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All others echo the same advice I would suggest. Her personality is such that she sees no problems with the sacrifices you are making for her which is terribly wrong. It is time to give the ultimatum that this heavy involvement on your parts is stopping now. She should show some care for your well beings but is in a place where she isn't. Therefore you need to show yourselves that care and state you absolutely will not continue the present situation as it is greatly affecting your lives adversely.


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I like Polarbear's questions. Maybe the very next conversation you have with her has to go something like this:

Mom: "I want to continue devouring your life."

You: "NO."
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Jannner Mar 2019
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Weese - You have to change your view of your mother and your relationship with her. That's easy said than done. Answer these:

Since she's your mother, you think you have to do anything and everything she wants to keep her happy at any expense. Why?

Since she's your mother, she's entitled to run and ruin your life. Why?

What is the worst thing that could happen if you don't do what she wants and she's not happy?

If your mom didn't have you (you weren't born, or you live in another state/country), what would your mother do?

Would your mother demand a nice lady living next door to do all these things for her?

If you were that nice lady living next door, would you do those things?

You have to stop thinking of her as your mother and you as her obedient daughter. You have to think of yourself as an adult mature woman who is her own person and who has a life and responsibility to her own family, and your mother as another adult who should take responsibility for her own life and her own choices.
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JoAnn, thank you. I guess I have been beating around the bush about it with her, hoping she could come to the decision that it isn't fair to expect this out of us. It hasn't happened in 9 years........ it probably won't. Today on the phone she was complaining about insurance, property taxes, propane costs. I said have you given any more thought to moving into an apartment? She became irritated and again said why do people keep telling me that I need to move. I said I didn't tell you to move, I asked if you had thought about it. She changed the subject. I need to sit down and tell her in person where it is harder for her to avoid the conversation.
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polarbear Mar 2019
Weese - when your mother complains about insurance, taxes, price of this or that, or about something that needs fixing, DON"T volunteer yourself or your husband, put those things back in her court. Tell her: 'I hear you or that sounds bad. What are YOU going to do?"

When she tells you to do this and that for her, your come back should be: "Sorry mother, I/We can't physically do that, or we can't afford that, or we don't have time to do that."
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You bluntly tell Mom you can no longer help her. One because of husbands head injury and another you no longer can lift. You would be glad to find someone she could pay to keep the property. When she says she can't afford it, then tell her what Dad said. He didn't expect her to keep the house. Maybe get her closer to you. This is what I worried about when we had Mom. I was 64 and he was 66. I was afraid something would happen where we would never enjoy our retirement.
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