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My mom is 61 and has advanced Dementia. She was also diagnosed with having dementia related schizophrenia. She sits around and talks to herself all day, then tells me she can’t do stuff because certain ppl who don’t exist, tell her not to.


The new new thing is bathroom issues. She “can’t” use the bathroom because she can only use a new toilet. She can't use it behind me, or a man (husband) or my children. She can’t squat over the toilet because it will break her hands. If she uses my toilet she will die. If I walk her into the bathroom and tell her to pee, she will refuse and Pee on the floor. She pees through the depends. She says she doesn’t have to listen me and Pee in the toilet because it’s really me peeing on myself...If I try to resolve whatever excuse she is making of why she can’t use the toilet, she immediately finds another reason. She pees in the bed, and on the carpet, she sometimes takes the depends off and put it in the trash, other times on my daughters dollhouse. Once she told me, I don’t have to use the toilet, I can just pee in the depends. She is already on anti-psychotic meds... what to do???


As an aside, I am pregnant... with a 1yo, 4yo and 6yo. I trying to help her and keep her at home, but she won’t listen to anything I say.

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Your mother can't hear you. Her brain is broken by dementia, and crowded with much louder voices.

I don't see how you can keep both her and your family safe and well in the same house. Have you been offered alternatives and don't like the look of them, or have you not got that far yet?

Such a young age for your poor mother to be suffering so dreadfully, I'm so sorry for what you're all going through.
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Have you talked to her doctor about this sudden change? I'm wondering if perhaps she might have a urinary tract infection. Sometimes these cause a change in mental status.

I agree with CM. It's going to be very hard to manage 4 very young children and keep your mother and them safe.
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Dbullock Jun 2020
I feel like with 4 babies, it will be harder to get to a nursing home or assisted living often enough to check on her. Can you imagine trying to go there many times a week with a 0,1,4, and 6 year old? Can you imagine me finding childcare for them to go many times a week? ... she has to work with me. It’s the only way. I see the ladies on YouTube coming up with elaborate schemes to try to get their family member to comply... but I really don’t have time. On YouTube, it’s like if your loved one won’t take a bath, set up the bathroom as a spa and invite her for a spa experience... meanwhile, I haven’t bathed in 2 days. I’m think more meds to calm the mental voices and defiance might be best.
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Dbullock, you have your hands very full...your mom is young to have this happen to her. BarbBrooklyn suggested a possible UTI -- yes, do check this as it is "easier" to confirm/discount it. If she has one, antibiotics will help. Countrymouse points out her brain is broken so you won't be convincing her to do anything. Her behaviors will be dictating what you do. You're the one who will be adjusting all the time, not her. Have you ever watched any Teepa Snow videos on YouTube? They will give you a very good understanding of what's going on. The more you understand your mom's condition, the better decisions you can make. Also, do you have any siblings who are helping?

I'm hoping you have durable PoA for your mom. If not, it may be legally too late with her cognitive issues for her to understand what she'd be signing. You will need to pursue guardianship if you are wiling/able to continue to manage her affairs and care. If you don't have either PoA or guardianship, then legally managing anything for her will be much more difficult and the county will eventually pursue it and call all the shots. It will be helpful to know this info from you. Also, does your mom have financial means? Maybe you could hire in-home help for the day so that your children can have your full attention and you won't be ground down to the point of exhaustion. It wouldn't hurt to just start researching local facilities, prices and waiting lists so that when you are ready for this option you won't be in a panic trying to do it. You don't mention a spouse or partner...if there is one, this whole arrangement is also not fair to them. Finally, I'm hoping you are not financing anything for your mom. This is robbing you and your children, even if you don't see it like that. Caregiving can be very expensive. Medicaid can be an option. I'm hoping this info is not dismaying to you...you need to know what the options can be in order to make wise decisions on behalf of your immediate family. You are doing an incredibly difficult thing and may you be blessed for it. I wish you peace in your heart as you make decisions regarding your mom and her care.
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Dbullock Jun 2020
Only child, no help. She has a house that needs to be sold so amedicaid is complicated. She is also about 15 dollars over the income limit. The mortgage current eats all of her income. I had a live in with her but she got sick so my mom “had” to come with us. I was just hoping that she could be a little off, but we could keep her safe, we’ll fed and clean. I was relying on the kids to be the rest of her entertainment. Me and my husband also work full time, so we are managing that as well. She can’t afford an Assisted Living that I feel like is nice enough. She doesn’t meet disability requirement for a nursing home. I could continue to try to manage everything with her, except for the Pee issue. Last month she had a kidney infection. I am always taking her to get her checked for UTI sometimes she has them, sometimes not. She finished the antibiotics a couple weeks ago. She refuses to even wipe after peeing so they seem inevitable. I was thinking at home, being able to be with me and the kids would be best for her... as the grandkids were her everything before, but things are not working out like that.
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Your mom is severely mentally ill. Thinking “maybe we just need meds to calm the voices” is not the answer. You are way beyond this point.

How do you know she won’t become violent towards you or your kids?

As your kids get older they’ll have the stress and bad memories of grandma acting crazy and peeing on the floor. Do you want that for them? You’re used to Moms problems, but they are not. Yes it would be difficult to bring all four kids to visit her in a facility... it will be way more difficult for your kids to undo the mental damage living with her will cause. And you will feel terrible knowing this damage could have been prevented.

I get the sense that you have probably been Mom’s caretaker (and thinking something, or some medication, can help her) since you were a kid yourself. The roles got reversed a long time ago. Now you have your own kids that HAVE to come first. You likely have bad memories growing up with her... do you want your kids to have the same bad memories?

Mom won’t get better. No med is going to fix this. Alzheimer’s is bad enough; Alzheimer’s and schizophrenia is a recipe for true disaster.

The question isn’t “how to convince her to use the toilet?”... it’s “How can I get Mom in a safe place so my own kids will be safe, and how quickly can it be done?”.
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Dbullock Jun 2020
I appreciate this response as I truly am considering placement although it’s not my desire. So, last year my mom was in a psych ward for 3 months. They put her on anti-psych meds and she came home functional and not delusional at all. I will admit, she was a bit sleepy/ zombie like... but she was able to focus on tasks, enjoy our company and even help out... At some point around Feb of this year, things just started going back downhill to her pre-hospital state. It might have been the UTI, but she really just never got right. I know you say more meds won’t work and that I am beyond that... but from the experimenting with drugs that they did in the psych ward to find something for her, I can tell you. THEY WORK. They, for sure can quiet the crazy... but it’s like they quiet her too! Like a loss of personality/ robotic... which I NEVER wanted for her.

As for the kids, she watched and cared for the 4 and 6 year olds a lot when they were little. They saw her everyday and they were best friends. She bought them everything and turned her whole house into a play place (I’m sure the irrationality of that was partially the dementia)... anyway, they are fiercely protective of her and were sad when she was away at the hospital for those months. They know that granny’s brain is broken, but tend to ignore her. They are also learning about humility, that people aren’t perfect and that we take care for the people that we care about. They learn it’s okay to be frustrated sometime, to forgive and to start each day fresh. Hopefully those things stick.

Anyway, thank you for the comment and I will consider what you have said.
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