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My Dad has dementia and now can't hear. I know my mom is struggling but so far won't let me help. They live off the grid. I watch things get worse and tell her, i'm here when she's ready but she says she will take care of things. i dont know how to get her to accept help without making her mad. I told her i would just send her OTC hearing aids as a starting off point because they live so far from everything. It will take her months to get in for a hearing test and then fitting and the a refit that should have been done a year ago. same for a any medication or test for his dementia. i get that this isn't the best way but a year ago they would not consider an appointment so now they are getting farther behind. Their hearing loss and his dementia didnt happen over night. so frustrated and lost but being respectful is killing me.

"They live off the grid".

Are they the sort of folk a social worker may write "fiercely independant" in their notes?

Maybe they are living just how they wish to?
Aging in place. Alone. Despite the hardships. Despite all risks.
Avoiding change.

Sometimes it takes a crises to FORCE change.

Often a fall of some sort, but can be anything eg a medical emergency (stroke), illness (Covid), a house situation (storm damage, bills forgotten: power cutoff) etc.

Change may include having to move temporarility (hospital, rehab) or permanently (into a care facility).

Will they be any safer?
Will they be any happier?

Alostnavigator, maybe you will be joining the club? (I've been a member quite a while now..)
*The awaiting a crises club*
Welcome.
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Reply to Beatty
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Anxietynacy Jul 21, 2024
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Seniors with worsening health conditions who refuse needed help leave us with two undesirable choices. One is to report the situation to Adult Protective Services and have a caseworker come evaluate what is necessary. Often has the side effect of making you the enemy. The other is to wait until an event to happen (and it always does) that forces change. No fun at all to wait for, lots of feeling helpless. This seems to be where you are, unfortunately. Keep in touch with mom, this may overwhelm her at some point. Good that she knows your care and concern
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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In the meantime - do they have their legal affairs in order? Wills, Living Wills, POAs?
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Reply to YaYa79
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alostnavigator, welcome to the forum.

Your Dad really needs to see an Ear, Nose & Throat doctor to see if in fact he is losing his hearing or if wax has harden in his ear. If it is a harden wax, a hearing aid won't help. Even if it takes months for your Dad to see this doctor, it will be worth it.
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Reply to freqflyer
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If your parents are already living off the grid, and I'm assuming they have for a while. I can only imagine how hard that will be for you to get them the help they need.

This is the way they choose to live, you may have to accept that and just let the marbles fall where they may.

Trust me I know how hard that is, most of us here understand.

I imagine when there is an emergency you will here from one or the other.

Welcome to the forum, best of luck
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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You may have to accept the fact that you can't help. Your parents live off the grid and chose that lifestyle for a reason. You trying to force care upon dad will only alienate you from them if they don't want it. And, it's not like there's some miracle drug or cure out there for dementia anyway that dad's missing out on, there isn't. The only thing I can think of for you to do is to send dad a set of OTC hearing devices with a high rating from Amazon. That way, mom can help him TRY them out, or not. But you'll know you tried.

Then sit back and wait for The Phone Call that some crisis has occurred. That's all you CAN do. Most of us know the drill, unfortunately.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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How “off the grid” are they?
Does she shop for groceries? Have a landline phone? A cell phone? Electricity? A computer and the internet? Do they get social security checks? Have Medicare? Do they own their home?
How is your mom’s physical and mental health?

Do they ever go to the doctor or dentist?

I wish you peace in coping, however it unfolds. It sounds very stressful. I wonder whether your dad is at risk of causing problems. When my dad had dementia, before he got on the right meds, he was climbing on the roof in the middle of the night, disconnecting the water pipes, prying the thermostat off the wall, all kinds of crazy and unsafe things.

How Far from them do you live? Do you have any siblings or other relatives? Are there neighbors or friends nearby them whom you know?
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Reply to Suzy23
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