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This is my first post. Please forgive me if I sound ridiculous. My mother who has undiagnosed dementia lives in AL. She wants to come to my house to make king cakes for a party at the facility. Enough for 60 residents and their families!! She won’t be able to do this. I refuse to do a marathon bake off. There are no bakeries in town and where we live Walmart doesn’t carry king cakes. I checked on line and the cost of ordering cakes is way out of line. She has always entertained and was very good at it. It was her time in the sun. Unfortunately now she she has forgotten how to cook and bake. In fact hadn’t cooked in a few years. When at home lived on sandwiches and cereal. I had her for dinner and she wanted to make the mashed potatoes. She couldn’t remember and it broke her heart. So what do I do?

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I haven't a clue as to what a King Cake is? would it be beyond the realm to consider 'helping her' with this.

I guess I am used to baking for 30 people (the whole family) and so making a couple of cakes wouldn't faze me--but these might be super special? IDK!

Do you have family who can help out? I am a little befuddled by this. No offense meant!
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sp19690 Feb 2023
Why do we have to indulge the whims of the senior? The OP doesnt want to bake cakes to feed 60 people. Just saying no to mom should be enough. My post about health hazards and commercial kitchens may be the out the OP needs if she cant say no to mom.
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Heres what I'd do. I'd go to Wal Mart or somewhere or bake 5 Bundt cakes. Then get some trinkets you and mom can push down ( or up from underneath) into the cake.

Tell her you're waiting for the serviceperson to show up to fix your broken stove. Here's the solution mom.

Good luck.
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sp19690 Feb 2023
It sounds like putting things in cake and feeding it to residents could be a health hazard. Can you imagine someone choking on one of these trinkets when they take a bite or cracking a tooth. Talk about a lawsuit. Most assisted livings serve cake and have mardis gras parties.
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Tell her the assisted living doesnt allow residents or family members to bring food in for all the residents that is not prepared in a commercial kitchen because it would be a health code violation.
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JoAnn29 Feb 2023
That is a good one.
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I’m sorry, I should elaborate on King cakes. They are a yeast bread rolled with a filling made of cream cheese, nut mix etc. decorated with icing and sparkles of green purple and gold. Made into a circle.Mardi Gras cake . There would only be me and my Mom. She has no strength can’t perform adls any length of time. Fatigues so easily. Plus she gets very agitated very easily. This would take all day and I mean ALL day. We are talking 10 of these puppies. I think too, I’m upset with the idea of the cost to her not including all the time to shop and bake. I’m new to this AL and didn’t think this would be expected. For Christmas I bought and wrapped 40 boxes of candy for her to give the staff per her request. I see a pattern developing here. Lol
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sp19690 Feb 2023
Time to stop the pattern now. I would have refused when she wanted to buy 40 christmas presents and have each one wrapped.
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My sister said just tell her no. I needed to here this from all of you. Lol. I have a problem with pleasing her. Thank you!
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Just say, “Mom, I just can’t possibly do that this year. Maybe next year.”

Then, repeat.

Keep your boundaries. You’ll get a LOT of practice! 🤣
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I don't have much to add sorry, besides a kind No, not today.

See if you can Google the old TV show (Australian) Mother & Son. Episode: The Lamingtons.
It might give you a laugh.

I'll try to add a link.
https://youtu.be/e733UOD_NgM
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I don't have much to add sorry, besides a kind No, not today.

See if you can Google the old TV show (Australian) of Mother & Son. Episode.: The Lamingtons.
It might give you a laugh 😜😅😭

I'll try to add a link.
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You use little "fiblets" as they're called in the world of dementia.
1. I'm sorry my stove isn't working right now, and we're waiting on a part.
2. The facility won't allow king cakes because they don't want someone to choke on the little baby inside.(that one's probably true, and not a fiblet)
3. I just don't have the time in my schedule right now for all that baking, but why don't we go to the store and buy some cupcakes in Mardi Gras colors?
4. The facility said they would prefer little cupcakes that can just be picked up and they don't want to have to worry about having to slice up a cake and plate it.

You get the idea. Good luck.
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Thanks again for your responses. Idk what a juggling act caring for my mom was going to be. I have a feeling it’s going to be quite a ride. I’m trying to have fun with this journey of ours. (Mom and me) Sometimes, as you know so well it’s a mess. It’s always the little things like this I flounder. Give me a medical emergency any day. That’s easy.
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Sorry Mom, I don't let anyone cook in my kitchen.

Do you think the AL expects this? They don't, this is probably all Mom. Don't give her any excuses, just say "No Mom its not possible" Maybe talk to the Nurse and ask her to tell Mom there is no need for King Cakes.

Just thinking, yeast bread. You have to let it rise, punch it down, fill and form your circle, rise again and bake. Even one is a lot of work.
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Nope. The baby is a huge choking hazard, and she wouldn't want the "old people" (since she's not one of them, I'm sure) to choke.

Also, if she has dementia, she should be in memory care not AL. They handle all the stuff AL does plus the parties and events, too. MC is a party every day if you pick the right one.
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againx100 Feb 2023
I don't think MC is appropriate for every person diagnosed with dementia. As I'm sure you know, dementia is a continuum, starting with rather mild symptoms and progressing at some varying speed to more and more less mild symptoms. My mom was diagnosed with dementia a year ago and she would NOT fit in at the MC in her facility. She fits in AL with extra help, for now. I know memory care is in her future (unless her body fails faster than her mind).
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How many times do we need to repeat that “NO!” is a complete sentence? “HELL, NO!” might be even clearer! All this kerfuffle, when one should just ignore a ridiculous request like this.
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I suspect that your Mom offered to make King cakes when she found out that they were not having them. If the facility is like the one my Mom is in, and every public school that I'm familiar with, they don't allow home baked goods at these massive get togethers. There always is the chance of someone having an allergic reaction due to special diet, and the facility or school would have a lawsuit on their hands. In addition, as someone else pointed out, king cake would be a huge choking hazard for the residents.

I would talk to the head nurse and tell them what your Mom wants to do. Maybe your Mom can contribute in a way that does not include food, or once you see the bigger picture, your Mom can decorate her own room for the celebration. Make sure that you clear it with the Head Nurse or Activities Director first, as you don't want to have your Mom do something that would get in the way of their plans.

To get your Mom on-board, after you know the options, then I would talk to Mom. It sounds like you have a good relation with her. If she gets all "huffy" about it, then offer to make an appointment for you, her and whomever is best to discuss this with her from the facility so that she can see that you are not bluffing.

If she uses a walker or a wheelchair, decorating the walker or wheelchair is a something you can do to celebrate the day. On the other hand, if you really don't want to do anything, then just own the decision and tell your Mom that you don't want to do anything.
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Do what many do for weddings.
1 King cake made by you and mom.
Order a pastry or even a cake and have it decorated with Purple, Gold and Green. That can be cut and served to the residents.
Tell mom that due to Health Department regulations foods made in an un approved, un inspected kitchen can not be served at the facility to residents and their families.
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I also had no idea what a king cake is. They use yeast so more than four hours to prepare even a regular size recipe.

https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/8144/mardi-gras-king-cake/

As it turns out, you can buy just about anything online. Here is a place that sells pre baked king cakes with icing kits that one uses to decorate the cakes oneself. (I’m guessing that decorated cakes don’t ship well.)

If Mom has $150 to burn, they’ll ship you six cakes to give 90-120 portions.

https://gambinos.com/shop/king-cakes

Decorating sounds much easier than baking, but the original poster will have to be the judge as to whether it would be fun or frustrating. It looks like each cake has a bag of frosting and three little tubs of color. Would she be content to decorate one and delegate the other five?

If it sounds like a good idea, I imagine one could arrange to have the “baby” shipped with the order rather than baked in.

And verify that the AL will accept the cake. It would be commercially baked and probably best decorated at the AL. Would they charge a fee to serve it?
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2023
Haydel’s is way better than Gambino’s bakery.
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I live in Louisiana. We look forward to king cakes every Mardi Gras season, so I understand your mom’s craving one!

Order one from Haydel’s bakery. They are my favorite!

I send them to my out of town relatives that use to live here in New Orleans.
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Grandma1954 Feb 2023
want me to PM my address?😂
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Whataday, welcome!!

There are NO ridiculous questions, seriously.

Since you seem to be at the beginning of this journey with your mom and since you are the one doing the "heavy lifting", let me point out that is good to remind yourself that you won't always be able to make your mom happy, that "no" is always an okay answer and that sometimes there is no "good" solution to these problems, only the least bad one.

If there is an activities director at the AL, have a chat with her/him and let them know that entertaining was mom's forte. They should be able to tap into the stuff the CAN do and give mom a place to shine. That's THEIR job.

We are in "somber mode" on this board right now; we have two long time posters, both with difficult moms, who are facing dreadful, life-limiting diagnoses of their own. Remember that we are none of us promised long lives or years of retirement.

((((Hugs)))).
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againx100 Feb 2023
Oh no. We are?? I haven't been on here for many days but I'm so sorry for the posters that are facing medical hardships! So sad.
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The candy was a nice idea but there was no need for 40 boxes. Most facilities do not allow gift giving. I think a couple of large boxes next year would be nice. They go into the lunch room with day shift on one and night shift on the other.

For me, I bake. So for Christmas I made up a large tray of cookies and took them in. The Nurse put them in the lunch room.
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Well, I learned something new today.

I take it back. I wouldn't go to all that work for a cake for 60+ people.

And yep, putting 'trinkets' in a cake for lderly people is asking for trouble. Choking or breaking teeth.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2023
King Cake is a long standing tradition here in New Orleans. It’s never going away.

You can buy King Cake from certain places without a baby. It’s included but not inserted into the cake.
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How about vanilla cupcakes? Then, add the sprinkles and decorate the tray with Mardi Gras beads and other decorations? It's festive without being an overwhelming task.
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Take the easy way out. Just say NO.
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You explain as well as you can, gently, that this isn't possible to do. You give an honest explanation. She may cry, she may be angry; that's fine; it's worth being upset about.
Not everything can be fixed and some things just have to be acknowledged as something you cannot do anymore.
If your Mom is able to come to your own home without it causing her to be upset afterward, with it being a nice day, and you can find a recipe, then have her come over and you cook dinner for the family and help her make the cake.
Compromise is often the best we get in life.
Has to be heartbreaking, and I am so sorry.
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againx100 Feb 2023
You're right - this is all so heartbreaking. But we do not need to do everything our LOs ask of us. Depending on their level of dementia, they may have NO clue as to how much time and work and difficulty their requests are.
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NeedHelp, seriously get yourself over to KC Hub on Broad @ MLK x from pumping station. Go AM if at all possible, they will sell out on some. KC heaven…. walls of boxed KC on speed racks…. Like 15 vendors, all the majors (Caluda, a Gambinos, 2 of the Randazzo’s), the specialty bakers (Nocca, Bread on Oak, Ephiphany). It varies by day. You can park at Zony Mash so party in the front, cake in the back. I went last week. Going again probably next Tues or Wed if u want to meet up.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2023
Thanks, Igloo. Will let you know.

I love Caluda’s King Cake! Yummy!

I have friends who still talk about King Cakes from their childhood days from McKenzie’s bakery! LOL 😆

My oldest daughter shops at the Whole Foods store on Broad St. I miss the smaller Whole Foods store that was on Esplanade Ave.

Do you buy the stuffed King Cake with cream cheese or are you a purist and buy plain? I like both!
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WhataDay, New Orleanian here…. for the years my mom (in Texas) was in her 2nd & eons better NH and then couple years after she died, I shipped to the activities director of the NH, boxes of Mardi Gras beads. Sent them in USPS flat rate boxes. Quite a deal as they are pretty heavy. It worked out great as activities knew they were coming so could plan an event around them, everyone got jewelry and dietary could do some sort of purple/ green / gold (usually jellos) dessert item the day the beads were distributed.

In retrospect it worked out better than doing a King Cake ever would be as a KC be too much sugar for some residents and staff. Plus the bite on the baby hazard & KC can be sticky messy. Plus requires work on staff part to cut and serve. Plus with beads = jewelry and who doesn’t want jewelry! If your mom knows KC, she knows beads. You probably have a stash of beads and go cups at home already. I bet you have 100 beads around the house, enough for all the residents plus staff. If not parades have already started! If not, I bet you can bring her some beads with a king cake medallion on it & she will be Throw Me Something Mister oh so happy!
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2023
Igloo,

I send King Cakes to my out of town relatives. Yeah, the beads are included in the packaging. If we had a dollar for all of the beads we have caught throughout our lives we would have a ton of extra cash! 😊

I don’t know how old that you are. I am 67. I remember when the beads were made of glass! Oh my gosh, they would break and glass beads would be everywhere.

We would melt the glass beads in the oven as kids and make things out of them. It smelled awful! I don’t know how my mom let us do that! LOL

We dressed up in the most fantastic costumes for Mardi Gras because my mom was an excellent seamstress.

We would attend Rex, then stay for the trucks and even stay for Comus that evening. Perfectly normal as a kid growing up in New Orleans, right?
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Well, you can always say there's a worldwide yeast shortage
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you are getting me into the Mardi Gras spirit! We spent most of our Mardi Gras in Mobile. Loved the parades. Loved the beads and the music! Miss all of it very much. We have beads. Earned those beads btw. 😉. I said no. Mom got mad. But she will get over it. Of course I felt guilty and didn’t sleep well. My husband said I’ll get over that too. I will call the activity director tomorrow. There is something planned for that Tuesday. I’m Truly sorry for what the two posters mentioned are going through. My problem is nothing. Again, I am so relieved to have found this board. Thank you and let the good times roll.
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sp19690 Feb 2023
Awesome! Great job telling mom no. You may feel a little guilt but think about all that work you saved yourself baking all those cakes. I was exhausted for you.

Next time mom wants you to do something you just dont have the energy or time to do it will be easier to say no.
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Whataday,

Okay, technically y’all did start Mardi Gras. We took the idea and kicked it up several notches!

I haven’t ever done Mardi Gras in Mobile. I agree with you on the music! We have fantastic marching bands and our city is well known for its musical talent.

Have you ever been to New Orleans for our Mardi Gras? It’s changed a lot since I was young. We have the super krewes now. Bacchus and Endymion parades are my favorites. We have Rex on Mardi Gras day. The evening parade, Comus doesn’t roll anymore.

I don’t go to any of the parades in the burbs. They don’t have the same New Orleans vibe.

Some locals who wish to get away for carnival season leave town. Many go skiing and have parades on skis in Vail. LOL

I haven’t been to Mobile in ages. We have stopped there on the way back from Pensacola. I keep saying that I want to stop and see Bellinggrath Gardens. I saw it on Victory Gardens. It looks like a wonderful botanical garden to visit. Have you been?

I know that Florida closed their greyhound racing tracks. We adopted a grey many years ago and he was the sweetest dog ever. He lived to be 13 years old.

Mobile still has a lot of tracks open, right?
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WhataDay, if your mom is kinda into her dementia phase she might really like the “King Cake Silicone Teether” as a lovey. 100% food grade silicone, nontoxic, BPA / PVC, etc free. It’s made by Maison NOLA and they do a collection of NOLA themed items… gators, streetcars, etc. But the KC is especially fabulous, its about 4” oval, you can put your fingers thru it, the colors are spot-on correct and has lil purple, green and gold Jimmie’s on it!. I buy them as my standard baby gift. $ 18. I get mine at Zuka Baby in Metairie Village and they will ship (ask for Madeline).
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Can you bake one cake with mom? With my Daddy his attention span was not very long. You could have her come over do one cake and tell her well that's enough to feed everyone. I just looked up easy king cake and it gave a recipe using Pillsbury Flaky Cinnamon Rolls with Butter Cream Icing! Then add Mardi Gras colored sprinkles on the icing. Then, at the gathering you can have the baby in your pocket and pull it out and say "hey look what I got"!! Also, as someone has already posted don't put anything in the cake due to possible choking hazard.
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Catskie62 Feb 2023
Ohwow, I saw that recipe too! Lol
Great idea about the decorations & baby. I love it!
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