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I realize that you have a kind heart. You mentioned wanting to be helpful. Just remember though, a person has to want help in order to receive it. Otherwise, trying to help a person that isn’t willing to receive help that is offered to them is completely futile. It never works and is a total waste of time.

Place your time and energy into your future. You tried to help your parents. They opted to do things differently than you would have liked for them to do. That was their right, even if they chose to be foolish and make poor choices in life.

Sometimes, the best thing that we can do for someone is to let them fall down, hoping they will figure out a way to get back up.

Allow your dad to work this out on his own. Be kind to yourself now. You deserve it.

Wishing you peace during this transitional period in your life.
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Mmm777 Jun 2021
Thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to comment. This makes a lot of sense.
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"I still have to help my 83 year old father and he is still getting into messes. I don't want to do this anymore."

Stop. Right there. WHY do you HAVE to help your father?

He doesn't want help. He wants to be "in charge".

Let him be in charge. Let him be.

Be a daughter, not a manager. When there is a bad decision and a "mess"--"gee Dad, that's too bad. I don't know how to fix that situation". "Oh Dad, what a sad thing. No, I can't come over to help".

As you point out, he is mentally ill and likely always has been, as was your mom. It's hard to help folks like this. They require professionals.

As Beatty says, let him paddle his own boat.
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Mmm777 Jun 2021
Thank you so much, I'm going to try this for a while.
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"..he wants to be in charge".

So your Father wants to be in charge of his own life. OK...

That would include him making both good and bad decisions for himself. Also probably some very bad decisions... as he has done in the past. Hmmm...

I can understand wanting to keep your family afloat & functioning, especially as a child. To survive.

Like being weighed down pulling their canoes along behind yours for so long.

What if you paddled on alone now? Where you want to go?

Let your Father paddle his own where he wants?
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Mmm777 Jun 2021
Thank you so much... you have very good points. I have been so distracted by stress and their (and now just his) issues for so long. I really do need to focus on having a healthy life of my own
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I am so very sorry for your pain and suffering.

I am sorry for your loss. I realize that you may not have been close to your mom due to the circumstances but I believe that we still grieve for what we longed for in a relationship.

You say that you have tried therapy and you are still struggling. It takes time. It may be worth considering sessions with a new therapist.

Don’t expect changes in behavior from your dad. Instead, learn to change your reaction. Accept him as he is. This doesn’t mean that you have to like or approve of his behavior.

Part of you is lost and struggling, and another part of you has the answer already. You said it when you said that if you had left earlier on, that you would have been happy. So, follow up on this feeling with planning a life for yourself.

As for how do you heal? One day at a time, by reaching out like you just did. You aren’t alone. This forum will help. A good therapist can help. Making plans for the life you want to live will help. It will all come together.

You may have a few scars, but hey, look at those as your battle wounds and YOU won the battle.

Don’t lose hope. You will make it to a better place in your life.
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Mmm777 Jun 2021
Thank you for the encouragement and hope.
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I bet if you went to therapy they would tell you, walk away. You cannot change a lifetime of bad decisions. If your Dad has Dementia, you could get guardianship but if he is still considered of sound mind can't do it. You are just going to have to let the chips fall where they may. Maybe eventually allow the State to take on his care when things get bad.
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Mmm777 Jun 2021
Very good point. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and comment. It means a lot.
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