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Your siblings are entitled to their own life journeys - as are you. If they are competent adults they can legally make their own decisions (even if most would agree these are bad decisions!)

The dark clouds if the future should not cloud today - I just made that up & keep reminding myself for my own situation.

My hugely dependent sibling has the triple whammy situation of ID, SMI & Stroke so my plan will be straight to guardianship order, straight out of the house, straight into sone type of disability housing/assisted living.

Much harder if they are 'competent'. Sadly your mum won't be able to legally sign but you mentioned parents? Would Dad consider formalizing his will to include the house being sold? (My in-laws have) so that no-one can contine to live there (off you go... :) & proceeds are split. Be careful suggesting family legal advice though as others may misinterpret your motives.

If Dad is being already being taken advantage of financially, is their a friendly outsider to give advice? Dad's Doctor maybe?

Will it be important to keep good relations with these siblings in the future? Go Roadrunner I say!
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Gremlin Apr 2019
My parents took care of the will situation years ago (1985) and I'm the only one that has access to the safe. The wills are simply and straight forward. The two page wills are, for the most part, identical. One parent passes away and the other inherits everything. When the second pass away every thing is sold and the proceeds are split equally among the surviving five children. They didn't name an executor so it will have to go through the courts.

Once our parents are gone I can see very little reason to have contact with most of my siblings so I could find myself responsible to absolutely no one for the first time in my life. But that also means that no one will have any responsibility toward me. Fun times (sarcasm) fun times.
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We have a very sad story in my family along these lines. My grandmother was the eldest and expected to take care of the whole family as her mother would take to her bed. 5 kids and two parents.

She was not having it and moved across the world in her late 20's.

The next sister Mildred was left to raise her siblings, look after Mum and Dad. The deal was that Mildred would get the family home after her parents were dead and her brother's married. The parents died, but the brothers did not get married until they were in their 40's. The last brother left the nest at age 45. But then he decided he needed the house for his growing family and threw Mildred out of the house that was to be hers.

She was homeless, never had a job outside the home at 50+. A wonderful family hired her to look after their new born adopted twins, then 8 months later the mother gave birth to another set of twins. That wonderful family treated Mildred with the love and care that her family never gave her. In every aspect they were her family. I was lucky to travel back 1/2 way across the world and met Mildred and her chosen family 2 years before she passed.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Sweet ending. Nice when that happens. There is love and mercy in this world. Thanks, Tothil. Your story sends hope.

My brother was homeless too. No one in the family could take in a heroin addict. Haha, one brother is a cop! (Retired captain). He certainly couldn’t take him him.

An old army veteran allowed him to move into an abandoned trailer on his property. He stayed there until end of life hospice. Good thing, he owed the drug dealer so much money in another section of town that had they found him they would have killed him. He died from HepC but he was threatened to be murdered had he not escaped. Dealing drugs isn’t a charity. It’s business. They expect to be paid. They can’t take someone to court to pay a bill. They settle the score with death. Ugly world of drugs and addiction.
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Beep beep!
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I often wonder what my brother will do after our parents are gone. He is 35 and hasn’t had a job in over 10 years. He has a 9th grade education. No high school diploma or GED. My parents have enabled him for years. He won’t apply for jobs—there’s always an excuse, either he’s got something planned (what could be more important than getting a job? To him, everything is more important than that!) or he uses his lack of education as an excuse. He won’t get his GED or go to a trade school even though my mom is willing to pay for it. He’s an alcoholic. Also has some mental health issues. I kind of hope my parents outlive him. Otherwise, I’m going to have to be the bad guy and have him thrown out of the house. With no job, it’s not like he’ll be able to pay for the upkeep of the house, the taxes & insurance and the utilities. I sure as heck am not going to financially support him. And no way in heck will he “grow up” when mom & dad are both gone. Just not going to happen. I wish it would but dang, if I recall correctly, it has been 13-14 years since he worked? And he was working as a valet at a casino. That’s his only work experience. He’s been enabled for far too long. He doesn’t know how to live without my parents.

Now that I think about it, I sure hope my mom doesn’t expect me to take care of my brother! I know my dad doesn’t. If it was up to him, my brother would have been cut off a long time ago! Don’t care what anyone says, I am under no obligation to take over the role of enabler and take care of my brother. Family or not, I owe him nothing. I’ll help him get a job and encourage him to get his GED and help pay for schooling if he is serious about it but other than that, he will be on his own and out of our parents house when the time comes. And honestly with our parents health issues, it really does blow my mind that he is content living under their roof without a dime to his name. With no plan for the future. Maybe he thinks he is going to inherit a fortune when they die? Our parents aren’t rich, there are no cash assets, just their house that I have to sell per the family trust agreement and we’ll split the money 50/50. He will blow through the money so fast! I just don’t understand why he’s not planning for the future. He knows mom and dad won’t live forever! If he thinks he/we will get our parents monthly income which is around $7k a month.....he is in for a big surprise!

I’m with you. When mom & dad are gone, i’ll be a roadrunner in a cloud of dust too!!!
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Sorry Cali,

I understand. My brother is dead due to his lifestyle. Very hard to think about. Loved him as a brother, hated the addict.

I know my dad would have handled things differently and he got caught between a rock and a hard place (mom and brother). Mom made excuses for him but deep down knew. I think it’s easy for parents to deny if it’s painful to accept the truth.

I cared for my brother but had to cut him off. Did make peace with him before dying. Did forgive him. I wouldn’t allow him to move into my home as he wished to. Can you imagine the nightmare that would have been? Geeeez, I would be in a mental institution if I had done that!
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Hi Gremlin
In some cases I’ve seen that when the enabler passes, the sibling grew up.
DH younger sister and her three children were shameless. The two grown granddaughters would show up with hands out when MIL SS check arrived. It was a tough transition for them but they are still kicking and employed.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
97,

Oh yeah, funny how they can always remember when that check arrives!
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