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My biological father took off when I was around four years old. Never saw nor heard from him again. When I was 28, I went looking, found him and we had one of those Made-for-TV reunions. I really like him and his wife. I am "their" only child.


I have seen them maybe a dozen times over the next 25 years. Recently, I visited because my dad was having heart surgery and I felt guilt for not visiting him for 3+ years. I was shocked at how awful their lives are in every way! So I helped to buy them a nice condo near me (in a different state from where they live now) and I am helping them sell their house, their junky furniture and other stuff, etc. I am moving them up here and will take on their medical dramas, which are extensive for both of them. I am also their new POA and MPOA so I have now been paying their bills (out of their dwindling remaining money). It's not been fun.


The tiny thing is this: in all the years I've known them, they have never been the least bit generous with my child (their only grandchild) nor me. They have rarely even asked how my child, now grown, is doing since they met her when she was 8 and saw her only 3x since. They have shown marginal interest in my life, but have never stepped outside their comfort zone to be part of my life or anything else.


I am hoping by moving them here that I will get to know them better, and that we will merge into some fantasy of a happy family, but I know that's not likely. I just figure that since I give money to strangers for charitable causes, I may as well redirect that money to them, my blood relative and his wife.


But sometimes, when I see them being kooky with their lives or money, or indulging in their generation's typical racism and sexism, I wonder if I shouldn't be getting involved. When they run out of money, or are unable to live independently, I do not imagine myself cleaning up feces or going to see them every day. I might do that for my mom and stepdad, but not for these two. I will not be allocating more money to take care of them in their old age other than what I've done now, since I am trying to save for my own retirement. I suddenly feel wary of what I'm getting myself into, especially reading all your posts.


Any thoughts? Any helpful suggestions? Warnings? Advice?

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"...indulging in their generation's typical racism and sexism"--Sorry, but not good to generalize this way.
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SnoopyLove Jul 2020
Good point, jacobsonbob. My dad is 85 and I've never heard him say anything remotely racist or sexist. I don't think the age of the bio dad and wife are an excuse for them here.
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I think you've certainly gone above and beyond and should no longer feel any obligation towards either of them, especially since he walked out of your life all those years ago and is irresponsible with money. Begin to think of your future and retirement.
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I think you're seeing warning signs of crossing into more care, financially and otherwise, so it's time to establish boundaries right now.    If they haven't shown interest in your family yet, I doubt that will change, so keep that in mind.    They'll likely become used to your involvement and assistance, so be careful what you do.

I'd think seriously, VERY seriously, about becoming involved in their "medical dramas".   This could be quicksand.

You've already gone out of your way to help; I would draw the line at that, especially financially.   You want to make sure you have enough funds for your own family when the times comes.   And w/o being maudlin or dramatic, you never know when that may happen, especially during the pandemic.

What you might do is locate resources, ranging from the local Senior Center to vetting care companies, and provide them with that information as well as the critical information (so they can find their own sources of support) that you won't be providing that help yourself.

I think you might already have inadvertently encouraged them with what you've done, so stop the financial drain; open an account instead for your daughter's future.

You already have a mother and stepfather who may need help.    Tackling another set of parents is too much, especially given your queries and concerns now.    Draw the line in the sand, NOW, and don't cross it.
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SeniorStruggles Jul 2020
Extremely sage advice. Thank you.
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Thank you everyone. I am willing to help them get here and get set up, but I am not taking over anymore things, thanks to you all.
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MargaretMcKen Jul 2020
Sensible move. Yours sincerely, Margaret
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You felt guilty for not seeing him for 3 years... but does he feel guilty for walking out on his family?! Leaving your mother holding the bag to raise you alone and with no monetary help from him?

If he didn’t care about you then, he’s not going to now. He didn’t look for you; you had to look for him. You’re rescuing him, but would he ever rescue you? No. He was a coward and walked out. Don’t the people who raised you and stuck by you deserve your help much more?

The “but it’s my dad” argument doesn’t apply here. He is not your dad. He chose not to raise you. You weren’t important enough to him to stick around. A little girl needs her daddy. And he rejected you.

Maybe you’re trying to make up for the lost years, or to have the dad you wanted (and wanted you). You’re trying to fill the void he made when he left. Really think about why you are doing all this.
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I was going to say something but LoopyLoo basically covered it. I think you are in way too deep with these people. And you see your father has not changed. Get them settled, arrange for help but you really need to extract yourself from this situation. I think you should have left them where they were.
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It sounds like you have done a lot for them and been so kind and generous.

However I think its important to bear in mind that this does not seem a remotely normal parent and child situation. If he abandoned you at 4 years old he has not been there as a father for you. Should a child look after a "sperm donor" parent in old age just because they donated their sperm? Adult birds feed baby birds but I have never seen a younger bird feeding an aging parent. Sometimes I think pressure to care for ones parents is a total misaligned cultural norm, particularly where the parents have been abusive, negelctful or absent.

It sounds like you like them and get on with them. So I would think of it as helping aging friends not aging parents.

Best of luck. Sounds like you have a heart of gold. Maybe be a bit careful about things like PoA as I wonder if that gives you certain legal obligations which are unhelpful.
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This is why I never tried to contact my biological father. He knew about me and chose not to be part of my life. The man who I called Dad married Mom when I was 2. I've knew no other father. If BF had ever contacted me he would not have had a warm reception. Same with my daughter's father. He chose not to be a part of her life. My now DH raised her.

You owe this man nothing. I wouldn't even have done as much as you did. You have done what you can, you do not need to support them.
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Having read through this thread, I am glad you see the warning signs clearly. I expect that these folks will attempt to guilt you once their dwindling funds run out.

Adult child are not obligated to supply funds to support their senior parents, even if the relationship was stellar. How much less so if the parent abandoned you!

You can assist with getting them signed up for what government support they qualify for, including medicaid when the money runs out.
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My own father was a simply awful, and my parents split when I was 5. I managed to keep in contact (unlike my younger sister), and went to see him (12,000 miles, long trip) before he died. But I would never never have done for him the things that you have taken on. Occasional visits were all I could cope with, short enough not to get difficult. I am glad that I showed some respect for the biological relationship, but that was enough.

My dreadful father could be absolutely charming, so I’m not surprised that you liked him and his wife. Think again. The further in you go, the higher the expectations that you will keep on, and the higher your own feelings of guilt if you stop. Be very careful.
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