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I am caring for my in-laws. My father-in-law has signs of pre-dementia, but he is not the one that is being rude. As for my stepmother-in-law she is very capable of doing a lot for herself, but she wants to be waited on hand and foot. She lays in bed all day and screams at everyone to come to her. She can walk, dress and feed herself. She just refuses to make food for herself and will not shower unless she has someone to wash her back and feet. I thought I could handle taking care of them with home health aides come in and help, but the aides won't even come out due to her rudeness and mean comments.


I have notes from the aides and her refusing care and unwilling to work with them. Physical Therapy has come out and accessed her and believe she is capable of doing things on her own. She even has a treadmill in her bedroom, but she has never used it. I am now having to hire privately as I am my husband have full time jobs. She says things to the one aide that still comes, and my stepmother-in-law says mean things about us to the aide. Of course, the aide doesn't believe her because she has seen how my stepmother-in-law treats me. I don't know what to do, because we volunteered to give them help and now, I am regretting it. My Father-in-law doesn't understand what is going on half the time and she screams at him all the time. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Hobbs, on another thread, you say that you are afraid that SMIL will accuse you of abuse.

That ALONE is reason to get her out of your home, immediately.

Years ago, my mil (who did not live with us) threatened to call APS on him. He handed her her keys and walked out. He saw her again years later on her deathbed

Don't let bullies threaten you.

In your shoes, frankly, I woukd call APS and ask them to make a visit. You get to tell YOUR story and shape tge narrative. Tell them your worries about her threats.

If she threatens you, call 911 and have her taken to the hospital. And do not accept her back into YOUR home.
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ahobbs2016 Mar 2023
thank you for your advice, have the social worker coming on Monday
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I agree with those who say welcome APS with open arms. Tell them the history. Tell them you can no longer take care of them either physically or mentally and ask about steps to get them placed into care.

I can only say that this is a tough warning out to others who take elders into their own homes. Once done it is extremely difficult to get them out again.
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Scampie1 May 2023
There is an old saying: Visitors in your home are like fish. They start stinking after three days.
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If she's truly competent mentally, sit her down and tell her that due to her behavior the current living situation is not working out and they'll have to leave. Write down all the behaviors that have led to this decision, including the screaming, the abuse, driving away aides, and make it very clear that this is 100% on her.

If you're willing to give her a second chance, then tell her to consider your discussion a warning and that if there is ONE more infraction, you'll consider it her decision to move to AL. Give it to her in writing, but don't expect her to sign it because that's a whole new battle. Tell her you're prepared to start eviction proceedings.

It's time to treat her like a client, not family, because she's treating you and her aides like slaves, not family.
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ahobbs2016 Mar 2023
Thank you for the advice. I will do that :)
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Film her.

Then tell her this is not working out and you and hubby will be finding them another place.

When did we middle age kids decide that our parents could ruin our lives and put such burdens on us? I'm 58, and I already have a care plan in place so my children will NEVER have to care for me. I took care of them. It's not a two-way street.
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Way2tired May 2023
@ teethgrinder, To answer your question “ when did we middle age kids decide that our parents ruin our lives……..?” . I’ve asked the same question . I am the same age as you , my in laws are failing and don’t want anything to change . My grandparents did not act like this . They acknowledged their age and limitations .
This generation expects their lives to never change. They expect us to do for them to “ maintain their independent lifestyles”.
For some reason we were groomed for this by our parents. My mother told me at an early age I was to take care of her when she was old , I took care of both parents , until I could not any longer , then they went into a facility which they didn’t want .
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If you are this frightened then I don’t think that they should be living with you.

Find another place for them to live. Start researching facilities in your area. Tell them that it is not working out well for either of you.

You shouldn’t have to feel threatened in your own home. You are doing them a favor. If they don’t appreciate your help it is time for them to find help elsewhere.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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Hobbs, you don't need to prove anything. This is YOUR home and YOU get to say who lives there and what goes on.

See the Elder Law attorney and make a plan for them to go elsewhere.

Meanwhile, stop helping.
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ahobbs2016 Mar 2023
thank you
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@ahobbs

Your step-MIL actually called APS? Good. That's the best thing that could happen here. Put on a pot of coffee and tell APS to come on over. Let them take it from here.
What happens now is because step-MIL got too cute and went too far with her wicked little games, APS will remove her and your FIL from your home and they will get placed. I'm sure it will be against their will, but if they are vulerable adults and there's no one else who will take them in, this is exactly what will happen.
So many of our beloved seniors and kids don't understand that you don't cry abuse where there is none. Not getting your own way every minute of the day and not being waited upond hand and foot is not abuse. You don't play games with APS, or Child Protective Services, or the police because they will respond.
My friend's daughter did this when she was a young teenager. A spoiled little brat whose parents gave her everything. Love, attention, a beautiful home, you name it. She was out of control. Sneaking out at night, skipping school, getting high. All kinds of bad things.
One day she was berating and demanding her mom give her money. When she was refused, she came at my friend who defended herself. She left bruises on her because she restrained her to the floor.
That girl went straight to the police and called the DCF (child protective services in CT) to spite her mother.
They put her in a foster home for six months were she actually suffered abuse. After her anger and rage towards her parents subsided, the state didn't just let her go back home. She tried to run away and was put into a security facility for minors which is basically kid jail.
It was a whole process with the state to let that kid back home.
Same thing with your step-MIL.
Never call the state unless it's real and serious. Your step-MIL's little game will backfire in her face.
Wave good-bye to the two of them from the porch when APS puts them in a van.
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JeanLouise May 2023
Could be her out!
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No one can abuse you (as an able-bodied adult) unless you permit it. Leave and don't go there. (Whose home are they living in: theirs or yours? This makes a difference in the advice that is given to you.)

That being said: who is the PoA for either of them? This is the person who needs to step up and step in and deal with the situation. The PoA needs to read the document to see what activates the authority (Durable is activity immediately upon notarization, Springing usually requires one or two medical diagnoses of impairment).

If no one is the PoA for these people, and they are no longer legally able or willing to assign someone, then you can just leave them be and call APS to report them to the social workers as vulnerable adults. If you don't have any legal authority then you don't really have much power to help them as things gets worse, if they don't cooperate. The county will eventually acquire guardianship. You can pursue guardianship if you wish, but do you want to continue to deal with your SMIL? Also, it is expensive and you'd need to get it for each person (so, 2 separate cases).

Many adult children make promises of caregiviing to their parents not knowing what they are signing up for. No one would/should judge you for stepping away in this situation. You are not abandoning them, but just allowing other professionals and solutions to come into play. Please read some of the thousands of posts on this forum under the care topic Burnout. You are well on your way there if you aren't flexible and realistic about their care. Often the solution boils down to the "least bad option".
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ahobbs2016 Mar 2023
Hi, The house is mine and we have PoA over my father-in-law as he has given it to us, when he was diagnosed with memory decline 5 years ago. His Wife (who is not my husband's original mother) has all her mind and refuses to give us PoA. I have mentioned multiple times that there are plenty of place she can go but refuses to go. Also, since my FIL doesn't remember the bad names she calls him half the time. He still madly in love with the woman he knew when they were younger. they are 80 yrs old. He would try to go with her, and that situation is not health.
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I feel so bad for you . I guess go to an elder care lawyer , call APS . Others may have other suggestions. I just wanted to say how sorry I am.
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I wouldn't do it. You are not responsible for any elder. I would contact APS and report self-neglect. Verbal and mental abuse are the worst type of abuses. I would rather get beaten up physically (LOL) than to endure ongoing verbal and mental abuse from anyone! I had a case like this a year and a half ago and had to leave it. It came down to me finishing off the shift, called the agency and telling them I would not be back. This old woman had managed to infiltrate my psyche with her ongoing nasty remarks and criticism. I allowed her to run me ragged. She was a 90 something year old with a toddler's mentality. I tried to figure out for months what the heck I did wrong even after I quit the case. Some people are narcissistic and will find one person who they can dump all of their problems and hostility when they are about to explode. It's not fair, and I think once people realize that caretakers are not going to stick around for this trash, they will either stop or be placed in a senior home setting.

This woman has made up in her mind that you are going to serve her. You are your own person. Women get taken advantage of and dumped on by family. Don't fall into this trap. It sounds like your dh needs to be forced into action by your inaction.
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