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I'm living with my elderly mom who is showing signs of early dementia. I moved in with her at her invitation almost two years ago when my dad went in to long term care. At the time I had lost my full time job, and have not been able to find another one. (I have some health issues myself.). I do work part-time, but it would not allow me to get my own place.
She has these fits where she verbally abuses me, putting me down for losing my job, accusing me of not helping with stuff (even though she gets upset when I offer to help,), etc. She then proceeds to threaten to throw me out.
Can she do this?

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Of course she can throw you out. It’s her house. But she has to do it legally which means she has to go through the eviction process. Let me ask you this though—why do you want to stay and subjected to her abuse? I realize she has dementia but you aren’t her human punching bag.
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Shell38314 Jan 2020
Worried, the OP probably has no where to go...that is what happened to me!
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Can I suggest that you just do things that need to be done instead of offering. I always figured if you were living in someone else's home that you do everything you can to simplify things for them and you do it the way they want to the best of your ability.

Ask forgiveness and start being indispensable to the household, because she can kick you out and I would bet she doesn't need to do a legal eviction, one 911 call and you would be gone.
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lealonnie1 Jan 2020
Ask forgiveness for what???
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Please get yourself out of there as soon as possible. Start today, now. Tonight. Go on public assistance, do everything possible to get out of this situation. The longer you stay the more it will erode your very spirit.
Save yourself and don't look back.
Hugs and good luck and you deserve a better life!!
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yankeetooter Jan 2020
Thanks! I am looking into Section 8 housing, which I'm eligible for, but the waiting list can be a year or more. So I don't know what I can do until then.
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My mother was doing the same thing to me. Invited my sig other and I to move in with her then she went in for the kill. I stuck it out because she has dementia and my brother was stealing from her and stealing my decease dad's things. I just helped where I could at first, but as time went on she has calm down. Plus, I just told her that she will not abuse me in anyway or I will leave then I will make a call for someone to do a wellness check.

This is a really tough spot to be in...on one hand, you feel that you can't leave them in the state they are in, but you can't stay and be abused! Just try to help where you can and try not to be overly helpful ; I found out that this was making my mother feel threatened. I need let her know I was here to help...in time she started letting me do more.

Only you can figure out what is the best road to take in this very hard and hurtful situation.
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I read in another comment you were going to apply for Section 8 housing......great idea! I'm sorry you're being put thru all of this, I really am. There is NO logic to dementia. No arguing with it, no fixing it, nothing. You can get on mom's good side for a moment and then she'll forget all about it and wham, be back on you like white on rice. No matter how much you do, it likely won't be enough or it won't be done properly. The arguing is incredible....I've never seen anything like it.

The only answer is to get OUT of there asap, like Rbuser1 said. Keep looking for a fulltime job and don't give up hope. It took me for-freaking-ever to find my current job and it came along when I least expected it.

Wishing you good luck and Godspeed on the next leg of your journey, my friend.
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yankeetooter Jan 2020
Thanks. I'm just worried about the long waiting list. It can take upwards of a year.
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I'm surprised about the previous comment that one call to 911 and you would be kicked out. My guess is that if you sit tight, nothing like that would happen. Get local legal advice, perhaps, and tell anyone who comes to check that she needs the help because of early dementia. If you can calm things down, ignore the threats, and keep on offering help, you may be able to wait out the time until your housing comes up in the queue. Good luck!
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Yankeetooter, Isthisreallyreal can’t be for real. She always says hurtful comments. Don’t pay any attention to her. I completely understand what you are saying Yankeetooter. You try to help and she won’t let you. I go through the same thing with my mother. I agree with the other posters that you need to get a full time job and get out of the house and get your own place.
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 2020
She hasn't been able to find a full time job in 2 years. Great advice.
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Don’t ask for forgiveness yankeetooter. You didn’t do anything wrong. Some people on here like to push your buttons.
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My god no wonder people leave this site!! Calling somebody prickly? Get Real, ISTHISREALLYREAL!!!
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ohmeowzer Jan 2020
yes this is real and all feelings are valid . This is the real deal ,,,
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If we wanted to hear snarky comments we would go visit our mothers!!!
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ohmeowzer Jan 2020
my mom was a wonderful lady and i would give anything to visit her again she passed away 2 years ago and i loved her so much . Not all moms are bad, my mom was lovely and sweet and i still cry for her i miss her so much . Please be more gentle in your comments some of us are grieving ..and the day my mom died was one of the saddest days of my life so cherish your time with your mom .
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Yes. Of course she can. Inviting somebody to stay with you does not commit you to having them live with you forever, now, does it?

But I don't think whether she can or will or would want to kick you out onto the streets is the real question. Isn't this more about how to get your own life back on track, and at the same time make sure she has the support she needs, when your living in the same house with her has become stressful and difficult?

Is your father still living in long term care? How is your mother coping with life generally?

Do you have any support with your own needs?
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Yankee, not that it necessarily makes a particular difference, but are you a son or a daughter? Forgive my asking, just trying to get a picture.
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yankeetooter Jan 2020
A daughter...
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An apology need not be an acknowledgement of wrong doing. Sometimes it's just a statement or acknowledgement of regret for another's pain or upset.

I'm sorry you're not feeling well this morning Mom, but you still need to eat a little something.

I'm sorry your knee is sore this afternoon, maybe it will feel better after you keep it up and the swelling in your lower legs goes down.

I'm sorry you're out of sorts today.

We can be truly sorry someone is upset or in pain without in any way being "wrong" or responsible. I consider these statements an acknowledgement of another's emotional state and an attempt to comfort. As I told the kids long ago, you should always be able to sincerely state you are sorry/regret someone you care about is having a hard time whatever reasons created their difficulty. I find these acknowledgements helpful when dealing with people in physical or emotional pain or suffering dementia.
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Technically she can.
If you wanted to make it difficult she might have to go to court to have you evicted.

I have to wonder why you would want to stay in a house where someone verbally abuses you.

There are ways to obtain housing assistance and depending on your age Senior Housing might be an option.
Have you looked into financial assistance for yourself?
Have you looked to determine if you qualify for SS Disability?

If you think she is not capable or safe living on her own you could make a report to Adult Protective Services and they would follow up. (this would be once you have moved out if you are providing care for her now)

But bottom line..
Her house...her rules. If she wants you out then you have to leave. (I am assuming you have no rental agreement in writing)
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worriedinCali Jan 2020
Her mom can’t just kick her out and if she wants OP to leave, then it doesn’t matter if there is a rental agreement. The OP has been there 2 years and has established residency. Therefore she has rights. Her mom can’t just kick her out.
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yes she can , she invited you there ,,she has the right to ask you to leave . Why stay where you are not wanted and treated poorly ... I would move ..i wish you well and hope everything turns out ok,..life is to short to be treated poorly
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I think applying with Section 8 is a great idea. I know you are worry about the waiting list but don't! You will be surprise about how fast it can move. I have found (through a friend who use to be responsible for a waiting list for Section 8) that some of the people on the list are living somewhere else and don't need Section 8, but never took their name off the list. Others move out-of-state to live with a friend or family member again didn't take their name off the list.

However, I have the feeling that your mother isn't going to kick you out and she says things like that as a "power play" that is what my mother was doing. "You have to do this or I will kick you out!" "You know, if it wasn't for me you would have no where to live." "This is my house and so you have to do xyz or I'll kick you out." See where I am going with this? These are a few things my mother use to say to me then one day, I just told her "I am moving out!" My mother's tune change real quick. The truth of the matter was she just wanted someone to bully and really didn't want to live alone in this big old house! So, when I told her I was moving out it deflated her sails...she stop!

You have done nothing wrong. Keep looking for a full-time job. Put your name on as many of the Section list as you can, plus some landlords take Section 8 for their apartments so look into them as well!

Some people really don't get just how hard it is in today's world then add that your own mother wants to hurt you can be enough to drive you insane!

Just hang in there "this to shall pass."

Hugs!!!
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Thank you, ohmeowzer... Straightforward, to the point, and you answered the OP's original question.
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you said its been 2 years since you were able to find a full time job , keep trying don't give up . Do not ever give up looking. I am glad you are on the waiting list for section 8 even if its a year ...you said you had health problems have you applied for social security disability and medicaid ? Start now
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yankeetooter Jan 2020
I'm on Medicaid based in my income. My health issues are not bad enough to get me disability, but make things more difficult.
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There are ALWAYS two or more sides to every question asked on this forum. Some long-time members of this forum do try to push the OP to look at their own needs, desires, culpabilities, and responsibilities in whatever situation they are asking about. I think that is a good thing and not done to make the OP feel bad; but, rather, to try to help the OP look outside the narrow emotional response that prompted the question in the first place.

I've said it before...
"These are very difficult topics with many possible solutions, which is why this message board even exists. We are all just trying to give advice based on our own experiences. You don't have to take the advice, and you can even disagree with it, but know that we are all just trying to help."
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Unfortunately for you, yes, she can, of coarse that doesn't mean that she will, it may just a way of manipulating you to get you to do what she wants, when she wants it done.

Anyway, my father always said "Finding a job, is a full time job", perhaps you need to put more effort into finding a full time job. Eventually you will most likely have to move anyway, so why not make a plan to get back on your feet.

Good Luck!
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Thank you lealonnie for coming to my defense. I know a lot of people have different opions. Different opinions are fine. I just don’t think people should be calling any of the OPs PRICKLY or SPOILED BRATS!!! I think some of those people could be sensitive to the name calling on here. Thank you again lealonnie.
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