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It'll be very important that you and your husband are on the same page going forward. Someone once wrote on this forum that our parents know how to push our FOG button because they installed the button. Your husband will have a harder time detaching because he's the one with the history and baggage.

It's rough to have to find alternate care facilities on short notice before discharge. You could have some background work done before the next hospital stay. Research nearby facilities with the appropriate level of care.

Stay on this forum -- there's a wealth of information about how to deal with difficult parents.
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Thanks so much for all of your replies! I really appreciate you all taking the time.
Barb, I agree with you that the obligation to take care of my father-in-law is really in our heads. It’s really more my husband dealing with him now than me since I have stepped back quite a bit. It’s difficult for him to change.

Garden artist, wow! The people you have dealt with make FIL sound like a peach! And I know exactly what you mean, it does seem like the health professionals expect the families of elderly people to be constantly available to give whatever help is needed whenever it’s needed. I understand that their obligation is to their patients, but I wonder how willing they would be to do the same?

Cwillie, the CCAC has been coming to my father-in-law’s condo twice a day for the past few days and that will continue indefinitely. He is really not happy about it. His main complaints are that one of his caretakers is Asian and the other is Columbian. Good grief. They are going to monitor him to see how he is doing and helping with basic tasks. My husband is also in another appointment right now with the condo health people to arrange further care. That should help for time, but he really needs long-term care at this point, in my opinion.

Hope, my husband is the only child and that’s why we are responsible for taking care of my father-in-law. My husband does have power of attorney but since my father-in-law is still considered competent, he is not legally allowed to make any decision for him as of yet.

BalancedCaring, I have suggested taking my father-in-law to a dementia specialist but he refuses to go. We tried to have one come to the condo while back but he kicked the woman out.

RosePetal, what an inspiring story! If I had half the strength that you seem to have I would be very pleased with myself!

Enoughsaid, i’m having a hard enough time dealing with my father-in-law, I can’t imagine doing what you did for your cousin. Especially for seven years! I’m sorry she didn’t appreciate what you did for her.

Savitaa, I suspect what you described is what is going to have to happen. I’m pretty much expecting that after my father-in-law’s hospital stay we are going to have to tell them that he can’t come home on his own. The problem is it’s not up to me, it’s up to my husband. He’s the one buried in guilt and is having a really hard time dealing with it.

Isnteasy, I agree that we are basically the ones giving the power over to my father-in-law. At this point I have stepped back a lot and it’s me and then I husband who is dealing with him. I try to offer my husband support but there’s really not much I can do beyond that. It’s up to him to make his own decisions.

Linda 22, I agree that I need to be on the same page with my husband. He does seem to understand what needs to be done, I just seem to be having a really hard time doing it. He has arranged for some outside care, so that is a start. We both know that is just a Band-Aid and the real crisis is coming. Honestly I feel like we’re just in a holding pattern, waiting for the emergency that’s going to change everything.

Again thank you everyone for writing. I really appreciate it.
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You NEVER have to put yourself in an abusive situation. If he is cognizant enough to say where he wants to live or not, then he is able to understand you and your husband when you say you can't continue taking care of him. You are not equipped to handle his special needs. Tell him that you love him enough to want the very best for him. Therefore he needs professional people to take care of him, especially if he has medical needs.
Again.. you do not have to place yourself in an abusive situation. Enabling him to continue to be a jerk to your husband which affects you and your son, is NOT a loving thing to do for anyone.
The old dad needs professional care that you cannot give him. You and your family can see him or not anytime you want. That's the way to preserve the family tie to the dad, protect your son, and protect your marriage.
Blessings and good luck
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Molly....NO ONE gets the right to tell you how to live your life. Only you can do that. There is a saying....if you keep on doing what you're doing, you will keep on getting what you are getting. It is sooo obvious from your sad letter, that your FIL is no longer capable to either take care of himself or be safe alone. If he does, as you say, have dementia, he doesn't need to have a say in his well being because you can have a doctor proclaim him incompetent to handle his own affairs and therefore have the say as to where/what/and how he lives out the rest of his nasty life. Talk with his doctor and then, talk to a lawyer, please. Save your marriage, your sanity and your son. You've done a fine daughter-in-law job.
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Let him fall down, take him to the ER, and when he's there, say there is no one to take care of him, he is unsafe on his own, and so it is over to them to find him a place. Let him yell. Let them threaten. You have to get out of this h*ll.
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Molly72: I read two mistakes that both you and your husband have made. You quit your job and are working part-time and taking courses. Your husband quit his job to start his own business. So you've both lost your benefits...health, dental, life insurance. You cannot let the FIL continue to dictate your life.
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Molly72: When I had to move from my Maryland home to Massachusetts and in with my mother where she was "keeping house" - NOT in her own home, we had set a time schedule for me which was from 8/30/2013 to 1/2/2014. After that I was outta there and my brother would step in. All of that went out the window when she had 5 hospital visits, the last one in which she passed away. Point was is that I wasn't going to do this forever! Heartless? I don't think so. She had opportunities to better her living conditions, but said "I'm so glad I stayed in my own home."
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Molly,
You might not like this response but, in my opinion, the only one that can change things is your husband. Unfortunately he is hog-tied in guilt, insecurity and a poor self image. Also unfortunate is the fact that he had a bad mental health experience with his mother and is not open to therapy. (I guess that would be the same for any self help books on the subject too?) Too bad.
Without a helping hand (a good therapist who specializes in this) your husband will be locked in the tyranny of your FIL. That evil man knows he has your husband by the b*lls and is using it to his advantage.

I broke free of the co-dependence I had on my dad. He was an alcoholic and had me "in his spell". My husband at the time had to get aggressive (he threw the phone in the fireplace) for me to see how sick our relationship was. That's when I went to therapy. I quit seeing and talking to my dad for 10 years! I wound up caring for him in his last years but, by then, he had a new respect for me.

All you can hope for is;
1. The place where FIL lives evicts him.
2. He will have an accident, land in the hospital and not be allowed to live unassisted.
3. Your husband will have read the many responses on this board (good idea) and have a change of heart, placing his mental and physical health and those of his family BEFORE his father's. He stands to loose his family (you and son) to accommodate an old, manipulative narcissist who purposely torments him. The ball is in his court.

Pray hard, be supportive only when hubby stands up for himself and the family and backs off with his dad and stick to your guns about not allowing FIL to move in with you.

I hope hubby realizes the mistakes he's making and sets down the law with his dad. If he can conquer this, life will be so much easier for him later.
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It does seem like the consensus here is that we need to be the ones making the changes. I know it’s true. I certainly know that quitting my job was all kinds of stupid. It wasn’t a dream job or anything; my husband has always been the breadwinner. It was decent pay and the benefits were good, however. Miss those!
SueC, I have a similar story to yours. I’m also estranged from my alcoholic mother who is pretty much as nightmarish as FIL. You’re right that my husband is the one who needs to change things. He has hired caregivers to go in every day which at least is a step. He just has SUCH a hard time standing up to his dad, even getting s bit of outside help was big step for him. I understand that, since I was much the same with my mom. It’s great to have this forum with so many people who understand.
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Molly, glad to hear that your husband has hired caregivers (with Dad's money, right?).

Send your husband here! He might benefit from reading that there are other folks subjected to the FOG!!
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Molly, you have gotten great advice here. Echoing BarbBrooklyn, I hope the caregivers were hired with FIL's money? Who is "he"? I fear it is your husband who hired the caregivers with your money.
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It is FILs money being used for caregivers. Actually, the CCAC caregivers are covered by the province and we’ve hired private care as well. The private care is through the condo where he lives, so they can come several times per day for short increments. I don’t see it working for long but it’s a step in the right direction.
FIL is MAD, through. If he could get out of his recliner he’d be hopping mad.
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You have gotten great answers here. I would only add that at this point, FIL will probably never by happy again. Unless he wants to be. My Mom and I had a few times of being negative and feeling sorry for ourselves that her memory had gotten so bad. (And Dad had died) So we stopped our frustration and decided that we had 2 choices, either to spend our short times together being disgruntled and frustrated, or to really enjoy each other in the times we Are together. Mom is in Assisted Living, few health issues besides the dementia. We know we are blessed to have her placed where she is, with good care. Only now, with not much for memory, is she content where she is!! Prayers and Hugs!
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Vicky, you’re so right about FIL never being happy again. He was an extremely negative person even before old age and illness set in. I remember MIL telling me, probably 15 years ago or more, that no matter how wonderful things were, FIL would always find something bad about it. What a way to live. Sounds like you and your mom got it right!
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I have an ex husband like that. Always saw the glass half empty, always the worst scenarios, etc.

I took a nursing education class on depression and they might as well of had my husband as poster boy!
I begged him to get on medication, which he finally did, but them got off. He said, with his luck, the medicine would work but then they'd take it off the market! Is there any more negative thinking than that?

That's why he's an EX. After 35 years, I couldn't live with that black cloud hanging over my head any longer.

You just can't MAKE people happy. That's got to come from them.
Molly, don't you or hubby waste your time TRYING to make him happy. He won't change who he is.
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What Barb said, "Send your husband HERE!"
FOG FOG FOG!!!!!!!!!
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I'm quoting someone else who posted this line originally. It really stuck with me and I use it quite often. ...
" If you are tired of being walked on, get up off the floor."
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SueC, you’re right that he will never be happy. I do feel sorry for him, it must be awful to spend your entire life is such a miserable person. But he’s not going to change now and really, it’s not my responsibility to make him happy. Or my husband’s.

Bella , I wish my husband would read forms like this but it is so not his thing. He would be furious if he knew that I posted here.

Mojo rod, I like that saying! I’ve been trying to get off the floor myself and had some success. For my husband it’s much harder. He has made some steps towards getting his father outside help. I know that it won’t last for long because really he needs to be in long-term care. I know the storm is coming and really I wish it would just get on with it already. Waiting for the crisis is almost worse than the crisis itself. Thanks for the responses!
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