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My husband seems to be really struggling with his mom having dementia. She is so mean to him hitting him, spitting on him, throwing things at him and the cursing is unreal from her. He has to basically take care of her until I get home from work. She does go to adult daycare for a few hours each day but it is him and her after that til I get home. By the time I get home, he is so upset when I enter the house and sometimes I see her in action of hitting him or throwing things, I intervene. It upsets me to see him so upset. I try to talk to him and calm him down but it’s never easy. He is NOT abusive in any way but voices do tend to rise. He is only human and we both are trying to understand this disease. What can I do to calm him down? What can I say? Do? We have a social worker working hard to get her in a facility. This is what she really needs.

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Been there, done that. My wife just (passed or failed), depending on your sense of humor, Saturday Feb. 5th, 2022.
We had put her into Hospice care six months or so ago, they put her on a mood altering/ non anxiety medication, then later, liquid morphine, orally. there was another medication: a muscle relaxant, because her joints became quite stiff, knees drawn up to her mouth, body in fetal position. most of her joints were impossible to move. her vital signs were perfect: blood pressure 105/66, pulse 70, no fever at all, ever. She had some persistent bedsores, because she rolled over for diaper change, as stiff as a stack of boards. Now, my wife used to leave her caregiver's arms with fingernail marks and sometimes with nasty scratches. the ANTI-ANXIETY med took care of that, plus, we came to realize that she was in terrible pain, for several good reasons, but we couldn't make anything work any more.
Her body was a bundle of pain, but her voice was gone by this time. For over a week she couldn't eat or drink, - couldn't swallow. Only her eyelids moved, but she had no control over them. We administered the 1mL morphine every four hours, all 24hrs. She slept around the clock, would barely move as we tried to get that tiny syringe between her lips; jaw wouldn't move, but she had a missing tooth, so we poked it through that space.
Every time we had to diaper-change it was excruciating pain for her; her eyebrows and face, mouth would knot up, and so the visiting nurse started her on 0.5mL Morphine Sulphate, orally under the tongue, or inside cheek area, where it could trickle down her throat, or be absorbed through membranes; a couple of days later Morphine was increased to 1.0mL. After a week of no food, no water, her diaper didn't need changing any more. In two or three days she stopped breathing.
All medical equipment and materials were free delivered by the Hospice Healthcare company, a non profit largely funded by medicare, - wife was 82+ when she passed, everything Except Home caregiver hours, that were paid for out of my social security income, her S.S. income, plus a $2000 monthly pension payment. We were paying $25/hr for help.
I try to look at all this pain and suffering with a bit of humor, because it helps pull me out of my darker, sadder moments that might otherwise pull me down. The Dementia disease, Alzheimers are so devastating! Caregivers leave, and have to rest, in order to keep their sanity. Every one of us has a painful sore back, from bending over the bed to take care of her.
But I'll tell you this, I stuck it out for two years of this mental and physical torture because she was my lifelong treasure: my adored and loved wife of 58 years this month. I cherished, and loved her so deeply and completely that I rented a hospital bed so I could roll from mine, over onto hers a bit, to hold her hand and just give her little loving strokes, while I told her every little while, how fortunate I was, how happy I was just to be with her. The one and only woman I was ever with; I never wanted anyone else. Sure, I noticed every frilly skirt in the wind, always enjoyed looking at other women, and I told her so, but she was my special sweetheart that no other woman could measure up to. She wasn't especially beautiful, but it was the quality of person that I recognized right away. That's something you can't fake. She was indeed, my greatest treasure; left a huge hole behind, something wonderful and precious is missing from my life, my side. I miss her so much.

All of the care we gave her was in our son's home. We've spent many hours in the combined chore and joy of taking care of her. It is really hard work, because the tasks keep repeating: change her, roll her over several times, feeding, water and cranberry/grape juice, changing every two hours, the labor and lack of sleep just keep tearing you down, it destroys a relationship, unless you can slip in a bit of humor, pleasant attitude.
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Riverdale Feb 2022
What an incredible story of love and loss. I am so sorry for your loss but glad all this suffering has ended. I mean more than just the physical part. I am sure you will have days ahead when the sense of loss feels greater despite the realization of what your lives had become hostage to. I hope you can find solace from happier times. I wish you strength as you attempt to find a new normal in your life without the wrenching routine of the past months. You deserve.to hopefully eventually find ways to live a life that might feel productive for you and help you regain some outlet which gives you some joy knowing you did all you could for a wonderful partner you shared your life with for so many years and to whom you honored with all the care you provided. Wishing you much strength and hope you feel proud of yourself.
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Sometimes family just cannot be the main caregiver. They have such a history with the LO & their communication style is influenced from long held patterns.

This is by no means indicating any lack in your DH's care or commenting on his ability to change.

I am merely commenting on families I have seen.

Well meaning son, daughters, grown grandkids that are trying to relate to the LO they once knew. Expecting them to know things they no longer do, expecting skills that have diminished, expecting co-operation & reason. Asking "do you remember..?" I even met a lady who's family had taped a sign saying 'you have dementia' on her table! They actually thought this would help her feel less anxious about why she was confused! I watched their interaction. Talking fast, expecting everything to be heard & understood. Raising their voice when the lady didn't get it. Getting hot under the collar when communication failed. Then the lady would be shouting, confused, fearful & resistive to everything. Yelling at her to eat was their go-to. This never worked. What DID work was calmly setting the table, calmly letting her see the food & someone joining her. At her pace.

A CNA or Aide, having no personal history, will greet & relate to the elder as they appear that day, at the moment. If that is a stubborn lady refusing to wash or eat, they accept that. Move on, try a different approach or try later.

Your DH may be struggling because he cares. He is invested in whether Mom eats, washes, sits etc. Too many battles?

Time for him to get some more helpers & for him to step back. Keep working towards that placement. Then he can start to de-stress a bit & become her son again.
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Dementia or not, if there is violence or abuse, call 911 and state the issue. His mom needs a geriatric psychiatrist for evaluation and possible medication or med adjustment….there are some on here that think all these issues can be handled by being loving or submissive. I call BS…..there comes a time when their “broken brain” can no longer function within a household situation. That’s when the elder needs facility care, where a whole team of people are there 24/7/365. Sure you have to do your due diligence in researching any facility. Hope your social worker can move quickly on this. If not, have EMS take her to hospital for admittance for care and social worker can get her placed. That’s their job.
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WandaH Feb 2022
Thank you so much for this information. I pray the social worker will get her placed as well because yes it’s time for a professional I call it, someone who went to school for this to take care of her 24/7/365. She has calmed down from the 911 calls but she is still mean to my husband. I have tried so hard to help him because I know this is tough on him to see his mom like this, like a child. I come straight home from work and he either has something cooked or I grab something and I let him do whatever. If he needs to wash the dishes I tend to her needs or if he just needs to leave for a little bit I take care of her so he can. It’s just we don’t have time for ourselves and I worry what if she takes that away from me by giving him a stroke or something. I know that may sound harsh but it’s how I feel. Thank you so much for your comment and information
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If a social worker is working hard to get Mom in facility care, then this is a self limiting situation. And you can but offer your sympathy. However, you can ALSO do the ER DUMP and that is quite frankly what I would do.
Next time there is violence MIL is transported by EMT (this is a 911 call) to ER. The Hospital Social Worker is informed on day one that MIL constitutes a serious danger to you and cannot return to the home. It will then be one them to find placement for MIL. Do not fall for any platitudes of "We can help" or "we can make this work" or "we can get you help". They cannot and will not and these platitudes are so they can get you to allow MIL back in the home. As you are already understanding, no one will want to care for a senior with this level of acting out. Medications are difficult in providing control without sending the poor elder into a zombie like state. Their care is time consuming and next to impossible even in the best memory care.
So sorry you are going through all this and hope you will come back to update us.
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lealonnie1 Feb 2022
My mother is NOT in a zombie like state at ALL in her Memory Care ALF Alva; she's quite alert and able to interact with the staff and the other residents even though she's become hard to handle and aggressive with bad sundowning. Her DOCTOR and her hospice team does not think over medicating her is wise.
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When my mother gets violent, it means that she needs a medication adjustment.

She has never been medicated to a zombie-like state.

Imagine what it would be like to be someone who is so riddled with anxiety, that you become violent. It must be horrible.

I agree with the advice to call 911. Your MIL sure does need help, and your husband should not be abused.
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lealonnie1 Feb 2022
Exactly. Meds aren't the big bad wolf here; they're there to HELP the elder manage their out-of-control emotions and given only to the degree where they do not, not to 'zombie' them out. Thank God for meds for these elders suffering from dementia!
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Placement is what she needs and I applaud your efforts to get this done. Her dementia is real and she cannot control what she does. She would be appalled is she knew what she was doing. But even though you know that, you cannot allow her to destroy the serenity of your sanctuary, nor your inner peace.

While you are looking for placement I would also seek counseling. Both you and your husband should go, either jointly or individually. Whatever you are comfortable with. I go to counseling myself, about every 2-3 weeks. It helps to cry out my hurt and pain of watching my bride of 31+ years go through this wretched disease.
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mgmbaker Feb 2022
Sanctuary - this is a critical concept for caregivers!

When we first started talking about my mom leaving her home, we discussed the possibility of her living with us and we absolutely knew that would be unworkable. My mom is narcissistic and doesn't respect boundaries, so we instinctively knew that would be a bad idea (and then I found this forum and saw the urgent comments saying "don't move 'em in!". We also considered building her a small house on our property. That seemed like a good option because it would make caring for her much more convenient for me. One day, driving onto our property after a particularly hard day at work combined with having to drop and deal with a difficult issue with her, I realized that driving through our gate was like going through a stress detector that strips the stress away. I literally felt the weight of my day slide off my shoulders. I knew then - bringing my mom onto our property, even if not into our home, would be violating my sanctuary. Now, after eight months of Mom in Assisted Living, dealing with difficult interactions with her, even handling her busywork like errands and bill paying, I KNOW we made the right decision to find another place for her besides our own. And I don't think this is only good advice for people with difficult LO, but even for those with LO's who are easygoing. We all need space.

To help me along this journey, I journal what I call "Raising Old People" and the one thing I find over and over again that I have written is "Protect your sanctuary". It's occurs so often in my journal that I would call it a mantra.

To the OP, your m-i-l is violating your sanctuary. She's affecting her son's peace of mind, and through him, yours. If you and he are to complete this time in your lives with your sanity intact, you MUST reclaim your home. I know I felt a bit like a bad daughter for not being more open to my mom being in or near my home, but I've come to realize that by having a force field of peace around me, I am better equipped to do what I must do for her and to do it with a loving spirit,
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This is horrible beyond belief and I don't give a dam if she has dementia or not - this is terrible and must be stopped by any means possible. If this were my mother, or my mother in law, or anyone else including God or the devil, that person would be removed so fast from the premises, you wouldn't see the blur. People like this NEVER, EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD GET AWAY WITH THIS BEHAVIOR AND SHOULD NEVER, EVER BE ALLOWED TO LIVE IN THE HOME WITH NORMAL PEOPLE - N E V E R! They can be so ugly, nasty and dangerous and why anyone would put up with that is beyond me - never, ever. Has medication been tried, has she been evaluated for unknown physical problems, like urinary tract infection. If this is the way she is, get her out of that home and away from him before he is a ruined soul who did no harm to deserve this fate. In the meantime, I would put her in her room and perhaps a half gate (to watch her), keep the gate or door locked. The next time she does this I would at once call the police and say she is wild and is attacking your husband and get her to the hospital. Once there, they will place her but never take her home again. This woman does not deserve you or your husband and your first duty is to him. End this horror now.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2022
When the dementia gets to the point where there's abuse and violence, they have to go.
I hope the OP does an ER dump then lets the hospital and the MIL's social worker take it from there.
No one has to live in abuse. Caregiver abuse is very real and happens often. It creates a high-risk situation for elder abuse too.
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I am not reading all the responses because I'm on a break at work. But I hope you have taken videos of the abuse to show the doctors because she may turn up sweet on any doctor visits and they need to see her in action.
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Kittybee Feb 2022
Agree with this. Down the thread, Wanda says MIL is a sweetheart to the visiting medical professionals they have come by.
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She needs anxiety medication to keep HER calm. Dementia causes them to become violent and hostile to even their caregivers who are trying to comfort them. He should not have to endure her abuse.
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No one has to tolerate or live in abuse. It sounds to me like you and your husband are at the end of your ropes and need your MIL out.
The social worker may be working very hard to get her facility placement but so far has not found any. Your situation is high-risk for elder abuse.
Bring your MIL to a hospital ER and ask for a 'Social Admit'. Tell them that she cannot and will not be cared for by you and your husband in your home anymore because she's become too violent. Give the hospital her social worker's contact information.
They will admit her to the hospital until a facility is found for her.
Whatever you do, DO NOT let them talk you into taking her back into your house.
They will promise you all kinds of homecare services that will take care of her at your place until her social worker finds a facility. You will not get anything except right back to where you are now. Refuse all of it and refuse to take her home.
The hospital and their social workers will find placement for her quick.
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KaleyBug Feb 2022
This is not always the case. Some put them in a taxi and send them home. Especially if her temperament is good while there.
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