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For me, the hardest part about dementia is trying to get in their world. I know it’s best if we as caregivers just “go with it”, but when what they say makes no sense - or it’s a direct question (that makes no sense), what do you do/say? How do I begin to have a conversation when it sounds 100% logical (but because I know my father, his life, and our family, I know it’s not).
My mind is on overload all the time because I try to dissect everything my father says (because I keep thinking he IS trying to make sense and say something to me). He struggles to get the sentence out, he mixes up words (calls my husband, my father or calls my daughter - his granddaughter, my sister) and he just says crazy things (last week he called to tell me that he was in a plane crash - that’s why he was there and not home - but not to worry, he’s fine). He also asks me if I’ve talked to “his mother” (my grandmother, who has been deceased for at least 10 years). I try to be in his world, but slowly it’s making me crazy! I feel like I’m losing touch with my world.

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We all wish we were better at responding to our LOs unanswerable questions. They might think YOUR response to their question or statement is crazy. I always tried to pick up on questions and would reply with something like "what do you think?". For the plane crash something like "Oh, I'm so sorry, dad, is everyone OK?". Or, "I haven't heard from g'ma in a while but I'm sure she's OK". Or I changed the conversation by "I don't know but they say it's suppose to rain today". Don't let it make you crazy. The fact that you responded to them is probably more important than the answer to their question.

It's exhausting just to come up with replies to their statements. But it's what makes a dementia caregiver a special person. You can't compare a dementia caregiver's role to that of any other disease.
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At the moment, rather then get into his world, you're trying to make sense of what he says in the context of this world at this moment - 15:09 hrs BST on Tuesday 29th April.

Think of memory as built up in layers. Take an example - his mother is someone he talks to regularly. That puts him in roughly what decade? That's where he is now. You go there, and then through questions and prompts you bring him back to the actual time - preferably something nice, like time for supper.
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The illogical conversations are their world. Once you accept this, greave for the lost, it gets little better to mentally deal with it.
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I. recommend reading everything Oliver Sacks ever wrote about the demented mind whether from age related onset of dementias or from mental problems. He tried honestly to almost live in their world to understand it and how and why their minds worked as they did. Later writings have more about dementia. His point was that THEIR worlds are very real worlds; they just are not OUR worlds, nor can we make them so. You are overthinking and over trying and I have heard so many spouses of caregivers get along better because they insert humor for themselves and their elders, while the caregiver spends more time searching for answers and distraught. Start with "The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat" perhaps earlier and one of the easier reads, essays about how different minds work. Sacks was completely enamored of the human mind in all its conceptions.
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You have to just go to wherever they are. Continue in the conversation as if it is normal. It’s kind of like talking to a small child who doesn’t quite understand his world. We see that as great and cute. We gently explain to them, speak at their level, and find humor in what they say. It’s the same with dementia patients. Yes, if a stranger walked in the room and overheard the conversation, they’d probably be puzzled, but it only matters that we’re communicating with our loved one. Sadly, dementia will continue to erode more and more of the patient’s mind, so we have to become accustomed to going with the flow. Don’t worry so much about what they are saying. Trying to analyze their every word will only stress you further. Save your energy and just go on whatever adventure they’re on.
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You can't get in to that world. The best advice is what you mentioned - just go with it. You cannot argue a broken brain in to being fixed or corrected on what really happened.
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Oh how painful it is to remember who our loved one was... They are aging backwards. They become rebellious teenagers, then little needy young kids, then they become very dependent toddlers and eventually totally helpless babies...
We constantly adjust to their world and their needs. We do not understand what they say but we pay attention to them, we remain calm, we convey love and empathy ,we calm them down and we redirect them to a fun moment, like play ball, do a puzzle, eat a snack, play a song etc etc.
They forget quickly what they want or how they feel. We are the ones suffering, as we are holding the pain in our heart and in our memory.
Let go and let God is my motto.
🌺
We must remember to ALSO have self care and self empathy as we live with the ups and downs and the confusion that dementia brings to all of us
🙏
I pray for all of us to have patience, go with the flow, accept the fact that we are grieving for all we have lost and create happy moments for our loved one and for ourselves.
Not easy, but necessary.
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He can't come into your world so you have to go into his.
I know it's hard to have two realities going at one time but it's what has to happen.
What you're describing sounds like his dementia is progressing or he is on some medications that are not agreeing with him. You didn't explain where he is but since you said that he called you, it makes me think that he doesn't live with you.
Check his meds. If he's on a very strong pain med, it may be causing the gibberish.
If it's not the meds, then just accept what he says and try to go with that reality.
Telling him that he is not making sense will not help the situation.
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About the plane crash thing you could just say "I'm sorry to hear about that but glad that you are okay. Now are you resting and taking care of yourself?" You acknowledge his statement and show concern at the same time. As far as have you talked to whomever simply say either"Yes a couple days ago and they seem to be doing well." Or "No i haven't for a couple days, I guess I should give them a call." See if that works to ease their mind a bit. It is hard but by just side stepping a bit it will be easier with time.
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I tried to have conversation with my mother it’s just not possible she does call me by my name but insists I’m her sister. Because she never had children. It’s hard to be her caregiver knowing she doesn’t know I exist. But just agree on whether they say, because in 5 minutes or the next day they won’t remember anything you or they said.
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My 96 yr old Dad is living in his own home as what he wanted. He has 24 7 Caregivers as what he needs.

When I call or go to visit, I just go with the flow, just like you wojkd with a child.

Dont worry about him not knowing peoples names or getting mixed up who is who. Just do and say things to make him happy.
If he asks about someone that has died, no need to tell him the person is dead as he will forget anyway and no point in having him relive their death time and time again.
When I go visit my 96 yr old Dad who has very short memory but sometimes remembers a few bits and piecess of the good old days.

He started calling the Caregivers Grandma a few months ago. Fine with me, he can call them whatever he likes as long as it's not rude.
He knows I'm his daughter because sonetimes he'll tell the Caregiver that, he'll say Hi Honey but probably doesn't remember my name and it doesn't matter.

Im happy he can feed himself and let the Caregivers know when he's hungry or have to go to the bathroom. They'll be both good and bad days and make the most of the good ones and forget about the bad ones.

The main thing is use your imagination, don't try to change his mind or Correct what he says or constantly saying Don't you remember or I just told you. Have Patience just like he had to do with you when you were a baby and asking all the What is this and Whys...You'll be where he us soon enough. Treat him as you would wish to be treated.
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Your father sounds like he has some insult to the "language part of his brain" that has to do with expressing "correct words". He is trying to communicate an idea and he fills it with inappropriate words, not cursing but not the correct word for idea he is trying to express. If you ask him for more details, he will probably give you enough of a clue about what the true situation/idea is. Approach it as you would learning a foreign language. Listen carefully. Ask questions when you are not sure what is being said. Relax! If dad is healthy, safe and fairly happy - he's ok and you will be too.
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I have said this hundreds of times before but few people listen. When these people have dementia and are gone, they will never, ever be able to have good behavior and be normal in any sense. That is a sad fact. But YOU are the survivor still here who has to deal with those problems. When the time comes that their actions are having a very negative impact on YOU and it is affecting you mentally and physically, then you must do something about it at once or they will destroy you and I don't think you deserve that. Either get a caretaker or remove them and place them somewhere safe. I am sorry but there simply is no other way - you will lose.
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Speaking from being my mother’s caregiver with Alzheimers 12 years ago and now my husbands. I have experienced what you are going through. It was harder for me the first time. I said what I went through with her was training for what I am going through with my husband.

You need to agree. I find just saying yes, ok, it is, but mostly....that’s ok. That’s ok helps to keep him calm. If you think you will be able to carry on a normal conversation with him, you won’t. That is hard, I know. When this hit me hard with hubby, I reasoned with myself that the way I had to treat it was as if I was living alone. There would be no conversation when alone. I do not bring up the past because he has no memory of that. I never use the word, remember, he can’t. Do we talk about things, yes we do. The weather, the birds, what we are eating, what we are wearing, if we are going to get in the car, etc. His world has gotten much smaller, due to the brain and he is ok with that. If my hubby wants to talk about his Army days, with not true info, so be it. Take a deep breath.
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Hi Anna
I can’t say I have an exact answer to that . With my dad I tried to understand where he was coming from but it was difficult to pinpoint. One day he was happy to see me and would greet me as his daughter and two days later I was Mela(my name) but he would tell the aid his wife was here. Are they confusing words, thoughts ,? Probably.
I would question him on visits to assess what he knew to be true about his current situation. It was never clear or the same way each time we met
He thought he was in an apartment or a house and he would make reference to finding a place for the family to live.
On one visit I asked him what place he was referring to and he named a street he lived on when he was younger and lived with his mom.
He remembered me, my mom , my son and husband by name which was comforting. I believe the confusion would be at different levels on different days and difficult to totally understand.
Sometimes I felt these beliefs were ok and at least his being in a facility was not totally understood by him. He wasn’t unhappy, he talked about how he was doing, what bothered him and I felt the stress was more on me and other family members,
I wish I could say more. Be comforted on knowing your doing all you can and they are finding comfort in seeing you . Even when they confuse you for someone else it is the brain not performing the way it should.
Even when my dad thought I was his wife , I guess it was ok at least that made him happy.

Best to you
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When my 90-yr-old mother starts trying to communicate, it is usually gibberish with other words substituted for the correct ones. I always say things like, "Wow, that must have been scary," or "I am so sorry you had to go through that", or some reply to fit whatever emotions she seems to be expressing. It is hard. It is also hard to see her frustration when she can't get her spoken thoughts verbalized. She sometimes just says, "Oh, never mind. I just won't talk."

I have yet to figure out where "her world" is so I can go there. She never talks about the past or people from her past. Actually, she does not talk much at all until she goes to bed each night and goes to sleep and then all kinds of talking begins! I have a monitor in my room so I can hear her yelling and moaning and carrying on lots of conversations with no-telling who! Surprisingly enough, sometimes her sentences even make sense, but that is certainly the exception.

Sometimes she knows me, sometimes she does not. She hardly ever knows where she is, even in her own home of 47 years. I have eliminated the word "remember" from my vocabulary when speaking with her. And, these are the easy times now. Sadly, it only gets worse.
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Imho, do not try to get into his world as it is not possible. He has a brain which is broken and your's is not. Just redirect.
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