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Ah the holidays. My family celebrates Easter so I spent the day with them and didn't yell, shockingly. I sure cried when I got home. I have found this forum to be lifesaving and saw that someone asked what happened to me. I didn't realize you were supposed to follow up. In short, I called APS and they said, "Oh well," so I have been practicing loving detachment since December. Some days it works, some days are harder. I do have one question that I could use some help with. On Easter, I had to watch my 82 year old mom, who has reluctantly agreed to night help but really needs 24/7 help, "manhandle" my father, with stage 5 Parkinsons, more than I've been witnessing in the last few months. My dad often freezes, as is expected. It's very, very hard for him to stand up from a seated position. He froze several times on Sunday. My sister and I tried to lift him, but we're not big enough, and frankly, it's scary. We don't know the proper techniques! I don't want to send him tumbling! In actuality, I found him too heavy to lift. My sister and I both noticed that when he freezes after sitting for too long, my mom's solution is to (first chastize us for not being as "strong" as her) then grab the top of his pants and yank him into a standing position. He wears diapers. It reminded me of kids doing "wedgies" on other kids. It seemed rough to me, but it did work. But my sister and I later admitted we both thought it was rough. Is my mom physically abusing my dad? Or is this how caregivers help people stand up? It certainly isn't done with a loving tone. I did try again since Sunday to get her to get more help. The conversation was awful so I'm back to grey rocking. I'm wondering: What's a kind way to lift someone vs. a crappy mean way?

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Our PT has instructed me on safe ways to handle my husband with PD. Some days it only takes reminding him to bend over and touch the floor and he can stand and some days it takes a lot more physical effort. Google how to help PD patient stand and there are YouTube videos with varying ways to help. Each PD patient is unique and my need their own customized procedure and even this can change many times. I have never used a gait belt but I hate seeing anyone pulling up another person by their waistband. A visit to his doctor may be in order to see if he needs a medication adjustment and at least a referral to PT and OT for evaluation and advice. Exercise is the best medicine by far... but we all know PD patients still need regular medication.
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Since you suspect mom’s intentions, you should step in and assume care for your father on a regular basis. Many hands make light work and your contribution to the physical and emotional complexity of your dad’s tremendous needs would be a blessing to both parents. No doubt you are younger, stronger and have insight into more appropriate interventions. Step up, put your words into action.

Observing from a distance, free from 24/7 realities is a completely different world form being the only one doing the heavy lifting. (Pun intended). I hope by now you realize I’m being a bit sarcastic; sounds like mom is at caregiver fatigue. Caring for dad is overwhelming her and they BOTH need help, not judgement. If you’re unwilling to assume her role as full time caregiver, then lovingly help them both understand it time for professionals to care for dad. Sounds like it’s killing mom. Placement will provide dad care by skilled professionals with the necessary equipment and mom can go back to being a wife. Be there, encouraging every step of transition as it will be emotional for them. Your parents need a life line. My heart goes out to them both.
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Beatty May 2023
"I found him too heavy to lift".

Sometimes family can't physically help so other solutions must be found (ie non-family).

Mom will have to accept she cannot do it all. Start a little letting go of control & letting others in.
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A "simple" but effective way to help someone up without the use of equipment is a Gait Belt.
Properly placed it makes it easier for the person to be helped into a standing position. It also help when the person guiding them is walking by their side has a grip on the Gait Belt just for some added support.
I saw caregivers in a facility grab a woman's waistband hand "help?" her up.
while this might be effective it can stretch our the pants and because is is more apt to stretch it does not give the secure hold that a Gait Belt would.
What might make it WAY easier on mom and safer for both mom and dad would be a Sit To Stand. This is a piece of equipment that dad places his feet on a platform. A secure belt is placed around his mid section and looped to the arms of the Sit to Stand. He then hold on to the handles/arms or the equipment and mom raises it up. He stands. She can then move him around the house. To another chair, to the toilet, to bed. She backs him up to whatever he is going to sit or lay on she lowers him unhooks the loops and moves the equipment away and removes the belt.
MUCH safer for both of them.
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It is very difficult to separate parents from each other so before considering placement all other areas of safe care should be explored. In this situation a visit to his physician may help. The physician may order physical and occupational therapy that will help the patient and teach the caregiver how to safely help her husband with mobility. The therapists may also provide any needed equipment and teach the patient and caregiver how to use it so that they remain safe. The disease will progress and other therapies will be needed such as speech therapy to help with eating and swallowing. The caregiver may be experiencing some grief over the loss of her husband's independence, some fear, anger, helplessness over a situation she can't control. She needs someone who can help her express her feelings; help her understand that excepting help does not mean she has failed as a supportive wife.
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Why even mention "physical abuse" when your mother sounds like shes breaking her back doing the best she can to care for your dad????? If she can no longer handle him w/o literally breaking her back, then she will have to hire help or get dad placed in managed care.
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JeanLouise May 2023
100% lealonnie1!
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I always prefered grasping the waistband of a client's pants to get them to stand or transfer. I find it easier than dealing with a transfer belt.
It's time for your father to be out of your mother's care. She's at the end of her rope taking care of him and is too stubborn to admit she needs help with him. Or she's too much of a narcissist to accept thay other people can do "her job" caring for him at least as good as she does. Professional and trained caregivers will do it better than her.
If you're getting nowhere with APS, speak to the police and tell them that you father who is handicapped with Parkinson's is being abused by your mother and you don't know who to speak to because APS is doing nothing.
If your father is still capable of deciding anything for himself, tell him that you will get him away from her and into a managed care facility.
If he refuses, then I would say you should go farther than 'Grey Rock'. Go 'No Rock'. Leave them behind. Let them rot in their own misery. If this is what they want, leave them to it. Don't help, don't offer, don't anything.
It's a positive that your mother agreed to night help coming in. It's not enough though. She needs to be humbled a little more into accepting 24/7 help or placement. This will only come about if she is forced to ask for help.
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Sorry you are going through that. You need to purchase a Gait transfer Belt. You can find them on Amazon or at a drug store that sells medical supplies. They are for lifting and walking with patients that can’t do it alone. You can also call his dr and ask for a Physical therapist appointment at your home and they will show you how to use it. You can’t use it to lift him tho if he is on the floor. So if he takes a fall you need EMS called to do lift him carefully so he isn’t injured more. But the gait transfer belt is very helpful lifting from a chair and guided walking.
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I found grabbing my mom's waistband a tremendous help with her transfers, that's essentially how a transfer belt works (not a gait belt!). You've already seen that it takes a lot more strength than you have to help him so I don't doubt your mother needed to throw her whole body into it, and I'll forgive anybody who is a caregiver full time for someone with high needs for not always sounding loving! And if he's wearing an incontinence product wedgies are pretty unlikely.
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Geaton777 Apr 2023
Yes to this method, been there...done that with my 100-yr old Aunt w/mod-adv dementia. We could walk her from point A to B moving her this way. The belt was less comfortable for her and I found it gave me less control because she wouldn't let me tighten it enough so it just moved around and rubbed her.
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There is equipment to help people stand up. From hospital beds that raise up (to aid sit to stand from edge of bed), recliner chairs that tilt forward, standing machines (motorised & non motorised).

I imagine PD meds need to be timed well to aid movement also. But even with the right equipment & good med management, unfortunately PD will progress.

Your Mother may be relying on her strong will & muscle power. For now. This is her choice - but she is risking injury to herself & also to Dad.

Like yourself, paid caregivers may also balk at 'man-handling'. As well they should! Work-Safety etc.

All I can add is to ADVlSE Mom.
Tell her an OT or PT can advise on equipment to make life easier.

Then stick to your boundaries.
ADVISE them too. Eg I will not be manhandling Dad. I don't care to be shamed for refusing or be bullied about it. I said no.

That's kind of similar to where I am.
- No to manhandling up from chairs.
- No to manhandling out of cars
- No to lifting heavy wheelchairs into cars
"That does not work for me. You will have to find another solution."

Seriously, when I look back at the manhandling my family wanted/expected.. sheesh.. for what? So they can pretend they can do things with 'just a little help', that they can still manage? What nonsense.
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My mom did home health to help with strength and balance for her Parkinson’s disease. It’s best to do occupational and physical therapy together.
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You might look online for videos that show how to transfer someone from one position to another. Usually we PD patients refer to freezing as feeling like your feet are glued to the floor and you can't start or continue walking. There are numerous techniques for being able to break that and start walking again. I've not heard of grabbing someone as you described your Mom's actions. Maybe you can share some videos with her. Getting them to PT would be helpful.
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Google "caregiver gait belt" for a safer solution for lifting him into a standing position.
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