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Please excuse the lack of punctuation but I’m using Siri to dictate this. First a little about me I’m 51 years old married and still have two kids at home. I am an elder at my local church and at one time we were very active in our church and community. I am self-employed in a very time demanding business. My wife also works full-time. The only sister I had died several years ago so I do not have the support of siblings. We are not very close to my dad's side of the family and most of them are older or have their own families to take care of. While my dad was in his bad health for the many years he was they rarely checked on him. My mom's side of the family is very small. She only has one remaining sibling and he has Alzheimer’s. The only local cousin that I have takes care of his dad and he’s also busy with work and kids. For a long time now I’ve been doing things for my parents which I do not regret. Up until my father died in April they were living at home by themselves and I would just run their errands take them to doctors appointments and check in on them. About six weeks before my father died he was in the hospital and in rehab and I realized very quickly that my mother was not able to stay by herself. My wife and I were taking turns staying with her some at night. After the death of my father we have to stay with her around the clock. We found someone to come in during the day so that we can work. My mother lost over half her income she still has a house payment, utilities, insurance, medicine, basically all the bills that my parents had before my father died. I have on a couple of occasions paid for several of her bills and someone to stay with her but I can no longer afford to do that. However my mother does not have enough coming in to pay someone full time. Her house needs a lot of work which we do not have the money to do. Any money that they have in savings we’re having to use for bills and it’s not going to last much longer. My dad had a life insurance policy but a lot of that went to pay for funeral and final Dr.’s bills. For the last few months now my life has basically consisted of waiting on the caregiver, going to work, working a full days work, coming here to relieve the caretaker, and taking care of my mom at her home, and staying away from my family. Our house is not large enough to bring her in and my kids do not want to move up here and I don’t feel that it’s right to uproot them. My loving wife is very good to help but I have told her this is not her responsibility. We no longer have a normal life. We have not gone anywhere but one or two times as a family together not even to church services. Between my business, my home, my mother’s home, and we actually help My mother-in-law with her grass and property, even though she lives with my sister-in-law. My business is starting to suffer, my marriage is starting to suffer, time with my kids is suffering, responsibilities at my home and other places are going undone. My youngest son is still in high school and he plays football and the season is about to start and I do not wanna miss all his games but we can’t afford for anyone to stay with her at night. One of the other issues that I have is before my dad died he told me that number one he did not want my mom going into a nursing home unless she just got to a point that she didn’t know anyone or anything and number two he said that he did not buy this house to give it to anyone other than his family. He said giving it to a nursing home or the state was not an option. I don’t have the heart to put my mother in a nursing home right now because she does know quite a bit even having dementia and Alzheimer’s. She has even told me that she did not want me to do like they did their mother and her sister and put them in the nursing home and throw them away. I am not the kind to say that I am depressed, but I am tired of not having a normal life. I find myself getting irritated more and my wife is getting more and more agitated. I need help.

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Have you considered moving mom closer to you in a senior apartment and selling her home to pay for caregiving help?

Since you are a church elder do you know anyone willing to help your mom for a reasonable fee? The agencies are very expensive.

Maybe see a financial counselor to help sort out these money issues. You cannot keep going at this pace because for sure your health will suffer.

You need to do what is best for your family first meaning your wife and son still at home. Taking care of mom does not mean you have to do it all yourself!
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My first thought is its time to downsize moms living situation and upgrade yours. If you don't want to place her in assisted living then you need someplace closer to where you live. (An ADU with cameras and communication set up.) Or a smaller more manageable place near your family. My mom is still in her house but she's close by and Alexa Cameras are excellent help since she gets phone confused with remote controls.
Its only going to get harder on you. Your mom and dad's wishes are not the only ones that matter. We all get just ONE life.
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I honestly felt compelled to sign up for aging care after reading your post. I am so sorry you are going through this. I can relate all too well. I was a person that always said I would never put my mom in a home. I thought that was a disgrace and that I could manage alone. I'm 31 years old, and my mom is 73. She suffered a hemorrhagic stroke, amongst other things, including most recently small lung cell cancer. When she first got sick, she went to an SNF, where I got a taste of nursing homes to complete rehab, but due to covid, I couldn't really see the facility or be involved as much as I wanted to be. Sorry I completely got sidetracked by relaying my story. What I mean to say in your specific situation is that you have 2 options. You can try to have your mom apply for long-term managed care through Medicaid if she is eligible, but honestly, if you are needing round-the-clock care and can't afford it, you may want to consider a nursing home. I recently came to this decision myself. There are options where you can get 24hr in-home care, but it is proving to be very difficult to obtain and may take a very long time. I expect my first child in October, and I know I can't manage to care for my mom, who also needs around-the-clock care. The most we were ever able to get was 12hrs, which still wasn't enough, and I would either have to go to where she lives to stay at night, or I was draining my pockets trying to find people to care for her outside the 12 hrs. It's just unsustainable. I know nursing homes have a bad rep (I still don't feel 100 percent comfortable with my decision), but I do not believe caregiving stops once your loved one is in a home. Make sure you visit and call them and get familiar and friendly with the workers there so you know your mom is in good hands and so they also know that you are an involved child. Since your mom still seems to have some wits about her, try having the conversation with her. I hope this helps!
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I feel you, I'm currently doing this with my 94 year old mom. I'm blessed to have 3 siblings helping. Mom lives an hour away, we all split the week staying over nights with mom 24/7 for 2 months now. before she needed round the clock I was there every week on and off for 5 years now. Almost lost my husband neglected my own family, all for mom. Dad died from dementia and pneumonia 5 years ago. I took care of him as well. All I have is trust in God, I have nothing else. I go thru the gambit of emotion. It's a roller coaster. One thing I did learn was to stop beating myself up. Take the break for you whenever you can find one. You can't run yourself into the ground. I do a lot if praying, it's all I got.
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You need to make appointment with Elder law Atty asap. They will create plan so house & life saving is saved. Hugs 🤗
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I think like many people already mentioned, try looking into Assisted Living. Depending on where you live, some are more affordable than others. I had to put my Dad in Assisted Living, and honestly he's better off there than living with my husband and me. We both work full-time jobs. It's extremely boring if my Dad were to live with us while we're just working all day. He stayed with us for two weeks last summer and was miserable - that answered the question in my mind of what to do. He had no one to talk to (I'm in meetings most of the day) and my husband is busy working. In assited living, they can make new friends, talk with their friends, go on trips, do activities and a lot more than I could ever hope to offer. Plus he's SAFE there and there is a memory care so he can go into memory care as his Dementia progressed. I'd suggest assisted living for the stage your mother is in. Try visiting a few places - they are NOT like what many imagine. The seniors sit together outside, chat, gossip - my Dad even got a new girlfriend. So try looking into it.
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SG, quick question for you, your mom lives in another city, right?
so is mom living in Alabama? Or does she live in Mississippi? or in Tenn? Florence is right up at the border, minutes away from either.

Where is she? . If you’re in AL and she’s in MS, or up in TN, the dynamics of all of this will be very very different & way way more complicated.
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Your fathers wishes are what most of us hope for. No one wants to go into a nursing home and no one wants to sell their home and not leave anything to their families when they die. But that is exactly what most of us have to do. It doesn't sound like your parents are wealthy people, so they are no exception. The reason your parents put their parents in a nursing home is because there isn't enough money, time or energy to become a full time caregiver and have a life of your own. What has changed since your parents placed their parents is there are now assisted living facilities and many are quite nice. In assisted living, your mom would have access to care 24/7. She would be around folks her own age and stage of life and she will make friends to lunch with daily. Depending on the care needed, they can give meds, help her bathe and dress. Meals are served in a dining room. There would be no home to maintain and she would be safe, which would take a lot of worry off of your shoulders. They are expensive, so after the sale of your moms home, I don't know how much time that would buy her, but you can cross that bridge when you come to it. As her dementia progresses, she may need to advance to memory care / long term care and may not be as cognizant when you have to make those decisions.

You are still working full time, raising a family, taking care of your own home and trying to keep your marriage in tact. You will have to sell her home and place her. That way she can get the care she needs without destroying your family in the process. You will still have to manage her care but you won't be the one staying up all night to give it.

Visit several assisted living facilities near your home. Once you find one that you like, plan a visit with your mom so that she can see it. You're going to have to have a reality talk with your mom. The home needs repairs she can't make and can't afford to hire out. Tell her you're tired and have to work to take care of your family. You want her close by so that you can be her son and visit her, but you need help and an AL facility would help.

Don't let your dads wishes guilt you into running yourself into the ground, missing your sons school events or tax your marriage. Take a deep breath, and make some sound decisions for mom that are in her best interest.
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Dear sgsellsit. You have such a heart of compassion, and I respect your desire to fulfill the promise you made to your dad.
 
Being an Elder in your church means you know all about serving others, and have likely done so sacrificially. Here is my Christian perspective. It may not solve anything but I hope it offers you some peace.  
 
** Honorably, you want to fulfill the promise you made to your dad. This may also be a time when the Lord asks you to surrender that promise to Him, trusting He will fulfill the promise in a way that brings Him glory. When I struggle with this kind of tension, I pray the Lord will align my heart to His.    
 
** The Lord’s yoke isn't just easy; it serves as protection against carrying too much. It is an armor that prevents unnecessary burdens from weighing down my spirit.
 
** In the desert, God called His people to discipline themselves and eat only the mana that was needed for the day. It didn't matter that there was an abundance of food; He still asked His people to leave perfectly good mana on the ground. I look at my list of "to do's" through the same lens. Just because there are stacks of things that need to be taken care of, it does not mean I’m supposed to do them all. To gain perspective, I ask myself, “Am I glorifying Him?”  
 
** The Lord calls people to do many different things. When I need help, I realize reaching out may be the catalyst to help someone else fulfill his or her calling. I’m one thread…often frayed. Only the Lord knows how to tuck me in and weave a tapestry that reflects His Goodness.

Gratefully, He is.
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Becky04489 Aug 2022
I go to church for my Bible lessons. Not Aging Care. Posts are not supposed to offend ANY religious group. Not everyone on Aging Care is a Christian.
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Hi there. I am going through the same thing except my mother moved in with me because I pulled her out of an independent senior living place. The food was bad, her memory failed, and she lost a bunch of weight. Calling me saying “where did everyone go?”, “You guys left me here”. Which no one was there or had visited that day. In the nine months she was there, I think she was just barely starting to get used to it, but my conscience couldn’t let me leave her there. The wisdom of your father was correct. Is it possible to sell her house or downsize? Not sure how much equity she has, but maybe renting a small apartment can afford her some care or do find her a place to go. She can make friends hopefully and you can stop by to visit. It is a lot, I know. I have several siblings, They don’t help much. The best thing to do is not to lose yourself in the situation. It is what it is. I try not to get emotionally involved and tell myself, “I’m still me”. Do what you can to make plans for yourself too. This phrase “I’m still me” literally pulled me out of depression I was going into and really helped me. I haven’t felt the same since, and I have also told two friends how I was feeling. Let it out and you’ll feel better.
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I understand the difficulty. My parents wanted to age at home too. They made plans for it though. I currently am primary caregiver for my 92- year old Dad and I reside with him. I took care of my Mom till she passed. They have been able to stay in their home.

My Dad periodically has delusions (?) related to a traumatic brain injury and sundowning. There are no resources on how to handle these. There is no training or help. You figure it out as you go. These are similar to someone with dementia. The difference is that my Dad’s condition won’t get worse.

With this background, I think you need to find a placement for your Mom before you exhaust all your resources. She can go into a facility that is just assisted living, but that has sections for memory care as her dementia progresses.

So while she’s still cognizant, she can be in assisted living with her own things around her. You, your wife and kids can visit her and take her on outings. You’ll have the time and energy, since you won’t be her primary caregiver.

You might see if there is room in a Greenhouse Project facility in Alabama. It is totally different than the typical care center concept.

The home is set up around a central hearth. Each person has his/her own room and they can decorate it or do as they wish with it. The schedule is driven by what the residents want, not by the administration. Residents can help plan & prepare meals. Each house has staff dedicated to that house.

Google Greenhouse Project.

Alabama Green House Projects

Tuscaloosa VA Medical Center
Skilled Nursing
Operating: 2
East Tuscaloosa, AL 35404
More information: http://www.tuscaloosa.va.gov/

St. Martin's in the Pines
Skilled Nursing
Operating: 9
Birmingham, AL 35210
More information: https://stmartinsinthepines.org/the-cottages/

The other thing you might do is talk to your Mom’s primary care physician. Tell him/her about the problem. Ask to meet with a social worker to help figure out what to do and for help on the financial questions.

Once you have your Mom in a safe, enjoyable environment, you’ll be able to ensure she has everything she needs to be happy. Chair, bed, TV, subscription to favorite magazine, hair appts, church, whatever is needed. And you and your family will have the energy to give her quality time, visits and outings. A sane setup that works for everyone. It has to work for everyone, not just your Mom.
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It's time for your mother to go into a managed care facility. No parent has a right to make their adult child promise that they will not put them or their other parent in a nursing home. No one can really make a promise like this because no one can know what the future holds for themselves or their parents. This is a promise that no one can guarantee they deliver on.
Your father is dead. So whatever demands he made in life about his house never being handed over to a nursing home or no one outside the family getting it should just be put aside. He's gone. Now you do what's best for your mother because she's not.
Make a few appointments to tour memory care facilities. Then list mom's house for sale. It can still stay in the family if a family member decides to buy it but it will have to be sold at market value if placing your mother.
You have to do what's right for your mother. Unless you are willing to take care of her 24/7 yourself, or pay the difference for the live-in help that she can't afford on her own, she will have to go into memory care.
She put her parents (your grandparents) into a nursing home. I'm so sure they didn't want to go either. Yet, she expects her child to her out of one.
I don't think so.
She needs to be placed for her own health and safety. Unfortunately, you do not have a sibling to make this decision and carry it out. So you will have to do it. It's hard but you have to do what must be done.
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I think this is the correct site for your local Area Agency on Aging (it says it covers Lauderdale county? Is that correct for Florence? - sorry, not good on geography)

https://www.nacolg.org/aging-and-disability-resource-center

There's also a telephone number: (256) 389-0500

They won't have all the answers but they might be able to help you find where to start. Best wishes.
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This is so hard, I have been where you are. My mum died of Alzheimer’s in a care home. Her and dad were adamant they wanted to die at home but mums personality took a turn and nobody could cope with her anymore.

Save yourself and your marriage. Put mum in assisted living and sell the family home to lay for it. It was unfair of your dad to give instructions on his death bed.

your mum will decline and it can happen quickly. Tell your mum that you can no longer look after her and her needs are better met by qualified carers. Look at nursing homes together.
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BurntCaregiver Jul 2022
Every elderly person is adamant about refusing to give up their homes and go into care.
Many times a care facility is the ONLY option.
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You can't afford to prop your mother up in a house she can't use and can't live in independently with any quality of life. The prejudices and preconceptions about residential care in all its hugely varied forms that she and your father brought to the discussion, forcing you into unconsidered commitments, are worthless and obstructive at best. They have to go.

I haven't yet checked your profile and location, but that's where you start: researching what resources and services are available, preferably within easy reach of your home or your work or both.

[Goodness I'm irritated. Put them in the nursing home and throw them away, indeed. What nonsense. As though it's some law of nature that once your loved one is a nursing home she is held prisoner and you are barred from contributing to her life. This school of thought does SO much harm!]
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BurntCaregiver Jul 2022
You are so right, Countrymouse. In many cases "home" isn't always best or even possible.
I've had many cases where an elder would have been better off in a care facility because they had no life at all. No one visited them. They never went anywhere. They just sat in front of the tv day in and day out.
I had one old lady with some dementia who lived in a filthy, hoarded apartment. I was paid to be there two hours in the AM and one hour in the PM (to put her to bed). Her son and DIL lived on the second floor, she was on the first. The DIL was home all day and didn't work. She sat up in her hoard all day long watching tv. Every so often she's come downstairs and look in the window to make sure her MIL was still in the chair watching tv. Then the son would come home from work. He'd drop a plate of supper off for his mother then go back upstairs.
This poor lady would have been happy in an AL or even a memory care facility. She was so sweet and friendly, and never saw anyone.
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Many nursing homes are wonderful and are staffed by kind, dedicated, caring people. Visit some of them. Sometimes people think of nursing homes as they were many years ago. They are different now.
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You should sell her house and have her move in with you or some other relative. Nursing homes are the worst place in the world and even though you do not have a normal life (I don't either, I am taking care of my sick and elderly mother 24/7, so I understand totally), I think in the long run you will feel better about it.
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caroljnorris Jul 2022
Dear HanaLee, It’s wonderful that you’re able to care for your parent at home. Many would have loved to be able to do that as well, but it isn’t always possible for various reasons.
It is especially difficult when the caregiver has a full time job and a busy schedule and commitments. There are other considerations as well, such as stairs or other physical barriers that make it impossible. There are good care options; it doesn’t have to be a nursing home. And regular family visits keep staff on their toes.
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I agree with all the others, it is time to explore long term care, not necessarily a nursing home. It is tough coming to that decision, especially b/c of your late dad’s request, but it NEEDS to happen for many reasons. Your children are young only once, you and your wife need to take care of your own mental and physical health before the stress takes it’s toll on you two. Also, your mom may do much better in an assisted living, if you find a good one.

Can you speak with fellow parishioners for suggestions, call you county dept on aging to begin the process?

I went through a similar situation with my mom, and honestly things worked out well. My mom became quite frail, but did very well in assisted living. We did move her to memory care, which was amazing. Her dementia wasn’t too bad, but the higher staff ratio meant better care, and the aides loved her because she was more with it.

As others have said, sell the house. Don’t worry about the condition; the market is still hot. Explore funding options, my mom received Aid and Attendance thru the VA, which helped a lot. Her memory care participated in a voucher program which would have provided nearly half of her monthly rent if she stayed there 12 months. Perhaps your state has something similar. But you need to explore what is available in your state.

My mom very recently passed away. But let me tell you about her last day at her memory care. After breakfast they had church ( they had some sort of spiritual group daily), then coffee and danish. They had a group about Greek culture before lunch, and after lunch made Baklava. I visited her before dinner, and after dinner, she watched “my Big Fat Greek Wedding.” I was so happy that she had such an awesome day before she passed away. I never thought she could have afforded such a great place, but with some planning a searching it happened.

Best wishes; you’re an amazing son!
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Jholley17 Aug 2022
Oh my gosh you just gave me the most amazing idea to search for. !!! Memory care rental voucher programs assistance in my state! My mom has that but not specifically for a medical facility. I'm feeling hope for the first time in 17 years. It's my chance for freedom. God bless you ☺️
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First of all you need to understand the difference between a nursing home and Assisted Living. The first is for people who have trouble physically and mentally caring for themselves. The second is for people who just need some help with daily tasks of living. It doesn't sound like your mother is in poor health so an AL may be a good fit for her.

You should contact a local AL and ask them to assess your mother to determine if she is a good candidate for that type of community. They are experienced in dealing with the finances of the elderly. And be aware, most of these facilities are for-profit and want to make money for the owners. You might have to do a lot of research to find a place that is a good fit. A Place for Mom (not an endorsement) was a big help in finding some places to look into and for advice about finances.

Then sit down and figure out her finances. I was where you are a few years ago with my mother. It was costing more to keep her in her home than her income was bringing in. I made it very clear that I was not going to be her housekeeper or do repairs. If she wanted to stay in the house she was going to have to pay the bills. It really wasn't safe for her to stay there alone and she didn't want to live with any of her children who are all in our 60's.

I finally convinced her to at least tour a couple of places and she decided it was a good idea. Laundry, housekeeping, meals, activities, social interaction all provided!

With Social Security as her only income and some savings I knew money would be tight but in reality she was 90 years old so I only needed to stretch her money for a few years, and then if necessary apply for Medicaid. (In Ohio Medicaid does NOT pay for AL fees although some will accept the waivers if the person has been a resident for 2 years, each state has it's own rules) So once she selected the AL she wanted to live in we sold her house and that money was what I used to pay her fees.

I think she was content in AL, she complained a lot but then she did that when living in her house. My father, before his death, worried about what would happen to her. I promised him I would look out for her and do what was best for her care.

The most important thing for you right now is to protect your own retirement assets so your children don't have to go through this in 20 years time.
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sgsellsit: Your mother requires residence in a managed care facility, most likely Memory Care now as she suffers from Alzheimer's. Her home could be sold to finance that transition. There is no way that YOU can continue on in this approach. You simply have far too much on your plate wherein you've already stated that much of your life is starting to suffer. You should not be burdened with a deathbed confession given to you by your father. Your mother's home should not be kept for your 'inheritance.'
My own late mother was barely scraping by, demanding to live alone in her own home many states away from me. She wanted to 'save' her home for her two adult kids. I told her that I had built my life by working very hard and basically, I didn't require an inheritance.
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Hello, I see the quandary you’re in and also stuck in an agreement made with your dad ((But)).. I’m just gonna let that sit there for a minute.

Some never think about that caring for aging parents is very different than our parents caring for us( we were the immediate family as opposed to now having our own immediate family). Our lives, our aspirations and dreams, even our families suffer due to “lack of”….

Some of my thoughts are to possibly offer room and board to someone with caregiving experience, the agreement can be worked out as to whatever benefits it offers other than a place to stay.
If a senior day care is available then check into it
Also is it possible to utilize her house as a senior day care or elder care? I know it involves zoning, permits and other business plans but, it’s and idea, it could supply and need and incorporate an income.
I usually throw in on this forum about bartering ( a favor for a favor)
utilize social media or friends and family ?

Im just giving my 1st thoughts on something that can hopefully create a spark!

If all else fails she may have to go to a NH or equivalent ( your quality of life is paramount as we only go this way once💕
Those of us that actually care and have compassion never just throw them in a NH, we visit, we call, we take them out if permissible.

Our lives can carry on because we cared enough to make sure (they’re cared for even if it’s not us doing the physical care )… that’s loyalty, dedication and love!
Wishing that you find the peace of mind you need. ❤️‍🩹
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After reading sgsellsit 2nd post, I'm not sure what advice he might be looking for. He needs to speak with an elderlaw attorney and get everything laid out in black and white and make a decision. I'll bet that most people on this site have promised a parent or spouse not to put them in a "home". (I often wonder if that goes back to the Depression?). It wouldn't hurt to make a list of pros and cons to the situations.

KEEP MOM AT HOME:
Pros: kept promise to dad
pay mom back for taking care of me as a child and helping me out as an adult
get to keep mom and dad's house and keep mom in it.

Cons: possibly ruin my marriage and family
undo stress on my wife and me
could have long term mental consequences for my children
possible major financial problems and maybe loss of my business
could cause health issues for my family and me (stroke, heart problems, etc)
mom doesn't get the care she needs
house does not get maintained as it should be and value decreases
loss of time with my family and inability to maintain any friendships
and, on and on

If it were me, I wouldn't have to look past #1 on the con list. Mom may only have a couple of years left and do I want to throw away my marriage and my family basically out of guilt. Not me!
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I started reading the posts when my elderly parents, age 94, started to need more in home care about 18 months ago. We started looking for AL and MC and in-house caregivers with their very limited budget. My sister had been helping them for last few years with general housekeeping and medical management but my moms dementia was getting worse and my Dad’s health started to deteriorate where one of my 2 sisters now take turns staying with them 24/7. It has gotten very draining on them so we started looking at caregivers but did not find many options in the rural area they live in. I live in a suburban area in a different state and have been shocked at how few options there are within a 1 hour drive from where they live in Texas. I read on these forums about nice MC and Nursing Homes to place parents into and we are not finding that to be true even if they had unlimited funds, which they don’t. We have had to place mom in local nursing home so she can get qualified for long term Medicaid but I am very disappointed in the care, not what is described in these forums by people. We are going to start looking at home caregivers again but we are not feeling hopeful. I feel sorry for my sisters for the sacrifices they are making and for my parents as they feel helpless to assist. Where they are, sadly has very limited choices to care for my parents especially my mom. I am frustrated that there are not choices out there as discussed in the forum. Not sure where you all live and if various states Medicaid is so different to assist financially, but even if convince elderly parents to leave home where to find safe caregivers is challenging.
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I had a terrible time getting help for a relative who was disabled and could not care for himself. The hospitals were no help at all, even with a social worker. When I visited him I tried to get help from the nurses and they did not want to hear from me. They did not give him the regular meds he was supposed to take for 24 hours. No one told me I should call his own physician to come in (please do this).
Not one doctor would help with placement in rehab or a nursing home. One was helpful getting his drivers license removed. Not one doctor helped with getting in home care or medical aids. It was up to me. Who are these doctors who help you? What do you have to say to them? On the recommendation of a physical therapist I had bars put in the shower and bedroom and paid for it myself. I also bought an electric bed and chairs with arms and paid for it.

One well known hospital tried to release him after surgery when his blood pressure was at 60. I had to bar the door myself and refuse to let him leave until his blood pressure was normal. And they would not send him to a nursing facility. The surgeon said he would be "just fine" after surgery. He was not. He could not walk and the doctor was not available.

I had to hire my own staff at $30 an hour, two hour minimum. A friend gave me a referral to a home care agency, thank goodness. Most helpers were absolutely great and to them I am forever grateful. A few were not. I found NO ONE who would stay overnight, ever. That meant I had to get up at 2 or 3 AM and help him to the bathroom, every night. And if he had nightmares I had to be there. It ruined my health.
Finally he got sicker, was hospitalized, then moved to a nursing home (no choice, just whichever one the social worker picked that had an empty bed). Then he died.

All of your kind suggestions are very nice, but nothing worked except getting in- home health care, which you have to pay for yourself. (You can write it off on your taxes, at least so far). Fortunately he had good insurance for the doctors and hospitalizations. End of story.
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Sounds like Mom may be very close to qualifying for Medicaid. Please call Adult Protective Services about getting Mom placed and for applying to Medicaid.

Your Dad had wishes, but he is not here to make them come true, nor was it fair of him to burden you with fulfilling the wishes he couldn't fulfill. You have wishes, too, and you do have opportunities to make them come true.

See if you can locate a few Assisted Living arrangements where they do accept Medicaid. If you locate her near enough, you and your whole family can visit. Those visits could instill lessons of empathy and compassion in your children.

This can be a "win-win" situation if you don't allow guilt to eat away at your resolve to make mom and your family happy.
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The posters on this forum have all lived through your situation. The problem is that there aren’t many options to solve your problem.

Someone can move in with Mom. But it can’t be one of your family on a permanent basis, obviously. And hiring someone to live at Mom’s house can be expensive, plus you have to vet them thoroughly.

You don’t have room for Mom to move in with you, so that is not an option.

You can’t keep going the way you’ve been going, because your life is falling apart. Your family must come first. Your children absolutely must come first. They are more your responsibility than your Mother is.

The final option is to move Mom somewhere else. Make sure it is a facility that accepts Medicaid for later. The best option may be to put the house up for sale now, not down the road. Then use the proceeds to pay for Mom’s room. When she is almost out of funds, have the facility help you apply for Medicaid. They will then just switch her from Private Pay to Medicaid. They will use her social security as part of the payment, she will get to keep a small amount.

It sounds like you are at a breaking point where you have to do something. No matter what anyone has said in the past, things can’t stay as they are and her house will be needed to pay for future medical costs. Everyone’s wishes can’t change those facts. I hope you get some relief soon.
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KatLaw19 Jul 2022
Very sound advice.
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It seems when parents gets to a point where they are acting weird and just dont seem to be themself. Its time to let them go and put them in a good safe care home or have someone to stay with her at her home. Dont feel guilty, its time to know that it is ok to let go and start caring of your life first.
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In a nutshell, placing your mom in memory care IS taking care of her.
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It seems your mother can not continue to live alone. If she can not move into your home, then she must move somewhere else with others. There is a process to finding a "good fit" for your mother and her needs:

1 - Get a thorough evaluation from a doctor. Ask the doctor to check her over for all diseases - chronic and acute - so that she is getting all the care she needs. Ask the doctor to evaluate her cognition and recommend the type of home she needs: assisted living, skilled nursing care, or memory care. The doctor's recommendation will guide your next steps.

2 - Based on your mom's needs, start looking for places that she can move to that are near your home. Look online at first and then narrow the choices down to 3-5 places. Since money is tight, consider places that will accept Medicare/Medicaid.

3 - Do telephone interviews and set up in-person "visits." When you have arrived at about 3-ish good choices, take mom for visits in person. Make arrangements for her to do "respite" in a couple of places- a short stay - so you and your wife can get a long-needed break.

4 - When you have decided on the place(s), get mom onto their waiting list. Some waits are very short; others not so much. When she is accepted, help her pack and move in. Her "new home" will provide her with opportunities to make friends, do fun things, and allow you to visit frequently - without the burnout you are suffering from.

5 - Sell the house and use the money to pay for mom's care. Houses, furniture, land... are all "stuff" that are to be used to sustain us, not be a burden.
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Your first need is to take care of yourself -if you don't then you will not be able to take care of yourself. If you don't already have them you should go to elder care lawyer to get wills and POAs [financial and health] for your mom [also you and your wife]. The POAs give you the authority to make decisions for your mom. Talk with her doctors to help determine what she needs. Go to local Dept. of Aging which can also help give you some guidance and local resources to use. You don't say how far away your mom lives, but it may work to have her stay with you while you are working on some plans. Talk with the minister of your church to get some help. It sounds like it may be helpful to find a financial adviser so that you can make a budget - talk about this with any of the above resources -lawyer, Dept. of Aging, etc. They can also help on a plan for your MOM. I don't think your dad's wishes should take precedence over you and your family's [including your mom] needs. You might also talk with a realtor about selling one of your hoses. If your mom's is bigger and not too far away it may make sense for your family to move there and sell yours. There are other options to consider as well. There are several options for your mom -doesn't necessarily mean nursing home, but many are very good with many available services for residents. I would also suggest you consider counselling for you and your family to help deal with this stressful situation
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