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Today my brother and I secured a 1bed 1 1/2 bath space at a local home. It is Independent Living, Assisted Living and Memory Car step up levels. My stepfather and his wife are going into the Assisted Living wing on the first floor. The facility is 3 years old and top notch in every respect. I told my brother today when I am age 82 in 10 years, I am moving into a place like this...no cleaning, no laundry, no cooking, activities and more, won't bother me in the least! I am a widow and there is no need for me to isolate myself, 4 walls mean nothing to me, I never get attached to a space, so for me, moving is not an issue. Perhaps you should look around and see what is available in your area!
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TaylorUK Jul 2019
I think there are some very important points here, we move throughout our lives for various reasons this is just another case where the right place for now and the future needs to be found. Great to do it whilst able. I’m sure none of us wants to be cleaning, washing, etc if we find it hard and don’t have to. We need to plan for being older when we are younger not just put our heads in the sand and there are some very good options around, but like house hunting it takes a bit of time and effort.
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Sorry your expectations seem to be going unmet, but it’s better to learn the limitations of your daughters involvement now, while you're still able to plan for your future. You haven’t provided much information.. how is your health and are you pretty independent? Do you own a house, and are your daughters local with families of their own? Would your daughters be able to at least assist you in finding suitable care if you need it, even though it’s not them doing the hands on care?
As already suggested, try to make your life easier with services. Independent living facilities that can transition to assisted living may not be the picture you had in mind, but can still provide a very good quality of life if you have the funds.
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tabouli10 Jul 2019
Appreciate your response and very helpful suggestions. To respond to the replies, prior to my surgery, which removed a small lesion on my face, it was fortunately at an early melanoma stage for full recovery anticipated in a short time. But it did raise an important issue for me in the future dealing with availability and interest from my 3 daughters (who live in the bay area).
While having prior maladies in past (back surgeries), I have been totally self-sufficient, not requiring any assistance from them. Indeed, I am financially secure, own my home in SF, and pay in large part for their graduate school, among many other things, which I am glad to do.
It's the sense of disappointment that they do not verbalize an interest or effort. I do not have any unrealistic or unreasonable expectations of them, just a desire and a bit more time with them; not in any way to encroach on their lives.
I suspect a balance of my socializing more (I am an introvert and writer), utilizing the available services if need be, although I will continue to exercise, shop, etc. as before, and redirect my thinking.
Any other thoughts would be appreciated.
Am I unreasonable?
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I am a daughter who is not available to care for either of my parents, nor my in-laws. Neither of my parents, nor my in-laws had any role in caring for their parents.

It is your responsibility to plan for your future, without expecting your daughters to provide your care.

Downsize and declutter, you home.

You need to make sure you are living within walking distance or the services you may need, or be prepared to pay for a ride.

Arrange for delivery services of food, medication etc.

My former mil was resistant to shopping delivery, but I flat out refused to take her shopping after she would tell me 'no I do not need anything', then the next day her neighbour calling me to complain that he had to buy her milk and bread and asking why I was not taking her shopping. I told her either she called her sons or signed up for delivery. It took a while, but she has had grocery delivery for 10 years now and loves it.

If you do not cook, arrange for Meals on Wheels or another food delivery service.

How do you engage with them?

Take them out for dinner or lunch.
Get involved in your grandchildren's activities.
Don't spend the time you are together moaning and complaining about what you can or cannot do.
Let them know what you are doing to make it easier for you and them in the future.
Get your paper work in order, Will, POA, Health Care etc.

Ask them how you can help them out?

And yes, I have my paperwork in order, I live near the resources I will need in the future, I am in the process of decluttering, I will modify my home in 10 years to have a fully accessible suite and a rental unit to provide some income, or living space for line in caregivers.

I do not expect my kids to be my caregivers.
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anonymous272157 Jul 2019
Well put, and good advice.
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What would you expect if they were sons and not daughters?
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This is a sad story. I am so sorry your daughters are not available for you in your time of need. You need to plan for your future and think of yourself. Contact the Senior Center and inquire about elder services. They offer transportation to and from appointments, meals on wheels and do wellness checks. They can give you more advice. I hope you find the right resources and wish you many blessings.
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paulfoel123 Jul 2019
Why is is "sad"? There has been no indication of what the daughers have going on in their lives. How far away do they live? Do they have kids? Disabled kids even?

Really does my chunk in that anyone who can't look after an elderly relative is automatically bad.
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Start researching independent living and assisted living facilities. If you live in a two story home downsize to an apartment or one level condo. Look into grocery delivery and pharmacy delivery. See what your office on aging has to offer. Expecting your daughters to become full time carers for you is not a reasonable request.
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