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You cannot tell her the truth without upsetting her. But you still have to tell her. It is possibly you could start the discussion by asking her how she sees the future playing out? What does she foresee happening? That might tell you what exactly she is expecting and give you the opportunity to shape her reality by telling her what your future plans are.
She made this plan. Her husband who needs care lives in Illinois as she does. If she did not think about what the next steps were when he began to develop dementia, that is on her. You are not the fallback plan. She can move to Florida and you will find her a place to live, and not with you. You don't need to be scared, you are no longer a 6 year old at her mercy. It is okay to say No. Might not be easy but it is okay.
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Do NOT, I repeat do NOT be guilted into becoming her caregiver. So what if girls are still expected to be the caregivers?

Who is going to become her POA/HCPOA?
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Seriously, I do get some of that pressure - being a girl.

I sought counselling feeling so stressed out with the weight of this kind of future that others had laid out for me... The councillor asked 'What if I was a man? A man who drove long distance trucks for a living? And moved to Canada?' Would everyone still have the same expectations?? Wow that hit me as (unlike you) I hadn't seen it like that before.

My (female) cousin had. Her Father started priming her for HIS future. Started *joking* he would come to stay. She said great. "For one week. Only. Then I will deposit you & your bags to the nearest hotel".

So I'd say you've heard your Mother's hints - time to hint back... in whatever style is yours;

Caring & wordy;
Mother dear, you know I live in FL & I love Fl & am never leaving Fl. So if one day you can't live independently, I suppose you will have to decide to stay in IL or move to Fl. Both probably have nice assisted living options.

Honest & brutal;
You want to WHAT??? Live with ME?? 🤣🤣🤣 Gosh that would never work! Get that out of your head right now! What?? Me leave my home, partner, friends, life & move in with you so you can continue to live the way you want with no thought to my life at all? Now Mother, no-one would be that selfish surely? That's just downright CRAZY!
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Is sex reassignment surgery for you an option? 😉
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Frances73 Nov 2020
No helpful but funny!
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Okay. Here is the tricky bit. You don’t try to manage your moms thinking. That is her own to manage You give her the facts. Your life is in Florida. Hers isn’t. She married a man who now needs care. His family is in Illinois. Your local brother sounds realistic. You need help, mom, Call 911. Your mom has no right to expect you to make the same mistakes she made. Being a girl doesn’t have to be a life sentence.
If you enable her to be in denial, you are doing her a big disservice. If she can manage without help. Good for her. She doesn’t get to turn away help because she thinks she has you to do for her. Get that part established. There will be plenty to do managing that help, her medical care and finances. Go back to Florida to your happy life. Let her think on her current circumstances in all the starkness without the illusion that anyone can make time stand still. She, by example, has taught you what not to do. Speak with your step sister so she understands where you are coming from. She will have her own tough decisions to make. Good luck and let us hear from you. We care.
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You tell her the truth, that it's not possible for you to be her caregiver. You love her but 24/7 care giving is not in you, sorry to say. You will be happy to help arrange Assisted Living for her, or in home care if preferred. It may hurt her, but it will hurt you more to agree to something you don't want to do. Let's face it.

I grew up in the crazy house caused by constant fighting between my mother and her mother,,,,,oil and water. My childhood was ruined as a result and I vowed to never take either of my folks in to live with me. I made myself crystal clear about that from the get go, too, because honesty is best. I'm an only child too....so you can imagine the expectations my mother has of me. She'll be 94 in Jan and lives in a Memory Care Assisted Living community and still wants to come live with me. There is no way I could possibly manage her myriad of health issues, wheelchair and moderate dementia, even if I wanted to. So she has her life over there and I have my life with my DH over here. I do A LOT for her, and manage her entire life, but it's from 4 miles away. It saves what's left of my sanity.

Best of luck making a plan and sticking to it.
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Have a gentle, respectful conversation with her. Tell her, you love her, but you need your own space. She can hire someone else to help her. Tell her, I can visit you, or talk on the phone.
You are grateful to her. And now you have your own family........etc.

Don't let her guilt trip you. Do what's best for you
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I can relate! I am the only daughter and my mom always made differences between my brothers and me.

She raised my brothers to feel as if they were superior just because they were boys.

I was expected to be the servant because I was the girl. It’s an old fashioned attitude.

I did care for my in my home for 15 years. It’s really hard. Don’t do it!

Make it about you. Tell your mom that you love where you live and that you relish your privacy with your SO.

That way she can’t place herself in the picture as the main star!

She will have to make other care arrangements.

Don’t be concerned with your brothers. That is between them and your mom. Don’t get in the middle of it.

Don’t allow your mom to stir things up between you and your brothers.

The sooner that you talk to mom. The sooner that she can start to move forward with planning future care.

You can recommend that she speak to a social worker to help her gain insight on her particular situation.

Wishing you all the best.
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