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My wife passed just two months ago after going through several hospitalizations and nursing home stays. The past year her suffering was unimaginable. Now that she's gone I find it difficult to be alone in my home. I think I'm being active to get my mind off her death, but once I'm home the grief starts and to make things worse, I think about my daughter who disowned us about four years ago with no explanation as to why. Attempts to contact her have failed. Not once did she make an attempt to visit her mother. Even after my wife was cremated my daughter made no attempt to contact me or her brother to get details. Both my son and daughter live a few miles from my home. I have been attending grief counseling, but it's not enough. Can someone please help

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Help, two months is a very short time. You are very early in your grief journey and I think it's just not possible to be "over" such a huge loss in so short a period of time.

Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Maybe developing a new "coming home" habit would help.

After my mom died, I hung a very happy picture of her right by my front door. It allowed me to say hello and goodbye each day.

((((((Hugs))))))). And welcome.
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So very sorry to hear this. I lost my husband 12 years ago, there are times that I still have some sadness creep in.

For me, staying busy has helped, volunteering, joining clubs, going to the gym.

As for your daughter, this is quite common place today, not saying I understand or that it is right to cut you out of their lives, but it happens. Most of my friends have one child that does not talk to them, the family unit is very broken today. Have you considered writing her a email or sending her a snail mail card?

I wish you the very best in this difficult time, be patient with yourself, we all grieve differently and there is no time limit.
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Helpthyneighbor Oct 2019
Thank you for responding. I also am trying to get out of the house to find things to do, but when I return home the loneliness starts again. I find myself standing in front of one of her photographs holding our grandson and talking to her which quite often brings on tears. Over the past four years I have sent many emails to my daughter with not one response. Our family is broken, never to be what it once was.
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Some people like to keep things the same following a LO's death. Others like to change everything. I'm a bit of both. While most of the house remained the same, I removed every photo and reminder of the past from the den, even got some new furniture. For a while I needed one retreat with no reminders of what was missing. A pet to interact with can make the house feel less empty too.

Then I focused on having less time alone in the evenings. I invited friends and extended family over once a week for a meal and an evening of movies/cards/chat. I started attending community events like ballgames, outdoor concerts, festivals, and genealogy club gatherings - anything where I had a remote interest.

In time it gets better, one day you will walk through a room and feel only loving reminders. Some days there will still be sadness and the pain of what's missing, but that will come less frequently. As you build your "after" life, one day you will find yourself moving a lamp your LO chose into your den because your don't need a retreat anymore.
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I sometimes think that there is no answer for our grief but time. It does ease and change with time I think, with more happy memories remaining and fewer tough memories. I am so sorry for your loss. Those who have gone through what you are going through might help better. Captain? He's my down to earth realistic. He has been through a lot. He still can find humor in life. And many others here. I know the feeling of "running from depression " fast as you can. But you have sometimes to stop and let it catch you. What works for me in tough times is just to allow myself to feel it, to crumble a while, to curl into a fetal ball of depression. Eventually you do get back up and go on. I am not much a believer in "take a pill for it" but some must in order to build a bridge. I think our grieving is as individual as our thumbprint or a bad back. Unique to us, and unique is the thing that will help you.
As to your daughter, it is surprising that someone cuts off family without giving a clue as to why. And I think that could indicate that this person may not be worth getting back in touch with.
Right now you are desperate for family. If there is a center near you, take some classes, play some games, connect with others so you can share your feelings. You have tried to connect with your daughter. If you continue pursuing this grown woman, she may respond, and the sad truth is that you may be sorry when she does. You have reached out. Now it is in her court.
There seems to be something deep-seated, angry, unforgiving, uncaring going on for her that would not be good to have visited on YOU now. It would divert your attention, but perhaps to disasterous outcome. I am thankful you have your son.
I hope things get better. I hope if you find things that help you will let us know.
I hope things get better.
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Helpthyneighbor Oct 2019
Thank you AlvaDeer for your advise. The things you have brought up about my daughter is so magnified now that my wife is gone. At a time when a family member is ill, that's where the help comes from. This past year I hoped that my daughter would show up and help me by just being there, but it never happened.

Over the course of the last four years my feelings for my daughter has changed numerous times. I would want her back then later I would get so angry at what she did. This back and forth finally stopped this summer. Because there was no hope for my wife, and my daughter knowing it, she still did nothing. At this time I decided to give up trying to get our family back together. I can't except what she has done even though I still love her and miss her. You are right, there's something deep seeded that's affecting my daughter, and that alone is reason to stay away.

I don't know what I would have done without my son's help.He was there so much either at the hospital or nursing home. He and his family is all I have left.
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HTN: Your reply to PandaBear about your daughter's vanishing from your lives, "Not knowing why hurts so much," brings back my mother's anguish after my brother disappeared from her life.

Mom would weep over it. Her wails of "What have I done?" ripped us girls' hearts out. Her pain lasted for years. Thankfully, deep into her dementia caused her to forget. One day, surprisingly, she brought him up. I gently told her that after her husband, our stepdad, passed away 18 years earlier, my brother "borrowed" $6,000 from the life insurance. Brother never came back. It was his cowardice and selfishness to not own up to what he did. Mom considered it and nodded her head. She was gone a week later.

You have much to mourn, HelpThyNeighbor. You've been through an ordeal, and it's not over. There are many reasons (or excuses like my brother) why your daughter chose to distance herself.

Please seek grief counseling, I recommend a group session. Why a group session? That's because of this forum right here. There are people here who are or were in the same boat and have the same issues. Finding you're not alone is immeasurable help. People in that group will have also suffered the loss of a beloved spouse. They may also have a child who chose to distance themselves.

Be good to you. Be gentle with yourself. Try not to focus on your daughter. Focus on the support and love of your son and build that bond between you.
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Helpthyneighbor Oct 2019
Dear MM, Your response is so full of what I have been experiencing. My son gave my daughter updates on her mothers conditions which kept getting worse. And yet knowing how ill her mother was, she never visited her or showed any interest. How can a child do this?

I am going through grief counseling that meets monthly and going to attend a different group once I get the info.

It's difficult not to think about what my daughter has done, it's with me all the time. My wife's passing at this time makes things so much worse.

My son has helped me so much over this past year. I told him some good came from my wife's poor health and her death, it brought he and I much closer.
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HelpthyNeighbor, I'm sorry, and saddened to learn of the grief you're experiencing.    It's always difficult to lose a spouse, but compounded when a member of the family doesn't interact or support the other family members.   I had/have a similar experience.   

I'm going to suggest something perhaps more drastic, not to be harmful, but to place the current situation in context.   Let your daughter go.    Don't continue to attempt contact; it hasn't been successful, probably won't be at this time, and is only causing you more grief and stress.

No one can possibly know what's in her thoughts, even perhaps if she's had major challenges and issues of her own that she doesn't want to share with you or her brother.  And that may have absolutely nothing to do with you or your wife.

I know of someone who was adamant that relatives attend family gatherings at her house, chastising and condemning those who presumably wanted to spend holidays at their own homes.   This criticism was unfortunate, especially when one of the members who wouldn't come died of lung cancer.   

For whatever reasons the relative did not want to share his terminal issues with anyone in the family except his wife.    When he died, his relative still blamed him for not advising her, but w/o realizing that he had his own reasons for not sharing his health challenges.

This is not to infer that any blame is appropriate for you; it's merely to suggest that your daughter may have challenges that she doesn't want to share, whether it's from embarrassment, or as a protective measure.  

And, I don't think you can change anything at this point.   I think it's better to focus on your own healing, and through that, you may reach a point that her absence isn't causing the grief it is now.

One of the side effects of losing my father, after my mother and sister died, was the sense of isolation, of being alone in the world.    I had to reach out to others, starting online, and gradually incorporating events, with the goal of eventually starting a woodworking home business and becoming involved in a charity like one of our other members, who volunteers at a hospital.

Let your grief be released, cherish your wife and cry whenever you feel the need.  There's scientific evidence that crying does address and release stress; there's something in the tears that attests to this.   (Someplace I have links to articles on this).  

Did your wife have specific charities she supported, or was she involved in activities?   One thing I've decided to do is become involved in the local Senior Centers, and in Veteran activities.     I've done volunteer work periodically throughout my adult life and always benefited from it.    Even if you don't volunteer, just getting out and meeting others can be beneficial, for both you and them.

But don't repress your grief; let it out.  

I wish you peace, solace, learning, and personal growth as you approach this challenging aspect of your life.
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Helpthyneighbor Oct 2019
Dear GA, Another suggestion advising me to let my daughter go. I know all of you are giving good advise and I believe that I will at some point do what you suggest. When I read a note such as yours, I have to stop and think why haven't I done this? But I continue to make more grief for myself and I should be paying more attention to my wife's death. I think losing a daughter and then my wife is part of it. And it's not just losing a daughter, it's not knowing how I lost her. As I said in another advise sent to me, I believe once I get my answer I will be able to move on.

Thank you for your saying goodbye, I wish you the same.
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I was thinking exactly what GA suggested "No one can possibly know what's in her thoughts, even perhaps if she's had major challenges and issues of her own that she doesn't want to share with you or her brother. And that may have absolutely nothing to do with you or your wife."

There have been times in my life where things were going on that made me distance myself from my family. A divorce that nobody understood, was one. I can understand that there are many people that do not want to share, intimately, what is very difficult for them in the present. It could be that daughter is having a very difficult time, emotionally, with her mother's death or just about anything. Some people are just very private that way and do not need or want the emotional support.
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Helpthyneighbor Oct 2019
My daughters behavior started way before she walked out of our home. Not visiting, hardly ever calling, etc. We did get together for holidays and birthdays, but there was always something missing. When our granddaughter started playing sports, our daughter would distance herself from us. Something started happening many years before she walked out of our home and her mothers death. I never questioned her because she would become very emotional making a conversation impossible. I agree that something has happened to my daughter, but I know her mothers death is not the cause. In one of my emails to her I said I can only think of two things to make her leave us. The first is blaming us for being poor parents, but numerous cards and letters I found in my wife's closet, written by our daughter, mostly when she was an adult, telling us how much she loves us and telling us she has the best parents a daughter could hope for. My second guess is my daughter inherited her mothers mental illness. This could explain what she did, but without responding I don't know.

I have been given advice to let it go, to stop trying to figure out why my daughter did this and concentrate on myself. It's good advice, but I can't leave it be. Strangely with all the damage she has done I still love her and miss her, but we will never be a family again.
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HTN, One of the things that you've said you wrote in a letter that you had not sent was, "despite breaking the family up, (you) still love (your daughter)." I'd like to make a suggestion from the other side. You see, my mthr was mentally ill in the worst way, and I had to learn how to talk her way in order to communicate. She denied any responsiblity for the problems she caused and, ill or not, I expect your daughter would deny any responsibility for the rift between her and the rest of the family. Instead of saying "despite breaking up the family" or anything that *could* suggest she had anything to do with the rift, skip that. My mthr would see that as an accusation and you'd be cut off before you even started.

If you reach out, I would simply state, "I love you and I'd like to have a relationship. What can I do?" Then you work with a therapist (hers most likely) to grovel to have any relationship, positive or negative.

I decided I had to protect my family from my mthr who was certifiable
(and arrestable). What I looked at was that I had been the best daughter that I could under the circumstances. What you can do is to see that you have been the best dad and granddad under the circumstances. If you can pay to leave letters with your attorney to be delivered to your grandchildren on their 25th birthdays (when parental influence wanes), that might be a way to let them know that their granddad cared about them, wondered about them, and hoped/prayed for the best for them. If I had received something like that from my grandmother (who hoped to keep me away from mthr when I was little) that would have been priceless. As it was, anything my Grammy gave me was destroyed by mthr because of mthr's rage and jealousy. Do what you can as that is all you can do.
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Helpthyneighbor Oct 2019
It's interesting that you suggest being careful not to criticize my daughter in any way because I have my last email that hasn't been sent and it's full of criticism. Your suggestion makes a lot of sense, but I have to think about it. Keep in mind that I'm not looking for us getting back together, too much damage has been done. I just want answers.

When my daughter walked out of our home, her family went with her which included my granddaughter. She like her mother has made no attempt to communicate with me. I suspect her mother has something to do with it even thinking her mom has lied to her. That's why the cards and letters are so important for her to read.

All of this couldn't come at a worse time. It's so distracting. I strongly believe in family being a strength not a weakness.My wife could have used my daughters presence. It would have given her so much happiness, instead she died without my daughters love.
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Help,

I am Catholic as well. I attended Catholic school. I burn candles before or after mass. Consider being added to my prayer requests.

I am so sorry that your wife suffered so much. It doesn’t feel fair at times or we feel that God is sleeping when we are praying. I think it’s natural to question God at times. Even the greatest of prophets questioned God. I do find comfort in my faith. Is my life perfect? Far from it.

Not all prayers are answered but I have to tell you that I have seen miracles that I never expected.

I really wish the very best for you. I’m a parent. I’ve had ups and downs with my kids. We all do! Anyone who says they have a perfect family is lying. You know that. Life isn’t that simple. Life is full of challenges. Somehow we manage in spite of it.

I will leave you with this. I spoke to a nun one day about feeling like I was a hypocrite and losing my faith. She asked me, “Who would you say suffered more than anyone who walked this earth?” I told her, “Jesus.” She said to me, “You’re not a hypocrite. You haven’t lost your faith. You’re depressed. God is collecting every one of your tears in a bottle.” I instantly knew she was referring to the Psalms, 56:8. I have always loved that Psalm.

David was an interesting writer. I often identify with his anguish but also his remorse, his deep passion, his thanksgiving and praise.

You’re Catholic so you know at every mass we have a reading from the Old Testament, Psalms, Gospel and New Testament. We say the Gloria in excelsis Deo which is a beautiful Latin prayer and the Apostles Creed.

They aren’t just words for believers. They mean something. I am glad your wife found comfort receiving communion.

I love the Psalms.
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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2019
Need, I don't mean to contradict you, but ALL prayers from a believer are answered. They are however not always the answer we want. Sometimes we think we know how things should happen, but God knows the end as the beginning and HIS answers are always perfect. Learning to accept HIS will is not always easy.
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Sometimes, there are religious differences that one party cannot accept about the other.
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