Oh, and they steal all her stuff (which I usually find hidden in her room). I visit often, know the personnel on first name basis (it's a small facility) so am fairly certain that she is not being mistreated. I'm told that mostly she refuses help when offered and will not call when she actually needs it then tells me that no one helps her there. My husband and I left our home of 25 years (which was 1500 miles away) 20 years ago to come back and help with my parents. My dad passed in 2011. Since that time, I have taken care of her home (while and after she was living in it. Mowing, maintenance, renting, etc.). I have gone through many hospital/rebab/back to assisted transitions (all during COVID and I have severe hearing loss and lip read mostly -- it has been a nightmare dealing with all the various facilities and transitions with masks). I have taken her to every doctor's appointment and anything else she wanted in these last 9 years.


She is difficult. As a younger person, I always knew she would be. She has far exceeded my expectations! She is insulted if you suggest that any condition might have to do with her advanced age. Everything is someone else's fault. She soils herself . . . it's because they gave her that med, or they served a food that caused it. She refuses to use full on (diaper type) protection and then gets upset because she makes a mess. She will not call for help at the facility, but she will call me and tell me she needs help and I need to come over there (20 miles away). I call the facility and ask someone to check on her. I am pretty good about saying no to that. I wait a day or so. At her request, I do all of her personal laundry. Sometimes she calls my phone repeatedly or at all hours. One particular day, she called over 25 times leaving sobbing, and nasty messages about how we are treating her. Giving her some antidepressant meds helps this behavior but it resurfaces fast when she refuses to take her meds. Every bad day she has is 'the worst day of her life'. On one hand, she tells me I do so much for her and she doesn't know what she would do without me. Then will complain that I am not driving her (80-100 total miles) to her old doctor because she doesn't like the PA who comes to the facility. I take her out for dental, wound care and eye care, occasional lunches and we spend holidays with her. It is an exhausting adventure. She can barely get up and down by herself. Getting her into and out of the car and in to an appointment is slow and difficult. It completely drains me of all energy. I am tired. I want to be done. I am 69. I am not a spring chic any more.
And yes, I have one sibling (6 years older) who does not live here. My SIL has ALZ so he has a full plate himself. They actually live near their daughter so she can help them.
I guess, I just need to vent. This has gone on for so long.

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You are using your own funds to pay for her AL? (Why?)
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dimtngirl Sep 2022
No. No. We are using HER money for her care. I was just saying it is not a low grade facility.
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Stop the madness now! Your mother is acting out because you're allowing her to. Stop financing her life, stop enabling her dysfunctional ways, stop taking the phone calls, stop listening to all the endless complaints, and let the staff deal with her entirely. If she needs to be transferred to a SNF on Medicaid, so be it. Recognize what's going on here and put your foot down HARD. Enough is enough. Call mother once a week and visit her once a week, if that. Whatever else she needs in the meantime she can ask the staff for. Unless she's losing weight, which i highly doubt, she's eating the "horrible food" like all the rest of them are and liking it too! All this acting out is for YOUR benefit only. Unless you turn a deaf ear to it, it will go on until you're having a breakdown over nothing! Her histrionics are not your problem unless you choose to continue to allow them to be.

It's time to tell mother, in so many words, to Sit Down And Shut Up now. Your life matters too but women like this never take that fact into consideration because they're too self absorbed to see past the tip of their own nose. It's okay to say NO. It's okay to tell her to use the PA at the ALF even if she hates her. It's okay to take care of YOU now. It really is. And that includes cutting her off the financial tit if you're paying her way in AL as well.

You can do this. Make it happen. Mother will be fine wherever she winds up. You've done enough and you're a good daughter. Just know that because I'm sure you haven't heard those words come out of HER mouth.

Best of luck.
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You get past her guilt tactics by not allowing them in the first place. It seems that a lot of mothers as they age(and often before)like to play the guilt game with their loved ones and often manipulation comes along with it as well.
It's always best to cut it off at the start and to call their bluff. You are doing quite enough for her at this stage in her life and if she doesn't appreciate it, that's on her not you. But I MUST say that you should NOT be paying for any of her care. If she doesn't have the money then she needs to go on Medicaid. What's going to happen when you're needing your hard earned money for your own care?
Stop letting her walk all over you, and when she calls you a lot, let her calls go to voicemail and then delete without listening to them if they upset you. The facility will call you if there is a legitimate problem. Also when she starts talking negatively, just get up and walk out and tell her when she can be more positive you will come back, but until then adios!
It might be time for the facility to set up her rides to her doctors appointments and such so you can have more time to yourself and with your immediate family. Or you can just set up her appointments online for her, at least the ones you can.
Stop being her scapegoat, and start living and enjoying your life the way you see fit.
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dimtngirl Sep 2022
Thank you for responding.
I think I misled you all. We are paying for her care with HER money.
The money is not the issue. It’s the emotional (and sometimes physical) toll of trying to deal with someone who is never happy and it’s gone on for so long. (There is a reason I had been living 1500 miles away for 25 years!).
And, I am learning to not let her push my guilt buttons, but it’s a work in progress.
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I would say there is some cognitive decline here. She gets upset when she soils herself but won't wear Depends to help with the problem. Accusing people of stealing and then finding it in her room ...signs of cognitive decline probably related to her stroke. Chalk it up that she will never be happy. She probably wants her old life back and its not going to happen.

I understand your hearing problem. My husband is almost deaf. He too can read lips. I am his years. Problem with my husband is he doesn't always make people aware. I have had to ask people to lower their masks to he can read their lips. I have a problem making out what they say especially when u get a mumbler. I wish service people were taught to look at people in the eyes and talk distinctive and clearly.
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dimtngirl Sep 2022
Thank you for your response. I do inform, but during the pandemic, most in hospitals and care facilities would not lower masks even if I asked. I have been hard of hearing since my teen years and I do accept it and I advocate for myself. I have found people in the medical field to be some of the least understanding or accommodating. It makes me really sad for older (than me!) folks with hearing loss trying to communicate with their doctors!
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Plain and simple she is manipulating you, you have no boundaries, and she is walking all over you.

They all complain about the food, keep in mind with dementia their taste buds change, my step-mother claims everything is too salty, even pickles, they all want to go home.

Time to put on your big girl panties and say no, it is a complete sentence. She gives you little thanks because she knows it will keep you doing what she wants, she gets it, you do not seem to.

Do what you need to do to regain your life, good luck!
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Pick two days a week to be available for mom, let her know what those days will be and that you’ll be unavailable the other days. Take no calls the other days, the facility will let you know if there is an emergency. Refuse to discuss the new plan with mom, just say how it’s going to be and stick to it, as hard as it might be, it'll be easier than the complete lack of peace you’re getting now. Mom can learn to rely on the staff where she is, she can accept help from others, and you can reclaim your life. Gather your resolve, no guilt for you’ve done nothing wrong, start enjoying time with your family and activities you like. This can be done, boundaries are healthy
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Thank you all for responding. It does help to know that I am not alone in feeling that it’s ok to have boundaries. Perhaps I need to work on those even more. I have done some of these things already (letting calls go to VM, ending conversations when she won’t stop complaining, etc).
It is hard to get away from that inbred Southern daughter persona, however, and hearing all my life that you have kids so you have someone to take care of you when you get old (yes, my dad literally said that). So, I know that this is largely what drives my mother’s unhappiness. She never expected to be placed in a ‘facility’. Since she has the money to pay for her care and since I (nor my brother) feel we could tolerate her living with us, this is where we are at.
Your responses have helped me to feel better about the decisions we’ve made and I need to keep working on standing up to her. Thank you all for the validation and encouragement.
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Daughterof1930 Sep 2022
I’m also a Southern daughter, and we are taught to be helpers. But parents don’t, or shouldn’t anyway, have children in order to have help, that’s a very warped concept! We have children for the joy of watching them become independent beings who don’t depend on us, and equally, we shouldn’t depend on them. My mom was in a NH for four years. It was stressful for all. But there was no question that I could provide the level of care she needed, simply not possible. So I tried to be her advocate and cheerleader, encourager. Please know that whatever “happy” was for your mom is likely over, and no amount of hoops you jump through will change that. Be her advocate and encouragement as best you can, and leave the misery to her. I wish you peace
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That is so true about people in the Medical field being the worst ones when it concerns someone being hard of hearing. One reason my husband does not like hospital stays. He has lost hearing completely in his left ear. The right only 20 or 30% with his hearing aid. Deaf without. I have gotten to the point that I just tell them to mark his chart "deaf". When you say hard of hearing they think because you wear an aid you can hear. My husbands hearing he hears but can't always make out the words. He must see your lips.
He left a PCP because he would not look at him when he talked. Told him 2x he couldn't hear him.
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Pay for the laundry, don’t take it home. Daily transporting soiled garments is unnecessary, unhealthy and not to mention demoralizing. Let the facility prepare your mom and arrange transport for appointments and meet your mom at the office to monitor her visit. Spend time deciding what can be delegated to services that might be included in your monthly charge or a minor additional expense with a maximum benefit. My mom (like many) resisted showers until I instructed the aides to not shampoo her hair. (She hated water in her face). I made weekly hairdresser appointments that she actually enjoyed and it took the stress off the aides on the unit. Use your time to regroup your efforts to benefit yourself and the professional caretakers. Pick your battles.
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Oh my, it's so HARD, isn't it. You have your hands so full and I feel for your brother as well. My mom is a master of the guilt trip too, she is younger than yours but starting the downward slide (she's in the hospital right now after her second serious fall). I think you're doing the only thing you can, trying not to take it personally and let it upset you too much. I applaud you for getting the facility staff involved when she calls you. That's what she pays them for!

I'm sorry your mom doesn't realize what a gem she has in you. A little gratitude would improve her life so much. I truly think there's a special place in heaven for those who take care of their loved ones with so little appreciation from them.
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I am 71. My 89 yr old mom is tiresome and exacts “revenge”..her word. Get counseling..I have signed up again. When I get to my end..3 yrs into this..I go back to a counselor. It teaches us how to live our life while helping them. Such an exhausting life! I keep reminding myself this can not last forever.P.S. I refuse to take my moms laundry in..I let the assisted facility do it. I set a boundary on that one!
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Hello,
I can imagine and have also experienced some of what you’re going through. While reading your story I began to feel your grief and tiredness as well… wheww( smiles). So venting is fine😊

God bless you for giving it your best!
As I said before “ it is not easy parenting our parents.” If I had known the future beforehand I would have chosen a different chore ( smiles). But we live and learn and pass info on to our children and hope and pray we don’t become “our parents.”
Reminds me of me telling my 2nd child when you have children I hope they are just like you
( and I mean it literally and figuratively) he is my arrogant, egotistical Angel) seems odd to put all those words in one sentence lol but he has good heart.. just have to dig deep to find it!

You’re going through a lot and I see you’ve pretty much grown “ thick skin” and it’s a blessing your mom is in a place that you feel comfortable with.
I usually say when we count our blessings ( the good stuff) it makes the ( bad stuff) seem so small❤️
Wishing you peace and serenity!!
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lealonnie1 Oct 2022
I distinctly recall my mother telling me ALL the time how she 'wished I had 10 children who would be just like ME' when I was a kid. She did not mean it in a kind way, either. She meant it that I should be burdened down with 'rotten kids' just like she felt I was. Telling your 'egotistical arrogant son with a 'good heart that you have dig deep to find' that you wish he had children just like him sounds like an equally ugly barb to throw at him.
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I still struggle with guilt, but what helped me a LOT is I started a short mental list of mom’s ‘Top 5 Most Ridiculous Complaints.’ They shifted around but the #1 winner is when I told her I had soup for dinner, and she complained about her food and begged me to come ‘Sleep on your floor and can I have a teaspoon- just a teaspoon! - of your soup. ‘ This was such an over the top guilt trip it snapped me out of it and I finally saw her tactics.

Some people will NEVER be satisfied with ANYTHING unless they are waited on hand and foot 24/7 by the child of their choice. This is manipulative and literally impossible. My mom gets the best care I can manage and it sounds like so does yours! You’re doing a great job…

Good luck!


PS Now I can’t stop joking about offering teaspoons of this and that to people hahaha
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Beatty Oct 2022
Such a good example!

Is it the food?
Is it the soup?
No.
Is it ever the food/other issue?
Or a manoeuver to be looked after by you.

Is it ever just ONE small teaspoon???
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It might be time to get her evaluated for the various types of Dementia with a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can also prescribe medications. A Gastroenterologist can prescribe meds to deal with diaper issues.

Perhaps it would work out better if you move her to a facility near your home to give you a break from the commute.

Please give yourself permission to turn off your phone.

Please sell her home to pay for her care and free your funds up for a few vacations. Make an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney about getting her qualified for Medicaid after the spend down process: then she can provide for herself.

Take back your life before it's too late.
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You sound like you are getting burnout, and you have to make things easier for yourself. It's up to you to set your own boundaries of how much you can do for your mother. You do not have to be her servant. As you said, you are getting older yourself and caregiving has been going on a long time. Do everything you can to make things easier for you. You must make sure she is getting good care, but you don't have to be the one to do it. Gradually transition your mother to use more of the services offered at her facility so that your visits can be just visits - loving and positive - and not just work for you to do. Ask her case manager at her facility the best way to do this. It may not be helpful to talk with your mother about your needs, as older people can get very selfish and only think about their own needs. You are very caring towards your mother, and this can be a very selfless task if she does not give much love or appreciation back to you. You are doing the right thing to call staff when she needs help. She is in an assisted living facility and they should be doing most of what is needed for her daily living. She should be wearing disposable incontinence panties if she has issues. Ask the facility their advice on how to transition her to them. Maybe you can just dispose of her other panties as they wear out. Why are you doing her laundry? If she has so many items that need special care, it might be time to get her clothes that can go through the facility's laundry (they will be rough on laundry and wash and dry at the hot settings. I've found that getting clothes that can wash and tumble dry low usually are OK at hot settings). Get clothes that are comfortable and easy to get on and off (pull-on pants, stretchy tops that have neck openings that are easy to get on, no little buttons, etc. Hopefully you are her POA and can ask her credit card company for a card on her account with your name on it so that you can purchase things for her. It's time to lock up her valuables, or remove them from her room at the facility. And she should have no personal papers in her room (no bank statements, etc.) Senior facilities recommend not keeping valuables or large amounts of cash in the room. Talk to her doctor about her meds. Maybe at age 96 she can be phased off some of the meds. When my mother had advancing dementia and was losing her mental and physical capabilities, there came a time when we had to stop the outings. They were no longer pleasurable for any of us. At that point when I visited, I took her out to the patio at her facility and we just sat outside together for a few hours, or visited in her room or in a common area of the facility, if the weather was bad. Sometimes I'd bring food and we'd have lunch together. I hope by now you have sold her house, if this makes your caregiving "job" easier. Also, set up all of her accounts online and paperless, if this makes things easier (it did for me with my mother). Seek therapy for yourself if you need counseling on how to get your own life back to where you want it to be. All the best to you both.
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dimtngirl: You must cease financing your mother's managed care facility living. It is imperative that you take care of your sixty nine year old self, else you run yourself ragged - even more so than you are already doing.
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lealonnie1 Oct 2022
On 9/29 the OP said:
"Thank you for responding.
I think I misled you all. We are paying for her care with HER money.
The money is not the issue. It’s the emotional (and sometimes physical) toll of trying to deal with someone who is never happy and it’s gone on for so long. (There is a reason I had been living 1500 miles away for 25 years!).
And, I am learning to not let her push my guilt buttons, but it’s a work in progress."
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She will not be happy no matter what you do. She doesn’t want to be happy. She’d rather complain. My mom has most of her mental faculties but is similar. Nothing is ever quite right. When I was growing up she was a stay-home mother (and did the bare minimum of mothering; mainly watched soap operas), never had to work, Dad spoiled her. Had her hair and nails done weekly. Shopped constantly and bought anything she wanted. And still it was “Oh, I’m just so worn out. Kids are driving me nuts. It’s just so hard every day. Oh, all this laundry and work I have to do.” Constant complaining. Even now, at almost 80, she is still spoiled and still gripes.

You can’t make her happy or make her show appreciation. Or she may be the sort to take her issues out on others, to make them feel crappy too. If she’s been this way her whole life, she won’t change. The guilt is HERS to bear. Not yours. Maybe she’ll let up on the guilt tripping when she realizes you aren’t taking the bait anymore.
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It sounds like her dementia symptoms are getting worse. Everything you are saying about how she blames you (and others) and reacts to situations are normal for many who have dementia. Was she like this before Dementia? Try not to take it personally and be glad that she is in a nursing facility. Check in on her like normal and then block her number right after. It should just go to voicemail without ringing. Take off the block when you choose. She probably does not realize how many times she is calling you. I would not tell her about it or anything else that might upset her. Just let her talk without reacting and make a plan to divert the conversation before talking to her. Keep conversation light and superficial. Try to get her engaged in some activity even it’s just watching a show and then discussing it. Try to remember that her brain is dying off with the dementia and that it will only get worse. Keep yourself happy in between so when you do have to deal with her your mood is already way up. All the best!
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