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Mom passed the day after we returned home to regroup. The day after her youngest grandchild's bday.
Now it's time for funeral arrangements, searching her home for insurance policy papers and if she left a will. But my oldest brother has changed the locks to the door and will not give us a key.
He plans to move his family in.



I am to the point of not having much family when this is all over 😭

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My deepest condolences over the loss of your dear mom. I'm glad she's at peace now, and that your job of seeing to her final wishes is now finished. I don't know how you 'handle things collectively without discourse', since your brother doesn't seem to want to do that. Changing the locks and not giving you a key underscores that. You can move on with YOUR life now that you've seen to your mother's wishes; that's all you CAN do.

I just wanted to say that I'm glad this chapter of your life is behind you now b/c I know how hard it's been for you. I admire the strength you've shown in this matter, and I hope that your grandmother comes around to treating you with respect again.

Wishing you all the best.
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I don't think your brother has any right to lock you out. If there is no Will, Mom died intestate. One of her children now needs to go to probate and become an Administrator. This person will have the same responsibilities that an Executor would do. The difference, the State determines how Moms estate is split amoung her children.

After the funeral, I would see a lawyer about brother. He may need a letter sent explaining how probate works. If he contests in any way, it could take years to close Probate.

Someone needs to at least get a short-certificate from Probate to handle any outstanding debts and handle the bank etc. Be aware that insurance policies usually name a beneficiary. This means that the money goes to them and they do not have to use it to pay bills or funeral costs.
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I'm so sorry for your loss, Sadly.

Did mom have a lawyer you can contact?

A best friend who might know the name of that lawyer?

((((Hugs)))))
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SadlyYours Jul 2022
I contacted a lawyer today. Will start the succession soon.
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This instance is why a parent needs to tell at least one child where all the important papers are. My Mom kept hers in the same drawer for as long as I could remember. I did ask, before her Dementia was pronounced, to out everything in a folder in her hutch cabinet so I could find this easier. This included her paperwork for my POA. I have a 2 drawer filing cabinet where all our papers are. I am about to go through it to reorganize to hopefully make things even easier for my Girls.
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SadlyYours Jul 2022
She did, but hurricane Ida displaced her and the papers got lost in the shuffle. I have her insurance policy, but she didn't tell anyone if she had a written will so we're assuming there isn't one.
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So sorry you're going through this nonsense. If your mother had an attorney, see if that person has a signed copy of her will. In my state, the probate court will accept a copy. The will states who the executor is. The executor has a legal duty to maintain property, gather assets, and, of course, distribute the assets. There are many other administrative duties that have time frames. If you can't find a will or your brother is not the executor, consult a probate attorney. A strongly worded letter pointing out the laws he's breaking, including trespassing, may wake him up.

Suggestions, not legal advice.
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SadlyYours, I am so sorry for your loss.

May The Lord give you grieving mercies, strength, and wisdom during this difficult time, may HE open the hearts of your family to do the right things and to honor your mom and her memory by not making this more difficult.
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One thing that might calm things down with your brother, is that it is quite common for people to move into the house after a death leaves it vacant, particularly if their current housing is being a real problem for them. As well as solving their housing problem, it also has the advantage of keeping the property occupied and maintained. He should probably pay rent to the estate, unless he is doing needed cleaning up and maintenance work to a fair value. It is also quite common for elderly people’s housing to deteriorate so that maintenance and yard work really is needed.

The lawyer is needed, and should make it clear that this is temporary, but there may not be a need to get him and his family out immediately. It could make for an easier compromise.

You are all stressed at the moment, and I send you my sympathy for your loss, and my best wishes for things to improve. Yours, Margaret
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SadlyYours Jul 2022
Not the case, he lives with his wife in a home down the street from mom's house. He didn't express any housing issues, just changed the locks to keep up out and went back down the street to his wife. He has not moved in yet.
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Perhaps I’m being doggedly positive, but it seems that brother isn’t moving in, he’s just changed the locks. Perhaps he has the will, and he’s the executor.

Changing locks is not that stupid a thing to do. In the last days of life at home, it can be like living in a railway station. People come and go all the time, doors are open, spare keys places are known, and keys can be taken away to cut duplicates. Carers know what’s worth having, their partners make plans.

We had something similar when MIL went into the NH. A visitor who knew all about her talked their way past the desk as a family member, but MIL didn’t recognise him. He asked to look at her diamond ring, took it off her finger and left. We came to the conclusion that it was probably the partner of one of the carers.

Clearly there isn’t much trust here, but perhaps don’t assume the worst. Brother might even be looking forward to replying to the lawyer's letter you've paid for, to say that he's done all the right things.
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SadlyYours Jul 2022
Thanks for the positive outlook. I could use a ray of sunshine. However, brother changed the locks while mom was at inpatient hospice and refuses to give my brother and I a key. He let us into the home after mom passed to search for any documents as he stood guard and watched our every move.
Such a tragic place to be in with family while we are all mourning mom's loss.
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You go at once to an Elder Law Attorney or Trust and Estate Attorney ; ALL the remaining siblings. Tell the attorney that as far as you know there is no will. Whomever is best able to should be named and go to court to be administrator of the estate.
Then if the brother DOES has a will he will cough that up soon enough.
Ask the funeral place if the brother has made any arrangements and if so, to ask on what authority he did so.
As there is not an occupied house as yet I would, with your siblings, enter this house and go through it when brother is at work. (I am saying I would, not that you SHOULD). I would do that and if someone came I would say my parent died unexpectedly and I was checking for a will or any papers extant.
You don't say how many siblings there are, but you do indicate one is quite nefarious. You are going to have to prevent his becoming administrator of this estate without a will as he surely is now tring to work some pretty bad deals. It is a mess when a parent dies without taking care of these things. I wish you luck. You DO NEED an attorney's guidance. Forums are full of folks who will tell you anything (hee hee, such as breaking locks on a door).
Good luck. Hope you'll update us.
Basically SOMEONE is going to have to speak to this brother who reading further down I now see lived almost next door to your parent. What is the problem that has caused such animosity with the brother? Has he been doing most of the care of the Mom? If so, he surely may have been the POA and may now be the executor of any will. He surely is behaving as though he is.
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MargaretMcKen Jul 2022
Alva. I really respect your posts, but ‘hee hee’ about breaking locks is not really something to laugh about. And it needs to be followed up by yet more locks!
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1. First, determine if a will has to be filed in your state. Your profile doesn't include the state in which you live, so I can't check that out for you.

2. If a will has to be filed, contact the county clerk's and ask if there is a will filed under your mother's name. If so, ask how to get a copy; it'll cost but will be necessary.

3. If neither provides a copy, one thing to consider is, with each sibling signing, send a certified letter to your oldest brother inquiring (a) under what authority he has locked everyone out, and (b) why he is apparently acting w/o any legal authority, and (c) ask (demand?) a copy of the will be provided and (d) ask why he hasn't complied with statutory authority and filed the will.

4. If in fact there is no will, your mother has died "intestate". How the will and assets will be handled would be governed by intestacy laws of your state. You can do an online search for your state's intestacy laws. You might have to search a few hits to get good information. I've found the best info is from legal sites, either Findlaw or Nolo, or a law firm's site.

I echo Alva's suggestion to ask one of funeral directors about a will, assuming that your brother has also appointed himself for this aspect as well.

If you do contact an attorney, inquire if he/she or the firm handles contested estate matters. Not all attorneys in that practice area will become involved with litigated estates.

It's unfortunate that your brother is behaving in such an inappropriate manner, especially after your mother dies. I'm sorry to learn of her passing, and hope that you find resources here to help you and your siblings work through this sad event.
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AlvaDeer Jul 2022
As always, the amount of complete and informed knowledge you supply to our Forum folks is amazing, and the amount of time you take with each thing stuns me. I think it is just great!
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I'm sorry for your loss.

And sorrier for the fact you have (like so many of us!) a sibling who takes over without really having the power to do so. Ugh.

For the time being, yes, talk to a lawyer. Try to get the other sibs together and be one cohesive unit. It won't be easy, these things never seem to be when everyone has a different 'take' on what should happen.

Try to stay calm and remember that this too shall pass---and hopefully you will have some salvageable relationships when this is all put to bed.

I, too, have a YB who 'runs the show' and I KNOW when mom passes he's going to pull that same stunt. Mom lives with him, and he had the locks changed on their house years and years ago. For a while, about 5 years ago, I had to call ahead to make an appt to see mother, the relationship was so strained. I stayed calm and just rolled with it and he calmed down.

When you have some legal power on your side, you'll see some results. Perhaps brother did the 'new locks' thing to simply make an empty house not be empty--and who knows who has keys? That wasn't a bad idea, and even controlling who can go in and out--also not a bad idea, just seems a little petty if it was done to keep FAMILY out.

I wish you luck and hopefully a peaceful outcome.
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Its weird that your mom didnt have a will or get her paperwork in order when she knew she was dying.
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SadlyYours Jul 2022
Not weird at all, most people don't.
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Good Morning,

You mentioned brother and his wife lived down the street in a home. By any chance was your brother doing all of the work? It's hard after a death even when things are on good terms.

But, oftentimes, the one who is doing all the work is tired. If he is down the street more than likely he did a lot of the caregiving work and was always on call.

In some families there are the "Johnny Come Lately's. I am not insinuating this is true for you. They show up at the last mile and I agree changing the locks is the right thing to do. Any place that I have ever lived in, this is the policy. I actually saw a neighbor pass and 10 minutes later his brother-in-law shows up and walks out the door with the deceased one's golf clubs. His wife saying take this now before they change the locks. I kid you not.

Everyone is tired after a death--if you can keep the door open. It sounds like your brother may have had a lot of the responsibility considering his close proximity.

He's probably tired and has had it...something to consider.
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Hummer Jul 2022
In my own extended family there have been a couple of examples where belongings were appropriated during the initial confusion following a death. "Grandma promised me I could have..." While that may have been true (who knows?), everyone else was too shocked to protest it. So, yes, it really is best to secure everything sooner rather than later--hoping that the keeper of the keys behaves with integrity.
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Consult an attorney right away.
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You Have contacted a lawyer now contact a locksmith to change the locks again and have enough keys made for every family member including the brother who is about to take the house away from you. I’m sorry you have to go through this. Stay strong, follow your instincts and you’ll be all right however this turns out. Good luck.
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Get a lawyer.
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Just read this post. My condolences for your loss.

This is a clear example of why it is important to discuss end of life issues with parents, so that there will be no questions when the time comes.

At the end of each year, my Mom and I would go over her important documents: Will, POA, Health Care Proxy, Life Insurance, and Obituary, to discuss any changes. I would then prepare a sheet with the date we did so, and we both would sign it. It gave us peace of mind. The last time was right after Christmas 2021. When I read her Obituary to her again, she commented, "Did I do all that in my life?" I replied, "You bet!" As her son and full-time caregiver, I also was her POA, Health Care Proxy, and Executor.

When she passed in January 2022 at age 93, I was ready to get things moving. Even the funeral director was shocked at my organization. After her funeral, I had all the documents ready to sit down with our Attorney to close the estate. I do have siblings who were not involved whatsoever. They did come to the service at the funeral home, but luckily, gave me no grief afterwards.

As others have noted, please discuss this situation with an attorney.
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TakeFoxAway Jul 2022
Wow. I wish I had YOU as a brother.
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I am so sorry for your loss.
Please, please listen…seek wise council from a attorney. Unfortunately, I have a similar situation. Your attorney will help you through the process and will hold EVERYONE accountable. It will allow you to grieve and the attorney does the rest. Bless you.
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Angelica357 Jul 2022
I have a trust attorney.. ready to go after my dad passes. My mom passed 7 mo. Ago.

my family is estranged. It’s business now.

sad.. I know.. it’s complicated.

take care of yourself!
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Did anyone ask brother why he changed the locks? Maybe it was so he and the rest of you know who is going in/out. Too often, relatives show up and start taking things. The children should ALL know what goes out the door.

Ask him. If he really plans to lock everyone out just so he can take over the property, it's time to get an attorney. If there's a will, all the assets will be designated. If no will, you need an atty for the probate and to get brother notified that nothing moves, sells, etc.
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You need a lawyer ASAP. You don't have to pay them up front. I had 1 lawyer tell me 5k retainer and then they will discuss my case. Hard pass, wrong answer. Find another.
I had an issue with sibling not giving me answers, walking away when I asked legit questions, ignoring me, and even trying to turn my mom against me while she was dying. Throwing a huge fit bc I asked a nurse a question. She didn't want me to know about my mom's medical issues. So thought she would embarrass me in front of the nurse to silence me. Wrong. I kept asking questions. So I did know about my mom's medical issues.

Your brother has no right to take over the home. He might have stolen the will, or said there is none, hoping he can do what he wants.
You cannot argue or waste time on this! He has told you he plans to steal it. Right in your face. You need help now.
I waited to long after my mom passed. I knew shenanigans were happening, but I did not know anything. My gut was screaming at me to do something, but I hesitated. Do not hesitate! My lawyer said if you had come to me right away we could have gotten to the bottom of it. But I got there in time after dad passed. You need to do something immediately. He's probably removed all the valuables so you can't get it. Maybe cleaned out bank accounts. At least with a lawyer you will get something rather than nothing. Get a lawyer now!!! My sibling lied about everything. Even lied in court. So you need to act on this. I waited to long. Do not wait. You will regret it. I regret waiting along as I did.
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I'm sorry for your loss. Others have given you very practical advice. For some emotional consideration, you can only control YOUR actions. Do your best to follow mom's wishes and determine what they are. If someone acts badly, that's their problem and very sad. Try not to make it yours. Emotions are usually raw after a death. Try not to react in anger or with any hysteria. This approach has served me well so far.
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As one of five children and the only one helping my mom, I definitely plan to change the locks once my mom passes. I have no idea who has existing keys, but I have already experienced my brother-in -law walking through my mom’s home with a couple if his kids selecting bedroom furniture. He also offered to buy my moms car for his
of his kids. That was two years ago.

As my mom never changed the locks and my sister and this husband lived with her about 18 years ago, I feel like I have an obligation to the other beneficiaries to make sure things don’t just disappear since the estate needs to be divided evenly.

I am currently her POA for Healthcare and Finance. Once she passes I will become trustee of her living trust and executor of her will. It might help to find out if your brother is operating in any official capacity.
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POA ends when someone dies. I'm sorry to hear that your brother is being uncooperative. I've heard so many stories of uncooperative siblings. The prospects of an inheritance seems to bring out the worst in people. Did she have an attorney and do you know who that is? If so, you can ask the attorney if there was a will. Is your brother the executor of her will? You can ask to see a copy of her will. If he will not be cooperative, then you would have to get an attorney for yourself. Is it worth it? You can mention your wishes to your brother, and keep notes of what you ask of him. But there's no guarantee that you'll get what you ask for without a fight.
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Usually with death the true color of people come out. That is why I severed all contact with any family that may be left. I do not want to be associated with people with those personality traits. I would let your brother do his thing and ask you be invited to any funeral. If not take him to court and make him regret every moment.
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I’m terribly sorry for your loss.

if your brother is executor, it is his legal fiduciary duty to safeguard the property of the estate. That includes changing the locks (it does not include moving in forever—but for some estates, cleaning, distributing, discarding and selling the property can take a long time).

I stayed in my parents’ house while completing this task and doing so is not only allowable and appropriate, nothing else would have been manageable, since my parents did not live in my area. It was a very difficult job. Often I would work from the crack of dawn until being overcome with exhaustion. The unraveling of my parents’ lives was overwhelming, back breaking and emotional. I was not working in a job at the time, but if I had been, this task would have been even more destructive to me and my family. Even packing up an efficiency apartment can be a physically challenging and tearful task.

My parents chose me for this job, so I fulfilled their request. If, however, someone else would have been chosen, I would have gladly stepped aside (or stepped in to help where needed, if requested). I really wish they would have chosen someone else! (Count your blessings if you are not in charge of this seemingly never-ending and emotionally excruciating job).

Go and help. It is a huge job. Helping may make you feel closer to your surviving family members. (If you are not willing or able to help…. don’t complain about those who are actually doing the work).

No amount of items and/or money, are worth destroying a family. Even if you have no relationship (or no interest in continuing a relationship) with this brother, initiating legal proceedings or aligning family against him will also destroy you.

Whether it is the blue bowl on the dining room table, or the dining room table itself that you want, let the executor know of your request. Remain flexible and understand that you may not be able to get everything you desire.

When I asked people what they wanted, I heard crickets. I was frustrated because I needed this information to proceed. Later they began to fight over things. How aggravating! In accordance with the laws of my parents’ residential state, any disputes over a physical item were resolvable with a toss of the coin. Fortunately, these family members were able to compromise over the “stuff” and we never had to resort to tossing the coin.

If it’s material objects you seek, you can find endless memorabilia on eBay. Even if those plates aren’t specifically your grandmother’s very own plates, but merely the same china pattern, such a substitute may fill a hole in your heart.

Nothing can replace your parents. Honor them. As a parent myself, I’m guessing your parents wouldn’t want their kids squabbling over minutiae.

After all, money and things should never be more important than people.
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If you are your best self, you will have the family that you want to have when this is over.
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Id get a hidden cam/s, and put it on the property. That way you know what is going on. Tell no one.
And you might want to get a title lock so no one can steal the title to the house and put it in their name.

Why would no one know where the will is? Who was her poa? That should have been found months ago. It might be in a po box.
Sometimes the person doing the caretaking decides they should be entitled to everything bc they sacrificed. Wrong. Doesn't work that way.
Is your brother poa? He might have thought changing the locks was a way to secure the assets. If he is executor then he is technically doing the right thing. Your supposed to secure assets 1st thing. Might not be doing anything wrong there.
Even if he moves in day 3 after the funeral; if it is not in the will, he has no rights to do that. And he must buy you out, or sell the house. And Id make him pay rent if he lives there. He's not getting a free property. There are laws.

Make sure you get her accounts locked down first thing and don't forget the pension if she had one. Or any other benefits. Notify them. They will also not tell you what money is in the account. I think they legally have to stay quiet about that. My sibling did not tell the banks my dad passed, and I found out he was still getting a pension for several yrs!!! I called and told them to close it. They were in shock as much as I was.

And I probably got someone fired at the bank, bc it is a person's actual job there, to scour national newspapers to find death notices, and lock down accounts. I found that out from my lawyer. And when I went to the bank with the proper paper work to reopen the account, the bank manager was ticked off. She and another associate were making several phone calls because the account had been open all that time.

So even with a lawyer you will still have to do a lot of detective work. They don't know anything, but what you tell them. So there is a lot you might have to dig and find out, and be a detective. Your gut instinct is never wrong. I should have listened to mine.

If there is no will, you have to go to court and claim there is none. Id get there first with your lawyer. It looks better. The court decides who will be Administrator. The word Executor means there is a will. The word Administrator signals to the court/lawyers there was no will. I kept saying I was executor, and my lawyer corrected me, and said I must use that word, not executor.
AND if there is a will and he is executor, you are entitled to answers. Not just silence while he (may, we dont know) pilfer the property. That is why you need a lawyer. He can't hide things then. I am still regretting not getting a lawyer sooner, bc I felt like I was destroying the family. No I wasn't my sibling did that. I found out my sibling not only resented me, but hates me. That had been simmering for decades. She wanted to make sure I got absolutely nothing. So getting a lawyer was the best thing I did. I destroyed nothing. There was no family there to destroy. It was gone with the death of the parent. But now at least I am getting something, rather than nothing, and I also get answers. I could not get them before. I am over feeling guilty. Do not feel guilty. You must stand up for yourself. If you know shady things are going on, your brother declared war on you, not by you. G.luck

In the interim, Id also make a list of items that may not be included in the will. I always thought wills were like on tv. They listed, a diamond engagement ring, the couch, tea set etc. No they don't. They might just say my children get 50/50 of my assets and nothing more. So if someone stole the china and tea set, what asset was that? It's not listed in the will. Prove it was ever there. Good luck if its stolen. Investment portfolios or bank accounts are not listed either. Not in my case.
Get a list together while it is fresh in your head. It will give the lawyer some leverage. They will have to come to court and bring tho
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Angelica357 Jul 2022
Yes.., my sister doesn’t want me to get anything as well. They are toxic and we should not feel guilty for their wrong doings! They are angry .. who cares.. we have legal rights.
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom.

If your mom had no will and did not say who would get the home (in writing) your brother would have to Probate to change the deed, if would want to sell.

Also, if mom had any outstanding debts, creditors have a certain time to file to be paid, which would hold up things until they are satisifed.
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You don't offer any insights as to why your brother is behaving this way; is he angry with you for any reason? Have you asked to see her will? I believe you can go to a county office (not sure which one- Registrar of Wills?, Probate?)) to see if a will had been filed with them. Did you offer to help clean up and clean out? Did you have a list of which items you are interested in (including family pictures).

An estate planning attorney may give you more insight into this situation, especially if mom died intestate. If brother is supposed to be splitting everything equally, then some sort of "cease and desist" order may be needed to start the process equitably. If you keep just to facts, according to the laws in her state, then you should be able to complete the task without animosity.

We had a "big brother" issue who assumed he was in charge of everything: we had to get an attorney to send him a letter that described the intestate laws..........he changed his behavior right away.
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Angelica357 Jul 2022
I agree.. we need insight on the family dynamics.

My oldest sister is mad at me because I caught her stealing money from my parents.., so she hid a lot of stuff from me.

I talked to my dad after mom passed and he keeps information away from me too. My sister poisoned his mind.

yet, my mom and dad created a living trust before she died.

my lawyer told me to stay focus on myself and when dad passes.. we will look at the trust and contest if necessary.

my family dynamics are horrible!

at the end of the day.. I control myself.. give to God to handle the rest!
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Her lawyer may have the will in his office. My lawyer said he keeps his clients' in a safe. So check there if you have a name.good luck.
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