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As my parents age, I'm finding myself more worried about my own old age. On some level I notice that they aren't much different than they ever were, but I don't want to be like them! Recently, my mom said the same thing about her mother!!

My dad is 87 and my mom 92. My dad is still doing pretty well, although he's slowing down and obviously overwhelmed a lot of the time. He does try, but everything is an effort, from cell phones to computers. Of course, I can understand that. But, I'll admit that I get kind of frustrated that everything seems to be difficult for him.

My mom has dementia, but in a lot of ways, she is still doing well. Still, it's depressing to see her forgetting EVERYTHING and constantly repeating herself.

I find myself waking up at night worrying that I'll end up like them. I want more than that for myself and my husband. I don't want us to end up being so unaware of what's going on around us. My mom says things like "old age isn't for sissies" (I know, Maye West) and, "the one thing about old age is you become invisible, no one notices you!" I don't think that's true, but on some level, it's my mom's excuse for not doing anything with herself. I don't want to be that way.

I'm 59 and 20 years go by in a flash. I'm healthy, smart (I think), take good care of myself and am trying hard to keep up with everything (up to a point). I love my parents, but they are bringing me down and scaring me.

To top it off, my husband and I don't have kids so at some point we are going to be dealing with all this stuff on our own. I worry so much that I feel like I'm taking away from all the wonderful things that I have now.

I know others must feel this way, too. I'd love to hear from you guys.

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Wow..I can so relate to you. I am 3 years younger than you. I lost my dad to stroke and age related dementia in January of 2010 and now my 85 year old mother is headed into dementia as well. I have been thinking exactly the same as you....I don't want to get like that. Yet probably again like you, I know I was and am extremely lucky to have had my dad for 93 years and mom is still mostly functioning on her own although we just moved her to a seniors lodge. Quite honestly, longevity seems to run in mine as well as your family and it scared the heck out of me!! LOL
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A person could drive themselves into an early grave worrying about this stuff. What if I get cancer? What if I have a stroke? What if I end up with Alzheimer's? The list goes on and on. The way I look at it is:1- first I make sure my soul is right with God so I know exactly WHERE I'm spending eternity 2- I take care of this body (that will eventually poop out) as much as possible, but I realize that I don't really have any control, only God does 3 - I spend as much time as the Lord allows me to have, making a difference wherever I can. And fourthly I acknowledge that the God who knows how many hairs are on my head, has my days numbered and won't let anything happen to me until He gives the OK. I know it sounds kinda simple, but it gives me a great calmness knowing that the One that created me has it all figured out.
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I realize I have no control over this so I do try to take good care of myself, both physically and mentally. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people who tends to worry about things in general! It's certainly not taking over my life, but I can wake up at night and find my thoughts traveling to places I'd rather not go (ha ha).

naheaton, I envy your strong belief. I wish I felt that certain. I also spend a fair amount of time adding God into the equation, but I honestly don't feel as certain as you. In the end, I think, there is either an afterlife or there is nothing. I do think about that, but mostly I'm concerned about the next 20 years, or more precisely, the end of the next 20 years! And, yes, I realize I can only do so much.

I guess I wish I had an Andy Rooney in my life or who was the woman who was still riding horses when she was 90. I'd like to meet some elderly people who are still "with it" and perhaps have some good things to say about their lives. My mom has dementia and she's actually pretty happy, but I can tell that old age is really hard on my dad. He's frustrated by the things he can't do well anymore and constantly talks about his latest ache. Now, I'm hearing about how his brain isn't working right anymore. I feel his frustration, but I wish he could be more positive because it's depressing being around him and my mom.
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I don't have to wait till I get older than dirt to have a bad memory. I'm seeing that now. How many times can a person go into a room and not remember where or why they were going there in the first place? Oh my gosh!! I got a birthday card yesterday that says: "Ever notice the older we get, the more we're like computers? We start out with lots of memory and drive, then we eventually become outdated, crash at odd moments, acquire errors in our systems, and have to have our parts replaced." Boy isn't that the truth?? I tell ya, if you can't laugh about this age thing at some point, then you might as well just roll over and die. hahaha You're NOT alone. We're all in this thing together.
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I know what you mean. And, my husband and I do laugh about a lot of things (including my parents)! Also, I try to put things into perspective. I think most people don't want to be like their parents on some level. Recently, my 92 year old mother said the same thing about her own mother, even though I know how much she loved her! What a surprise. Maybe it's our struggle to separate.

Right now I'm very fortunate that (because of my dad) my parents are still quite independent. Still, being around them on a regular basis gives me a good dose of reality. I notice my brothers aren't nearly as bothered because they don't live nearby so don't see all the little things.

I tell myself I'm going to do better than my parents because I have to. My husband and I don't have kids so it's going to be up to us to make sure we get the care we need. I don't necessarily have a problem with forgetting some things and slowing down, but my biggest fear is I'll be peeing and pooping in my pants and grossing everyone out. I'll smell bad and I won't know it because my own sense of smell will be bad. I'll keep wearing the same clothes over and over again, even though there are stains down the front from where I spilled food and didn't notice.

I remember my mom saying to me, when she still had it together, to make sure I told her if she smelled bad or had messed up her clothes. Now, she doesn't seem to care.

Don't some elderly people continue to dress nicely and take care of themselves? Don't some continue to be interesting and interested in what's going on? I'd just like to witness some positives out there!
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I saw an old lady in the grocery store the other day. She obviously cared how she looked since she was dressed really nice. Problem was, her bright red lipstick was smeared pretty bad, and her drawn on eyebrows looked like Mr Spock's on Star Trek. So I guess it's all relative I guess. :)
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Ha ha! That sort of helps. Did you talk to her? Did she seem to know where she was?!
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Well, I don't know if I am in the category you would call elderly, lol, but I am 74 and I plan on riding horses again. After years on my own, and some encouragement and guidance from my daughter about 3-4 years ago I started dressing differently - not that I dressed badly before but I was more matronly. My daughter told me I had a "bod" and to show it off more. I bought straight leg jeans, camisoles, and cute dresses and joined online dating sites. Even the guys at work noticed. I met lots of men of all ages - oh my goodness I have some stories there - a 23 yr old!!! - and was not totally prepared for them, but learned quickly how to handle various situations. Finally 2 1/2 years ago I met a very nice man of 60 and we are an item and planning for permanent. He breeds horses for a hobby and I am learning to "read" them and feel comfortable around them and can call myself a wrangler. I have chased herds of horses through fields of clover!Two years ago we went tenting in the mountains, I hadn't been in a tent for years. I expect we will again, I have formed a bond with one of his mares and want to ride her - the last time I rode was over 50 years ago. Oh yes, I retired from teaching college when I was 73. I could have kept teaching but my 99 yr old mother needed more attention. She did volunteer work in Haiti for 6 months of the year till she was 86. I have a few health conditions -fibromyalgia for example, which are a pain - literally - but I can still do things though at a slower pace. I am considering getting a personal trainer to build myself up. For me, in many ways, my life began again at 70. :)
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I heard it said by our local expert on again, Dr. Lipschitz, that there are two kinds of elders - those who stay active and involved, and those who don't. My parents were, sadly, definite type twos as their health went down hill and really did not do a lot of joining in with clubs, etc other than sporadically when they were more middle aged. They tended to quit over any kind of disagreement or perceived slight or deficit.

I also don't want to be like that! OK, I'm going a little overboard trying to leverage current medical knowledge to manage my health better than my ancestors...hardly a day goes by that I don't Google something on antioxidants, insulin resistance or estrogen receptors...I'm on yet another diet...but the main thing I'm planning on doing is staying active and involved, like the older folks in my Kiwanis club. Some of them that I admired the most - the WWII vet who quit golfing at 90 because he was unhappy with his game, but took it back up again once he realized there was a chance he could shoot lower than his age - the guy who hit the pavement and sold more tickets to our fundraisers than the rest of us put together til about the same age, after giving his wife the best care in the world for a couple of years after she had a stroke - have gone on now, but they all "lived 'til they died." (As in the lovely refrain to an old Irish dirnking song, "if the whiskey don't git me, I'll live 'til I die!")

So, I'm not sure if I'm telling you to join Kiwanis or some other group that inspires you (though you may want check it out, it really is a pretty cool service club - maybe it's that focus on "Serving the Children of the World" that keeps us young) or not too drink too much whiskey, but seriously, make a decision to stay connected and involved, be accepting rather than perfectionistic about what you can and can't do, and figure out who you can trust to take care of you the way you want in case you ever need it. Do your best, let God do the rest - don't worry about it if you have really done what you can. That Faith thing means a lot to me too...but faith or no, just worrying without doing what you can won't help anything, and what you can't do, well you can't do it!

PS to emio - the personal trainer is a great idea...and don't forget to wear a helmet when you're riding again!
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Wow...I so relate to this. In fact it has been a stress point for me the past year. I retired to care for my parents. Dad died last year at the age of 94. Mom is slowing down, but still fairly alert (reading from an ipad) at the age of 90. Longevity is in my family. There have been cases of dementia, but for the most part as with both parents there is clarity. One day my dad said, "I'm tired." He was gone three weeks later. Sorry I am going on so.

My concern is what will I do at their age? And I am not married. It is scary. And financially is another major concern. geez.

I am saving this page since I am in the middle of the Christmas rush, but I want to read the responses.

Thank you so much for voicing my concern. And I have to agree with one thing. I do think that people do forgot the elderly, visitors do decrease as my mother's mobility has become limited. Sad.
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I so admire my father in law. He and my mother are both 84, but their lives are so different.

My mother in is assisted living, very depressed and has a hard time even walking to meals.

My father in law is very active, plays golf, give lectures at the community college, gives lectures on cruise ships (so he and is younger wife can cruise for free). He eats a healthy diet, even turning vegetarian at 83. He's well read and very interesting to talk to. The only time I've ever seen him depressed was when his first wife died of cancer. He has such a good attitude he is a pleasure to be around. My husband is the same way. They're my role models for life.

It can be very difficult to be around my mother. She has become such a burden and she's right that her life is difficult, but a change in her outlook on life would make her easier to be around and help her get more of what's she's looking for.

I try to exercise, eat right so that I'll have a long healthy life as well. It can be difficult, but you have to try and it's never too late.
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Stay away from ALL prescribed drugs and DON'T cave in to your drug pushing doctor. All prescribed drugs are toxic especially for the elderly and cause most of our health problems including DEMENTIA. Take good supplements especially a good Vitamin B complex w/ FOLATE not folic acid. Eat good food, stay way as much as possible from processed foods. Good luck!
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I definitely agree about the drugs! I was on a drug for overactive bladder for about 10 years. Then my doctor wanted to do some exploratory surgery and thank God a nurse told me to try physical therapy!!! I'm not completely off the drugs, rarely leak and rarely have the spasms that were bothering me at night.

I do think staying active and having interests helps. This morning Barbara Cook was on The Morning Show because she is being honored by the Kennedy Center. She is 83 and a singer who had about a 10-year problem with alcohol which she overcame (I cannot recall when that was). When she performed I couldn't believe how good her voice still is. Of course, Tony Bennett is still quite good. I wonder what it is about the performing arts that seems to keep people doing so well?

I'm a pretty good artist (colored pencil), but I sure cannot sing!
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Darn it, I wish there was a way to edit these things before posting. Correction: I am NOW completely off the drugs! I need to add that now they are trying to get me to take one of those drugs for bone density (that have all the side effects).
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One more thing, I'm so bad at forums. I didn't realize I had so many nice responses. I want to give all of you guys a hug. Thank you for such thoughtful, funny and inspirational answers. I feel like I've gotten a very nice Christmas Gift!
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Good for you for you Lydia!
to add to this my mother bought her first computer when she was 94 and learned to use it.. My daughter and I helped her with telephone tutorials or suggestions by email and she does OK. She said that the young people use computers now to communicate so that is why she does too. She keeps in touch with the extended family and is the only one left in her generation.
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That is great. Give her a hug from me - in Canada. Maybe it will be her first Canadian hug. Make it long and sweet and stroke her head for me.
Such a nice daughter you are to be proud of her. That keeps her going.
Blessings,
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I am in Canada too and mother is narcissistic with borderline personality disorder and not the warm type - nobody strokes her head! I have had few hugs from her in my whole life. And believe me she keeps herself going, or perhaps the disorder does. None theless she does do some things that are admirable/ Blessings back to you.
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Oh my dear. What a journey that is for you. One of my dearest friends struggles with that challenge. I have an email on the web page if you ever want to connect. I am off to bed now - family all coming over for dinner tomorrow.
Hugs and happiness to you. Lydia
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Hey, as one of those drug-pushing doctors, I'd just say that all prescription drugs are not all that bad - I don't like to think where I would be without a half dose of oxcarbamazepine at night to prevent hyperacusis from triggering migraines, or my sack full of triptans in case I get one anyways. And my mom - she would have been in a world more hurt and died much younger and worse off than she did without her SInemet and thyroid replacement...though I've got my doubts about a couple of the other things she was on. Side effects are very individual - I've had more than my share - and I've even managed to have some on OTCs and supplements. I would say to everyone be very careful and very choosy about what you put into your body and switch docs if yours just blanket discourages supplements and healthful eating, and does not listen to side effect concerns. Always suspect a side effect if something new develops within the first several weeks or maybe a little longer on a new pill of any sort; people really can harm themselves by not speaking up about it and just continuing to take something that makes them feel bad because its *supposed* to be good. It is also possible that as we age, some things we take may no longer be metabolized as well and may not agree with us anymore at all, or may require much lower dose. Finally, If you choose to take "a good multivitamin" because you don't think your diet has all that you need, be aware they have recently found there is apparently some increased health risk to that. A possible reason is that there are compounds in real whole foods that we don't know about (look up the PQQ saga) and/or the balance of isoforms in the food is better than what they can cheaply and easily put in a pill (e.g. tocopherols/VitaminE - just alpha by itself may be harmful, you also need gamma.) Read those labels!
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Hey Guys, a Happy Chistmas Eve/Last Day of Advent to all who celebrate it, and seriously - that web page is VERY nice, by which I mean very pretty, very clean and simple with good information and navigation, and it just got added to my Favorites list. LT, I know you said you were 71, but you are obviously the youngest person on here...and no one could better answer that question YES, there ARE ways to stay inspired as we age! Blessings to all!!
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Merry Christmas to you too, vstefans. I am with you on the drugs and supplements. I had a horrible withdrawal from cetirizine (OTC antihistamine for those who do not know it), I will never touch it again, and my muscles don't like statins. Niacin does just fine and at my age my blood fats being a little high is not a risk factor. They were awesome when I was younger. I know of the studies where they found multivitamins not linked with improved mortality but that the opposite is true. Vit D is worth taking I think, and possibly calcium and magnesium if your diet is lacking in them. It seems the bottled omega 3s may not be much help either. Eat fish. I am allergic to dairy, but I make bone broth (boil bones for a couple of days with a little vinegar added) and then make soup. Home made food is best with as few processed food as possible. We have bought a meat grinder/sausage stuffer for the moose and deer meat we have. I have a masters in Human Physiology and a great interest in Nutrition. If I was to pick one lifestyle factor that needs attention in order to live a healthy life it would be nutrition. Exercise and stress management are important, as are adequate sleep and keeping mentally active and being socially connected, etc but I have come to believe that nutrition plays the most important role. Genetic make up is important but we cannot choose that ;). I am a rabid googler too. Do you get Lancet? Keeps me in touch. Sig other wonders that I am not up on world news. I tell him I am up on world health and new developments in medecine and that is more important. LOL
BTW - LT is 77 - even more amazing!
My faith is very important to me too and I know it helps my health - "do not worry..."
. and thank you for the reminder about the helmet. Sig other never wears one, but he has ridden for years and really knows how to read horses nonetheless he could be surprised. I am still in the process of getting comfortable around them and learning to read their body language.
Blessing to you too.
Joan
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Lancet, huh? I'm a NEJM girl myself. I like Medscape and emedicine for reference articles, and yes, you are right on about nutrition. Exercise alone, with a bad diet, was not all that helpful to me, and I have some patients who truly cannot exercise for various reasons. Now, for me exercise is very essential to maintain muscle mass and mobility as well as boost my mood. A lot does depend on individual genetic makeup in terms of how much excercise and diet will or will not help you, and which diet and workout program is most likely to work - I am very convinced that attempts to find out "which diet is best?" are very misguided, as the question should be "which diet is best for whom?" Just my $0.02..
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According to some experts, in terms of weight reduction or maintenance, diet is about 80% and exercise 20% (on average), The schools should be advocating good diet way above exercise, IMO. However, exercise does, as you mention, have other very important benefits, and those include lowered risk of certain cancers. I agree you have to find out what suits you. I have to eat low carb - just how it is. My mother, at 99, can exist on little more than well chosen carbs, and stay healthy. Must take a look at NEJM again - brings back memories... Your $0.02 is worth more than that!
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vestefans....... which diet is best for WHOM? How about, which drug is best for whom? I wish that were the question that the pharma companies would use when trying to push their nasty drug therapies on EVERYONE especially the elderly when we all know that there are NO clinical trials to prove that those nasty drugs even work on the elderly. I hope you physicians are FULLY DISCLOSING these facts to your elderly patients. BTW, I just met a young professional who confirmed what I have been reading, that over 100,000 people DIE from taking their drugs as prescribed. Also, according to the LANDMARK Starfield Study, the medical system is the THIRD LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH behind cancer and heart disease. YIKES!!!! Probably way better to eat well as Joan says then to be drug dependent IMO.
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"How about, which drug is best for whom?" AMEN to that, sister! There are still so many drug trials that include only healthy young men. There is info on adjusting thyroid dose for age, and I did have a good doc take care of reducing my dad's meds when it no longer made sense to be on some preventives. They MAY get to where they can predict statin side effects on muscle at least, the way they do a couple of cancer drugs, but that may not help someone like me who had cognitive effects..and it did not help my mom who doubled her dose and got rhabdomyolysis...long, sad story there. Some of my colleagues who probably have not had to take much medicine themselves, or they'd most likely have had a little personal experience continue to frustrate me by not ilstening to what their patients try to tell them and try to blame or scold the patient. My patients absolutely get told potential side effects, my overall experience with any given drug, whether to just quit, taper off, call me, or ride it out for a limited period if they experience anything untoward. I do NOT want anyone dying or even beign ill from a side effect on my watch, as it really is a horrendous problem as you stated...that generation in particular is very prone to just take whatever they are told to take without asking a single question or really knowing a thing about it, which IMHO is a potenitally deadly attitude or habit to have. Now I need to disclose that I'm a pediatrican and rehab doc, so none of my patients at work are elderly; I had to learn about that side of things as we went. Modern geriatric literature does include listings of meds that should generally be avoided, yet not everyone knows about this - too many of us never bother to stay even superfically up to date in each other's specialities, which is another big part of the problem. (Don't even get me started on artificial vs. bioidentical estrogens - if only we all knew what the transgender endocrinologists knew about them, the whole approach to menopause would be a lot different, too.) But sometimes I feel fearful that something I really need and toelrate could be on that list when I'm older and they won't let me continue! I'm putting a lot of stock in the field of personal genomics, that it can be leveraged to find out exactly what is and isn't safe and beneficial for each of us, and where any of us might have different results than the larger study population as a while. We are definitely not there yet.
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to add, I have a relatively "compliant" doctor and I have an ongoing requisition for thyroid testing -about every 2 months as my levels have been bouncing since my youngest son died 9 years ago. I went off statins and rebounded to the highest blood fats I have ever had in my life. They are down now. My BP was up after my son died (borderline high)- walking brought it down, my blood sugar was from the stress too - just borderline - and diet (restricted carb) works on that. I had chronic sinus infections for years and was prescribed antibiotics for years till it was resistant to most, and resulted in a massive candida infection which the average doctor does not know how to treat. I now rinse my sinuses with a 10% peroxide solution day and night and haven't needed an antibiotic for 2 years but am still fighting the candida imbalance. If the doctor had listened to me when I first had it, I think I would be better by now. I researched the dose of diflucan I needed and eventually convinced him and finally I am getting results not low grade fevers. You have to advocate for yourself and read, read, read!
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Well, this took off in another direction! But, that's okay because I think taking care of ourselves is important no matter what age we are. Too many people don't.

I want to clarify that I'm not against doctors prescribing drugs, but I do often feel as though they do it too easily. And, another thing that bothers me is that drugs don't seem to be prescribed by weight. Shouldn't they be? I often cannot tolerate the dossage recommended for OTC and have had problems with some prescriptions.

I'm concerned also that certain drugs seem to become popular, LIKE bioidentical hormones, statins, Boniva, etc. I've been pushed into taking the bone density tests and, I'm sorry, I find myself thinking they bought the equipment and now they need to justify having it. So far, there doesn't seem to be a reliable drug for increasing bone density and I'm refusing to take anything, even though I'm small and am "heading towards osteoporosis" according to my doctor. I'm taking my calcium (although I've read that doesn't really help) and vitamin D. I use the treadmill for 40-45 minutes 6 times a week and twice a week I use a weight machine.

I'm not thrilled with any of my doctors and feel fortunate that I've had a couple of good ones in the past who made a big difference in my life. I imagine it's a lot of work keeping up with everything, but I sure wish I had more confidence in my current doctors all the same.
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there is a list of bone density articles
Probably worth a look through. There is so much information around these days it can be overwhelming. Gentle impact exercises over time seem to give good results. I have heard that Vit K is important too. You can not buy it in Canada but the herbal companies on line will ship it here.
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Here is a summary The mini trampoline will definitely increase your bone density although not as much as a high-quality acceleration training machine.

More Tips for Building Your Bones

Most of you reading this will not have regular access to acceleration training or a mini trampoline, but you can still keep your bones strong. The simple guidelines that follow can help you maintain, or increase, your bone strength safely and naturally and actually work synergistically with these types of exercise to optimize your bone density:

Increase your consumption of vegetables and eat based on your body's unique nutritional type. If you find it difficult to eat the recommended amount of vegetables you need daily, you can also try vegetable juicing.

Eating high quality, organic, biodynamic, locally grown food will naturally increase your bone density and decrease your risk of developing osteoporosis.
Avoid processed foods. If you eat a diet full of processed foods, it will produce biochemical and metabolic conditions in your body that will decrease your bone density, so avoiding processed foods is a first step in the right direction.
Consume a healthy balance between omega-6 and omega-3 fats, and especially reduce or eliminate the amount of processed vegetable oils such as corn, canola, safflower, and soy that you consume.
Most everyone needs to take a high quality, animal-based omega 3 fat. I recommend krill oil, as I believe it’s a superior source of omega 3’s.
Avoid gluten, a grain protein that has been shown to decrease bone density. Gluten is found in wheat, barley, rye, oats and spelt.
Avoid soda and sugar, which increase bone damage by depleting your bones of calcium.
Avoid steroids, especially if you have asthma or any other autoimmune disease. Steroids increase your risk for osteoporosis.
Consider supplementing with vitamin K2 if you are not getting enough from food alone. Vitamin K2 serves as the biological "glue" that helps plug the calcium into your bone matrix. The dose is about 185 mcg per day.

Fermented foods, such as natto, typically have the highest concentration of vitamin K found in the human diet and can provide several milligrams of vitamin K2 on a daily basis.
Optimize your vitamin D levels. Vitamin D builds your bone density by helping your body absorb calcium.
Exercise. Studies show that exercise is just as important to your bone health as eating a calcium-rich diet. Strength-building exercises like weight training are especially helpful here.
Consider natural progesterone, which can increase your bone strength. It does this by serving as a growth promoter for the osteoblasts (the cells that build bone). For more on progesterone, please review Complications Regarding Progesterone Cream.
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