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You are right and your sister is wrong.

There! Hope you feel better? :)

To widen your sister's perspective, Google "reablement" and share the principles with her. Your sister is teaching your mother helplessness. This is not respectful and will lead to your mother's quality of life deteriorating faster than it has to through natural aging.

I'm not sure you'll need to motivate your mother. You're treating her like a capable grown adult, which is what she is.

Having said that (and I hope made my position clear), a structure is not a bad idea for helping a person to maintain her own preferred normal routine. A weekly schedule for showering, hair washing etc. is fine; a daily schedule to prompt medications and monitor how well she's eating and drinking, good idea. But your mother can do her own. How would you feel about helping her set it up?

!
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Sendhelp Jun 2021
CM,
"You are right and your sister is wrong."

I really really like this supportive answer!

Nothing wrong with taking sides. I know there is more to your point CM, but I just really like the first part.

It is funny to me, because I got tired of being right a lot of the time, so I was hoping my sister could get things right more often.
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It seems to me like your real aggravation is towards your sister.

Listen, I get it. I used to get so very irritated with my mom, when she had me do the things that I was pretty sure she was still capable of. Unlike how you describe your mom, however, my mom was very independent - until she wasn't. And I really resented it, when she became so much more dependent on me.

However, as time has gone by, I find myself wondering if I jumped to do things too quickly for my mom- mostly, because **I** didn't have the patience to wait for her to do the things that she could do for herself, albeit veeerrryyyy slowly. Maybe it would have been better for my mom to gently "force" her to do the things she could still do, but like you, I have kids, and a husband, and a job, and a home to look after, and I didn't want to "waste" time. To stand around and let my mom struggle to make a sandwich - for instance - something that would take me like, 2 minutes took her 20. And at the time, it seemed almost cruel, to let her struggle along, especially since I didn't have the patience to wait, and she didn't seem to mind letting me do it. And I knew that the chances of my mother having an epiphany towards the end of her life, saying "gee, maybe if I can do this for myself, I should" were slim to none. So I did what worked best for me, although it was aggravating as all get out!

Could it be that your sister has everything on a schedule so she can run her home more efficiently, while still forcing your mom's hands to do for herself? With no kids in the mix, she probably has more time on her side than you do, and less "wild card" factors that always seem to crop up with children, regardless of their ages.

Has your sister expressed displeasure in the way you take care of mom? I'm not talking about what you perceive - I'm talking about her actually coming out and telling you how you "should" do for mom? I know I was overly sensitive to everything while I was mom's caregiver, even to the point where I jumped to unfair conclusions about what I perceived to be people's expectations of what I "should" be doing.

If you're comfortable in the way you've been handling caregiving, then leave it be. Much like raising children, people have different ideologies with caregiving strategies, and it doesn't make one "right" and the other "wrong". Take care of mom in the way that is easiest for all of you mom included, and let your sister handle things her way.
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If your sister wants to baby your mother & micromanage her entire life, why not have sister take mother permanently, or for 3 weeks a month & you get her for 1 week? Enabling a person is disabling them, really. Why would your mother want to take the initiative to do anything independently if she can be led around by the hand & told what to do, morning noon & night? Your sister is setting up a system whereby your mother will fail if she DOESN'T have those charts, notebooks & calendars to go by! So leave her to it, that's my suggestion.

If your sister is unwilling to take mother for the majority of the time, then you'll probably also have to have some kind of schedule for her to follow if you want to keep your household more manageable. My mother is very similar to yours; my father babied her something fierce for their entire 68 year marriage, so when he died, she was lost. Fortunately, I had both of them set up in Assisted Living by the time he passed away, so there is a staff to wait on her hand & foot now (in Memory Care) and she expects it, too. If she's not attended to immediately when she needs something, she has a total meltdown! Dad created a monster, really, and the staff at the MC is paying the price.

I seriously doubt you'll be able to 'train' your mother differently at this stage of the game. Your best bet, I believe, is to put the care & management of her onto your sister, if possible.

Good luck!
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Twithdogs Jun 2021
An excellent answer!
Such a common sense solution!
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You’re in a tough spot. I know how you feel. I had my mom for 15 years in our home but no siblings to share the work with me. It is nice that you have a sister that is willing to share some of the responsibility.

It is harder to care for a parent as a parent yourself. I did the same. I have two daughters.

I am not sure what to tell you. Do you wish to have your mom living with you or is it becoming too much? How are your son and husband dealing with her living in your home?

Honestly, I wish that I had looked into placement for my mom. We do sacrifice so much of our lives for them if they are living under our roof.

I lost my mom in April. I am glad that she is no longer suffering and I miss her terribly. Still, it is extremely difficult to be the primary caregiver.

Have you tried to have a discussion with your mom? Have called Council on Aging in your area for an assessment of her needs? Have you asked her doctor for the name of a social worker that can help you plan for your mom’s needs?

Wishing you and your family all the best.
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Would you feel differently if, as your sister seems to think, a structure and schedule probably are necessary?

Why is “reminding her” especially burdensome, if she ultimately does what you want her to do?

The scheduling and reminding is a means to an end. You remind, she does what you want, everybody wins.

You don’t remind, she doesn’t do what you want, you get mad, she has hurt feelings….

Do what’s easiest for you AND for her. Just be sure you are doing what’s really easiest for you.
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againx100 Jun 2021
I agree with OP that reminding someone who is capable of doing more is annoying. Who wants to have to be a nag? I like to be around people that try to be independent.
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I think that your sister should take mom full time and you get her for a week every month or so.

Maybe, tell sister to send her list with mom so she has it to remind herself for her week with you.

Your husband and child come before your mom, whether anyone likes it or not, they are your 1st priority.
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