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You should definitely go, you need a break and it OK to have one. Your son offered to watch her and he is an adult he is more than capable. Maybe you sister could actually come to visit. It's normal to be upset and guilty. It sounds like you have good support. Trust them. Enjoy yourself.
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GO! In casual conversation ask your mom what would do if YOU died? Stress kills.
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Of coarse you go, don't let her manipulate you. Let your sister take over, she will handle the situation. Guilt is a self imposed emotion, don't go down that path. Enjoy your vacation with your son, it is so nice of him to pay for this vacation!
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The answer is she should go into respite. If she won't or can't get well enough for you to comfortably leave her in the care of your son, she should go into respite care while you're away. Hopefully, respite will allow for her to be well when you get back. You don't need to be handling an emergency the moment you return. In fact, I would suggest you keep her in respite for a couple days more after your return. Your son's assignment will be to visit her daily while she is there.
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GO!
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FIRST...quit telling your mother about how you feel and what you are going to do.

SECOND...Remain cool, without emotion and with "a matter of fact" attitude, calmy remind her that she knows what she has to do to maintain her health as best possible. That if she does contrary then she will just have to be transported by ambulance to the hospital...again!

THIRD...It's important that you take your week vacation. You need it. Strange as it may sound, so does your mother.
Your sister can call an ambulance if need be. But I think your mother will give serious thought and be just fine.
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You need go on your Vacation (no if ands or buts)
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We were in your position recently. We went! We wrote up instructions for caregivers and for mom and dad. If they had any issues they were to call BIL. We blocked their calls. BIL lives in a Virginia, we live In texas. We told them if they couldn’t find something ask the aid that was with them. If they had other issues, call BIL. Oldest son was back up for if something needed to be done here, he would take care of it. We were gone for 7 days and it was wonderful!!!!! We did not call to check on them. We trusted that if they needed us my BIL or son would call us. It gave us a much needed respite and the sun/sand were healing to the soul!
GO! Block her number on your phone. Put your sister in charge. If she has to go to the hospital, let sister handle it.
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AndreaE Jun 2019
Thanks! That is exactly what I have done too. I hope I have as much fun as you did. 🙂🙂
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AndreaE,

AFTER you come back from your vacation, talk to all of us on here about what you did, what shows, etc. and how much fun you had, so we can be your support! From the sound of it, your mother won't care and would probably be very negative about it. Hold onto your enjoyment inside and share with all of us!!!
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Murphy24 Jun 2019
Here here! I love you post!!
AndreaE- go on your trip!
Have a wonderful time. Take in everything, eat delicious food, rest, and don’t take any stress with you!! Praying for a blessed and care-free trip for you, with ZERO guilt and worry! :D
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Absolutely by all means go. She has people that will keep an eye on her and if she needs to go to the hospital they will take care of that too . She knows the drill if she has to go in to get stabilized. You need this time for you, in order to be able to continue caring for her.
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Don't let her sabotage your trip.
Of course she doesn't want you to go.
Her fear is talking. Understandably.
You can be compassionate and set boundaries (= enjoy yourself!)
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Go! You are a separate person from her and have your own needs to be met and life to live! Tell her that no from her is no longer an answer for she needs to make her mind up about which good option to do. Her son does not need to be taking care of his mom.
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Go! You are a separate person from her and have your own needs to be met and life to live! Tell her that no from her is no longer an answer for she needs to make her mind up about which good option to do. Her son does not need to be taking care of his mom. Also, she's using her masters in social work against you. Stop being manipulated!
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Yes. Go. Your sister saud she'll keep an eye out on her. Your one son says he'll care for her. Her welfare is covered. If something happends they are capable of getting her the care she needs. Or..put her in respite care. Either is good. If you do not go you will be needing care sooner than lately yourself. Your Mom trusts you and feels safest with you, but....you've heard it before....you cannot take care of others if you don't take care of yourself. It's not selfish to do so.
Have a great time. Bless both your sons and your sister.
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Wow! I am so grateful for the outpouring of support I've received from this site. I know each and every one of you have been in, or are currently in a similar position as I am. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I am going to go and have fun and I pray that everyone reading this can also do something for themselves even if it's just a small thing. You are all wonderful caring and compassionate people to do what you do. Don't ever forget that. ❤❤
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Maryjann Jun 2019
As others have said, I hope you have a good time. Money spent on a well-deserved vacation is NOT wasted!
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"We'll do what the doctors think best?"

Your mother eats crap and retains water and makes herself ill? And then if a doc says "you know, she could go any time" you'll cancel your trip?

For 4.5 years, we were all aware that my mom, with CHF and a bunch of other comorbidities, could go at any time. I treated each visit as though it might be the last. If she had died when I was in Paris, in Florence, in Maine or in Florida (she was in Connecticut) I would not have felt a shred of guilt.

My mom was in a NH because she was sick enough that she needed professional care and a diet managed by dieticians (it sounds as though your mom would be better suited there as well).

I think it's very much time for you to give some serious consideration to the stress that your mother's care is causing your family.

Maybe I sound mean to you, but this was the ethos that my mom brought us up with...we don't do deathbeds ( at least not rushing to them dramatically, or cancelling plans). We care everyday in a way that leaves us no guilt.
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Stressed123456 Jun 2019
The last person who should make her decision is the doctor., they are not skipping vacas
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Without reading all the responses I will just tell you my experiences. First of all take your vacation! My friend was in Skilled Care for 2 1/2 years and I would run(!) to my home in FL every 2-3 months for a week. I was a 7 day caregiver for him even in SC. 7 hours a day so I needed a break every so often. I saw this in many people there. The residents all have a sixth sense about when you a planning to go away. And they all seem to go down hill just before you go. That’s part of their makeup. So go and have fun. Just remember if some thing did happen while you were gone, then it was her time and there is nothing that you can do about it. Also remember be proud of what you have done for the last years of her life and be at peace with your self. Meanwhile, put a nickel in a machine for me!
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It's now June, so I hope and trust your plans go through. How your son must look forward to seeing his generosity rewarded! The mom is v.v. smart and sounds well-supported, so she's not hurting in any way except that she's hurting herself. I hear you on her being "non-compliant" as the VA calls Spouse re eating, smoking, and drinking. It's hard to see and oh my, those ambulance visits every so often I remember well from Step-Dad's COPD requiring my mom to bewail his non-stop smoking despite it all. He'd sit on their front porch awaiting the ambulance, smoking.
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Go on your trip it's paid for already enjoy you need it your son and sister is there don't worry about anything.
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Yes - You still go - unless you're looking for an excuse not to go away.
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Go on your trip with your very thoughtful son. Enjoy every minute so you'll have fond memories to recall on the hard days. If anything were to happen to your mom, it sounds like you have very capable people to deal with it. Call and check in on her if it eases your mind but don't let her ruin your vacation with guilt. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You more than deserve a break.
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Of course she does not want you to go. You both have a routine that she is used to and she doesn't want change. Go on the trip and enjoy your time.

Since she is already doing things that will flare up her issues, (and her mind is good) just tell her and the son who agreed to help her - if you continue with these things and it gets out of control, Son will be calling an ambulance to get it back under control.

The other conversation is for every day living: She must put her legs up to relieve the fluid build up. She must start walking a set number of times per day. If she's not doing all that much walking, someone else is bringing her the salty food and the excess fluids she drinks. Stop. Find her no salt snacks and retrieve those for her. Get one of those hospital water cups with measurement/lid/straw - show her how much per day she will drink by the measurements. Point blank ask her why she does these things when they will kill her or land her in a nursing home where she clearly does not want to be. Explain that you will not help her kill herself and that when she reaches a point she cannot walk at all, home caregiving is going out the window. Look for alternative snacks (because everyone wants a little something during the day) and push the excercise. (You might take her to dr before you leave and see if he will Rx home health OT/PT care a few times a week to mitigate the swelling)
Have fun on your trip - just make it clear to stay home son to call ambulance if she creates more health problems. Deal w/that when you get back.
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Having you present 24/7/365 works for her. Your household has an established way of doing things, which supports her desire to do nothing. Have you considered getting rid of the television she is parked in front of to watch??, She has an obese deadly routine that takes a very long time to establish, so she doesn't want to change anything. I had to remove ALL televisions from my home; it was amazing how quickly things changed, no more anger, depression or endless days sitting watching a box.

She refuses to walk, and obtains food somehow; how is she obtaining that edema enhancing stuff??? Based on your post, she is exercising whatever control she's permitted. It sounds as if nobody is capable of hoisting her upright onto her feet. So because she is allowed, she will continue to behave in that unhealthy manner, until she dies. You're in a catch-22. Go on that vacation, while vacationing, don't directly contact her. Have you considered a nursing home, which might better be equipped to address the edema, and her refusal to move?
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Andrea, don’t count on Mom listening to you...she will eat whatever she wants & not think that it’s going to destroy her health..so I suggest you put her in respite care place & have brother check up on her while you’re away. Please do this for yourself as you deserve it 🤗
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Go! Go! Hire someone to help if necessary. Don't let her manipulate you! I would be angry if my mother was trying to manipulate me like she is doing to you.
She'll probably still be there when you get back, and staying home won't change a thing. You have little say or control over what people do unless they are incompetent, but you do have control over yourself. She's trying to do the guilt trip on you! Don't allow it! Take a vaycay!
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WOW! I don't even know where to start... Hmmmmm. Well it seems like your mom does not want to get better and try to live a healthy lifestyle that is good for her in her condition and less stressful on you. She is trying to get sick and in/out of hospital. But then you are enabling her to do so. If she is not walking then she is getting that food and drinks somehow. I am not sure what I should say to that! I think it will be better for all of you guys to seek for a good home for her where she can get the care she needs.

You need to go on your vacation, enjoy it to the fullest and turn your phone off. We all need a vacation from our daily lives sometimes and we all deserve to enjoy it. You should leave your sister and son in charge of your mom and everything will be as it is meant to be. Good luck!
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Go, go, go!!!! And remind me to do the same when I am in this position. Just getting ready to move Mom in with me.....
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TaylorUK Jun 2019
Don't - if you once start then you have all the years and decline to look forward to. Get someone to go into her and let her stay in her own property.
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Yes she absolutely is due to fear? Go! Just go! She will be well cared for! You will be a better care giver if you take care of yourself f I r s t! She is scared of you not being there, she is angry she is failing, she is scared.....its normal. You cannot change her or what is to be.....even if she fails while you are away. I am so sorry been there done that.....my mom died in 2015 at four weeks a from 101 and I still find myself thinking I shoulda, coulda....when in truth I did the best I knew how. I would say my bro was on for 2 days her very capable favorite child...when I had 103 fever and ..and she would get so angry I was stressing him...on and on. Love is not nasty, selfish or demanding.........you are such a wonderful soul, practice no guilt, it is not easy.....but learn now. Look in the mirror love and be kind to that amazing, wonderful, caring woman.....please!
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Also, God will call her home when her number comes up wether you go or not.......goooooooooooooooo!
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Your mom’s sx are very much like my mom’s. I’m currently in Fl & she is in respite care for10 days. I told her, despite her complaining, that she had no choice. She’s called me every day & complains about everything there, I don’t care!!!! She is headed for LTC & she knows it. It won’t do her any good to complain. She’s in my home & she’s made life miserable.
Make the plans for respite, she will be fine there, don’t let her control you, you have to have this break!!! Enjoy!!
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Teri4077 Jun 2019
May I ask what you pay for respite care, Lostinva? I'm going to have to make arrangements for my mom soon and would like to know what is reasonable. Her current AL facility offers respite care for $150 a day, which sounds reasonable to me. Her LTC $ will be out in a few months and I'll be moving her in with me. It's at that point I will need to be able to pay for respite care when I have to be out of town, as I'm one of those people whose sibs don't help.
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