Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
1 2 3
My dear - firstly, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Mother.

It is unfortunate that your two sisters are at odds, but please realize that you are not going to change them and the more you try the more you will be disappointed,

Regarding the funeral, all I can say is that we are responsible for our own actions. And your sisters are responsible for the decision as to whether or not they attend their mothers funeral. It’s a shame that they would let their ill feelings for each other overrule the love they have for their mother, but realize that that is their choice - you go, and even if that means going alone, you go to your mothers funeral, you say goodbye to her properly and you have that time with her alone if that’s what it turns out to be - you will be able to lay your head on your pillow at night knowing that you did the right thing and you may even appreciate the time that you had with just you and your mom if that’s what it turns out to be.

I know you may feel alone, remember that you are not as our dear Lord is always with us. My best to you!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Let them both know it’s time for them to pull up their big girl panties. Tell them this funeral is not about them it’s to honor your mother and if they can’t do that then you totally agree that neither one should and suffer the guilt for not coming. Anything else you should ignore and remain quiet like you have been.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I am sorry for the loss of your mother and that your sisters can not be a help for you. In reality, they probably were not a lot of help while your mother was alive. Gather people around you that are caring, loving, and kind. Please consider attending a GriefShare group to deal with your loss. Everybody in the group is dealing with the loss of a loved one. These folks can be a source of comfort and care.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I am sorry for your loss of mom. Atleast she is at peace now. As for your immature sisters, hopefully you have the POA on all matters. If you do, don't escalate things. You go to the funeral alone if you have too. You need closure. Now is not drama time. I wouldn't ask them twice if they are going to be attending. Love yourself and take care of yourself first. You have to step up and take charge. God bless you .
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
GlendaD Jul 2020
Hello, i lost my only son last fall at the age of 43. Sudden cardiac arrest. My two daughters and I have not had a good relationship in years and his father and I have no communication and I was so worried about going to the funeral. We all had to drive in from different states. I decided to go and honor my son. As expected, my oldest daughter got in my face about paying for his cremation, which I did pay my half, and bringing up hurts from the past, (this happened right before the funeral), my youngest daughter, her father and his family avoided me like the plague. I went in sat down among my extended family and kept my mouth shut. After the funeral my oldest daughter came up to me and said, "Glad you made it". Like I would not have! Even then I kept my mouth shut. I walked away knowing I did what was right. This is a very difficult time for you and it is never an easy thing to go through especially with difficult people, but keep your head up high, ignore the people who cause the issues. So sorry for your loss.
(7)
Report
See 2 more replies
It is probably a blessing in disguise if neither sister attends the funeral.

You should let them know for once how you feel about it and that their selfishness and bickering of thinking only of themselves even at this time is awful.

Let them know you will be attending the funeral by yourself and will offer neither one of them any more updates.

Love and Prayers
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
jacobsonbob Jul 2020
She doesn't even need to do either of these--she should just avoid them altogether unless there is some legality in which one or both must be involved.
(5)
Report
So sorry for your loss. Focus on your fond memories of your mother and dealing with your own loss. Their loss is theirs and theirs alone. Let them have at it - sometimes we can play go between and help work things out, but clearly this isn't going to work and will only make you more miserable. Do what you feel is right for yourself. They are "grown" women (considered adults!), they can do what they want, but you don't have to be sucked down into their whirlpool!

As BarbBrooklyn said, "Your mother raised ONE smart and compassionate child."
It is odd how those raised under the same roof can turn out so different, but it is what it is. I don't have sisters, just 2 brothers, but at times they were like this. Once during a 3 way discussion (I think it was group text), the two of them went at it, blaming, comparing what they did or didn't do, etc. I was so disgusted I exited and turned my phone off. I have lost count how many times I have said that I think I am the only one in the family who got any brains!!! I'm no Einstein, but seriously...

"I've taken myself out of the middle and both will have to fend for themselves to get information. I'm done."
Sounds like a GREAT PLAN! Stick to it!

Our mother is still in MC (4+ years now.) Until lock down, I was really the only one visiting. OB isn't local, nor is he welcome here anymore. He was abusive to me when we were children, and during the move to MC and prepping condo for sale I discovered this never really went away. After physically and verbally abusing me yet again, I had him leave and am done with him. He did not attend dad's burial, and I don't expect him to travel here for mom's either, whenever that happens. Good, I say! YB hasn't made any real improvements in our relationship. I stopped pestering him to say whether he was going to join us for some holiday meal, or special day (pestered because it would sometimes take multiple texts to get an answer, and even then it was vague!) The only reason for contact at this point is one medical appointment requires taking her outside the local transport area and I can't support her weight (she won't stand or walk on her own anymore.) So, this falls on him and he's always complaining about it and/or trying to get out of it. It is only 4x per year - not like it takes up that much of his sorry existence! He also has more time to go before he can retire, and most likely mom will be gone by then, so he will be scot-free!!!

At that point, I don't plan any kind of memorial or big ceremony. Her plans include cremation and burial with my dad's remains. Most friends and all close family are gone (she'll be 97 in about 3 weeks, going on 2!) so there's no point to big plans. I doubt OB would come (yay!) and don't really care if YB plans to. Hoping my daughter can go with me, as she did with my dad - she lived a good long time and had a GREAT retirement, so at this point it is just getting through the inevitable.

Do what is best for YOU. Don't even give them another passing thought. If they pop into your head, banish them! If perhaps they do both end up at the burial/funeral, distance yourself from them. If they start the blame game and finger pointing, cut them off and tell them they are sullying mom's memory and should just stop. Walk away. Keep them at arm's length. Honor yourself and your mom. Period. No one needs that kind of crap going on when we are grieving!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

So sorry for your loss. I agree, you seem to be the sane one. If they don't show up they don't show up. A funeral is not for the dead its for the living. A time to say our goodbyes and celebrate the person's life. If your sister's want to cut their noses off to spite their faces, then its their loss.

The Hotel sounds good. Stay neutral. Do what you need to do and then return home. When one sister calls to complain about the other, just say not your Drama, not getting involved you just don't have the energy.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

I feel so sorry for you going through all of what you are dealing with! I hope you get some peace of mind soon.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Fine. Attend alone. These two drama Queens don't even DESERVE to be there. We nurses who, when death was coming, or HAD come, used to call those family members "The ones who steal the Thunder". Meaning, no matter there has been death and pain and loss, it is STILL and ALWAYS all about them. This is a great tragedy. Usually we see "Siblings at War" on the forum, making miserable the life of a poor elder already incapacited by the vagaries of age and illness. Now we get to see two trying to tear one remaining decent sister apart. So warring siblings plus one I guess we could call it when you write the great american novel about family angst. SHAME ON THEM. Just shame on them. Mom isn't going to even know there is a funeral. Do what comforts YOU. For me that would be the cancelling of a funeral no one but you even cares to attend. I am so sorry for you. I hope you will update us when this is all over and tell us you are doing OK.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
jacobsonbob Jul 2020
I suspect she should go to the funeral even if she is the only one there. She doesn't need to let the sisters steal this or ruin it for her.
(6)
Report
See 1 more reply
Dear hopeful4me,
After reading your responses to everyone's comments, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you are taking action in the midst of this difficult time - you're drawing a line in the sand as to what you will and won't do.
It's time to let the battle belong between your two sisters and stay completely out of the fray. They have relied on you far too long trying to get you to take each of their sides and you seem to have been able to take the high road in being loving towards each one of them individually. Try not to allow them to "suck" you back in ever again. This has taken its toll on you over the past 20 + years and you've already said that you are having a difficult time eating, sleeping and that your stomach is tied up in knots. Of course, I realize that a good part of that is having just lost your mother which is normal but, it's also accumulative as well. I'm glad you see that the "funeral is about your mother and they should be able to respect that". Well said - it sounds like you have several plans upon your return. I applaud you for that and wish you the best!
P.S. And do be careful as you drive 9 hours Monday for her funeral!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I’m sorry for your loss. It’s unfortunate to not get full support from your siblings at this time. Sadly, family dynamics are often strained at times like this. Due to covid, many families are foregoing funerals, opting for graveside rights or delaying all gatherings until sometime to be determined later. I’d considering doing something like that, unless you are expecting other people to attend. There are many ways you can pay tribute to your mother’s life on your own. I wouldn’t let others diminish your experience. They sound very immature. Perhaps, them staying away may be more peaceful.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Dear hopeful4me,
Let me first extend my condolences to you and your family in the loss of your mother and I am so sorry that your two sisters are behaving like children and you are in the middle - both literally and figuratively speaking.
Grief is hard enough without having family members fighting, creating drama and causing distress for you - the innocent one. Not only that, because they can't put their differences aside for this important time it probably feels like you are being punished. I know you would prefer to have them both at the funeral since you get along with both of them but, please don't force the issue. Your mother only passes away once and there will only be a funeral once - don't let your sisters take that away from you.
When my dad passed away in 2004, I did not want my mother's daughter (my half sister) from her first marriage, who was 15 years older than myself, to attend my dad's funeral. Why? Because she was always trying to come between my mom and dad. My dad did not like the trouble she would cause over the years. In his last years, he did come to a place of being a little more at peace in her presence and I certainly didn't try to take that away from him as that was his business. But, she nearly ruined my parent's marriage in which all of us suffered and it left an indelible mark on me both as a child and young adult. The night after my dad passed away, the hospice Pastor who had been visiting our family while he was dying could see I was troubled. He asked what was wrong and I explained that I didn't want her at the funeral causing trouble and ruining everything that we had planned (she had already ruined my wedding day). My husband and I made all the arrangements as my mom was 79 and she couldn't think clearly. I wanted everything to be nice but, she gets angry when she isn't the center of attention and tends to storm off and disappear making my mom go look for her. I just couldn't bare that happening. So the Pastor told my mom everything I told him.
The day of the funeral, I was slightly nervous wondering if she would "just show up" even though she lived over an hour away. Thankfully, she didn't and we had a lovely service.
This was the first death I had ever experienced in my immediate family and I was so naive thinking everyone would just get along. It is extremely painful to realize that it's not always the case.
You have done everything you can do to help bring everyone together peaceably. Please attend your mom's funeral even if it means alone. Your sisters will be the ones who will (if they have any shred of humanness) have to deal with any regrets if and when that time should come. Go in peace my dear and may you feel God's love and comfort in the difficult days ahead!
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
hopeful4me Jul 2020
Thank you. I am so tired of the drama between the two of them that goes back 20 plus years and a lot of she said, she said stuff. The funeral is about our mother and they really should be able to respect that. If they don't attend so be it...I will be there alone to honor and respect my mother.
(20)
Report
See 1 more reply
I agree that you need to stay...aloof, shall we say?

Can you afford to stay in a nearby hotel? Might that mitigate the craziness?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
hopeful4me Jul 2020
Thank you. I plan to stay in a hotel now. She may or may not even give me a key to get in the house. I was going to stay in Ohio for a couple of weeks to help the younger sister, but those plans have changed. I'll be returning home to continue to process my grief and start my employment search.
(11)
Report
See 1 more reply
I think you need to move forward as if you did not have any siblings. They are hell bent on making this about all their drama. Stay at your mom's house and attend the funeral. I wish I had something that would make this all better but your siblings WANT to fight. Stay neutral and just attend and leave. Stop worrying about keeping them informed.

Why are they feuding? Some incident or just generally don't like each other?
Helpful Answer (16)
Report
kbuser Jul 2020
totally agree, my siblings feud just for the sake of feuding and try to pull me into their drama. I have finally learned to take the high road and move forward (as much as I can as if I didn't have any. They spent a lifetime making snide comments to each other and trying to create drama.
(6)
Report
See 1 more reply
Oh, my goodness, you poor dear!

Was there family drama before this about mom's health, or estate or care, or has this suddenly come up?

(((hugs)))))
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
hopeful4me Jul 2020
Thanks. There's always been family drama. Never a peaceful time...always something. I haven't been eating or sleeping and my stomach has been in constant knots.
(2)
Report
1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter