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I vote that you ease your mom out. You are not obligated to provide care for her. She "assumed" you into caregiving, whether or not you invited her into your home. She is a full grown woman who had her entire life to plan for her retirement years and exit. I would tell her that you thought the arrangement was temporary and that you were looking forward to your freedom when your daughter left the nest and living fully, freely and soberly. Did your mom care give for her parents? If not, you can diplomatically point this out to her. Reassure her you love her and will help her get resettled (and I suggest you pick a hard deadline or it may drag on or she may drag her feet). Work on not feeling guilty over this -- and think about that she may come to like a different situation just as much or more. She will choose to adjust (or not) and you will be able to live your life they you had hoped to.
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Frances73 Jan 2021
One point, she may have had no control over planning for her old age. Many women of this generation left all the financial decisions to their husbands. My mother had no idea how much money Dad made. He gave her an allowance for household expenses. She was shocked after he died to find out they had no money saved.
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Leslie, you’re no good as a caregiver. And please know that’s said without judgement or scorn. What’s being asked of you is a hard job that only gets harder. It was hard for me and I never did it in my home, exponentially harder there. That you’re feeling this level of resentment and frustration is a sign that this isn’t what you should be doing, it’s no good for either your mother or you. Time to level with her and find a new place and plan. It doesn’t mean you don’t care, but recognize a bad idea for you both and seek a better one. I wish you well
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Your responsibility to your parents is love and respect to the extent it was given you when they raised you. IMHO.
Unfortunately you let your mother move in with you.
That is going to make it ever so much more difficult to remedy this all.
First of all explain to your mother that you are very sorry, but your limitations don't allow you to care for her in your home, nor is it working out for YOU to live with her. That she will have now to go into care. Then hire a fiduciary to handle your Mom's finances, to arrange all of her bills so that they are automatically withdrawn or are sent to him or to her. This is often about 90.00 an hour and once arranged takes only several hours a month at most to do the work. This is something Mom will pay for, just as she would if she did not have a daughter.
Tell your Mom exactly what you are willing to do and what you are not. Tell her she will need care so she can access transit to appointments and so on.
Be honest. Tell her you will not abandon her, but that sadly you are unwilling to take on her care in the home. That you will assist her when Covid is over or she is vaccinated or care places are vaccinated to find a good placement choice given what assets she has now that Dad squandered their funds on a bad scheme.
There is no reason to sacrifice your own life on the next several decades of misery, nor your sobriety.
I wish you good luck. This is again something without a good answer. Not everything can be fixed. There is no easy answer to the fact our elders now live on to the age of 100, leaving us 80 years old and bereft of everything we should have enjoyed in some of the last carefree years of our lives. Some choose to sacrifice their lives on this altar. I would not be capable of that. Only you can decide if you wish to do that or not.
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So the short answer is you have no responsibility to your parent. They are responsible for planning and funding their retirement, not you.

How do you get her out of your life? You may need to talk to an eldercare attorney about evicting her and arranging to have her placed in a facility.
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