She has her own bathroom, but no way to take a shower in it. The hallway bathroom we had conveyed to a walk in shower for her. She has told m, several times, she almost fell, or had horrible pain in both legs and back and struggled to get out safely. Yet she refuses to shower when we are home, stating there is nothing wrong with her mind. It isn’t her mind we are concerned with. I told her she could fall and lay there for hours and she said, “I hope so!” I told that doesn’t mean she will die, she always states how she wants to die because she can no longer drive herself or cook. She refuses to try to do anything else, she sits all day and watches tv, the neighbors and reads. And complains.
It also sounds like someone needs to guide her into the shower and help her by standing by while she showers. (also making sure she is actually doing a good job of it) You can hire a Shower Aide but a Caregiver during the times when she is home alone would be the safest option.
Getting her into an Adult Day Program would also be a good idea.
She needs to be in MC where staff will assist her with showers or other paths to cleanliness in a professional manner despite her feelings about it. This is a broken brain in the sense that "feelings" and "wishes" and "wanting" no longer figure in the equation. Often the very worst approaches are those by well-meaning family. This adds to the struggle. I am so sorry. I think you have decisions coming up soon for a whole mind-body approach to her care that isn't familial.
Lay down the law with her. Either she showers twice a week with the assistance of either a homecare aide or you and your husband, or she no longer lives in your house.
Never allow the refusal of basic hygiene in your house. Or any other kind of unhygienic mess like food in bedrooms or garbage left around. Don't allow this.
Believe me if your MIL has it together mentally, the threat of going to a "home" wil be enough to get her regularly showering.
Might improve her quality of life.
my Dad went thru a stage of it and I was shocked as he was akways super clean and took pride in his appearance
we devised a plan
gst a bowl of warm water and flannel
put a little disinfectant in it and somewhere pref in her room for her to wipe down
liquid soap
they even do no rinse soap
a flannel did the body and one for face
allow her to have a wipe down
of she’ll let you help - help her and give her some pride and turn around or leave the room fur her to wipe personal areas
leave a towel
that will deal with washing and then you can slowly work in a shower every Fortnight or month
and lay fresh clothes out for her
it worked for my father
And he’s nice and clean now
a lot if the time it really relates to the pain and effort it takes changing ( and washing)
my father would love his soaks in the bath then said he nearly slipped and wouldn’t use a bath again
for the shower try and get a chair fur her to sit on
we have my dad in clean boxer shorts and we help him wash then leave the room fir him to wash personal areas then return to help him dry
again leaving room for him to sort out private area
and the procedure became routine and gets quicker now
it was all about making the process easier?
good luck
My FIL and mother were the same , refusing help in the shower . Eventually they stopped showering altogether out of fear of falling and then later could not even recognize the need for a shower even when told . My FIL used to say same thing “ there is nothing wrong with my mind “ . He used to shower alone when told not to in assisted living . He kept wanting to prove he was “ independent “. Then he eventually stopped showering and could not understand he needed to shower , just kept saying he didn’t need help .,
Is your MIL on an antidepressant ? It may help make her a bit more cooperative . Sounds like she needs one. Is their adult daycare by you for some socialization, some of them will do showers .
If this becomes unmanageable at home memory care is the next step .