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Find that elder law atty and have him make out a durable POA (DPOA) and Health POA for mom, naming you primary and hubby backup POA. Then, you tell mom that you lost that paperwork so you could help her when you moved out of the dorm at college. You need her to sign it again, and the atty has it. Go!

Atty can tell you from what he sees if you need to go for guardianship.

It does not matter if mom does not want to see a doc. Don't ask, just make the appt and get her seen. Go back with her, and take a letter with her symptoms. My mthr had no records, but she was taken care of. GO, *after* the DPOA and Health POA signing.
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not sure if mentioned already. but along with the dementia also comes *bad judgement.* so make decisions based on what ~you~ think is best. and pretty much "don't share" what you decide. I try not to discuss too much with my mother (cant anyway) about what's going to "happen". My mom always tells me. "Oh I don't need you to do that for me, I can do it later." And I already KNOW she cant remember whatever it is that needs to be done.
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I would suggest hiring a professional Aging Care Specialist. They will advise you on good memory care doctors, the best placement options and guide you to good caretakers. The group we hired charges on an hourly basis. (about $125 an hour) . They have saved us much more money than we have spent. It's extremely frustrating to try to learn and do everything yourself. Get some help. The woman we hired helped get our loved one seen at a memory care clinic for a good diagnosis and treatment plan. (She also went to the office visit with us.) . She helped process the long term care insurance and helped find good caretakers that accepted the insurance payments. She's helping to find other help and ways to pay for it. But first, get help getting a good diagnosis. Maybe it's not Alzheimer's. Maybe it's a reaction to a medication or a UTI- something easier to fix. That would be great. Best of luck.
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Teepa Snow and Naomi Feil. They are the dementia gurus for most of us.
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I’m so sorry you’ve had such a rude awakening to your Moms condition in the course of only 1 and a half weeks. Ugh. My mom also made everything sound great daily on the phone or in emails, but a once a week visit gave me indications it really wasn’t so good so I was able to ease into a better care routine, but you don’t have the luxury of time. You’ve been given some great ideas already. I would just like to impress the importance of a UTI test. You can start with just a home test like AZO, then one at the doctor or urgent care. Especially with her poor toileting habits the chances are very good she has one. These infections can affect the elderly mentally with wild and abnormal behaviors, not like the symptoms younger women get like burning pain or frequent urination. Good luck and come back here often for help, there are awesome people on this forum who can help you through this.
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Scout, do you have a Durable Power of Attorney where your mother has appointed you to act on her behalf if she is not competent? Not sure if she is able to sign one now. You could check with an Elder Law attorney about it. Without it, it's a little challenging to handle her finances. Do you have Healthcare POA? That would help too, if she is competent to sign it.

I'd keep in mind that trying to convince her of things, explain, make clear, or reason probably won't work. If it is dementia, the brain just can't process things properly anymore. I learned to bring my LO comfort by being super positive and not dealing with details and plans, because she just couldn't remember, process or retain the info. So, a lot of "I've taken care of everything and it's all be resolved." It depends on her level of progression, but, if she disagrees with you, you won't likely change her mind. Reasoning may just not get through. My LO could read, but, not comprehend what the writing said, so writing things down was pointless.

Also, there are some great videos on You tube by Teepa Snow on dealing with dementia behavior, (if that turns out what this is).
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Scout, just a couple more tips.

Urinary Tract Infections in the elderly can cause sudden decline and psychiatric and behavioral issues. When something is suddenly off, think UTI. Get a culture, not just a dipstick.

Elderly women, in general, get poor medical care. It requires a good geriatrician, vigilance by some one banging on the gates and attentiveness to changing symptoms. Find a great doctor who doesn't dismiss your concerns.

I went to see my doc yesterday and said that I was tired all the time; I'm 64 and I said, I think it's probably just that I'm getting old. "Nope, we gotta figure this out" was his reply. He reviewed my meds and wants to change my allergy meds; sleep study and screening for depression. Also PT for my constant knee pain. THAT's the kind of doc you want for your mom, one who investigates.

At the same time, you want a good workup for dementia, which may be best done by a geriatric psych or ger. neuro. If you get to a place of "the best treatment is comfort" then you stop trying to put out the fires and you figure out how to get her the best quality of life without lots of tests and poking. (((((hugs))))
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Place to start:

Call your local Area Agency on Aging; tell them that you have an elder living with you who needs a Needs Assessment, stat!

Does mom have a new local doctor?

Find a geriatrics specialist and get an appointment as soon as you can. Have her medical records from her previous doctor sent.

If you have a HIPAA release from your mom (and I would ask her to sign one right away so that you can have discussions with all of her doctors), send it to the old doctor and set up a phone call to discuss mom's "previous level of functioning" since you are worried about her "sudden steep decline". You tell previous doc that you are trying to figure out if this is a sudden onset, acute problem (maybe caused by a UTI or stroke) or simply a gradual worsening of her previously seen condition.
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blannie,

"Showtiming." WOW. What a revelation! Thank you for sharing that terminology with me. I googled and, as you can probably imagine, got one heck of an education.

To answer your questions:
Is she able to ambulate around? Yes, but not well. She has had a bulging disc in her back for a number of years that she refuses to have treated because she's afraid of surgery. Because of this she lives with pain radiating down her legs from her spine and deals with it by minimizing how much walking she does (which as you can imagine has done no favors to her physical health). She uses a cane (sometimes, though she should use it all time) and we have a wheelchair for her for trips to the mall, etc. In addition, she has COPD so walking tends to make her very winded.

Can she carry on any sort of conversation? She'll talk your ear off if you let her about things that happened decades ago (before I was even born oftentimes), but as for her understanding of anything that you say back to her, her hearing has absolutely declined. Regardless, even when you speak up loudly her responses to whatever you've said aren't always appropriate. Example: On Saturday I told her that I was going to be gone for an hour but my husband would be home if she needed anything. Her response was, "Who's here?" On Easter we had family over. Mom was sitting next to me while we were talking about a new garden bed we're planning to install in our front yard. My cousin replied, "Boy, you'll have your work cut out for you with that project." Mom got VERY angry for seemingly no reason and stomped off to her room. Later she told me that she didn't appreciate us talking about her that way. She clearly was not following the conversation about A GARDEN not HER. Today,I must've told her every 5 minutes beginning at 2:45 that my daughter would be getting home on the late bus at 3:30. But every five minutes she'd be increasingly agitated asking me "Where is she? Why isn't she home yet?" 

I did have on epiphany today, though. She was asking questions and voicing concerns about how we're managing her money. I sat down and as simply as I could explained our plan, even writing it down on paper. We've gone over this multiple times but it hasn't sunk in yet. She got very upset and started in on what a disappoint it was to her when I moved to the city years ago and how she thought I'd help manage her finances and make decisions after my father died (in 1999) but I was no help at all (I was in college at the time). This happens often. I try to talk about something in the present and she dredges up the past. Well, today it finally dawned on me that maybe that's all she can do. She remembers (though not accurately) the past. Comprehending the present is the real challenge.

Today she was also very angry with me for not being able to reminiscence with her about her deceased brother, Max, because he was such a great guy and so good to me when I was a kid. Truth is, Max died at least 10 years before I was born. She also talked about my Uncle Ralph as if he was alive and he died in 2003 just after I got married.
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What your mom was able to do on the phone with you was show-timing. She was able to sound lucid and coherent when she was anything but. My mom did that until she passed away at 97. According to her, she was taking her meds and eating well and everything was hunky dory. When I'd go over there (she lived nearby in independent living), I'd find she'd forgotten her medicines for two days straight (in spite of me calling her reminding her to take them). She'd leave half-eaten food out on the counter or just leave them open in the fridge (not in any kind of container or anything). Luckily my mom didn't have the hygiene issues your mom had. So our parents with some form of dementia can have a great ability to hide their true condition until you spend some time with them.

JoAnn is right - your mom either needs assisted living, a nursing home, or memory care. It just depends on her overall ability with the activities of daily living (ADLs) and her ability to do for herself. Is she able to ambulate around? Can she carry on any kind of conversation? Also, make sure she doesn't have a urinary tract infection (UTI) as those can mimic dementia in seniors.

Don't feel bad - just imagine what your mom was doing when she lived on her own. You've rescued her and will now make sure she's safe and well-cared for. So you're absolutely doing the right thing and just in time for your mom.

Keep us posted, as we all learn from each other. I'm sure you'll also get more good advice. You've found a place with a lot of knowledge about caregiving.
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I feel your panic reading your post. I believe there are some initial test that could possibly be done at perhaps primary care dr office to determine if there are indicators of dementia etc. It is going to be a rough ride for you & your family. You will probably have to stress to her that moving forward its what is in her best interest to have some help for h er so you can & hubby can deal with the kddos. It isnt easy - Im dealing with FIL in same situation but as of last month we had to move him to nursing home/memory care after he had a heart attack. Best of luck...they dont teach us these things in school...
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Thank you for your feedback and encouragement, JoAnn29....and that's how I take it, as encouragement. I'm a rather direct gal myself so I appreciate your candor and don't take it as harshness at all. Yes, the pull up diapers were one of the things I immediately identified as a need after her first go round in the bathroom, so at least that's something that can be checked off the list. I work full time outside of the home - my husband's the one that works from home (when he's not on a business trip). With him away these 3 weeks, I've gotten approval from my boss to work from home but that's temporary so helping her in the bathroom each time is a dilemma we're working towards solving. A neighbor suggested taking some time off but with having kids, I need to reserve time off for when they're out of school (or home sick for a day). I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion you proposed...a nursing home is going to become a need rather quickly. I feel terrible about it. She moved out here with expectations of living with us and enjoying life with us but, wow. I feel like we're in fire drill mode most of the day. The doctor has asked us to observe, document and send a weekly summary so that she can begin evaluating things. I'm just surprised that I've basically diagnosed her before the physician did. But like I said, I'm not well-schooled in this disease so what do I really know?
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One more thing, she is now the child and you the adult. It's no longer what she wants but what she needs and that is to be clean, fed and safe. That is what you owe her and if that means she needs to be placed somewhere other than your home, so be it. I am not trying to be harsh here. Believe me you are going to hear this from other members. At 90 Mom has lived a good life. Since your children are young, they need ur attention. Good luck.
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First, taking her away from what she was familiar with will make her already problems worse.
Second, Mom needs to be put into pull ups. You will need to be with her when she goes to the bathroom. She is no longer able to do what needs to be done. I suggest getting Huggie baby wipes to help with cleanup.

Third, Mom can't be left alone. If she can afford it, find an Assisted living. If she can't then file for Medicaid and find a nice Nursin Home. Daycare would be an option at this point until you get your ducks in a row.

Fourth, this is not going to get better. Mom has Dementia or Alzheimer's and with your responsibilities, you can't have her living with you. Your children and husband are ur priority. The time you have needs to be spent on them.
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