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I am new to caregiving since my dad's wife died last summer. It's been very full on! It's affected my new marriage as I've spent half the year away from my husband (we live in a different state than my dad). It's affected my work as I have had to take months off and can't concentrate on it when there has been so much work to do for my dad, who has dementia and probable Alzheimer's. I have kept him in his home, employing various caregivers, finding housemates, managing his house and finances and health care from afar when I'm not there. I am only 40 and utterly exhausted. I have become filled with despair as I realize it's either this life or terrible grief once I lose my dad, my only parent. Husband gives me a hard time and insists I'm being foolish keeping him in his house instead of putting him in AL. My dad tells me it will kill him if he has to leave his house. Dad has several adult kids in another country who have made my life hell, despite having been mostly out of the picture for the last few decades. All of a sudden they are whipping around him like a medusa and critizing everything about his home and care, down to the type of cheese his caregivers should buy him. Not to mention they have acted in criminal ways in a supposed effort to "rescue" him, such as trying to remove all his funds from his bank, threatening to abduct him, calling APS, trying to get him to change his POA papers (I am currently POA for H + F), etc. I have reached seriously new levels of despair in the last few months, made worse by his untrustworthy long-lost family and my husband's unhappiness. I have just been trying to do what's best for my dad and in the process am giving up a lot. Now the big question I face is whether to hire FT caregiver in home, or move him to AL. He tells me it will kill him to move, could I live with myself if he just went downhill upon moving? Alternatively, it's killing my vitality and draining me to keep him in his house. Would love to hear some thoughts.

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First, don't bear guilt. It's a hard decision for any family. Ideally if you can find a way to have them in a home care setting with adequate caregiver support, share support, that would be ideal for most families, and allow you to be a Daughter, not only the tireless caregiver. Often when caregivers are so burned out being caregivers, it's hard for them to be good members of their own families, which is why you are hearing it from other family. It's never easy, but I would encourage you to explore other options for home care in a more caregiver supported model.
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Hey, Sunbroke, I recommended his being in a facility near you, but after reading the circumstances you laid out, I agree that perhaps it would be better for him to be in AL where he is now. Hope all works out for you. These decisions are never easy.
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I support "bicycler's" response to you! Rather than give you more advice on what you should do, I am going to propose that you engage professionals who have the background and experience to help you. You mentioned that your dad has dementia and probably Alzheimer's. "Dementia" is a term that is applied to a range of diseases to include Alzheimer's, though there are others. Although outwardly these diseases appear to be similar, they require treatment that is customized to that disease. I encourage you to acquire the services of a medical doctor who is certified as a gerontologist to guide you to the best treatment for your father. You are also in need of an attorney who specializes in elder law, especially since there are people close to your dad who are a danger to his well-being. Likewise, an elder law attorney can direct you through the Medicare and Medicaid shoals. Again, I agree with bicycler that your father's house sale issue may come back and bite him! Moving an older adult from their home to continuing care retirement community (CCRC) can have unwanted emotional and possibly physical impact on an older adult. Keep in mind that older adults seek two conditions in where they live: 1. Mastery; 2. Security. That is they have to feel that they control that space, and that they are secure in that area. For planning purposes I recommend that you look into small home CCRCs. In my opinion "Green House" (R) communities are the best! See: www.thegreenhouseproject.org/about/find-a-home
An additional resource that can help you, especially since you are working with your dad long distance is the "Society of Senior Advisors" (CSA). See: www.csa.us/?&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIudS0ifPg2gIVVAeGCh1eOQvpEAAYASAAEgKa3PD_BwE
Your dad who probably has incurred dementia is no more narcissistic than a person who has incurred cancer. When he tells you how he feels about something, he is not trying to make life hard on you; he is sharing you with you his needs. Partner with him to come to decisions to support him.
Lastly: Take care of yourself. Don't hesitate to call on professionals to support you. I wish you the best...
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I’m sorry to hear this. When my parents were declining, my brother was at least supportive even though he didn’t live close enough to help.
As for your dad not wanting to move into assisted living, not only would it be better for everyone, but he is not the only person with dementia to be recalcitrant about this. I have read many other things on this forum where people comment on how their parent hates AL one day and loves it the next. Dementia patients don’t know which end is up much of the time, so you can’t depend on getting the truth from them.
Consider moving him to a facility near you so you can visit him and keep tabs on his health and the care he is receiving.
Hope things get better for you soon. God bless.
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sunbrooke, having now read your guardianship question asked two months ago, I have a little better understanding of your dad's situation. In your description yesterday you said assisted living (AL) is much cheaper in the state where your dad currently lives and he has several friends/caretakers that could visit him. First, given your dad's fairly limited financial assets, it seems that the cost of AL will not be an issue for very long, i.e. within a year or so he'll need to apply for Medicaid and the cost of AL will no longer matter to him or you. Second, regarding his friends/caretakers who "could" visit him, I've seen that as dementia progresses, friends (and relatives) visit less frequently and some/many of them stop visiting at all. As for the caretakers, if you're referring to paid staff, there is very high employee turnover in this field, so not moving your dad should probably not be influenced too much by him currently knowing and liking those who provide his daily care.

When I was faced with a similar situation as yours, I created a decision tree to help wrap my mind around the dilemma. Making the decision was still hard, but the decision tree kept me from forgetting that keeping my dad in close proximity was best for him because I was the only one of his 8 children who was willing and able to commit to ensuring his needs were always being met. In other words, the care facility 350 miles away that was near where he lived before I moved him into my home and that was less than half the cost of the one near me that I chose for him would not have been as good for him because his care would not have been constantly overseen by one of his children. It appears that you are the only person your dad has who is as committed to constantly ensuring that he receives good care and, trust me, that will be harder for you to do by flying in regularly and also whenever an emergency arises. (My wife, as guardian for her aunt, kept her in her hometown for AL and we had to make many short-notice trips there.)

There is the option of putting him in AL in his current city and then, after his memory has faded even more, moving him to AL in your city. I can envision that would work for some people, but not to well for others, and having two moves can be harder than one -- it depends on your dad's dementia level and precisely what he is clinging to in his home town.

I'm assuming that your DPOA is still solid after having been thoroughly tested by the trials your half-siblings put you through. But if there's any doubt about the DPOA, then guardianship/conservatorship remains the final option.
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besticanbe, Actually, he is my ex-husband. Years ago my two girls decided by themselves without any input from us that my oldest daughter would care for her dad and the youngest one would take me.

The straw that broke the camel's back happened when they found out he was dependent on Ativan. When his prescription ran out he would 911 and have an ambulance take him to the ER for another prescription. My daughters were horrified. They said not to do it, but call his youngest daughter, who lived near, and she would take him. The next morning he did it again. Oldest daughter came unglued. She is a retired fire captain and told him how she had done CPR over 45 minutes waiting for an ambulance, how she had people die in her arms because they couldn't get an ambulance. While people like him used one when they didn't need to and put it out of service for life-threatening calls. So when she went back to Washington, she took him with her. He thought he was going on a vacation, didn't know he was being moved. If he would have followed a plan which he was capable of, he could have stayed where he was. For over 2 years, I begged him to decide what he wanted to do when he had to have help and he would just tell me that he let life happen. Well, what happened was he was moved from an area where he had lived for 61 years and it never froze to 37 miles from the Canadian Border where the temp gets down to -2 degrees and has plenty of ice and snow.

My daughter moved him in with her. She thought if she helped him take his meds properly and he ate properly she would have the father she never had. He is very passive aggressive and would thwart her at every turn. She is a single 53 year old with 40 acres and a lot of animals. He had no regard for personal space. She almost shot him one night when she woke up to find him standing over her bed. He wanted a glass of water. He was perfectly able to get it himself, just wanted to be waited on.

Physically, he could have helped her and stayed with her. He just wants to be waited on hand and foot and she had neither the time or inclination to do it. She did tell me she didn't know how I stood it as long as I did.

After about 6 months he finally gave up pouting (my words) and made friends with people there. She still has to spend time taking him to doctor's visits, etc. but she is ok with it.
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I placed my dad in a home care AL, so if he chooses he can stay until he passes. That option as well as the price was what decided me. He is signed up with a PCP that comes right to the house (NP mostly), almost all of his medical can be dealt with right there. In his home state he would never be able to afford the care he receives in mine. I know this as he was determined to go back, after checking it out I was floored at how much more expensive this was in his home state. Financially you are right to leave him, socially, hmmm, my dad has made friends with 2 men at the house and quite frankly it is enough, they all have different issues and they help each other out, I honestly believe these are the best friends he has ever had, some type of brotherhood thing. So do what works best with all things considered, if leaving him allows him to stay until passing financially, I think that is important, I don't have to do anything for my dad, other then personal hygiene things, the home is paid to do all other living things, we have a paratransit that gives seniors, disabled etc cheap rides. My dad was pizzed about being put in a home, oh well, I was not willing to give up my life, I know that sounds awful but, I do not believe that a parent has the right to say, I took care of you, now it's your turn to take care of me. Nope, their parents took care of them, I did not ask to be born and I won't accept the guilt. He had his life and he doesn't get mine. I help him by making sure he is safe, fed, warm and gets his meds by trained professionals. He tried to run the FOG trip and I struggled but at the end of the day I was angry that he could care so little about me, as long as he got what he wanted it did not matter what that cost me. Not okay anyway you slice it, it's selfish, manipulating and narsistic, period.

Please do not ruin your life because of his selfish words, no matter what, you are not responsible for his happiness, only making sure his needs are met and he is safe, facilities provide these. DO NOT move him into your home, he will devour you and wreck your marriage, his words tell me this. It will be him all the time and no person can ask that of a spouse, you be 2nd or even 3rd in your own home and by the way, your dad will try to be the head of your household, most likely at your husband's expense. My dad thought I should treat him better then I did my husband and he was only here for 4 days.

I pray that you find a home that is a fit for your dad, soon.

Send a little special love to your husband for putting up with this trial and reassure him that plans are underway to be back in his arms asap.
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This trip is a long journey and you need to make decisions now (while dad is still thinking reasonably well) that support the long term. Recognizing your limits and having an honest discussion with your dad is very important. You will probably not be able to support your dad in home care when he progresses to the point he needs someone around most of the time. My mother lives with me and is still fine alone for a few hours at a time, but I moved next door to extended family so I would have help "keeping an eye" on her when needed. I also hired a caregiver who spends most of the day with her and does some light housekeeping when I'm at the office (not sure she needs this yet but I feel better).

Adjusting to a new environment is going to be hard for your dad, but it's easier sooner rather than later. Acknowledge that leaving his home is a difficult experience but that you need him closer to you. He may be to handle living in a senior apartment complex if can provide support. Consider moving dad to an AL near your home so you easily take him to appointments and visit around your schedule. Investigate some options and then talk with your dad about what he wants to take with him to his new home. My dad likes to "snack" frequently so the AL with a 24/7 kitchen was a better fit than a more structured one.

Do what you think is best for your dad and don't worry about what other people (particularly those who are not providing care) think about it. Please understand that taking care of yourself, including your job and your marriage, _are_ good for your dad. Let go of the guilt for the things you cannot do. I told my mother that I wished I could take care of her in her home the way she was able to care for her mother (my grandmother), but that I wasn't a dedicated homemaker and would have to work a job so it just wasn't possible. Develop a plan that works for you and dad and let the rest of the world enjoy the hours talking about it. You may want to avoid toxic conversations with other family members by writing letters telling them about dad's move, selling his house to finance his AL expenses, etc. You can even use the elder law lawyer as the contact point for family questions/concerns.
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We had a similar situation. When our mom died, our dad went down hill. But he even refused in-home help. Then he ended up in a hospital and was informed he could no longer live by himself. The thought of my dad being in "one of those places" tore us up.
We started looking around and found a wonderful place. There was an adjustment period and his "happy" pill helps take the edge off his anxiety, but our dad loves it there now. I call him every morning and we have "our" day once a week. We arrange his doctor appointments, grocery shopping and lunch out on that day. It has worked out very well. My sister tries to call each afternoon and visits once a week as well. We went back to being his daughters and have been able to spend some special time with him. Now we can relax knowing he is content and safe and well cared for.
As for money, he worked for it and so we had no problem using it all to make him safe and cared for. The rehab facility got us in touch with Medicare Done Right who worked up a Personal Services contract which set aside some money for those actively caring for him. Once Medicaid kicked in he had no more financial concerns.
Just do your research and make decisions that will be best for your father and those actively taking care of him... meaning you! And if your siblings in another country think they can do better they can bring him over there. ;)
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Wow, thanks everyone for all of your insightful answers. I am grateful. The message seems clear that AL is likely the place he needs to be. However, I am looking at whether it's better for him to stay in his current state (AL is much cheaper, and he has several friends/caretakers he already knows who could visit, and I could fly in) -- or, move him to my state which is much more expensive and I would be his only visitor. His other family lives in another country but would likely visit him and no doubt fight my decision to move him, though they aren't the ones daily working to keep him in his house and agonizing over his safety and last-minute caretaker cancellations which seem to be the norm.
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sunbrooke: I have concerns about those adult children of his "whipping around him like Medusa." Have dad's funds been secured? Good-I did see that you've involved APS and an elder law attorney.
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Mary Kathleen, I love it - studio apartment sounds so much better than AL, but why did it take so long for your father to settle in?
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As Sue said your husband comes first.
If the option of moving him in with you, or keeping him in his home is out, then move him to a facility near you. So you can visit and check in on him.
Explain to him how much you love him and would like him to live close to you. Maybe find a good facility and take him to visit, so he can see. Fear of the unknown restricts peoples decisions. If he sees its a good place he might not be so afraid and he might Lord willing want it.
I am so sorry for your situation, it is a tough one. I understand too the guilt you are afraid of. But I believe there is an answer that will be best for all of you, hang in there.
May God bless you with the answer you need.
I will pray for you.
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It will be imperative to place your LO in an AL for a few reasons-your marriage, your work, your mental health, your physical wellness for starters.
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Thank you for stepping up to the plate to take over your dad's care. You are the chosen POA, for a reason. As POA of health and finances, your primary goal is to to keep Dad safe and comfortable, as well as secure his assets. Your dad has a cognitive decline, that will interfere with his ability to make safe and sound decisions for himself. He still may attempt to manipulate you, by making the "killing himself" remarks. It's time for you and your Dad to switch roles. To be an effective POA, it is imperative that you know everything that's going on with your dad. You really should consider moving your dad to your state, and preferably placing him within a reasonable driving distance, to you. In your state, you have two choices, pay for a full-time caregiver, in your home, or place dad into an assisted living home, near you. Your Dad's move most likely will upset him. However, there is no written rule, that you have to give up your life with your husband, to take care of your dad. It's imperative to secure your dad's assets. You may need them, to pay for your Dad's future care. Keep your life simple, and leave the other family members, out of your dad's financial affairs. If family is concerned for dad's care, offer to let them help pay for it, or babysit once in a while. Do the math: If you pay a caregiver $10/hr under the table, for 24/7 care, in the home= $7200/mo, plus limited social contacts. In California, the average assisted living care home room and board is $3800/mo. If Dad is mobility impaired and incontinent, the average is $5000/mo. His room and board will include meals, activities, incontinent supplies, 1or 2 caregivers to assist with transfer and all other activities of daily living. He will also have other residents, in the same situation as him, to befriend, and to enjoy activities with. There are many quality assisted care homes. However, there are very few qualifications to run one. Do your homework and check them out yourself. There are many resources available to asset you with your search. Guidelines and check off lists are available, to help find a quality home for your dad. Last but not least Take Care Of the Caregiver: That's You.
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Karsten is 100% correct about the Memory Care Facilities. The only difference between them and AL is a lock and the price. MC costs more. I had a relative in one here in Ga. $5500 per month. Other patients kept wandering into her room at night waking her and trying to get into the bed with her. She started locking her door. One patient got angry and shoved her and made her fall. She fell multiple times there in one week, breaking her kneecap and hitting her head. If possible, go ahead and move your father to a SNF close to you.
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Depending on how "severe" the dementia is now you have 2 options (3 really but I will get into the 3rd in a moment)
You could opt for Memory Care now then he will not have to adjust a few months? or a year or two down the road. Problem with that is if he is high functioning now he may really not fit in in a Memory Care setting.
Another option would be to go Assisted Living that has a Memory Care wing on site. This way he can live more independently then move to Memory Care when he can no longer function on his own.
The problem with this is he will have to move again and get used to new staff and a new routine. And that can be difficult for anyone.

Your third option that I think is not an option would be to continue as things are until some catastrophic event forces you to make a decision. This is what usually happens and there is a stop between home and Memory Care called Rehab. Depending on how severe the dementia is will determine how well he would do in rehab.

Your parents raised you to be independent, have a family. Part of the process is leaving your parents for your spouse. This is what is important in your life now.
Yes it is difficult to see your parents declining. I think part of that is we then realize that we also are getting older and these same decisions will be made for ourselves in the very near future. And we don't like to admit that! (Great way to bring this subject up with spouse and your own kids...how do you want them to deal with you in the same situation. Do you want them to do for you what you are doing now?)

If your Dad is aware enough you need to have a good heart to heart talk and say that you can not continue the way things are.

Also if you consider that the cost of AL he would get meals, he would have no gas, electric, homeowners insurance to pay. Memory Care would be a bit more simply for the fact that more is done for each resident.
You might want to talk to an Elder Care Attorney to discuss options for trusts, application for Medicaid if that may be a possibility.
Also if your Dad is a Veteran you should determine if he qualifies for assistance through the VA.
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When my daughter couldn't care for her father any more, I suggested instead of calling it a "home" or "Assisted Living", tell everyone that she had found a wonderful Studio Apartment in town for him. In reality that is what it is. He has his own bathroom, bed/sitting room. a small (sort of) kitchenette. He has a fridge, sink, microwave. That little bit of sugar seems to make the medicine go down easier. He wasn't happy for about 6 months, but he couldn't live alone anymore.

As everyone here has said, you have a husband and life. If you want to keep your marriage together you need to move your dad close to you. NOT IN WITH YOU!

Remember this, he is going to go down hill no matter where he is. Try not to feel guilty because you can't make him live forever. None of us are going to get out of this alive.
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Besticanbe The services you describe above are wonderful for seniors who do not have dementia or are in the early stages. I have had experience with smaller homes(8-12 people) as well as assitting with the elderly in their home,assisted living and memory care. Any of the three are great options, the most important thing about any care option is how close it is to the POA or loved ones. Not because you’re going to do the daily hands-on care but because you are going to be able to be eyes on occasion to make sure Your dad is being cared for. Knowing you can drop in occasionally will comfort both of you. The smaller home, I found to be less expensive of the 4 options ( home, AL, MC, SNF)for my mother-in-law and the best option as she was a very quiet calm person before dementia and extremely so during dementia. The SNF is great for my father-in-law he’s been in one for over 15 years after his stroke, he loves the activities, the large number of people the large space. The large home makes him feel like he can get out and about although he’s been there for 15 years going nowhere. Memory care and assisted living both are great options, I’ve worked with clients who had substantial memory issues living in assisted living successfully, because of caregivers doing some of that help either in the morning or late in the evenings. In Memory care I’ve helped people get their parents into Such facilitys. Clients are generally safe with staff taking care of the challenges of those later stages of dementia. If your dad‘s not in that advanced stage he may not be one of those difficult people thru out his end stages, when he approaches those end stage it may take a memory care facility for his care or he may be one of those that can stay in assisted-living till the end. Hospice will go into any of those facilities. A small assisted-living can watch him because they have people at the desk keeping them in the building and usually are good at re-directing you’ll be happy if he’s in one where he makes friends. In memory care the building is locked down so won’t matter if he wants to go or not,he won’t be able to. A small home may work perfectly because he’ll be happy if he meets a new friend there. If he’s not content after 3-4 mts you may have to go through a couple of places to find another. Keeping someone with dementia at home when you don’t live in the area and having private caregivers is a recipe for disaster, speaking from experience.
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Firstly Sunbrooke, I really admire you for all the effort you are putting into the welfare of your father. However, as the old saying goes 'who takes care of the care-taker's job/marriage/kids/home/health' etc. while the care-taker's busy taking care'? As other's have said, you need to put yourself first in this circumstance or you will be worn down to a shred and everything will definitely fall apart. Also, remember to put the oxygen mask on yourself before your kids! Right?

As for me, I must admit I am not a care-taker. Instead I am a 70 year old with no family living in this country so am alone. I fall into the poverty category unfortunately as I have many chronic illnesses and live only on disability. Lately, I have been trying to find out what my options would be should I get seriously ill and not be able to take care of myself. I called around everywhere I could think of with very little hope. Everything is for profit here. I considered going back to England but would find the effort of giving up my home (and my cats) too overwhelming and would be hardy able to afford to live there either.

Today, I found a leaflet from a home care agency attached to the local hospital who take care in the home 24/7. I called them up and was told that I could have their services if and when I needed it 100% covered by Medicare, if approved by my doctor of course. I have United Health Care Advantage Plan and it seems to pay for all this like Medicare. I am wondering if this system would apply to you and relieve you of the expense of private agency care? Perhaps I am on the wrong track seeing as you have looked into this more than I have, but you might like to investigate it for your own piece of mind.

You can also apply for free financial aid to get your financial status up and running.

We are very lucky to have an activity center here that provides many different resources like meals, medical equipment, weekly classes and programs, blood pressure checks, and even respite care for people who need a break like you.

Also, your father may well be a candidate for meals-on-wheels, and many other programs out there. Try Health and Human Services for details. You will be amazed at what is available for people at home. He will not die if he is put in AL as others have pointed out, but these arrangements might save you some aggravation while keeping him in his home.
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sunbrooke, welcome to the care giver world. Kudos to you and your husband for all you're doing for your dad. You asked if anyone had experience with small-scale care giving in houses (6-10 seniors). While I don't have that experience, I did look at several such places for my dad and liked some of them, except none of them had more than one care giver on night duty. That was a problem because my dad needed urgent care multiple times every night and I envisioned that he would suffer any time the single care giver was helping another resident.

Your questions have resulted in some good discussion and advice, some of which is conflicting, but that's due to differences in everyone's situations and experiences. Based on my experience, unless your dad has an active social life where he is currently living and is reasonably self-sufficient in spite of his late-early/mid-stage dementia, moving him close to you now will probably work out best. My dad didn't want to move from his home, but once my wife and I moved him into ours, he quickly forgot ever living anywhere else except his childhood home where he believes his parents are still living and where he still wants me to take him almost every day. After being his full-time caregiver in our home for 3.5 years we moved him into the best memory care assisted living facility we could find, which was luckily within 5-mile bicycling distance and I visit him daily. At this MC facility, the staff is more qualified and the staff/resident ratio is higher than the minimums required by the state, so I don't ever worry about my dad's needs not being met.

When I decided my wife and I could no longer provide the 24/7/365 care my dad needed (exhaustion does take its toll), I let my 7 siblings know that our dad would be moving to a facility. Some siblings suggested that paid in-home care givers would cost less, so I investigated that option and found it would cost more than twice as much as the best-in-class MC facility that I found. And in-home care would have required even more active oversight of his care by me than it does at the MC facility. And at home my dad wouldn't have the additional social benefit of being around other residents, family and staff.

You mentioned that your dad almost sold his home and purchased another in someone else's name. That would have been a huge mistake if it turns out he needed Medicaid within the following 5 years. Apparently your current DPOA(s) for finances and health care have already withstood the test of nefarious family members, otherwise I would suggest that you become his guardian and conservator. So, looks like you're well-positioned in that regard.

In short, you've probably got a tough road ahead of you, but it looks like you're well-positioned, asking the right questions, and otherwise doing everything as well as you can for your dad and then some. As others have said, don't forget to take care of yourself and your family, which will also allow you to keep the energy you'll need for overseeing your dad's care.
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Mary, you gave me some good ideas. We are moving my dad from a MC to an SNF closer to me and my brother but further for my mom. We have tried to talk her into moving into an independent living on the same campus as the SNF so she can have good access to my dad. She doesnt drive. She resists this, but perhaps the idea of saying this is not permanent, the house stays, you can even go back for a few days at a time etc then come back and visit dad for a few days (they are only about 20 minutes apart but when you don't drive that's a long way and she refuses to consider taxis thinking they are unsafe) Selfishly, I don't want to be getting her all the time to bring her to see my dad who now will be just a couple of miles from me.
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I have been overseeing my parents for the past several years. I have used in home caregivers all this time up until last September when we determined it was unsafe for them to live at home. My mom had always said she never wanted to move out of their house. I had to take the mom role and make this decision for them. I looked at assisted living places on my own that were within a 15 minute drive for me and then narrowed it down to 1 place and then brought my parents there to check it out. I sold it to them telling them they could just test it out for a couple of months. We kept their house intact with their furnishings so they knew that door was open and they could theoretically move back. I never intended to allow this to happen. Lo and behold once they got moved into their AL facility they found it fun doing the activities and being around others. Their life had become very lonely and isolated being trapped in their house all day as it had become difficult to take them out for the caregivers as my mom is wheelchair bound. For the first few months I made it a point to go to the facility several times a week and do activities with them. I met many of the residents and then introduced my parents to them. I still manage their finances and a small staff of personal caregivers that I employ for my mom as she needs this one on one care for part of the day. But I get piece of mind knowing my parents can buzz for help 24/7 and I don t need to go over there to fix the tv or help with some chore. Life is so much better since we made this move. Please think of your health and sanity above anyone else's because if you are not in good health mentally or physically you will not be a good caregiver to anyone else. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
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Look into Eden Alternative facilities. Www.edenalt.org. I've toured two and they both provided a very homelike atmosphere. I think your dad is afraid of going to a hospital like warehouse setting. I agree with the other posts that you can't keep up what you are doing. Find the best placement for him near you and get some of your own life back.
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When searching for a facility, look for one with assisted living and option to progress to memory/dementia care as his condition progresses. If he has not been diagnosed with dementia, which would probably mean an evaluation with a neurologist and at least a mini-mental exam if not full neuropsych testing, that should be done. It will help with the legalities of you being able to make decisions and also with no family member able to coerce him to change the POA. In many case, as with my mother, the other patients in memory care can be quite advanced so if he is more aware and able to participate, then AL for now but if there is also memory care there too, it makes it less stressful for you to move him. When he says if you move him he will die, just keep moving forward and say, I know you don't want to leave your house but you cannot live alone and this will be best for you; what things do you want to bring. Keep us advised
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My dad is late early/mid-stages. He recognizes everyone, and most of the time is fully functional conversationally in the moment. He is totally aware of what is going on, however he very quickly forgets what he says and repeats himself on and on, forgets what others say, how long passages of time are, who visited when, etc. He is also incapable of even simple technical tasks now, although he can still (usually) dial a phone number. His long term memory is pretty good.
His memory issues, before he was diagnosed and even after, have caused very serious issues within our long-distance family who I did not have much contact with before my stepmother died. i.e. he would tell them one thing "I want to move to XXX" and they would get scrambling making plans, even though he told me he didn't want to move no matter what one week prior. Because I knew he was so back and forth in what he would think and say, I did not move ahead with a huge cross-continent move which would have required all of his funds sent ahead of him to purchase a home in one of his other adult children's names. The whole thing felt way too risky on every level. Anyway, lawyers got involved and it's been one of the worst times ever. All that to say he is not making any good decisions and his memory issues have created serious havoc.
Good to hear the pros and cons of various MCs, SNF, etc. Does anyone have experience with actual HOUSES that have a small number of seniors (6-10) in their care?
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Sue, it could also very well be your moms MC is just better than where we have my dad. I don't mean that sarcastically either. But yes, my dad is probably more in the active dying stage and maybe for that SNF is better.
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Sue, I guess it boils down to what stage of ALZ. My dad was diagnosed a couple years ago at age 90, so sort of lucky in a sense compared to when many get diagnosed. He spent almost three years at home as my mom was able to take care of him. Had my mom not been around, he probably would have had to go to a MC and been fine. However, in the last couple of months he has taken a big turn for the worse. I am thinking in this stage, MC is not the proper place for him. I do see people at his current MC who seem to be walking around, eating by themselves, they just don't remember and for that stage its fine. But for my dad, where the needs are much great, the MC has not been up to the task. So what Vancouver said resonated with me. In the case of my dad anyway, instead of moving him to a Mc a couple of months ago, it would have saved us grief to have him go direct to SNF. We did not like it at the time as an SNF is not the inviting cozy atmosphere a MC is, but for very advanced ALZ I think its the best. But yea, I guess it boils down to what stage one is in.
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Hi Karsten,
Thank you so much for the kind words.

But I'm confused and I'm hoping you can shed some light on your view.

Sunbrooke's dad has Alzheimer's but you think a Skilled Nursing Facility is a better fit than a Memory Care facility? You said the MC isn't prepared to handle a patient "when they go downhill fast." Would you elaborate what that means? Do you mean the level of supervision or during the active dying process?

I understand you feel you need to be there everyday day to oversee care that isn't being done. Would you kindly tell us what the MC isn't doing? Maybe I've missed something in my moms' facility that I should be looking into.
(Please don't think I'm writing sarcastically, I really am interested in your particular situation.)

I guess I looked at MC's as locked facilities for those with dementias (whatever type) but who were basically physically well. Does your loved one require more physical care?

Thanks ahead of time for enlightening me.
Sue
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sunbrooke, do you know how much equity your Dad has in his home? If he has quite a bit, that money can be used for his monthly rental at Assisted Living/Memory Care.

Most elders are really attached to their house. My Dad, thankfully, wasn't. It wasn't like it was a handed down family home. Once my Mom passed, Dad was ready to downsize into something more comfortable. He was tired of paying real estate taxes, hiring people to fix things he use to be able to fix, hiring someone to mow the lawn, shovel the snow, and major fix-it items such as a new sump-pump or new refrigerator, etc.

The largest cost were Dad's caregivers, worth every penny, but the cost was draining Dad's savings. He liked the idea that moving into senior living would be soooo much cheaper. Saving money was big with my Dad.

Dad's Assisted Living/Memory Care place was great. Dad really loved the place, it was cheery and pleasant, the Staff was attentive, and boy was the food great :) Dad could even budget to have his 2 favorite caregivers take turns working there in the mornings, it gave him a good routine.

Lock down?? That was only in the evenings, no different then us locking our front doors at night. During the day, the front desk person knew who was ok to go outside and who needed someone with them. The place had several sun rooms if one wanted to enjoy the sun-shine. Places like this depends on where one lives. Seems like the large metro areas are filled with such places that feel like a hotel when you want in.
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