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When I made the choice to be my mother's caregiver I knew from the start that it was all on me, not because my family were selfish or evil but because I knew that they were not the caregiver type. I imagine that your sister would be perfectly content to have your mother placed in an appropriate facility, if you were absent she may have even stepped up to make it happen. I know I'm going to be blasted for this, but IMO you don't get to hate your sister because she made a different choice, and it isn't appropriate to let your resentment and animosity come between your mother and her other daughter.
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wakankasha Mar 2019
I wouldn't think you would get "blasted" for stating the way you see it.  After all, Karinslife said, "I would rather be in prison..." in her post.  That seems like a telling statement to me.
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How was your mum's relationship with your sister before she came to live with you?

Speaking from [my own] experience, the second I decided that I was not going to get any assistance with the care of my mum from my sisters, it became easier. I looked at it as, it was their loss, not mine.

Today, I have NO regrets for providing care for the one who cared for me when I needed it the most, as a child.

When your mum is no longer here, she has to live with her conscience, not you.
Keep up the good work.

Be open and honest with your sister.
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Karinslife Mar 2019
Same as now 2-3 visits a year with the same stupid excuses about why she didn’t visit more.
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Sounds like your sister makes up excuses not to help with mom - kind of like my sister. Mom lived with me for 5 years and my sister never really got how hard it was to care for her until Mom insisted on spending a week with her before she went into her memory care facility. By the end of that week, my sister had had it. Maybe yours needs a wake up call. How's this? Call her on a Sunday night and tell her you've been in touch with your child in Ohio. There has been an emergency and they need you to come help out with the grandchildren for a few days. You need to leave the following Friday. There is no one else you can trust and no one else mom would accept taking care of her while you're gone, so she needs to step up, come to your house, and stay with mom for a few days. Don't give her the option of refusing. Tell her you've booked a flight and cleared it with the outside help. You've given her plenty of time to rearrange her work schedule for a part time job, so that should be no problem.

I bet when you get back, she'll be a bit more understanding of your plight.
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Karinslife Mar 2019
She would call the police. REALLY
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I totally understand your anger. Firstly, is it possible for your mother to go to daycare once a week or have someone come to your home so you can visit your grandchildren or just chill? Have you looked into services provided by local council and aged care providers

i think if you could get some time away you would deal with this much better

now here is advice others gave me. It’s just one day. Grin and bear it. Perhaps you could provide your sister with some one on one time with her mother by going out the moment she arrives and telling her you will be back at a certain time. Then leave
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rocketjcat Mar 2019
Oh, good idea Pandabear.
Sis: I’ll be over about noon on mother's day.
Karin: Great. Since I get to spend every day with Mom, I’ll get her all ready for your visit, and you can take her to Chez Palace, her favorite restaurant.
Sis: aren’t you coming?
Karin: No this will be your special day. I’ve made other plans. I should be back by 4. (Or whenever the movie is over)
Sis: But, but, but....
Karin: well if that doesn’t work for you, then just give her a call. Bye!
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Karin, I’m so sorry you’re going through this virtually alone. It’s posts like this that sometimes make me appreciate being an only child. The responsibility all falls on me (and my wonderful DH) but at least I don’t have an all consuming urge to shoot a sibling. So I can only speak from an only child perspective, but if her presence is so upsetting to you that you’re already worried about a visit 2 months from now, I would definitely plan for Mom to be “unavailable” that day. Maybe a phone call to Mom would suffice to get sis off your back and be enough for her to check Mom off her to-do obligation list for that day.
But just out of curiosity, have you actually told sis that you could use some help? Help with some respite caregiving? Help financially with some more paid caregivers if she doesn’t want to personally get involved? Maybe she thinks since you are an retired nurse you are so competent that you don’t need any help? Have you tried guilt? Is she dense and needs a 2x4 to see what’s going on? Do you just grit your teeth and let this resentment fester? It’s really unhealthy and I hope you find a way to get through to her for all of your benefit.
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 2019
Great advise rocketjcat.
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