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Wow....my sis and I thought we were the only ones with parents that expect us to put them first in our lives.....no matter our health, children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. I had a mental breakdown and have been recovering for two years. My parents are devorcied. I am the only one of 6 kids that has anything to do with dad. He never took care of any of us so I can't really blame them. I am mentally worn out with dad. I am an hour and a half away from the nursing home and get 3 or 4 calls from him each and every day. Always something he wants me to do. I am exhausted. My sister lives in another city and has a similar situation with my mother. I pray I do not do this to my children.
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wamnanealz, one has to remember that not every case is the same. Some of us are senior citizens with our OWN age decline health issues who are trying to help in some way for much older parents.

I am pushing 70 myself. Glad to read that you are still fit. Five years ago I was a gym rat, hiked in the woods, was very healthy, worked full time at my career then wham cancer hit, took me totally by surprised, surprised my doctors, had zero warning and had no markers saying it would happen. That in itself was a huge game changer. Now I can barely walk a mile where in the past my sig other and I would hike 20 miles on a weekend.

So instead of me retiring early to travel the world since I don't know when the cancer will return, what I am doing is overseeing the care of my parents who refuse to move into a retirement village [this isn't a nursing home nor assistant living, it's like living at a 5-star resort] which would give them MORE freedom then they have now. And give me MORE freedom to try to resume my life. Would I walk away from my parents, of course not. I try to help the best I can. But it can be emotionally draining.

Thank goodness for this website to help with my sanity and to share information. We all need to vent once in awhile.
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JessieBell, ah yes "mother's little helper" pills.... and I remember when my Mom was feeling a bit under the weather, her doctor would take her hand and place his hands on her hands and say "Now, now, dear, why don't you go out and buy yourself a new hat. That will make you feel better". Imagine if a doctor today said that to any one of us :P
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My parents are 90 and my sisters and I take turns taking care of them. My parents took care of my mother's mother when she got old and infirm. The rest of my grandparents died younger and more suddenly. My grandparents took care of their parents. I think in many families this is the norm, and so it is the expectation.

You also have to keep in mind that assisted living is a relatively new concept, as are retirement communities where relatively healthy people live among those who need more care. In my parents' experience, you took care of yourself, then your kids took care of you, and once you need a nursing home you're going to die pretty quickly. They dread going to a nursing home. Assisted living wasn't even on the radar because they don't really know what it is. At this point, they aren't candidates for that either. There are a lot of days we are tempted to put them in a nursing home, but frankly, it is so expensive and they just don't have the money. So we will care for them at home until we just can't do it any longer. The least expensive nursing home in their area would cost $54,000 per year for just one of them. My cousin had to put her FIL in Alzheimers care and it was $100K annually.

I agree with others that the elderly seem to be living longer, and medical science has certainly made it possible to live with ailments that would have killed a person a generation ago. Some elderly people I know take 20 - 30 prescription meds every single day. (My parents each take 3.) But I know that my folks expected us to care for them because they cared for their folks and the previous generation did too.
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I think they lose track, or lose perspective, when their consciousness becomes drawn inward by illness, pain, loss of mental facilities. Fierce independence gets pushed aside by fear and need. My aunt had planned for years, even built an addition onto her house for a future caregiver, but by the time she needed it she couldn't deal with having a stranger live their and giving it up as her space. She wouldn't pay for help, but she would give money away freely to people she felt grateful to. We had to hire help and tell her it was covered. She repeatedly talked about how she needed no one and her grandsons were too far away and she wouldn't bother them, but then would talk about how they didn't care. I stayed for 6 months since I am retired, her grandsons chipped in and finally found a situation that suits her, thanks to the an available and willing family friend. BUT.. there is the very real danger of someone taking advantage of these needy and trusting folks. As with my aunt, a "Friend" can reinforce her feelings of abandonment, convince her he is her ONLY real friend, and then reach deep into her pocketbook. He told her over and over that her family didn't care and he was her only friend. It is important to find the balance between giving a person support, maintaining your own life and health, and leaving your loved one vulnerable to the even more narcissistic predators who can and will take advantage.
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wamnanealz, you won't get any flack here for your compassion and love for your family. I think that mutual respect is what makes the difference in families. The caregivers who are not being respected by parents and siblings seem to have the hardest time. You seem to have that respect within your family.
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This whole section makes me sick. I am 70 and have taken care of my parents and my brother in law an now my husband because I love them. It was not what was expected. It was offered by me to be their caregiver. I have survived it all while at the same time teaching for 43 years. I had to retire three years ago to care for my husband who is now getting end stage of Alzheimer's. What ever happened to generosity and love of parents? I can't believe how selfish and self absorbed you all sound! I think when you are this old you will be very surprised at what happens in your senior years and you are the one needing care. At age 70 I am completely well and active and I feel this part of my wedding vows. That I would love and cherish until death do us part. I plan to care for my husband for as long as I can physically do it. No one helps me except for friends who call me and meet me occasionally for lunch or dinner. It is true the older generation has more compassion than the selfish "ME" generation. I know I will get a lot of flack about this but I don't care. I am doing the best I possible can for my elders and my beloved family! If you have a hateful parent, then I would not do for that parent. Just don't do it!
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Babalou, Enjoyed your post about your Irish grandmother and her reaction to 'rehab' and your comments in general. There was no army of PTs, OTs, PTAs, OTAs, and SLPs in my grandmother's day (b. 1882). No hip or knee replacements or modern-day meds. Our generation is being asked/expected to step up on an unprecedented scale. And I agree with others here who have said that most of our own parents never had to do what we are doing, nor would they probably if confronted by such a situation. When my parents married, only one of their parents was still alive, and my parents moved an hour away and placed that parent in an apartment. They visited regularly, but did not provide 24/7 oversight. That parent died of pneumonia in a nursing home after a very brief illness. So by year #8 of my parent's marriage, they were on their own. They never had to bathe their parents, administer meds, empty bed pans, change diapers, etc.

My mom has been in rehab on 3 separate occasions; post-kyphoplasty, post-wrist fracture, post-UTI. And every time I am in those places I witness the daily marches to and from the physical therapy room. A percentage (often the younger ones) go gladly; but some look reluctant or resigned; and some don't want to go at all and say so. Our society does not allow people to slow down at a time in life when many folks don't have a grasp on reality anymore. They are just getting through each moment. They wake up in the a.m. and think 'OK, I'm still here.' Or some don't/can't think at all, don't know where they are. They go with the flow, whatever it may be, because they have to. When I think of my mom's life (91 and still mentally 'here', and thankfully, a sweetheart who is grateful for what I do for her), I don't think I would want it for myself---dependent on everybody. I am still relatively young, but am looking into LTC insurance.

As some here have said, many of today's seniors have outstanding medical care in contrast to younger generations. My mom has fantastic insurance while my husband and I have a 10K deductible. She sees an army of doctors 25-30 times a year. We may go once a year, if that. Will our generation make it as far as our parents? Will we want to? And if we do, will the same level of support be there? Personally, I don't think so. Upcoming generations are very self-absorbed and our media, and society in general, encourages that. I joke with my husband about making sure we have an 'escape plan'. But maybe it's no joke!
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Oh, horrors. No wonder women needed "mother's little helper" pills.
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Let's not forget in the summer time when our Mom's were hanging the sheets outside, back then it was white sheets and you had to have had the whitest sheets on the block. And I remember my Mom ironing the sheets because they weren't perma pressed. Heck, I remember ironing sheets, too, when I was first married :P
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I guess no one realized that ring around the collar was an invention of the advertising agencies. No one sees it; no one cares. Our poor mom's were certainly sold a bill of goods by the "Madmen"!
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Babalou, I know my Mom would never go back out into the workforce because her *job* was to take care of the house, take care of me, and have dinner on the table when Dad came home from work. And all that took all the hours in the day to do.

It took me a while to figure out how it would take Mom most of the day to do a couple loads of laundry back when Dad was still working. Well, sorting the clothes, soaking the clothes, treating the stains, scrubbing the ring around the collar on Dad's white shirts, putting the clothes in the washer.... then put the clothes in the dryer for a few minutes, take them out of the dryer, carrying the clothes down to the basement and hang each and every item on the clotheslines. After awhile taking down Dad's white shirts from the clothesline while still damp, rolling up the shirts and putting them into the refrigerator so she could iron the shirts in the afternoon. Then onto the second load of clothes. OMG.
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Babalou - Glory hallelujah and Amen. You nailed it. My mom has never understood that my professional career is not like the jobs she had in the textile mill, the drugstore cafe, the dry-cleaner's, etc. that you could just drop out of for any length of time and then go back. (She did that pretty frequently.) If I dropped out of my profession for even a year I would have a very hard time finding work again. I would lose my certification. I would drop from a senior way back down to a junior pay grade. I would lose all my medical benefits! My husband and children are the only people on earth I would voluntarily give that up for, without a question. But they would never, ever demand it of me. The concept of losing out on 15+ years of salary and savings is a pretty drastic thing to ask.

Lastresort - Your mom needs to fund herself - period. You are shortchanging yourself by taking out of YOUR savings. Sit down and calculate the interest you have lost out on because of that. It's more than just the dollar amount you spent. You can hold on with an iron hand too. When they say manipulative things like "you don't love me" it is 100% pure emotional blackmail. You don't need to be yanked around like that.

My mom has said all those lovely things to me to get her way. She used to reduce me to tears on a daily basis. Once I got married & had my first, I realized how mothers are supposed to be. I began a journey of rejecting that kind of shabby treatment from her, changing my responses to it, changing my expectations from her. It was hard and so stressful. My husband has helped me find my voice and my boundaries. It's taken a long, long time but the old dog has no teeth anymore. The other supportive folks on this site made a huge difference too. There really is strength in numbers.
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I guess my experience was different. I was raised being told the reason my mom had me was to have someone to take care of her in her old age. It was supposed to be my responsibility since she had taken care of her mom for 13years. From when i was in kindergarten until after my freshman year at college. She was never there for me growing up but as an only child i, my children and grandchildren are supposed to make whatever sacrifices are necessary for her comfort and support. She has some money in the bank,not a lot but is holding on with an iron hand for her "old age". My husband and I are 61, I have spent some of my savings getting her what she needs. By the way the womanis 97. I think her old age has arrived. I have slept on hospital room floors in a sleeping bag when she had heart surgery 13years ago and put the 9year old grandson in daycare for one year so I could go take care of her but I only hear how I dont love her or do enough. She was active in the church when i was a child and i have heard how lucky i am she is my mother...if they only knew.
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I am grateful for several people in my extended family...my mom's older dister, my sister in law and her mom, all of whom showed my mom over the years that women could work and still be spectacularly good wives and mothers. My mother always said that she was too tired to work outside the home. In retrospect, I believe she was exhausted from pretending that life was 1950's June Cleaver perfect. Depression takes a lot out of you. Once I got mine treated, I was able to move mountains (have kids, go to grad school, have a successful career and second marriage).
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Bravo, Babalou, I couldn't have said it better.

My parents think I should retire and let my sig other pay my way.... they are of the era where a man was King of his castle and he took care of his beloved. The last time my Mom worked outside of the home for a paycheck was 1946.

I might see the 'sense of entitlement' show up if my Dad should pass on first, as Mom would probably insist I quit work and come live with her. It won't be easy to convince her I can't do that. She would outlive me. On the other hand, Dad likes being around people of his own age group, so getting him to move to a retirement village would be easy, like sending a kid to summer camp :)
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I've been thinking about this post alot. My grandmother, who was born in 1884 in Ireland, was certainly not someone who could have been said to have a sense of entitlement. She had a sense, rather, of the way things were done. So when she fell and broke her hip in 1965, she lay back on her hospital pillow and said to her lady friends " I'm going to be an invalid. My daughters will care for me". I have no doubt that that was how things would have played out 50 years earlier. But my mother, who had three young children, found out about this new thing called "rehab", which was in part fueled by the availability of Medicare. Rehab? My grandmother never heard of such a thing. People forcing her to stand and walk, after hip surgery? Outrageous!

Grandma was in rehab about 2 miles from where we lived. We went to see her once a week, during which time she berated my mom for putting her there. My told her, we can't take care of you unless you can walk. Grandma sucked it up and learned to walk with a walker, and eventually went back to her little apartment in the Bronx.

My point is this. Our parents can't imagine our lives. They grew up in an era in which there was usually someone at home caring for kids or elders. Nursing homes were hellholes. Only bad parents sent their children to daycare; and only bad children sent their parents to "those places".

Our 2 career, or single parent, or single wage earner lives have us stressed to the max. There is no extra time and no extra money. There is no benevolent boss saying, sure take two weeks at full pay. We need to do what we have to to get care for our parents. Sometimes that includes things that our parents can't imagine could be workable. But we have to take care of ourselves and our families, first and foremost. That is the way it SHOULD be. If you have to push back, so be it.
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My mother is the poster child for the narcissicistic old lady. She was angry with me for going away to college, going farther away to get married, having children, and having a career. I told her point blank years ago that I absolutely would not leave all that because she would not plan for old age. She insisted she would never get that old, that she'd never need help, and that she'd be carried out of her house in a pine box. Also, don't I dare have any black people take care of her.

Really? Yes, really. Well guess what. She is in care at a wonderful place where most of the care workers are black. I don't care if somebody is a moose with tinfoil antlers if they will take good care of mom.

She created this whole fantasy before I moved her 1800 miles, that she was going to live with me and never lift another finger. She had told everybody that I was going to wait on her hand & foot. She would have very angry times when in her apartment, and then in the nursing home that I did not have her in my house. She didnt understand anymore. I never once ever said she would live with us, but it didn't matter.
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Utzie50, that's an excellent question.... I think people are *dying slower* [good choice of words]. I know both my parents never thought they would live to be in their mid-90's.

Good heavens, living to 110+... that would mean their grown children who are 85 to 90 would be trying to care for their parent(s). Are researchers crazy? What great-great-grandchild wants to Caregive for 3 generations?
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I think all of these new meds are allowing people to live longer....and when I hear of researchers saying they want to push our life expectency to 110 and older I ask WHY? I don't want to live that long and just because you can it doesn't mean that you should! I look at my mama lying in bed in end stage ALZ and I know for sure I don't want that....shouldn't it be quality of life? not just quantity?
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Here's a good question to pose on this post: Are we living longer or dying slower? My MIL- mid stage dementia would cry over & over that she wanted to die & my SIL, in her frustration, would tell her to just stop taking her meds. MIL takes fists full of meds that keep her going. Go back half century & she probably would not have made it to the age she is now -90. Sorry to sound cold about this but it's true. However, my own & parents died in their 70's; both took many meds for chronic illnesses too. So you never know.
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worriedaboutdad: Your children come first, your children come first, your children come first. Tell your fiance & dad that's the law.
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Oh gosh, Texarkana, I had to chuckle at that post :)
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I want to at least outlive my mom by 30 minutes.
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CarlaCB AMEN!
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I wonder how many of us here will live to be the same age as our parents? I know I will never reach my Mom's age of 97, nor my Dad's age of 93. Right now I am hoping to reach 75, if that :(
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I did want you all to know that I am a caregiver also and have a family with 2 grown children and 1 grandchild and I have told ALL of them that I have LTC insurance and I want to be placed in a facility should I become incapacitated. I have been helping take care of my mom (who is in end-stage ALZ) for at least 7 to 8 years. I wouldn't put any of them through this! and have already started to make arrangements so it won't happen and I told them I don't want them to feel guilty about it either.
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As soon as I try to do dishes, I hear this chorus of "NO's". It comes rapid fire. NONONONONONONONOO... And I run in and there is nothing really wrong.

As a result, sometimes dishes build. I just want out. I DID NOT want to be a part of a longstanding precedent that was there long before me that I can never understand. I am so, so over all of it. I just want to leave because of it. It is NEVER fair to engage someone in the fairy tale of just a normal life and building a family and then bring along the elder parent who will ALWAYS. ALWAYS be asking for your partner and they obliging over children and you. I HATE IT.
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Your babies are your most important concern and you tell him that. He can walk, talk and feed himself, remind him the babies cannot and they need you. Set up the boundaries now and hold to them hard. Oh, if he can be trusted, while you are cooking make him be a caregiver for the babies, at least the older one. Say to him 'I know you want to help out here and give us a hand, so why don't you play with the little one while I give the baby her bath/feed her (anything)'. Then plop the 18 month old next to him on the couch with a toy , take the baby and walk out of the room...(at this point I think I would be in another room where I could watch what was going on, just to be on the safe side). Let him take care of someone for a little while and 18 months old is a great age. Let us see what he TRULY is made of. Of course if he has dementia throw out all prior advice of leaving him with the babies once in awhile. Hugs to all, Linda
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I will never forget a conversation I had with my fiancee's dad. He fell, broke a rib, I took him to the emergency room, they confirmed it, his oxygen was at 82. He had to stay overnight. You know what? I knew he was in good hands and it was the nicest night I had ever had with my guy. It felt like a new beginning. I could breath again. Suddenly there were a flurry of calls from the hospital. He was demanding his son come to see him, wondered where I was (loving my OWN life and the respite for a brief moment), threats to check himself out of the hospital AMA. I wanted him to be treated, one, to rest, secondly, but was well aware that after a few days he is entitled to a lot more from the hospital as far as options from there. His doctor in the advanced care unit actually had no problem telling us that he was hiding from our dad, because our dad became so awful. He just wanted his home. But, you know what? After the colossal fit he threw, he was checked out and they stuck a big oxygen tank in my van while I drove back home, so deflated.
About a month later, I brought up the fact that I was about to have a baby and already had another baby to take care of, asking him if he could hire a caregiver for him because I was going to be very overwhelmed.

His answer?

"WHY? You are here."

That was the worst feeling in the world. When did I become his servant? He is always asking where my fiancee is. And if he can't do for his dad it falls on me. And now things are only getting more care-intensive and I have a beautiful 3 month old and an 18 month old. I always thought it was supposed to work the other way. The babies have priority. I am learning the hard way that that doesn't happen sometimes. I HATE my life as is.
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