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I would work on getting her out of your home.  Why worry what anybody else thinks? She likes your brothers? Well she can live with one of them. They don't want her? OK, well she better make other arrangements or shape up - your house, your rules.
(10)
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Mincemeat,

They have already said they will not take mom. She would have to make other arrangements.

I have seen their faces. We have asked before. They go into shock! Several years ago, we took off to Ft. Walton for Thanksgiving. It was great! Was actually warm enough to get in the pool. I love Florida. Only about a four hour drive.

My younger brother stayed at the house. They don’t like looking after her. They had to serve their own holiday meal while we ate out! Was so nice. I do not regret not doing all of the holiday meals. I cook for our family and that’s it! My daughters, husband and mom. No longer invite anyone else.
(2)
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I would never have allowed my kids to do these shenanigans. Good point.

I should see about a hair appointment on Friday. She could go to a salon. She used to. I had to find a stylist come to the house to cut her hair. She loves being married to this house. I hate it. I used to do things! I had a job. I volunteered. I kept busy.

She’s just demanding. She did well with rehab and home health. She always has. She is supposed to keep up with the exercises and she doesn’t want to and gets weak again. Her OT and PT says she is capable. The exercises are geared for helping Parkinson’s patients.
(1)
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What would happen if you park Mother in front of the TV for an hour....and you and your hubby went over to your brother's house to ask if she can stay with them for 3 months because you desparately need a break.

From the sounds of things, they wont cut you a break, BUT don't you just want to see the look on their face when you ask.

Then drive over to the other brother and repeat.

You sound wonderful and have been throught the grinder like me....be strong...you are worth it!
(5)
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WHY can't you leave to get your hair cut or get to a dr appt?

Is your mom bed bound?

Or merely demanding?

If your toddlers had behaved this way, what would you have done?
(5)
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I hate feeling stuck. I need some hot tea. My throat is still a little scratchy.

Thanks for listening. I may go for a short drive when hubby gets home. Going to turn on my favorite jazz station and just chill. My daughter is coming over Tuesday evening. I am glad. I can have a nice conversation about her life. No poop talk, compression stockings, etc.

The COA caregiver is coming Friday and I am taking off. Not to the grocery store either. Not sure what but away from here. I need a break.
(0)
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I haven’t been able to get away to any dr appointments. I need to go. I take her to dr appointments. I desperately need a hair appointment and have not even done that.
(0)
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She won’t tell me what they discuss. She only tattles on me like I am a two year old. She keeps their secrets. Infuriating. My husband is a very calm man. He is everything I find attractive. He is even getting a bit edgy at times. He is not happy with their foolishness and said I should have told them, “Hey, while you’re here, empty the bedside commode and fix mom lunch.” I love my honey’s sense of humor. He can always make me laugh.
(2)
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So what if they "hate" you?

How about, do you hate them for stealing years from you when you could have been earning?
(10)
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Of COURSE she needs to pay for caregiving. Why is there a question about that?

Please understand that if your family members think that there is not monetary cost for caregiving, they are quite mistaken.
(3)
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How does that work? You know, when a parent moves out. Do they hate you for it? Please tell me.
(0)
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Nhwm, what did your brothers discuss with your mom?

Have you been in touch with your therapist?

Just to make myself clear, I'm NOT suggesting that there is anything wrong with you. Many times, folks think that someone saying "you need to see a shrink" means "there is something wrong with YOU".

No. There is something very wrong with your situation and with the expectations of your family members that you will handle this all on your own.

They are the folks who are disordered, not you. YOU need help on getting them to see sense.
(7)
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She knows I have been feeling funky too. Still pushes me but let them feel bad and she has empathy.
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I am so sick of it always being about her. I know she’s old. I know she needs help but not to be seen as a human being by so called family is not really a family to me. I’m not a robot. I’m not a machine. I’m not a servant.

She gets upset because we are not close to each other as siblings. Well, gee I wonder why! She pits us against each other. Plus they have different personalities.

But I am starting to realize that I am not a daughter or a sister either, not by my definition. Hell, I haven’t even been able to be a wife or mom. Rarely see my friends either. When they do come over, mom wants to be chatty with them. Annoying! For a few minutes, fine but not the whole time.

She’s going to have to start paying for a caregiver for me to get out of this prison.
(3)
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I didn’t stay inside. I just couldn’t. I went outside when they came over. I knew that I would not be able to handle it right now. I did not want to lose my temper or cry. I called a friend outside from my cell to talk.
(0)
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I just feel like I am going a little nuts. I’m going to try to cope better.
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I do understand what you're getting at. My mom lived with me for 5 years and my siblings visited rarely. When they did, it was to ask for money or stir things up. Mom, with her dementia-affected brain, would invent stories of such cruelty at my hands that you would think I was the Marquis de Sade. All I did was look out for her and try to keep her safe and comfortable - forget happy as she doesn't know how to be happy and they both know it. Even pre-dementia, she always complained about family members to other family members and it has caused a lot of grief for everyone. She is very convincing. Little by little, however, she showed them what she was really made of. She stayed with my sister for a week and Sis was more than ready for her to leave after a couple of days. Mom's doctor also convinced her that Mom tended to make things up or embellish her stories. I told both of them countless times that if they felt they could do better, please take her. They never did. She is in memory care now and they rarely visit or call. I'm still visiting once a week, taking her out for meals and shopping, taking her to medical appointments, keeping track of her paperwork, insurance and accounts, and advocating for her.

Do I feel like the world's biggest fool at times? Absolutely! However, I do have the satisfaction of knowing that I'm doing right by her no matter what she or my siblings think and when all is said and done, I will be able to live with myself. If you can get one of your brothers to take her, I say good riddance. If not, grit your teeth, avoid them when possible, and do what you do for her knowing you are a good person.
(5)
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I recall another of your posts on similar frictional issues.   Believe me, I mean no harm, but I'm going to be quite blunt.    You're enabling the brothers by letting them intimidate you.  And that's exactly what they're doing. 

You have NO obligation to let them in, other than the excuse of seeing your mother.  And as others have written, given the frictional relationship, why not let them take care of her?

However, you DO have the right to prior notice before allowing them in.   And you DON'T have to leave your own house.   And that's what I would have done:  told them to let you know before coming over, and close the door in their faces.

I know it's hard to stand up to 2 bullies, especially if you're not used to this kind of frictional challenge and testing of how far they can go.   But you'll just be miserable and continue to be so until you tell them to, more or less, put up or shut up.   

And that includes taking care of her, at someplace other than your home.    YOU are the only one who can make changes in this situation.
(16)
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It sounds like it is time to have the brothers come back and pack Mom up and take her with them. You have tried to care for her and she fights you, so let them deal with her.
(10)
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NHWM, I am totally and in no way trying to be a smarty pants, but I am wondering why you don’t just pack Mom’s little suitcase, drive over to one brother or the other’s homes and leave her on their doorstep. Seriously. Leave with a fond wave and even blow them all a kiss.
(15)
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Best case scenario, they plan to move mom out.

What is the worst case scenario? They can see that you're burned out, right?

I'm not sure I see the downside here. Mom clearly wants out. You want her out.

They remove her. Win/win, yes?
(19)
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