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So very exhausted, I am so sorry for everything you have been through. Yes, by all means, keep lying to her and tell her the house isn't ready yet. It should be ready next week. Don't feel guilty!! You have been through so much!! Please don't feel guilty about anything!!
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Dementia is such a squirrely thing. They forget more then they are able to remember. I would stick to the story that the house isn't ready for her to go back to. Change the subject to something she likes to talk about. When she talks about going back home, say it isn't ready and change the subject again. I know it sounds like you are lying to her but your reality is avoiding an argument and keeping her calm.
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Frances73 Apr 2020
That's funny, when I talk to my mom and she starts going to the dark side I practice what I call"Squirrel," distracting her by changing the subject.
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Please get some help and even therapy for yourself. Talk to a social worker about your mother and yourself and your feelings about her. You have reasons to be grieving and you need some time to take care of yourself. I'm surprised that the nursing home would even let you visit during this time of coronavirus. My mother's home has not allowed visitors for a few weeks.
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You've done everything exactly right for her, now start focusing on yourself!
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Our cousin had Lewy Body Dementia and has three children. He would call my husband and ask him to come and take him home. When my husband arrived he would talk with him or take him for a drive. We helped out so the kids could work during the day as they took turns at night staying with him and his wife.

I am now taking care of my husband and I have to remember over and over "I am dealing with an illness." "I am dealing with an illness." As far as your mom not being the Mom you needed before the dementia - do yourself a favor and forgive her. You will feel so much better.

Every person has faults and those closest to us usually sees them. My mom killed herself and left us 4 kids with an alcoholic dad. I didn't find out until years later as a teenager. I just couldn't believe she'ld left us with him. I also couldn't believe he didn't tell the hospital that she had swallowed all those aspirins.

So, I dealt with the pain by trying to take my own life. I lived with family in another state for six months and during that time my dad went into the hospital, quit drinking and straightened up his act.

Before I went home I understood the pain my Mom went through. I also understood what alcohol can do and the pain and guilt he lived with. I chose to forgive them both.

Now, my mind is flooded with good memories and the pain is gone. I know God tells us "Forgive others and I will forgive you." God also provides comfort and a peace that no one can take from you.

Your loss is enormous and you need to mourn the loss of your mom as well. The virus will work in your favor as you must isolate. You have a lot of support on this site. Continue to use it.
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PowerOf3 Apr 2020
I agree, I think it’s best you accept the apology you will never get. I’m sad your relationship was of hurt, but you will feel better if you can forgive (for your sake) . It’s best you take care of yourself while you are postop...you are still alive and we want you to stay healthy. You cannot control the illness, you cannot control the shelter in place order. You did a damn good job getting her setup in time for your surgery, can you find peace that you accomplished that? That is a lot, an impossible feat for most. Remember you made this decision to place her and she is placed and being cared for... it’s time you give yourself a break after a decade. A decade she will remember very little of if any. I don’t suggest lying is an answer but in these cases I would consider it pacification tactics.
i think sometimes when that “call or visit” is in order, the longer people go without doing it the harder it becomes BUT she has memory loss. There’s no harm in manipulating the situation and pacifying her... for instance “ mom we spoke a day ago, I’m on bed rest remember?” You’ll probably repeat yourself depending on her condition and the staff will normally also pacify their patients also, “ yes Mrs. Smith they were here earlier this week/ oh yes you spoke with your kids this week over the phone” it’s harder on us than them in reality. The staff is there, trained to care for her physically and mentally so let them do their job. You need to rest and heal and get a break after 10 years and YES YOU EARNED IT!!!
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It's tough I know. Mom is in a NH after a hospital stay and a few days on a respirator (we said no but dr didn’t get the message). She was in AL and doing OK but now is very confused and will probably never get back to where she was mentally. At age 93 any hospital stay is bad for mental health let alone now with no visitors allowed.

I visit her most days and we sit by a window and talk on the phone. At first she would cry when she saw me but that has stopped. Each time I tell her it will be a few more weeks before she can go home, blaming it on the virus. This might be her permanent home now.

For myself, we did not give her back her cell phone and she has not asked for it. She was calling several times a day with complaints and nits about other residents or staff. Calling late at night with weird requests and comments. So it’s been a relief for me not to have to keep fielding those calls.

So yes, keep coming up with excuses for your mom and don’t feel guilty about it. She is safe and cared for by lots of people. They might not all be the best, but most of them are excellent, caring professionals.
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I am sorry that you lost your son. That loss must be traumatic. It must be very difficult to handling the grief and your mom as well. I don't see where "the house isn't ready" is a lie - since it is not ready for her. I hope you are recovering from the surgery since we all have to stay in. You are so right - you need a break.

Dealing with dementia is filled with so many ups and downs. You know you've done your best and if you need to make choices to make her as safe as you can - do it! Take time during this "staying in the house" time to relax. Good luck.
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Yes. Whatever keeps her calm. The truth won’t do her any good. You need a good long time to heal and recover. Don’t sell yourself short on that. She needs time to acclimate. There seems to be a phase where they ask a lot of questions but it passes. My mom asked about the entire inventory of a house she had moved out of 10 years prior. I told her everything was in storage and that “thing” was in the back - I know exactly what box - and I’ll try to get there soon. That worked quite well. Take care of yourself during this time and do not listen to the critical people saying what you ought to do or should have done. If they aren’t giving their time or money, they can go jump. Dementia behaviors are not a blessing.
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Sendhelp Apr 2020
Hi Sandwich, good to see you here.
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