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You say you know that your mother will be coming for you, but having thought it over for some minutes I still don't get the gist. What do you mean, coming for you? What do you expect her to do?

You also say that neither you nor your brother will either buy your mother a house, or allow her to move in with you [- setting aside what becomes of your stepfather when this happens? Does he have other resources, or other family who might scoop him up once he becomes dependent enough?].

Fair enough; but has your mother suggested these possibilities to either of you anyway?
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Texasscapegoat Jun 2022
What I mean by her "coming for me" is that she will demand access to my money and/or property and resources. She feels entitled to everyone's money because that's how she has gotten by her entire life.

She has not suggested these possibilities, and I don't think she would want to live here, but she has expectations for sure. As far as my step-dad goes, there is some weird balance in between what they have in assets/cash and eligibility for housing and he is also not within the medical need threshold yet. My brother is way more informed about these things, but I can hardly see it all falling into place so smoothly that they will just slide into assisted care the moment they cant pay the bills. Interestingly he does have another resource--his daughter. She has more money than all of us put together, but neither mom or SD will go to her for help and here is why. He allows the same behavior out of his daughter like he does my mom--she's Never held accountable and he would never trouble her. And my mother won't ask her for help because she hates the fact that his daughter became more socially successful than she did and mom won't lose face by going to her for money. Convenient for my step-sister, isn't it?
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Tex, your profile ends with "I know caregiving is starting soon".

You need to get out of this mindset.

Her lack of planning is not your emergency. Call the local (to her) Area Agency on Aging and find out what resources for elders exist in her area. Ask about case management services. Give your mother a list of resources the next time she asks for something.

We have a wise poster, Beatty, here who says "there will be no plan as long as YOU are the plan".
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"I refuse to buy her a home and she cannot live with me. My brother also refuses to do the same. Both of us have helped them with planning, budgeting, housework and more, but mother has refused to listen or stick to any plan whatsoever."

Your brother and you must continue to present a united front against her. You can be each other's support system.

(I'd also stop helping with the housework.)
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She has an addiction. It's just that she never battled hers.

As adult children in our society, we have no, repeat NO obligation to house our parents, provide hands on care or provide them with luxuries. Even if they were the best parents in the world. Adults plan for their own old age.

Social services exist and will be there for her.

Read a book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud.

Google F.O.G. Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Read Never Simple by Liz Scheier. It's about a young woman with a troubled and mentally ill and abusive mother who gave her daughter a wonderful childhood. And how Liz almost goes under trying to rescue her mother. Her boundary setting is as impressive as it is instructive.
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Plain and simple do not give your mother any of your money. She will bleed you dry. Your priority is to your child and your child only.

Start compiling a list of food banks and other services your mother can utilize when she comes to you.

And no matter how guilty you feel and how much she pushes the issue never, ever let her move in with you. Ever.

It is not your job to fund her wasteful lifestyle just because she gave you money in the past. Both you and your brother have tried to help her with budgets, etc and were largely ignored.

This woman could win 10 million dollars in the lottery and still be broke in a few years.

Since her husband worked she should get a portion of his social security. He will have to go on government assistance and they divide the assets between the two spouses.

Offer to take her to an elder lawyer (which she pays for) so she knows what her options are.

Setting boundaries and sticking to them no matter how much she guilts you, cries, and screams will be important.

The best thing is to let her know in advance that you are not her financial solution.
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Texasscapegoat Jun 2022
We (me, my brother and sister in law) actually did compile a similar list that included Meals On Wheels (a mobile food delivery service for the elderly) and she went through the roof because of how beneath her it was. Good lord.
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