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My father suffered a stroke one year ago, he's paralyzed on one side and cannot speak. We (his daughters) have been part of his care team since he left the hospital. My mother has refused physio and speech therapy for him and now has moved eight hours away from family. She is now isolating us from video chat (he can't speak so we communicate visually), and we are very concerned for his well being. We are contemplating legal action, not sure if we even have any rights as daughters...
Has anybody had to go through this nightmare before?

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If you live in New York, you might have a case. Look up "Peter Faulk's Law" .
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worriedinCali Jan 2021
The OPs location is noted on her profile, she’s nowhere near NY
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You could contact the local police for a welfare check to see if they can see what's going on. Of course, your mom needs to allow them to come into the house, but if she doesn't you could assume something is very wrong and contact Adult Protection Services.

Is your mom afraid you'll put him in a nursing home? Does she have dementia? Her refusal to allow him any therapy says volumes about her competence to care for him.
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Snowcat60 Jan 2021
Adult protection services are useless if she is competent. We’re going thru this with out father. The step mother will not allow us in to see him or take any phone calls. They said if she is mentally fit their hands are tied?
We suspect abuse, yet no one will cross the line to get in to see what’s going on. The police will not even touch this situation.
‘Found out Dad fell yet again and was in the hospital from their neighbor, the step mother lied to the hospital intake workers and said he had no children?
So, when we showed up we were not allowed to see him.
So, what do you do?
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Just looked up the law. We need this passed in more States. It protects family members from Guardians that take their responsibility too far and don't allow family members to know what is going on with their LO.
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Sarah3 Jan 2021
Could you specify what the “it” is? you wrote “just looked up the law. We need this passed in more states. It protects family members from guardians who take their responsibility.....
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Unfortunately, physical therapy is most effective immediately after a stroke, before muscles get a chance to deteriorate. My aunt had a stroke 11 years ago, and whined about how hard the PT was so much and so loudly that her kids tiptoed around her, and she never regained full mobility. But she can talk. Call Adult Protective Services. She's basically holding him hostage. I don't know if it's legal in your state, but surely denying someone medical care and the means to communicate is actionable. Physical therapy is widely accepted as necessary treatment.
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Just drive there one weekend without her knowing and check out the situation. Stay at a hotel for 3 or 4 days. Just do it.
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Tell your mom that you will be seeking legal advice if she doesn't let ya'll talk to your Dad.

Even tho he can't talk, he may can write or type answers.

You need to go visit him and find out if he is doing ok and if he wants to continue living with your mom.

You should deffiently call Adult Protective Services and have them go do a well check on your Dad.

Your Dad's Insurance would cover therapy at home and he should be getting g it unless he doesn't want to.

Also, Why do you think they moved 8 hrs away?
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hes your dad—- why don’t you just drive and go visit him? Seems like the first common sense thing to do, before jumping to the most extreme lengths of legal action. That would involve upsetting your dad and possibly putting him at risk. I would imagine he’d rather see you come to his home then he would police.
8 hours is a pain to drive but it shouldn’t be too much for you since he’s your dad, it’s not as if they moved across the country or to another country.
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Pattihannaway Jan 2021
Why would the wife let them in to see him? 16 hour drive for nothing. Wives and Stepmothers Rule. Kids have no rights. Get an Elder Care Lawyer to protect your Dad.
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Get a Elder Care Lawyer now.
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Sarah3 Jan 2021
sadly lawyers seems like the instant go to response for many Americans nowadays. I love the idea by another member of understanding his wife may have reasons for wanting more space, and to support her if they want to have a less contentious relationship ( which isn’t good for their dads health) Possibly there’s been discord among the children and wife about her husbands care and has caused her and her husband undue stress- that necessitated them having some space.
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Consult a lawyer in their state or community about this situation so you will know your rights.

Try to get your mother to agree to a visit. With COVID, she may be concerned that any visitor may infect him or her. Explain you concerns and that if she won't let you "see" him, you are so concerned that you will call the authorities to do a welfare check.
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Is your Mother competent?
Has there been disagreement in the family about treatment plan going forward?
Does your Mother wish to have hospice now rather than treatment?
If your Mother is POA for your Dad, and competent, she has pretty much become the Lioness at the Gate. Bothering her is going to get you shut out. Supporting her in every way may get you some time with your Dad in his end of life care.
I am no privy to your Mom's "side" of all this, but if she is in charge, that doesn't really matter.
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Sarah3 Jan 2021
I agree - I don’t like the idea to move with him 8 hours away, but people do this all the time unfortunately,.... it’s not a crime. Sure driving 8 hours is a pain, but it’s not that big a feat —it’s not as if they moved across the country.
it’s half a days drive, leave in the am, arrive by afternoon.
rather than taking the most extreme step first ( with all the drama and stress that brings- to their dad included, by the way- op should go try and see him.
could she decline their visit? Possibly- possibly not.
Won’t know til they try though. I also agree the wife may have reasons for moving- has their been discord or disagreement about her husbands care
that could have caused her to desire some distance.
being supportive to her is something that also would support their dad in turn and hopefully create at least a bit more openness to visits and communication.
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I am so sorry that your mom refused therapy after his stroke.

My father had a stroke. My mom would have never refused any therapy for my dad.

Therapy is an essential part of treatment for stroke patients. I would be so upset if my mom did that.

When did you find out that she intervened in this way? It’s so sad. Did your dad ask her to refuse his therapy?

Why would she isolate him from his family? Were you close or distant with your family before this incident? It seems so puzzling to me.

What is going on with your mom? Is there a reason that she would act in this manner? Is she suffering from any form of cognitive decline?

My father went to a rehab facility after his stroke but after time was up in rehab, I continued to take him to speech therapy every week.

My mother couldn’t drive due to her Parkinson’s disease so I drove him. Even with therapy, my father struggled with verbally communicating.

I can tell you that my father was embarrassed that he mixed up words.

Once he even called himself stupid. It broke my heart. Of course.

I told him that none of it, was his fault, that he worked hard in therapy and was doing his very best.

I can’t help but wonder why she would deny him treatment that was needed and it would raise questions in my mind about all of her motives.

Did he at least have the benefit of home health? When needed, my mom and dad participated in home health programs where therapists treat the patients in their homes.

Of course, I don’t know your mom so I can’t connect any dots but she certainly screwed this situation up.

Has she ever stood in the way of other things before? How awful for your father and the rest of your family.

I suppose that you could start with a welfare check. Do you have permission to speak with his doctors about this situation?

Again, this is unfortunate and I am so sorry that it occurred. Your dad and your family deserved better.

Keep us posted. We care.
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Is mom competent? It seems odd someone would refuse rehab efforts and move 8 hrs away. How did she manage a move 8 hrs away on her own? Why would she have moved so far away from all of you? Disagreements, to be closer to a friend, other family, etc? Is it possible she is in a relationship with someone else (and chose to keep dad's income with her while she persues that relationship?)

It is very possible that you could get visitation via legal action. Talk to an attorney to figure out what steps to take. If mom is acting erratic, it's possible to get things put in place to determine what's going on the household, be able to visit and observe the care, etc.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2021
We have a similar feelings.

There are questions that need answering.

I didn’t think of your particular questions. Anything is possible.

There is more to this story. Without knowing more, we can’t possibly connect the dots.

I feel sorry for the dad and the children. It’s sad.
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Imho, you may need to seek the counsel of an elder law attorney. Prayers sent.
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This is cruel and sadistic. Definitely do talk to an eldercare attorney and also contact the local Office on Aging, Elder Abuse Department. They will and can investigate and get appropriate action going. And get a Power of Attorney if you don't have one. I feel you have to do something and possibly you may have to get him removed from her and put into a facility. Do not let her get away with this - she may have dementia. You are family - keep searching - someone has to help and they will.
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Chris52 Jan 2021
I don’t believe that we have enough information to know that this is “cruel and sadistic.”
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The past has affected your ability to have a relationship with your mother. Your father has her for his security. It sounds like she has problems that affect her verbal as well as her caregiving. Keep up on site visits and get some help with what to look for from a Adult Protective Worker. You can deal with "what to do" to repair the damage to your relationship with your mother. Again...you need professional help in how to restore your relationship.
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My step-thing did this for a long time and ended-up with lots of wellness checks, Step-thing is quite abusive, and laughed when we couldn't reach our father, she too moved them to a different state with different inheritance laws, to keep her step-children from his first wife from, inheriting anything.
I posted the aforementioned because, not everyone is mentally stable, which means you must consider your father's safety. What are their state laws?
Consult with an attorney STAT.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2021
If those step-children to her were HIS biological children, they are entitled to half of his estate unless it was stipulated otherwise in his will. He would have to legally cut his children out by stating so in a legal Last Will and Testament. If he didn't do that, then in pretty much every state the court will tell the wife/step-mother to go pound sand.
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There isn't a lot of information provided, so it is hard to consider where to begin. The mother must have given some indication as to what the problem was, or why she was moving.

While being a "part of his care team", were there contentions, disagreements? Was the mother criticized and harped on for not allowing PT?

Although others have suggested APS or PD, the mother can refuse to let anyone in. She shouldn't, but she can. APS doesn't really have the legal authority to force their way in, but if they suspect something's amiss, I should think they could go to court for legal action.

For those who criticized seeking an attorney, do you understand that this kind of situation may call for legal action? This isn't about suing someone, it's about gaining access to a LO, to be sure nothing untoward is happening.

It might be best to at least try APS or the PD for a wellness check. Express concerns about his health and being shut out without being critical of the mother. Keep your tone concern!! IF they are refused access, they could, but likely won't pursue legal action (court order to at least see the man.)

Quick lookup, there were a number of queries like this, and most of the attorneys suggested APS and/or seeking an Elder Care atty to explore options. One response was:

"Isolating a vulnerable senior is a potential sign of elder abuse. Please consider contacting the elder fraud division of the district attorney's office and a lawyer specializing in elder law for further advice."

IF there was no real contention (only you can make that determination) before she cut off access and moved, then I would have concerns about his well-being. No ages are provided, no condition on the mother - is she young and capable enough to assist him as needed? Was she abusive towards him before your access was cut off? Could he be in danger? Too often you read articles about a LO being cut off from family and later they find out the person has passed, but no one is told and the other person continues taking their income. I'm not suggesting this is the case, but if I cared about him, I would pursue legal action to at least have SOMEONE check his status.
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You would probably do well to talk to a lawyer specializing in elder law. Also, if your state has an Ombudsman for aging they will help you or at least advise you on what other steps you can take.
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sorry to hear of this, maybe your mom is scared of what might come to be. maybe she feels that IF she is in control he will get better on his own, which he won't unless he has the therapy.  maybe she had a bad experience with therapy before and that's why she is hesitant.  have you asked her just out of curiosity why she won't get him therapy?  maybe you could take a weekend vacation (you and sister) and go visit without letting them know you are coming. do it as a surprise for your dad.....see how things are going and discuss different options for your family.  wishing you luck.
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This post is 10 days old. OP gives no details on her profile. OP has not been back since the original question. She has not provided any of the extra information requested. The query is quite strange, particularly for a poster’s own parents rather than a step parent, and there would have to be a back story that hasn’t been mentioned. That’s if the whole query is genuine! Perhaps we should all give up on it, and stop wasting our time.
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Make sure he is not being neglected, abused or losing all the money they have.
Believe me this happened to my father who was well off and Elder Abused by
his "brother". He was thrown into a welfare nursing home and cremated by the
county even though he had money and was a devout Catholic. Make sure
someone checks on him at least every 72 hours. The police are very good at
responding to "welfare checks".

Good Luck
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