Follow
Share

My husband is my primary CG. He is a narcissist, but most of the time he’s very good. I know he gets frustrated, but so so I.


He criticizes everything I do to try to help. If I don’t help he criticizes that. He puts on such a show to others. No one would believe me if I told them some of the things he does. We do love each other, but I don’t need this. Should I just take all the stuff he dishes out? I’m not allowed to voice my opinion. He’s just an a**hole sometimes. I feel guilty because I know some have it much worse. I'm lucky I guess.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I'd like to point out that the OP posted in May of last year that her husband wouldn't pay for cleaning help, I think it's unfair of people to scold her if he still refuses outside help and is suffering because of it.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
cwillie Dec 2022
True Stacey, but someone who won't pay for a cleaner may also be someone who won't pay for a bath aide either.
And although the term narcissist is way over used and true narcs are not common it often does accurately describe a personality type. I can totally see someone in my family who might behave this way in similar circumstances, although there may be a brain injury or dementia at play it may also be that he's an a$$ and always has been.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
No you should not tolerate abuse of any kind.
You do not mention why you need a caregiver but you do not have to stay in the position you are in.
Contact your doctor for an appointment.
One of the questions they should always ask a patient is "do you feel safe at home" when this question is asked respond "No I do not feel safe at home".
If at any time you are not feeling safe call 911. Explain that you do not feel safe.
(Inform the dispatcher if there are weapons in the house.)
PLEASE do not let him abuse you physically, emotionally, mentally. It may not seem like it's not that bad but it erodes away your self confidence and you begin to believe.
Depending on what care you need it may be that he is stressed and needs help (this is not an excuse and I may be way off) But if this is the case he needs to learn how to deal with his emotions.
PLEASE talk to your doctor or if you have another medical person or close friend you can trust confide in them.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Kathyplantz, please understand that not everyone is meant to be a caregiver.

I remember back when I was recovering from surgery my hubby just stood around not know what to do except make toast. When he was recovering from whatever, I was no Florence Nightingale, caregiving was not part of my personality as I was a no nonsense type of person. A friend of mine said when she was sick, she though her husband's hands were glue to the inside of his pockets as he didn't help.

Let's not forgot for men they are wired to "fix" whatever is the problem. If the problem is health related, sometimes they are totally lost, and upset they cannot "fix" it.

Maybe it is time that you both hire a caregiver to come in to help with the things that your husband is frustrated with doing. It will be worth every penny.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Abuse is against the law! I would look at other options.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I’m so confused! Is he good or abusive? Do you need to get away from him to be safe? Make no decisions based on thinking that others might have it worse. Consider if your caregiving needs are too much for any one person to keep up on their own, is this something your husband should be expected to do from now on? No one ever deserves abuse. If you’re not safe call 911. If you need more help call your local Council on Aging. I wish you a better life than what’s apparently happening now
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

How are you lucky?
You are not allowed to voice your opinion. Why?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Kathy-

Your husband has caregiver burnout. Unless you've experienced it yourself personally, you have no idea what it does to a person.
Really, you don't know.
Speaking as a person who has experienced caregiver burnout so extreme that I had to stop doing hands-on care, I can tell you that the last thing you should ever try to do with your caregiver is argue.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Your husband has caregiver burnout. If you're able to tell us about it, you will be able to arrange some hired homecare for yourself to give your husband some respite.
With all respect to you, may I ask a question? I do not mean to upset or offend you with it.
When you try to help with something, does it make more work for your husband? I was a professional caregiver for 25 years. I can say that many times when a client would try to help it made double the work for me.
No one has unlimited patience. Caregivers are only human and we have human emotions that include anger and frustration.
Also, if your husband was truly a narcissist he would not be taking care of you. He would walk away.
Try some hired help. It will be good for both of you.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Kathyplantz, what you describe about your husband is serious abuse. He doesn't have to be physically abusive in order to be harming you. The condescending sneer, the stifling of your opinions, leaving the room - that's how he controls you. Please find out a way to get out of this situation. He's horrible, and you have my utmost concern. Please take care of yourself because every time it's happening, you'll die a little.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
bundleofjoy Dec 2022
“Please take care of yourself because every time it's happening, you'll die a little.”

i’ve never heard this warning before. can you explain what you mean?
(0)
Report
See 2 more replies
Never tolerate abuse under any circumstances.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I can honestly say I've never heard of anyone say they love their abusive husband who's also a narcissist, feels lucky too because some have it much worse, and go on to say he's an a%%hole who criticizes you for everything, is condescending, makes everything your fault, but is "most of the time very good". 😑

You have to make up your mind here. Are you happy or miserable? Is dh a good guy or a narcissistic a hole? Do you deserve better than you're being given or just the crumbs you're being tossed?

Maybe your dh needs respite from being your caregiver and is feeling burned out or some compassion fatigue right now. Talk to him about what's going on in HIS head and if you should hire outside carers so he can get a break.

Decide, ultimately, what's best for you, and then make changes accordingly. But also take into consideration what dh has to say so you can look at the whole picture clearly, if possible, because you honestly seem confused.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
BurntCaregiver Dec 2022
@lealonnie

As usual, well said.
(2)
Report
Kathy, welcome to the site! It would help if you could complete your profile and/or post more details. How old are you and your husband? What care needs do you have? What help does your husband have? Who are the ‘others’ that ‘he puts on such a show’ to?

What other family is involved? Is there anyone that WOULD ‘believe you if you told them some of the things he does’? You need the ability to have a private talk with them. He ‘puts on such a show’, and it probably helps him to feel good about what he is doing. You have the same need for someone to talk to privately about your side of the story.

Can and do you get away for some time on your own – and to give him some time on his own as well? Are there adult day care options (or anything similar) you could visit alone? Being in a one on one relationship is stressful for both sides, and the power it is giving to your husband is probably making things worse.

You clearly care about each other, and you don’t seem to be asking questions about splitting from him. So think of how to expand the little frustrating world that you are both trapped in at present. Best wishes, Margaret
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

No you should NOT just "take all the stuff he dishes out." Abuse is abuse any way you slice it and it is NEVER ok!!!
You deserve better and if your husband isn't able to care for you properly, it's time for you to move into a more appropriate care setting such as assisted living or the like, so you can start getting treated like you deserve.
Call Adult Protective Services to find out what your options are. And please don't continue to take the abuse.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Just because some people may have it worse than you does not mean you should minimize his abusive behavior and just take it. Only you can decide to leave or stay.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

He's an abuser. You never have to take what he dishes out because no amount of abuse is ever okay. If others tolerate more abuse than you, that in no way negates the abuse you suffer. What is he doing to you?
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Kathyplantz Dec 2022
He criticizes me for everything. Condescending all the time. I cannot argue or voice my opinion. Everything is my fault. To punish me he leaves the room when I need something or complain. Which I try not to complain about anything. It’s not physical abuse.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Kathy, welcome!

What sort of caregiving are you in need of?

How old are you and you husband?

Do you have any other support aside from each other?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter