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My mom is 74 years old and has congestive heart failure and COPD. She is also in remission from lung cancer and is on pain medication for herniated discs in her back. She constantly battles edema in her legs and belly and has been in the hospital 8 times last year and 3 times so far this year for respitory failure. The fluid fills her lungs and they have to put her on IV's to help diurese her.


I have been her caregiver for the last 6 years and became her paid caregiver last December. She lives with me in my home with my 2 adult sons. We all have income coming in and don't struggle financially (currently). I'm the person who stays home and cleans and cooks and does the laundry for the family as well as the caregiving responsibilities for my mom. Meds, drs appointments, scheduling home health, bathing, shopping etc.


The problem is that she is very manipulative. She is of sound mind and actually has a masters degree in Social Work. She refuses to get out of her recliner and walk or restrict her fluid intake or put her legs up so help keep the fluid out of her legs. It gradually gets worse until she is so bloated she can't breathe and she crashes. I call the ambulance and they always admit her for at least a week.


Last January my eldest son told me that he was taking me to Las Vegas in June. He purchased my plane ticket and set up all of our accommodations. My mom was released from the hospital at the end of April and I told her she needed to do everything possible to stay healthy because I'm leaving for a week. I suggested putting her in a respite home for the week and she refused. My sister offered to let my mom stay with her and my mom declined saying she doesn't need a babysitter. She is totally expecting my other son to take care of her while I'm gone. Hes ok doing this as long as she is stable. The problem is I feel like she has done everything she could to not be ok. Shes been eating a lot of salty food, drinking more fluids then she should be and not walking at all. Her legs are now huge and swollen and they are on the verge of developing cellulitis. I feel like the moment I leave, she's going to have respitory failure and she knows she hasn't done anything to prevent this. I feel angry because I've told her I'm getting burned out and I need a few days for myself. She just makes statements about how much money I'm going to waste going on a vacation. I need advice. Do I still go? Or should I cancel my vacation? My sister said she will check on my mom while I'm gone.

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How was your vacation in Las Vegas? 🎲 Did you and your eldest son have a good time?  🎰 Were you able to relax 🍸 and enjoy yourself?  😊
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Go, go, go! You will be a happier, more patient person when you return. DESERVE is one of the words caregivers never use, maybe because they confuse it with entitled. You have earned every second of some peace of mind, maybe a smattering of joy. As a former ten year caregiver for a difficult person, if I could go back, I'd do it it without a second thought ( and definitely! no guilt.) Hugs to you
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....when you get back from your vacay, I wonder if you can manipulate her with the promise of a day trip? Mom, if YOU do all of your self care, then we can go to X on (pick your day/date).

And I hope you had/are having a fantastic vacation!
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Do not cancel! Your sister can take care of mom. My ma was rushed to the hospital when I went out of town. My friends convinced me to stay and recharge. They made sure I knew everything going on. If you don’t care of you then you can’t take care of her.
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Your mother is manipulative. She is now the queen. First, talk to her and calmly say you must have a break and why. Assure her she will be cared for. Second, if she starts rebelling and being difficult, firmly tell her you are going and if she does not cooperate, she will be placed into a facility while you are going. Do NOT, no matter what happens or what she does, give in to her or NOT go. You MUST go and then go.
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You answered your own question when you stated your mom is manipulative - and that is to go! You need to take time for yourself, regardless of what happens to her. A week is not a long period of time, and if you give in to this, only Heaven knows what she will pull next to control you.

Going on vacation is NOT wasting money, it is taking time for you to re-charge your batteries. If you don't go, you will end up resenting her, and that won't be good for either of you.

Go, even if she lands in the hospital. Turn off you phone while you are gone and don't let what happens at home interfere with your time to take care of yourself.

When my granny was dying, my mother had a trip to Europe scheduled. My granny and mother ended up realizing that my mother needed to go, and made a deal that she would go regardless of what happened at home. It was the best bargain they had ever made because it showed a lot of love and care on my granny's part toward my mother! As it turned out, my granny passed two days before my mother was to leave, but I firmly believe that my mother would have gotten on that plane even if I had to drag her to the airport - she needed time away from the stress!!

So, take care of you first. The rest will fall into place.
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Go you deserve a vacation.
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AndreaE. I sure hope you are on your vacation and enjoying every precious moment!!!! Have fun and let us know when u get back!! We all want to know how much fun you are having, and taking time to destress from the home situation....love and blessings to you!!
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I really don't like the number of people on here criticising the OP for providing "bad food" for her mother and "letting her watch TV" etc. This wasn't what she asked for and she doesn't need a lecture on what mother should be doing. At the end of the day this is what mother wants to do and mother knows perfectly well it will kill her in the end. We shouldn't criticise OP for allowing mother to do what she chooses - she is an adult, she can be advised but then she gets what she chooses. If we have an elderly with dementia they cannot make choices so we make them, but if they are able to make a decision it is not for us to say they cannot do something even if it is bad for them. Clearly "mother" uses this to manipulate OP and THAT is unacceptable, but if kills her then it is her choice of how to go. Take your vacation Andrea and if you want to discuss her lifestyle choices when you get back, but don't put your life on hold for someone who has chosen a self destruction path, it is their right to choose.
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Myownlife Jun 2019
You are exactly right! I have been trying so hard to have my mom who does not have dementia drink some fortified liquids and supplements like boost because she has been dehydrated for so long but after over a month of explaining, re-explaining over and over, I am so tired of her complaining of the taste (tried all sorts of flavors), and that "I'm not thirsty" and all sorts of other excuses, that I am no longer pushing her to take them. She will do what she will do and I cannot be her "mother" any longer.
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For heavens sake - go on your vacation - stand your ground. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you are going. Then give her some choices: someone will be a caretaker and who. Or she can go into a facility. Or whatever other options you have. DO NOT LET HER MANIPULATE YOU. She will destroy you. You don't deserve that and she is doing things that are making her worse. Now it is her problem - not yours. Set up plans in place and GO, GO, GO.
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Yes you should go,you need the break badly. If she winds up in the hospital she will be taken care of. Do not feel guilty about this.
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I bet your mom is sad and jealous that youre getting away to have a good time while she’s not able to leave the ... mental and physical ... situation shes in.

But your body needs to get away to recharge even tho your mind unfortunately probably wont let you rest much.
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Please go on your vacation, else you regret it. You deserve it!
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Have a great time, really! I am glad that you have some support. Kudos to your kids and sister -- they obviously know you need this!

It also kills me that she's in such bad shape when 74 seems so young to me. I know you don't want to end up that way, so it's absolutely imperative that you TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

That said, give the kids and your sister a list of numbers, insurance cards, etc.

If she goes into the hospital, she'll be cared for there as well.
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AndreaE Jun 2019
Thank you and yes it is sad because she's really not that old. And I tell her all the time to get up and walk and put her legs up etc. She doesnt like to listen to me. It's so frustrating. Thank you for the reply. I have decided to go and I know she will be ok. I love the support from everyone who answered me. Thank you again. 🙂🙂
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My mother does the same to me. That’s why I never tell her my plans to do anything. You go, have fun and waste all the money you so desire!
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AndreaE Jun 2019
Haha I love this!! I will do just that! ❤❤🙂🙂
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Go on your vacation. Don't even entertain her comments. Just say yes, and it will be the best money I ever wasted.
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AndreaE Jun 2019
That's a great response Haha. Thanks 🙂🙂
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Yes, go! You *must* take care of yourself. Sorry you’re going through this.
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AndreaE Jun 2019
I feel so much better with all of the support from everyone. It has really uplifted my spirits and I thank you.
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by all means, 100% go.you desrve time away we all do. next month im flying out to California despite my grandmother has been in the nursing home. I will communicate with the staff there that I will be going for a few days. in case they need to contact me. hopefully nothing happens on a weekend trip out there. when she was at home she hated that I went on trips. she would think the worst would happen. she got angry with me after my trip to Texas 3 years ago. A month after I was there, the city of Houston flooded not Harvey. I told her if it was bad I wouldn't go.
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Ok, AndreaE has already announced a few hours ago that she is going on her vacation with her son! Awesome!!! Enjoy!!!!!
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You are her crutch ... what does anyone do to keep their crutch? - much like your mom does - she seems to be dependant on you but however you do the shopping, etc so cut out her salty items, restrict her fluids to the appropriate levels so that she won't crash when you are gone - let everyone know she is on a restricted diet for the time being as she can't be trusted to make decisions about her diet

STOP ENABLING HER  with buying inappropriate foods - if she wants them then she must organize it herself .... meaning she will need to get up & go to the store and/or pay someone to pick things up for her - make sure family members aren't doing so either - so she needs to get an outside source to do this - call the taxi people that she may not have the money to pay for pick up & delivery so that they will only do so when she ponies the money up front - more than this you can't do

Have a nice break & don't forget to have your hair, nails & a massage done - kudos to your son for organizing it for you - go & turn off your cell phone so that she can only contact you by the front deck
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GO on your trip! Do your best to have her set up before you leave, then go and let go of it and relax and have fun. You will probably have some b.s. to deal with BUT please take the trip.
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it is so hard to be a caregiver. Please keep in mind that maybe your mother feels very safe with you and that this is her way of telling you that she is nervous. You should ABSOLUTELY go on your vacation. Kindly and calmly tell you mother that just like you take care of her, it is also very important to take care of yourself. Go and have a wonderful time. #circleoflife
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Burned out! I totally understand your situation, yes, I think you should talk to your mom about it and reassure her that your not leaving her alone with Family and how much you love her, and that you are doing everything for her because you honor your mom. The hardest part is saying mom please don't be mad at me for needing some rest and need this rest so you don't get sick because your exhausted...I'm sure she will understand that, she may not like it at first but you need to do this. I am a caregiver for my mother she and I do talk we went through the same and when I came back from my mini vacation...she was happy for me, and we appreciate your each other so much more!
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Your mom’s sx are very much like my mom’s. I’m currently in Fl & she is in respite care for10 days. I told her, despite her complaining, that she had no choice. She’s called me every day & complains about everything there, I don’t care!!!! She is headed for LTC & she knows it. It won’t do her any good to complain. She’s in my home & she’s made life miserable.
Make the plans for respite, she will be fine there, don’t let her control you, you have to have this break!!! Enjoy!!
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Teri4077 Jun 2019
May I ask what you pay for respite care, Lostinva? I'm going to have to make arrangements for my mom soon and would like to know what is reasonable. Her current AL facility offers respite care for $150 a day, which sounds reasonable to me. Her LTC $ will be out in a few months and I'll be moving her in with me. It's at that point I will need to be able to pay for respite care when I have to be out of town, as I'm one of those people whose sibs don't help.
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Also, God will call her home when her number comes up wether you go or not.......goooooooooooooooo!
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Yes she absolutely is due to fear? Go! Just go! She will be well cared for! You will be a better care giver if you take care of yourself f I r s t! She is scared of you not being there, she is angry she is failing, she is scared.....its normal. You cannot change her or what is to be.....even if she fails while you are away. I am so sorry been there done that.....my mom died in 2015 at four weeks a from 101 and I still find myself thinking I shoulda, coulda....when in truth I did the best I knew how. I would say my bro was on for 2 days her very capable favorite child...when I had 103 fever and ..and she would get so angry I was stressing him...on and on. Love is not nasty, selfish or demanding.........you are such a wonderful soul, practice no guilt, it is not easy.....but learn now. Look in the mirror love and be kind to that amazing, wonderful, caring woman.....please!
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Go, go, go!!!! And remind me to do the same when I am in this position. Just getting ready to move Mom in with me.....
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TaylorUK Jun 2019
Don't - if you once start then you have all the years and decline to look forward to. Get someone to go into her and let her stay in her own property.
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WOW! I don't even know where to start... Hmmmmm. Well it seems like your mom does not want to get better and try to live a healthy lifestyle that is good for her in her condition and less stressful on you. She is trying to get sick and in/out of hospital. But then you are enabling her to do so. If she is not walking then she is getting that food and drinks somehow. I am not sure what I should say to that! I think it will be better for all of you guys to seek for a good home for her where she can get the care she needs.

You need to go on your vacation, enjoy it to the fullest and turn your phone off. We all need a vacation from our daily lives sometimes and we all deserve to enjoy it. You should leave your sister and son in charge of your mom and everything will be as it is meant to be. Good luck!
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Go! Go! Hire someone to help if necessary. Don't let her manipulate you! I would be angry if my mother was trying to manipulate me like she is doing to you.
She'll probably still be there when you get back, and staying home won't change a thing. You have little say or control over what people do unless they are incompetent, but you do have control over yourself. She's trying to do the guilt trip on you! Don't allow it! Take a vaycay!
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Andrea, don’t count on Mom listening to you...she will eat whatever she wants & not think that it’s going to destroy her health..so I suggest you put her in respite care place & have brother check up on her while you’re away. Please do this for yourself as you deserve it 🤗
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