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My 82 year old dad was recently diagnosed with dementia. He was in the hospital for 8 days and then transferred to a very nice memory care facility. He calls me every few days and asks to come home. He says it’s a “nuthouse” there and everyone is crazy. He sounds so rational when he calls. He also sounds like a child and it makes me feel so incredibly sad and guilty. Prior to going to the hospital, my once very clean and well dressed dad stopped showering and changing his clothes. He was eating cold beans and chili out of a can. His refrigerator was full of rotten food. He left his propane on and almost killed himself. Luckily, I stopped by and shut it off. He was so messed up he just stood in his kitchen in his underwear unable to say multi syllabic words. When he finally went to the hospital he was hallucinating, but still sounded reasonable.


I know he’s safer, healthier, cleaner, and better off, but when I hear him beg to come home I don’t know what to say. I can’t go see him because of COVID restrictions. He can’t live with us because of his dementia. Anyway, what do I say to him? What can I tell him to reassure him he’s in the best place?

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You will have to accept that you cannot fulfill the wishes of others at all times, and this is one of those times. You are a human being, not Saint. I think it is more semantics here in what you are saying to YOURSELF. You will have to change "I should be able to do this; he needs me" to "I cannot do this, no matter how much I wish I were able, and that hurts".
I used to tease my bro. He was in better mental shape than many at the assisted living. He would complain and tell me of incidents and we finally decided he was in a 60s commune for the aged. Always an issue, always a community meeting, always a bicker with sides taken, and etc. He formed friendships. He made his way through it and said "It's like when I was younger and in the Army. I didn't like it, but I was determined to make the best of it". And he did.
You will have to come to some gentle acceptance for yourself first. Then tell Dad that you are so sorry, but he cannot come home, that this is home now for him, and you will visit when you can, and you hope it will get better for him.
There is no answer to the end of life when things are taken from us one at a time, our balance, our abilities, eventually even our minds. It is sad and you have a right to feel sad. But you didn't do anything to anyone, so guilt is out of the question. Not an option.
So sorry for the hurt for all.
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ArleneClaire Jun 2020
Thank you for the kind words. You are correct. It’s just difficult. You are correct in that what I say to myself is important as well. I want to “fix” things for my dad. And I have because he is now safe, clean, and well-fed. I guess I never thought he would get dementia. Again, thank you for your reply.
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How long has he been there? It can take many months for adjustment. It took my mom about 6 months to settle down. In the early months she would call and cry and scream for me to get her out of there. Now she has formed friendships and wants to redecorate her room. She says she is lucky she is in a safe place. So you hang in there and be kind to yourself.
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ArleneClaire Jun 2020
Thank you for that information. He’s been there since June 12, so not long.
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I've heard it many times where elder believes that all of the other facility residents are the "crazy" ones, but they themselves are just fine! Elders don't really realize that the reason they seem fine is because they ARE in a facility and their situation is being managed in a controlled environment. I just had someone tell me last week that she felt she "should have gotten out" of the facility before covid hit. She honestly believes she's OK to do so and it's the other residents where she "understands" why their families put them there. Not her, however. She believes she's way too high functioning compared to the other people and tries hard to convince anyone and everyone of that. Nevermind the fact that she does not even remember all of the falls and crazy things she did while in her own home.
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It's really tough when our LO sounds like their old self and we want to help. But, the reality is that they are not that way consistently. They may sound normal, but, that may be for only 5 minutes a day. The rest of the time we would be attempting to provide care to a person who resist, who is agitated, and cannot be soothed or kept from harm. I'd try to remind yourself of this.

I'd also consider that sometimes people who have dementia say that they want to go home, EVEN IF THEY ARE IN THEIR home. So, bringing him into your home may not change that. He may still be very restless and think you and your family are crazy people. lol Delusions are common.

I'd try to come up with some things to say to him that may appease him. With my LO, she grew comfortable rather quickly and thought of her place as her own apartment. She liked it a lot. But, before then, when she talked about home, I'd say that I had to discuss her progress with the doctors, had to get insurance forms completed, filed, processed, you know paperwork, but, all would be handled in time. Just hang in there and enjoy the good food and service. Of course, she would forget, so, I'd have to repeat it. I'd keep in mind that often the person with dementia is not being persistent when they ask questions, but, they have forgotten that they already asked it a dozen times.

I'm not sure what type of activities they have due to covid at his MC, but, later on, if covid is resolved, he will likely have more in the MC to distract and entertain him.
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Just change subject! Only if you want to be 24/7 caregiver....& not have a life then take him home..but be aware he’ll fall a lot, be incontinent, get lost if going out for a walk...maybe leave stove on & forget...maybe become violent...if you hire home care, they don’t show up & you have to change his diaper...& make several $$$$ changes to your house for him. If that’s the life you want, go ahead! I would just change subject & say that you’ll talk tomorrow or see him on weekend. Don’t you dare take him home! You will regret it .. Hugs 🤗
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It will take a while for him to adjust.
When he calls tell him..
"Dad we have to wait for the Doctor to tell us you can go home"
or
"One of the medications you are on has to be given by a Nurse and they have to make sure you are OK after you take it"
or
"They are working on your house to make it safe for you when you come home, it might take a little while"

What he really want when he says he wants to go home is..he wants to know he is safe. Tell him.."Dad you are safe where you are, we want to keep you safe because we love you"
Just keep telling him you love him, he is safe.
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Say “Let’s see what the doctor says”, “The exterminator said we had to try at least 2 more treatments”, “they haven’t finished paving the street yet” and so on.

You really can’t “reassure him” because his desire to “go home” is happening because his brain is no longer able to assess and use facts to deal with his feelings and needs.

The sadness in this is overwhelming. I’ve cared for two generations of a loving, crazy, hardworking, wonderful family, and now with the last living relative. Hearing her literally crying for her mother (my grandmother) would cause waves of sorrow for all of them that I didn’t realize were even still after 50 years there.

But MANY caregivers deal with this particular symptom, and out of your love for your dad, you will too.

So in short, say whatever occurs to you in the moment that he asks, that maybe a comfort to him. He won’t remember, so he won’t hold it against you.

I haven!t seen my Oldest and Dearest since March 11. She has survived Covid (at 91!) and will be having her 92 birthday in a few weeks, and we won’t be together for it. Life is very hard just recently for all of us.
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Your father sounds like the situation we had with my mother. We put her in memory care too at facility recommendation but she was too high functioning for that facility and the residents scared her. AL would have been a better fit. We shopped around and found what they call in Illinois “sheltered care” which was perfect. Your father might have dementia but not ready for this level of MC. If facility is not connected to AL, check out other facilities with both levels. He might benefit from being re evaluated. Don’t be afraid to move him either. He will adjust especially if there are more people like him.
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You got it!
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Can you hire a live-in caregiver to look after him? It cannot be more than Memory Care.

MCs love to tout activities, socialization, cleanliness, and nutritious meals. When you are old and losing your memory, you want familiarity and home is where they know (an irony that MCs don’t like to talk about). Activities also become hard them because they get tired easily and cannot follow directions. So, they end up staying in their rooms watching TV or sleeping or staring at the walls. Fortunately, they can do all of these things in their homes - with a caregiver who can cook and clean after them.

I personally would not want to live in Memory Care. JMHO.
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cetude Jul 2020
Memory care facilities are NOT safe. They get sued all the time.

But home caregivers who do hands-on care is about $30 an hour.
If you pay private--someone who does not work for a facility--they can claim to fall in the home and sue the estate, and you have to do their taxes. It's called a nanny tax.

Family caring for their own is best.
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I am so sorry..My story is the same. Mom, 86, did all your dad has done..She even lost 20# from throwing food away..kept spoiled food in cupboards...She was transferred from the hospital to a wonderful memory care unit the end of April. She has regained her lost weight...looks so clean..Smiles more often, and is safe. She still at times asks “when can I go home? The people are crazy here”. At times she cries. This is all part of dementia. I kept telling her about Covid...then slowly when she had some clear minutes I told her gently...she had not been safe alone. She just this past week asked me “can we afford this? Can I stay here?. I reassured her that she can afford the new place. I finally am seeing some acceptance. My counselor told me “you are not responsible for your moms happiness..you are responsible to keep her safe, comfortable and well fed. That helps Me on my moms sad days..Stay strong..this is best for your Dad...
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Are you able to facetime with him? Does he know he is not well and needs to be there to be cared for? It's a strange environment but I hope he is getting good care. Speak often to the staff. Definitely he could not remain at his hone alone. My father hated rehab (85) and complained it was loud, staff were rough and he could not sleep. Is your dad on any meds for his dementia? Could he possibly be at home with in home care? Just throwing out ideas. My dad was bedridden but was so much happier at home and family was able to visit a few at a time. May be cheaper than memory care. I used Concierage Home Care for daytime if that helps and private sitters in evening and night from church.
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He is NOT better off in a memory care facility--they fall, get over-medicated, and even get bedsores or become victims of abuse--happens all the time in those facilities, but agreed he not safe alone at home either.

Too bad he can't live with you.
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AnnReid Jul 2020
And they fall, get over medicated, and even get bedsores (hopefully not abused anywhere) even living with a child who cherishes them, and I K OW THAT from TWO long term in home care experiences.

GUILT should never be part of the Care Equation. Guilt is never positive and never productive, LEAST OF ALL during a pandemic.

Good quality residential care is NOT automatically easier than in home care, but it is different. If my LO were living in my home right now, I would be JUST as concerned about her care as I am now, but I would have FAR FEWER RESOURCES to provide for her needs and monitor her health.

NO ONE who is a caregiver should EVER “beat themselves up” for having to make hard decisions. It’s part of the job.
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My dad was in a MC and we took him out due to Covid and my mom’s request. We moved them both in with us and have full time aides coming in everyday. The aides are wonderful and consistent. We couldn’t be happier. However, dad still asks to go home - to his childhood home, the home they just left, homes they lived in 60 years ago... I think if he went back to the home they lived in for 45 years he would still ask to “go home”. It was so hard at first. They have been with us 8 weeks. I know we are providing the best care possible in a living, caring environment. Don’t beat yourself up. This truly is part of dementia. Having them move in with us has worked out for us. But it isn’t for everyone or for everyone’s situation. Is your dad safe, healthy, and well taken care of in the MC facility? Then that is the best place for him. As with children we have to protect them from themselves and keep them from harm. The MC facility is doing that for your dad. We are able to do that for my dad. It isn’t easy - either situation. But we do the best we can for our LO.
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You didn't mention the reason your Dad went to the Hospital?

There's nothing you can say as he doesn't like it where he is. I'm sure it does seem like a Nut House and he's unhappy, scared and lonely.

He shouldn't have to live his last days on earth like this..
Facility's can look very nice but they aren't!
There's no place like his own home.

I doubt he would be better off at a Facility especially at this time with the Covid.

You might let him go back to his old place where he was living and turn off the gas and only have his use a microwave. You can have his groceries delivered.

Install Cameras at his house where you can check on him..

Call his Insurance and see if you can have a Home Health Service go by to help bathe him a couple times a week.

Go by once a week and clean out the old food in his refrigerator.

Purchase easy things for him to fix and eat.

He'll be happier In his own place eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or a can of room temp beans then where he is.

Rsthef he's in his own place or living with you, You could use his money to have a Caregiver come a couple hours a day.

Dad's Insurance will pay Home Health to come to your home every week for help with cleaning him up.

They also hVe Day places your Dad could go to then back home or to your house to spend the night.

You need to remember who took care of you when you were a baby til you got married.

It's time to reciprocate.

Minimum, you should take him out and let him come to your home during the Covid!

If you do decide to leave your Dad there, you should at least install cameras in his bedroom.

Praters you really have done all you can and not just what is convenient.
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SFdaughter Jul 2020
The man nearly gassed himself to death and was hallucinating. He no longer bathes voluntarily and has trouble speaking. And you wonder why he was hospitalized? This is not "inconvenient." I've been there. It's hell. And it's 24 hours a day. You have no idea what the man's insurance covers. My mother's covered almost NOTHING, except hospitalization. You also know nothing about their relationship, so you're in no position to tell her how to take care of her father. Maybe you're new to this forum; we take care of each other. She feels guilty for looking out for herself and wants support. You kicked her while she was down. The rest of us get it. He's safer where he is, and so is your sanity.
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My father has dementia. He lives with me. I’ve seen the progression of the disease. It’s not easy. He was a fantastic cook. Now I have to do all the cooking. If I don’t, I discovered he will resort to eating a can of sardines with crackers. So I have to make sure he’s fed. Same thing happened to my mother. At a certain stage, they stop cooking. At a certain stage their taste buds change so they start complaining all the favorites you used to cook them taste horribly. Used to upset me to tears until I stumbled on the research. Now I just remember not to cook that anymore.

He was a sharp dresser. Well groomed. Always smelled nice. Now I have to tell him to shower, and change clothes. Does a horrible job shaving. Sometimes he’ll come out of his room with everything mismatched. Not a bother. Other times his shirt is backwards or inside out. I just point out it out, and we both have a good laugh.

He used to help around the house. It got to the point all I asked him to do is change out the dogs’ water. He could never remember to do that though. Now all he does is put away the washed dishes, then proudly announces he’s cleaned the kitchen.

He needed help sorting his pills. I put them in boxes with the day’s labeled. Now he has trouble tracking even that so I sort things in little cups daily.

It’s hard. I feel alone. His temper can be short when he doesn’t grasp something. It’s frustrating for him. Even more so for me. He’s fallen several times. But overall, he’s happy. I’m happy. We’re both happy. It’s a lot of work, and not everyone can take on the care of a parent.

But I agree with some of the other comments, your father may not need MC, just a helping hand to keep him on course. If you can afford a caretaker, and added responsibility, bring him home. I’ve visited these places. I think this is also one of the reasons I haven’t put him there.
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After 1.5 years in memory care for our mother, we're in exactly the same boat, except we don't let Mom call us because she'd be calling every 5 minutes, and screaming. Before we had to force the memory care, Mom existed on candy and rootbeer. My sis and I are in a support group, and the wise facilitator says, "you should only feel guilty for things you have done on purpose to hurt someone. You've done nothing wrong, by accident or on purpose. But letting go of the guilt is difficult nonetheless. You've done the absolute right thing. Nothing you say can reassure your father because dementia will not allow him to be reassured. Instead, if possible, think of ways to redirect him. There are no set responses because everyone is different but you may be able to somehow explain that he was ill and is in the hospital to get better. At times it works for Mom. If she asks how long she's been where she is, we just tell her it's been a couple days. If he's begging maybe you can say things like "okay Dad, let me work on that for you. It works for about five minutes before she asks again. There are some who say you should never say they're going home soon. I disagree, though others may feel differently. Based on the level of understanding of your Dad, it could actually work. None of this is easy, but you've done the heroic (and I DO MEAN HEROIC) thing by getting him to safety. I've also discovered a mantra for when I start feeling guilty regarding our mother, "She's safe, she's fed, she's secure." It's actually working for me. Hugging you in my thoughts. Take care of you!
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My dad had been in MC for almost a year when Covid hit. He’s also on hospice so I got to see him till end of March, then told only EOL visits for hospice. It was a great place when we could visit & take him out each week. After the lockdown, no one was watching anymore. Window visits were allowed, then not, & finally allowed again. His building went from 10 to 3 tenants when I pulled him out. 3 of us took our LO out, the rest died of loneliness and isolation. Tenants had to eat alone in their rooms, stay 6’ away from others (most were HOH), didn’t get any more activities, and were miserable. My dad started giving up and refusing meals or to get up. He told me he always assured me he was ok so he’d not upset me, but in tears he confessed,”This is quite possibly the loneliest place on earth.” I decided then to get him out.
Luckily he can afford 24/7 care in a small 1-BR apt. near us. He’s declining cognitively, but doing so much better in every other way. For us it was the only choice. His CG now focus solely on him and he’s thriving. I pray you will find a solution that will work for your LO.
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nature73 Jul 2020
I can relate to your post. I had to transfer my dad from AL to MC when he had an abrupt episode of delirium. He had hallucinations, a bad temperament, & inappropriate behavior. After a medication adjustment, he has greatly improved, but still has short-term memory problems. We tried moving him back to his old AL apartment, but he would get up at night & wander the hall half-dressed. Back to MC. He seems to have improved even since then, but I still hesitate to move him again. A thorough evaluation this week with an excellent geriatrician showed that his problem may have stemmed from over-medication & that the initial med adjustments that were made led to his improvement. Geriatrician will consult with his primary care & may make further med recommendations. In the meantime, he SEEMS oriented. He too hates MC & talks about how lonely he is. The other residents are worse off, so he hasn't made friends. He sees how disabled & "out of it" they are & wants to leave the "prison". It kills me to see this, especially since staff aren't providing any activities. I wish there was a place in town to put him whose residents were higher functioning, but there isn't. After everywindow visit I wallow in guilt, cause he wants out so bad.
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Having taken care of my father during his journey with Alzheimer’s I can tell you it’s ok for him to be there. Even if he was home with you at his home he would be asking you to take him home. The home he wants to go to is a home from his past. I moved into my dads home with him, he was always wanting to go home. This became an issue, I had to use a tracker for him that thankfully was a service provided for free in our county. When he was wandering off every chance he got I resorted to putting padlocks on all the gates on the fence, this was after reconfigurations so he ran into fencing wherever he went out of the house. While he was still strong enough he was actually able to push the gates back and forth until the latch twisted enough to let the gate open. This went on until he couldn’t walk far enough to go out of the house and past the point where he couldn’t articulate where he wanted to go, he just wanted out. If permitted perhaps some day trips around your town in the car would help him, or not. The best thing is to call him, visiting him and being his voice to the staff, along with making a great relationship with them. Good feelings towards you from the staff will transfer to him from them. Wishing you the best on your journey with your dad.
To the people who say a MC unit is a risk, so is being at home with you. My dad fell out of his hospital bed and broke his femur a week after it was provided by hospice, this speeded up his death.
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Mysteryshopper Jul 2020
Definitely true about safety risks being in the home as well. I'm glad you and others have highlighted this. My LO has had some falls in NH - yes, that's true. However, she also had multiple falls at home - including the worst fall of all of them - which occurred at home. This bad fall at home ended what little still remained of her independent life. She left her house in an ambulance that day and never returned. She's much better now and (of course) thinks she can and should leave NH. She was brought home once before - which led to the bad fall I mentioned. Sad as it is, there will be no more leaving NH. She's much safer there by comparison. Looking back, I would never have brought her home the first time, but rehab staff assured me she was fine and I believed it as well.
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My mom is in a NH. She says there’s too many old people around.

She is lucid but I think that’s funny.

I tell her she has a home to come back to when if she improves. At least she doesn’t have a feeling of permanancy.
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TouchMatters Jul 2020
"Many" older people do not like to be around other elders as it is a reflective mirror. And, it frightens them. It is true for many elders who do not want to participate in activities 'where the old people go.' I hope I don't think that way when I need socialization / stimulation / activities.
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My mother lives in a Memory Care ALF also, and constantly complains about the 'stupid morons' she has to deal with, and how crazy they are. To emphasize her point, she uses her index finger to make a circle around her ear and rolls her eyes when describing another resident. She's made a nuisance of herself complaining to the staff about the other residents, insisting on getting special treatment when she HERSELF suffers from moderate dementia and is in the same boat THEY'RE in. I personally find it extremely irritating and condescending that she has zero empathy for others, yet expects to be carried around on a throne HERSELF.

When she gets delusional and starts asking about when I'm coming to pick her up, I remind her that she has entirely too many health issues for me to be caring for her at home. I'm simply not qualified, mother. Just her wheelchair alone prohibits me from taking her here to visit, never mind to live.

You can also let your father know that it's 'doctor's orders' that he live where he's at, and that you will speak to his doctor the next time he has a scheduled appointment. But until he gives the okay, dad has to stay where he's safe and cared for properly.

I know it's not 'fun' to hear the complaining and asking to come home, it's really not. In fact, it makes me not want to speak to my mother even more so than usual. But as far as 'guilt' goes, try not to take on that useless and self-inflicted emotion which serves no purpose. Our folks are in a place where they're attended to 24/7 by a caring team of individuals. They're fed, entertained, and catered to, which is more than most folks enjoy in their old age. It's more than I will get to enjoy in my own old age because I won't have the funds to afford an ALF.

Keep reminding Dad he's safe and cared for, that you love him, and will see him as soon as the covid restrictions ease up in his ALF.

Best of luck!
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When I had to place both my mother in memory care and my father who was not quite at her level but still unable to care for him in another nursing home facility with a locked door so none of the residents would wander off as he would do often it was very hard on me emotionally to visit him. He would proudly walk me around to meet his friends introducing me as his wife which created quite a stir among the men. I would gently correct him and he would snap back into reality and realize his error and it would confirm to me he needed to be there as dementia rarely improves. Hearing him beg me to 'spring him from this joint' was heartbreaking but as time goes on we adult children come to terms with all the difficulties we go through because it is what's best for everyone. Stay the course and your father will gradually adjust to his new life day by day. Bless you!
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Hello, My dad sounds almost identical to yours. I found him in a similar situation in April. I lived with him for a month as his full time caregiver. He was a lot for me to manage. I moved him to an assisted living in May. He is safe, clean, well nourished and taking his medication. He tells me the same things... complaining, saying he’s getting out soon, etc... I just have to change the subject or say that his the doctor’s decision.
someone posted the memory care facilities are dangerous and get sued all the time. That statement can go for all types of facilities, child care, etc...You can tell if the memory care is a good fit. It’s not hard to check violations and complaint records. I’m not sure where that particular poster lives, but in Texas, in home care for someone with dementia is very expensive... 15,000.00 per month for full-time care with 8 caregivers coming in and out.
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Interestingly enough, your dad may be right! He may have a diagnosis of dementia but not necessarily need a locked memory care community. **A locked memory care is specifically meant for people who have become a danger to themselves by wandering out of the house or facility without the cognitive ability to protect themselves from the weather and the world's dangers. A locked memory care is usually smaller and easier to navigate for those people who can no longer find their way around unaccompanied.
IF HE ISN'T TRULY READY FOR A LOCKED MC: Keeping him in an environment meant for people with moderate to advanced dementia may deprive him of a chance to form meaningful relationships with other seniors navigating dementia. If he was only recently diagnosed, and hasn't been trying to elope you may have the opportunity to transition into a less restrictive environment where he can meet and interact with other seniors who are more likely to relate to him. It may also lead to hopelessness and depression. If a person is not as advanced as the other residents in the memory care, he may be forced to stare at his eventual decline all day instead of participating in relationships and activities that would be more beneficial. I would suggest a trial transition in a discussion with the Administrator of the memory care. He would hang tight in the memory care for at least 30 days while the transition to a less restrictive environment is tried. Start with taking him to eat a meal with family in the AL environment for a few days, then add having staff bring him into the AL setting for one activity per day and the one meal with family. Have him review and choose activities for the week with you during a visit. If he is able to complete the sequencing necessary to read and chose one activity per day and possibly choose a meal selection as well - he may be able to successfully transition into a less restrictive environment until he truly needs it.
IF HE IS READY FOR A LOCKED MC: Every senior diagnosed with dementia has trouble coping with new situations, as we can all imagine. If you are struggling with retaining short term memory, every face seems new longer and every aspect of the day feels foreign longer. This decreased coping is why I suggested a transition time period above, and I will suggest a transition period in this case. In my experience the first 30-45 days are the absolute toughest on everyone. However, there are some things that can make it easier. First: Much a baby, a senior with dementia reads other people better than you think. Timid Body language, unsure tone of voice and obvious anguish are all signs that we are not safe and have to go! So you have to "fix your persona" at the door. Always appear with the same mannerisms you did in his home. Fake it til you make it! Call his new home the same thing you did when he was at home. If you are on the phone with someone, you would say "I stopped by Daddy's to visit for a minute on my way home" or if talking to your dad - "Dad, would you like to lay down in your bedroom or stay in the livingroom and watch tv a while?". In addition, ask questions about new procedures or even your father's condition in private away from your father. If I learned anything, it is that a person suffering with dementia suffers a long drawn out battle with dignity and self worth. If you can do anything champion his dignity no matter what.
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With dementia-- you redirect. You do NOT answer any irrational statement with a rational statement-- a big waste of time --- you can take him out to eat or better still ring it to him so he will not misbehave in public when he gets beyond the locking front doors. What so many people get wrong is their loved one is NOT THE SAME PERSON they were. And never will be ever again, so get over it and do your duty to be a good POA. And make sure he gets great treatment. If need be, move him to a new facility that is more of a first tier, second tier-- as in from early dementia to rapid decline on the other side of the facility. An excellent example is the Stonebridge ( memory care) in Bedford Indiana-- look that up and notice the food is GORDONS, not the normal cheapo junk. Yes it was good, but too far away for our family who was in Bloomington. BUT we got what we paid for later with very rough end of life hospice poor service. My mother did NOT die well or peaceful. Good luck-- do your homework. Visit all facilities and get a free lunch with the tour. But do not let him be released to am unsafe place with no locking doors and no nurses. In the long run he will come to dismiss where he is living as "normal" -- bring him things to read-- it does not matter if it is read over and over and over.
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DugganB Jul 2020
BTW -- no one who has dementia is really able to form relationships-- as a cognizant human being can--they semi-remember the staff... but not the residents because the residents are living in their own world, too--- and they are not there to form relationships... but to live-- or rather live a lesser life, and then leave this world. It is NOT a happy thing-- it is the furthest from a happy thing there is. But it is courting disaster if they are not in a facility to keep them from taking off somewhere. IF I were you, I would get the shoes for him with a locator beacons in them-- they are not cheap, but are a blessing. get the nice ones so he will love wearing them.
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DugganB knows. You redirect.

I would say, "Yes, you can come home. We need to get your room ready." Fibbing or outright lying? Yes. Although with dementia, he will feel cared for IN THE MOMENT, and the moment is all he has, over and over again.

(one way/) The way to relieve guilt is to feel through it. Let it speak to you (listen to it), respond to it with loving kindness. The 'trick' is not to push it away or down. You need to let it go through you, with affirmations, as you release it.
Learn to 'couple' the feelings of guilt with compassion. This is what you are doing for and with your Dad, being compassionate. Whenever those guilt feelings (and grief) come up, understand it is grief of the loss - both your loss and his. Practice association other feelings when guilt comes up and the guilt will transform. Important to be with it. Knowing it is a tremendous loss to you and it hurts. I hope this helps.
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You would never be successful in convincing him he is in the best place. And if you did take him to his home, he would still ask to go home. That is just how the brain fails to work with this disease. But if you tell him this is what the doctor advised for now and then change subject, it will work each time he brings it up.

My mother use to say the same thing about the other memory care residents and when the male nurse heard mom say that to us he said, "Oh, she thinks that and she fired me twice already today!" 😁 She thought she worked there and was his boss.

And a few days later she had organized a group of the residents and they were going to throw the large dining table out the huge floor to ceiling window so they could break out of there. That window looked out to the beautiful enclosed garden area that had 2 doors, that were unlocked at all times so they could walk out at anytime to enjoy the garden area. Did Mom think she was thinking right and the others weren't? Yes she did think that.

There are just something's the brain can still handle but others not, on a downward decline.

You just have to know you made the right decision, even though it hurts. He is safe now and hopefully will adjust.

Keep letting him know how much you love him. And how nice he looks so neat and clean, to have meals cooked for him, etc.

Playing calming music or happy music is also nice. A lap pet (robotic) for seniors is wonderful. My husband, in mid stage Alzheimers) loves his furry robotic dog. It's his buddy! Hopefully the home would allow that.

Mom liked it when we took a big cake and ice cream for everyone, so it was a party she was giving. All approved in advance. Don't know with the virus if that can be done now.
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Transition to MC is never easy, on the LO or the family. To make the transition a bit less difficult make sure he has some of his favorite things around where he can see them. A photo of his wife, a golf trophy, a framed certificate, favorite blanket, any items he had at home that were meaningful. Yes, even that ratty sweater he refuses to part with! Surprisingly a lot of people in MC have a teddy bear or stuffed animal that becomes treasured, and is comforting to them.
And always remember it is ok to fib. A little- less- than -accurate explanation followed quickly with a change of subject often works.
"Sorry, Dad, you can't go home today, the exterminators are coming tomorrow. Let's go see what's blooming in the garden."
As for guilt...the only thing you are guilty of is providing a best case scenario for your father. Nothing to be guilty of there! This is all painful enough, don't add to your burden by piling guilt on top.
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I will say you do have to come to some sort of peace for yourself. My difficulty is I care for mom at home and dad is in memory care. Mom being post stroke 4yrs still has trouble believing he needs to be there and misses him of course.
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Imho, he is not the one who gets to decide where he will abide. That responsibility is now your's and it is good that he is in the Memory Care facility.
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