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She is showing clear signs of dementia, but she refuses to see Drs. She can be very cruel to me and my parents and siblings (she's always been verbally abusive to my dad, who is a very sweet man). She makes up lies about my whole family especially my mother who is the only one of her 7 children who has actually taken care of her over the years; living with my mom most of her senior years. She enjoys verbally attacking me and making me upset. I worked with elderly patients with dementia in my past job as a CNA and I see a lot of similar behavior in my grandma. Very forgetful, paranoid, believes my family is out to get her and steal her money (she does not have a lot of money) just to name a few. She refuses to follow through with any Dr appointments. My mom is about ready to wash her hands of the whole situation, but I'm living with her and feel like I have no power to do anything. My grandma has lost a lot of weight and barely eats, lives off of coffee and cookies most days. I want her to be cared for, but I know my family cannot afford these expensive assisted living or nursing homes. I want her to have a better quality of life, but I don't know how to get that for her. I know she does not want my help and wants to die, but that seems inhumane for me to allow things to continue the way they are going. She is very nice to strangers so I worry that myself and my family won't be believed.

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You are going to need to move on out of this familial chaos. Your grandmother is not your responsibility, but that of her own children. You are working; get your own small place and tell your parents you can lend them some support in terms of ideas how to proceed, but will be now too busy with your own life and your own job to do hands on.

You say your Mom is ready to wash her hands of the situation and I must tell you it is CRUCIAL that you wash your own hands FIRST.
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Hothouseflower Sep 2023
You are right, the OP needs to get her life in order and distance herself from this situation before it becomes too difficult to do so.
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Ask your mother to apply for Medicaid for her, the family should not pay for any nursing homes for your grandmother.

Time for you to move on, it is your grandmothers' children's problem not yours.

You are too involved in this, you are young, get on with your life.

Good Luck!
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You’re very kind to want to help. Unfortunately your grandmother’s needs far exceed your ability to provide all she now requires, not your fault at all, it’s simply too much. The rest of the family seems to have seen this. She needs full time professional care and can receive this through Medicaid. Your grandmother’s adult children need to make this happen, not you. And please protect your own heart and health, don’t stick around for bad treatment, no one deserves that
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