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Three weeks after moving in she is screaming at us that we are keeping her here against her will and she wants to go back to her apartment and she can take care of herself!! She even said she was going to commit suicide if we didn’t move her back!! Help

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I had someone once tell me they wished to die, please get someone to make it happen. I can't be here, make me die. I reported to senior staff immediately.

The very next day, same man hapoy to see his family. Said he had been in SO SCARED the day before he didn't know what he had said, but ignore it. He was angry at falling, angry at his failing health, scared of pain, scared of the future. He told me he had demanded his son move into his home to care for him. I asked if his son worked, was married, had children, his own house? Yes of course he said.. but what will I do?? He was a mess of abandonment & fear. Anxious ++, teary, expressing fear. I believe referral dor Psychologist for talk therapy & meds for anxiety were prescribed.

Some older people seem so relisient, almost immune to lifes ups & downs. But others feel deeply, almost like the full on overwhelming feelings of teenages.

Feeling SAFE is needed first. Adjustment & joing activities will hopefully come.
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I genuinely feel for people who are suicidal due to misery, trauma or mental illness, etc.

Those who threaten suicide as a manipulation tactic are evil. Years ago my daughter was involved with someone who threatened suicide if she broke up with him. My daughter called his father.

His father happened to be a policeman. He tracked down his son through his cell phone. My daughter’s ex boyfriend was taken to a psychiatric hospital.

Call 911 if suicide attempts are made. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I hope things improve for you soon.
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Does this person suffer from dementia? Next time she threatens suicide, I'd have the AL call 911 and have her transported to the hospital for a full psychiatric evaluation. My mother spent my whole life threatening suicide over the least little thing that didn't go her way, which was just a manipulation tactic....which worsened once dementia set in.
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Almost can't blame mom. AL and NH is for the birds
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Daughterof1930 Jul 2023
All of anything isn’t “for the birds” I’ve actually met people living in assisted living who were glad to be there, grateful to have help with tasks that had become overwhelming. Can we all evaluate people, places, and things one at a time instead of blanket statements that aren’t true about the whole? It’s also unkind to those facing these decisions, they need support, not guilt
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I read an article called "The Anger Iceberg".

Quote: "It’s known as “the Anger Iceberg,” because it shows other emotions and feelings that may lurk below the surface. Sometimes it’s embarrassment, loneliness, depression, or fear. Other times, it’s a combination of several feelings".

Moving to a new place can be frightening & losing a home can causes grief.

Taking it out on your 'safe person' the one you trust to love you is a normal reaction. Not nice for you Pamela! 😕 See what helps..

I'm sorry you had to move Mom. It takes time to adjust. But you will be OK here.
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Daughterof1930 Jul 2023
Good observation. I watched my dad deal with many strong emotions and the base of many of them was sadness over losing abilities
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Your profile says that your mom is 94. You mentioned in a response that she is falling down.

She’s better off in her assisted living facility.

Have you spoken with the staff about how she is when you aren’t there?

It’s sad that her friends told her that she can pack up and go back home instead of encouraging her to settle in her new surroundings.

Wondering if meds would calm her down.
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
I know, I wondered about meds? I have spoken to the staff to say what was happening and that I wouldn’t be in for a few days, so they are going to keep an eye on her and I will check with them when I get home. I had to get away for my own sanity!!
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This is heart-breaking.

I would make sure she gets tested for a UTI. I would see if there is a geriatric psychiatrist who can see her and evaluate her depression.

Agreed that PT might help with getting her stronger.

It is always hard for me to say "don't visit" at the beginning, because I know my mom would have been scared. But if your presence sets her off, then yes, it might be best to step back for a bit and let her settle in.

Can you talk to her friends and find out what she told them she didn't like?
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
She doesn’t like being in a single room. We even offered to move her to a one bedroom but she didn’t want that either she just wants to go home which is not an option. She was tested for UTI just a couple of weeks ago and was clear. I have been encouraging her to go to the exercises that they have almost every day (and they are run by physiotherapists) but she won’t participate. She claims there is nothing to do but they have several activities every day!
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See if you can get an order from her doctor for a PT consultation. The therapist will go in and evaluate her. Give them an overview of Moms limitations. When you get the results, ask the therapist to sit down and tell Mom she no longer can live independently and why. Telling her she is right where she needs to be. Maybe the RN can be present to confirm that the PT is correct.

I may call her apartment friends and tell them that Mom can no longer be on her own. That them telling her she can pack up and move back is not an option.
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
I know I am so angry with the friends for saying this, it just got her all upset. She wasn’t “happy” with the situation before but she seemed to be trying until this episode!
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Yup, go no contact for her own good for a little while. Maybe 3 weeks. She needs to focus on settling in and these outbursts very well may be only for the point of making you feel bad.

Does the staff tell you things like she is settling in well, or what ?
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Way2tired Jul 2023
Good point .

Ask the staff how she’s doing .
Even after adjustment , some act miserable around family but if you ask the staff , the staff says they seem adjusted .
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Time to back away, tell ok you figure out how to do this and take care of yourself and without your help from here on.

Don't engage her, she is trying to manipulate you, if she can move without your help and be 100% independent without your help, fine.

Don't underestimate old people, many know every trick in the book and will use it to get their way, although they can no longer take care of themselves.

You are her emotional prisoner, do something about it.

Three weeks is not enough time for her to settle in, especially if you are going there all the time. The first weeks are the hardest and visits should be kept to a bare minimum if at all.
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
I never thought that we should not visit. My sister and I have been going to see her frequently and her grandkids have been going in too. We actually had a big birthday party with the whole family at the facility(they have a beautiful kitchen,dining room area for family parties). So now it is time to back off and let everyone cool off.
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Call her bluff. Tell her if she can manage the move home on her own then she must be capable of living on her own. If she expects you to coordinate this then she is not.
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
Thank you, that is exactly what I have done. I told her if she can move herself then go for it and I have backed out. Now to try and stick to my guns for the next week, no contact!
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Sounds like panic. Has she seen the AL Doctor yet?
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
I was wondering if I should contact the nurses at the assisted living to see if maybe they could do some sort of assessment? She just screams at me when I go in! I am a liar and horrible for reminding her of her forgetfulness. She had some visitors from her old apartment come to see her and when she told them she was miserable, they told her that she could pack up and come back to the apartment, so this is what has set her off.
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Well, if she has capacity and can live safely by herself then she can leave. What do her doctor and social worker think about that? What do you think?
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
I have been getting tearful phone calls for years from her saying that she needs help and can’t manage on her own. Her vision is very very poor, so I do all her finances. Her back is very weak, so she cant stand long enough to make herself something to eat. Her mobility is declining and she has fallen three times in the past year. All this and she still feels she can take care of herself!!
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So sorry about this .
My father in law chose his assisted living home then also wanted to leave and go back to his apartment. We told him he needs to be where there is staff to help him in case he needs help. We told him it was not safe for him to live alone anymore .
It takes time to adjust , can be 6 months or more . Limit your visits and phone calls .
Ask the facility to have a social worker , therapist or psychologist speak to her at her facility. Perhaps a geriatrician or geriatric psychiatrist could see her and prescribe a med to calm her down. I’m wondering if there is some dementia going on here as well .
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
Yes I think there is a little bit of dementia, it seems more like short term memory loss? Otherwise she is quite sharp but definitely not able to care for herself anymore, she asked for this move. I actually made her sign a note saying that she wanted to move (because she had backed out so many other times). I am not going to show it to her now though because she is out of control right now and it would just set her off again. When I do go back I will talk about other things and if she starts to rant I will leave. This forum has been so helpful! It is nice to know that I am not crazy and horrible for putting her in AL. I said that to my sister, Mom is like a toddler having a tantrum.
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